Number 2

I just registered on this site minutes ago.

To start with, I am engaged to someone that I believe is on his way to a drinking problem. We are supposed to be married in September.

I feel that I am about at my whits end with him. I have tried talking to him and explaining what his drinking does to my "good time." He has been in trouble with the law because of his drinking. His parents have tried talking to him about it and nothing so far has worked. I feel like he needs a "wake up call." But I'm just scared to see what that will be. I have been having thoughts of leaving him (for a little while-like a weekend) to give him time to think things out. I have never told him that he can not drink. But I believe that having 4-5 beers by himself every night is not acceptable. Does anyone have any advise on what I can do before this becomes a problem? Is there anyone thinking "looking back I would have done....?"

splendra

(((number2)))

Welcome! Have you ever heard of Alanon? Most major cities have alanon meetings...geared towards helping the friends and family members of problem drinkers learn about alcoholism, how to cope with, and how to help ourselves and make good choices about our life.

Only you can decide what to do about your level of involment and if you are going to stay with him. If you are living in violence though it is my suggestion that you try to leave and get yourself safe...

Dalloway

Welcome.

Yes, probably lots of us. I would run, but hindsight is 20/20. I congratulate you on your ability to see something that walks like a duck and say it's a duck and have the presence of mind to join us here.

JessicaNAJ

Looking back I would have done everything EXACTLY the same. If I wouldn't have married G I would have married another alcoholic or someone who got in trouble a lot or something. Why? Because I'm CoDependant and I want to fix the world.

If I wouldn't have lived my life the way I have, I would not know what I know now. I would not be as strong as I am today, and most importantly, I wouldn't have my two beautiful children.

You are the only one who can decide what is best for you. Have you thought about boundaries? If you have, what boundaries have you set?

Zoey

No marriage vows to feel guilty about, no money combined to fight over, no childern to have to have divided time. You are free YET. I would run.
Mostly drinking problems get worse, sometimes violence is added.
Read many of the posts here and see what you are in for. Read the books attend meetings, learn all you can. Then one can deceide.
Even if they go for help recovery, good recovery takes a long time and that is difficult for them and us.
Just my thoughts, take what you can use and leave the rest. Welcome to SR this is the greatest site. Keep coming back.
There are always exceptions and always hope, but guess I feel exceptions are too seldom.

Anguished

I have to agree with the others. Right this moment my A is passed out in the basement. That's just one of the things to look forward to if you turn the other cheek. We had our 10 year anniversary Monday. I will be leaving within the next 5 months. RUN. RUN. RUN. No strings, no ties, no finances, no kids... Good Luck and I hope things work out for u.

Take Care,
Anguished

Minx1969

Can you accept him as he is today? 100% as his is? If it's acceptable to you that he will continue to drink 4 -5 beers every day (and more as the alcoholism progresses) then go ahead.

If not, maybe you should reconsider your marriage plans..

Alcoholism is a progressive disease..meaning this is the best it is without any recovery..As the drinking is just a symptom of many problems..

There are three C's you need to remember: You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it and you can't Cure it..

You need to read up on alcoholism, its effects...Go to Alanon..

Then you can make an informed choice..

sunshinebluesky

do alot of reading....here and on recommended websites.about alcoholism and codependency.
you dont say how old you are,but if he's young...could it just be that phase that so many men seem to go thru?? if hes older,its not a phase anymore,its a way of life.. for awhile i thought i could deal with it, but other things also crept in,and then the sound of the beer can opening at 9 in the morning got too much for me.after coming here,and reading so much of the negative effects on everyone involved, i decided to end my relationship.but i gave him every opportunity to help that part of what was going wrong. funny thing was,after we broke up and he found someone else,in a conversation,he said "you never said it was the drinking"...i thought i was nuts. later i found a FEW emails,and many im conversations where i told him i didnt know if i could stay with him if he continued drinking like that.
it really really messes with their heads. and eventually yours.
another thing is,which has been said many times on here--if you think leaving,whether it be for a few days,weeks or permemantly,is going to MAKE them change for YOU--dont count on it. good chance of disappointment there. if you are going to leave it has to be for yourself. i do believe there can be an exception,but just be prepared.
i myself,see no reason to go to alanon if you are not married and or have children together. if you have codependent tendencies,yes i agree help is needed for that.but to have to learn how to adjust your life to an alcoholic,you have no vows or children with,i just dont think thats the way it should be. they should be going to meetings to adjust to US!!

finallyfree?

looking back, i would of listened to my instincts and run as fast as i could. Don't do it. Get counseling, go to al-anon, get help before you marry him.

fixyou

RUN as fast as you can, If only I would have listened. My AH is now passed out , I am thrilled he has actually made it to the bedroom 2 nights in a row! But most nights are spent making sure he does not drop a lit cigarette or run into a wall, fall down. I only get time to relax when he is passed out. Be prepared to give up yourself if you marry him, cause you won't have time for anything else..............

