heaven23

This is my first time here and I really need some support. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we currently have a 2 year old daughter plus I have custody of my 2 lil brothers. He is a heroin addict and has been in and out of jail several times. I am trying really hard to do the "tough love" thing but I am not so good at it. Especially when it is the holidays and stuff but he really messed up this time.
He just got out of jail in Sept. and at that time I told him this is it I am not going to do this anymore...this was the first time that he had went to jail since we had our daughter. He had been on Methadone one month after I had her and did alright until about her 1st birthday then one of his friends got on the program and he was still using so my boyfriend started up again. Anyways...I allowed him to come back to our house after he got out and told him over and over don't come here if you are not serious me and my daughter don't need you here and we are fine without you so please if you love us don't come and start problems. Well here it is almost 4 months after he gets out and is using again. He went to the DSHS and got into treatment I dropped him off in Seattle on Monday and he left the place by Tuesday evening. Now he is talking about getting on the Methadone again...and I feel like we already tried that and it didn't work. I let him use my car to go back to DSHS and explain what happened to see if they would help him get into the Methadone program and then I dropped him off somewhere. Which I feel really guilty about doing but OUR agreement was that he was to go to treatment and then he could possibly come home. He didn't fulfill that agreement and now I feel like I am the badguy again because I left him out there to keep using. I don't know what to do...does anyone have any advice for me...

preciouz

You've been with this guy for a very long long time. I don't think your a badguy at all. I don't think that you should beat yourself up about him out there using again. What you need to remember is that He is the one doing it, not you. This sounds messed, but you did all that you can do. He has to be the one who truely and sincerely wants to quit. Going to a program and still using drugs doesn't cut it. Hopefully there will be a point in his life where he will finally make the choice to quit, unfortunately you can't do it for him. You have to keep in mind what is best for you and your daughter and your little brothers too. I know that you love this guy, you've got history, and its hard to see someone you love do this to themselves. However, Do you really want to spend the rest of your live going back and forth with him in this constant circle? Do you see any hope? Maybe, you'll have to love from afar and just not try to fix him. I don't know where your heart stands and i don't want to say leave him and i don't want to say don't leave him because everyone's story is different. I am just saying you do what YOUR Gut is telling you. You have to trust yourself and make a decision that benfits you and not him. Whatever happens... everything,sooner or later, will work out for the best. You'll find support here. We've dealt with the same pain.

Keep posting, Keep the Faith, My prayer is with you. Feel better & i Hope you find what your looking for.

JessicaNAJ

I'm saying this with love.... Your situation sounds somewhat like mine, only different circumstances.

You tell him to get out and set you boundaries....then you let him back in and - what boundaries? Sweetie, if you want him to leave..if you tell him to leave, you have to mean it and stick to it. Otherwise, he will call your bluff and do just enough to get back in...until the next time.

You sound like you are very responsible and more than capable of taking care of yourself and your kids (your daughter and brothers). Is this what you want to look forward to for the rest of your life. What about you and your sanity?

Work on those boundaries. Speaking from experience, tough love is extremely tough, but you can do it.

Oh...You didn't leave him out there to use. That was his choice. You have no control over what he does or what he chooses to do. The more you try to control what he does, the more YOU will be hurt. Sometimes you have to cut the ones you love loose in order for them to hit their bottom. Sometimes that is the only way they will get help. Much like you, he has to figure things out on his own too.

Zoey

Welcome to SR, this is the greatest site ever.
Have you read lots of posts on here and read the stickey's at the top. How about Al-Anon?? have you tried Al