Seeking Wisdom

My husband and I were married 7 years before he started drinking 4 to 5 beers a night after work... and after noon on weekends. It changed his whole personality and attitude and created constant tension in our relationship. The drinking progressed over the years, he started lying to cover it up - something he never used to do. The trust disappeared in our marriage and the love of his life became alcohol, not me. He was a functional alcoholic for many years. We started our own business and had children that eventually made the possibility of divorcing much, much, more difficult .. and could cause complicated custody and financial problems. When I found out he was hiding alcohol and lying about it... and driving under the influence with our kids, I told him he could no longer drink and live with his family. He then started drinking at work as well. The bizarre, angry, irrational behavior just got worse along with all the broken promises and lies. The person I once knew is almost completely gone and I have had thousands of miserable memories and experiences. Now his health is failing in many ways due to alcohol and he can't stop drinking even for a few hours to be around his kids.

One thing I have learned from all of this is that we need better education on spotting the early behaviors of addicted people, it is a problem they have to resolve on their own and we can't do it for them. It sounds as if you have done a good job on seeing serious problems before you make a long term commitment to this person. I know I would never have married my husband if I had known what the future held for me as I had no desire to ever be a participant in such sick, self destructive behavior. I lived for years with his attempted brainwashing that drinking a few beers after work was acceptable even though I knew his behavior had crossed the line of casual drinking ... and got worse and worse. For decades I have been lied to, had endless mind games played on me, and lived with someone whose mood and personality was so unpredictable and many times cruel. So much joy was stolen from my life and the lives of my children. We deserved a better life and as individuals we need to have enough self worth to realize that. Someone with an addiction must face their demons on their own terms until they are ready to get healthy and sober ... we can't do it for them ... but we certainly shouldn't have to be drawn into their self induced misery with them.

reader

Welcome #2, I hope we won't scare u away with our honesty!! All I can add is Ditto, Ditto, Ditto! Alot of frustrations, dashed dreams, hurt feelings could have been avoided if I had thought well into the future. I was a party girl back when I was single and even before we had kids so even if I hadn't married my husband I probably would have ended up with someone similar. Just think it through very carefully before you proceed with a wedding, if the drinking increases you could be in for a lifetime of misery. When the stressors of life increase such as bills, fussy babies, lack of free time, chore and job juggling, often those become "excuses" to drink. I know you love him but sometimes loves not enough in the longterm. I wish u every happiness, keep coming back no matter what you choose to do. We are all in this boat together!

Cap3

Personally for myself i use that ole rule of thumb,which works for me everytime.
That is ,when in doubt----dont......Everytime i went against this,my gut feelings,i regreted it big time....Whether this was in my personal life,or business life.

Heathenwench

Personally, I would run like hell the other way! All of the ups and downs with an A is NOT worth it. The good are great and the bad are horrible but before you know it there are fewer and fewer good and more and more bad. Even if or when he does stop drinking, A's have personallity defects that are there whether or not the drinking is unless they go into recovery. If it is noticible to you and his parents chances are there is a real problem and unless HE gets real help you are just asking for a life of absolute misery as long as you stay. Sorry, but I wish I had people who told me all of this 13 years ago. ((#2))

splendra

(((#2))))

I grew up in active addiction so living with an active addict is pretty normal for me...if you have not lived with someone who is an alcoholic or an addict I am sure that it could be pretty confusing being with your B/F....

if you have a family history of addiction and or alcoholism you may be looking to continue the cycle without even realizing it. Addiction can take many forms: over eating, working too much, exercizing too much, love and relationship addiction to name a few. Look at your life and see if you are conspiring with yourself to continue living the way you have always lived as a child in your family of origin...

No matter what get some help...

gelfling

Hi #2 and welcome to the most awesome site on the web...

What would I do differently? I'd probably still marry the same guy. Stick with him, have his son but...when he went into rehab, I would have made alanon a permanent part of my life back than instead of waiting until I discovered my son was an active alcoholic 19 years later. Alatot/alateen would also have been an important part of my sons life. He's a recovering alcoholic at 25.

What the people said above is basically what it's all about in a nutshell. We cannot predict if it's a phase or the beginnings of a life of hell. If it's bothering you now, getting married isn't going to make it any better. To the contrary. You're going to think, "we're married, doesn't he love me enough to quit drinking?" We've all tried different things thinking we're going to get them to change. Marrying them, having their kids, losing weight, fixing their favorite meals. Nothing will work. And that's a promise.

My thought for you would be to attend alanon meetings and listen to what people are saying. Their lives are now totally engrossed in the alcoholic. They've financially bound to them; kids, house, etc. Hear what they say they're going through. Watch their faces and reactions and see their pain. It will be a sneak peak preview for you. Then ask yourself, "do I really want to live in this $hit for the rest of my life and possibly raise kids in this environment?"

They also offer lots of free literature. Get that too. Read it then read it again and again.

Blessings

JessicaNAJ

Kathy.....very well put. That gave me goosebumps. So so so very true.

BlueMoon

No. I think *you* do. But by posting here and asking questions (etc), that's exactly what you're getting. It *IS* very scary to see what an alcoholic's "wake up call" can consist of. My x-AH's "wake up call" consists of being in prison - a direct result of his last big drunk.

Alcoholism is insanity. (imho)

I met my AH at an AA mtg. I stayed sober, he (obviously) didn't.

I cannot begin to say enough good things about the program of Al-anon. I didn't think I needed it all those years AH was sober. I was wrong. Al-anon (and these forums) aren't so much about the A's in our lives as they are ABOUT US. It has literally saved my sanity (what little of it is left) and my life.

If I could go back and do something different?
I'd have found Al-anon, learned to build my own boundaries and create MY OWN happiness 14 yrs ago.

Alcoholics can be really awesome people - heck - *I'M* one. :bbl:
But the disease of alcoholism WILL try to destroy everything and everyone in it's path.

Blessings,
Blue

FaithChaser

I had those thoughts when I was dating my ah, when I was engaged to my ah, and when I married him. Nothing changed, I always said to myself that he'll grow up etc. It just got worse as the years have gone by. Looking back I kept telling myself love can conquer all... I don't believe that anymore. I told myself I love him just the way he is. Thing is I don't think I really loved myself maybe. If I did I think I would have found someone that was healthy that didn't need any fixin'

That is just how it went for me. Please do as others have said and check out al-anon and take good care of yourself.

Hugs and Happy New year all!
~FaithChaser

pmaslan

Hi Number 2
Welcome to SR you have found an incredibly wonderful and supportive site.
I too am from Lockport, small world eh?
There is a terrific club in Joliet called the ALano CLub. They hold AA Al-Anon and Al-Ateen meeting there DAILY. I would be more than happy to meet up with you there if you would like.
Like you I was engaged to an alcoholic. Completely known all over our town by every bartender and owner as the town drunk. He didn't start out like that. When he came to town he was well respected, he worked for the National Weather Service, incredibly handsome and extremely intelligent. One thing though he WAS an alcoholic then, just hid it well. He met me 2 months into moving here. I thought he just liked to have a good time and was a big spender. He was everyones friend in the bars.....
After a month or so he wanted to move in with me and my 2 teenage sons.....
I let him, I was under some type of codie spell I guess, as it was all moving way too fast. Once he moved in he drank daily. On weekends he drank all day starting at 6am until he passed out and then started it all over again. Sometimes he drank before work and thru the day just to make it thru.....Life was becoming a nightmare for me. I never knew what to expect, never knew when he would come home and in what condition. Sometimes he was bloody from falling down and sometimes just covered in mud. He lied amd flirted with women in the bars, becasue I stopped going with him. I couldn't stand the embarrassment anymore. He had 20 ambulance trips to the hospital to detox all within a 15 month timeframe. The month of January 2004 he was in the hospital 15 days that month, these were 3 different incidences....He also went to outpatient treatment 3 times during that timeframe.
May of this year he almost died on my patio at 8am, I called the ambulance once again which was to be my last time. John left May 26, 2005 on a train as he had lost everything, his car, job, friends and me....I could no longer deal with the insanity and had to save myself.
He lives with his 85 year old parents in PA now. His mother claims that he isn't drinking now and hasn't since November 1st. Who knows really. I was in contact with her but have since decided that is in my best interest to severe all ties.....keeps me in the insanity to a degree.
If you are asking what I would have done differently my answer would be everything.
I spent 2 years of my life with a man that gave a dam# about his own, he really didn't deserve all the love I had to give, it fell on deaf ears.....
I emailed you with further info on what you can do for yourself....
as others have said this is a progressive disease that takes everyone and everything down with it.....but only if you let it.......
Hugs.......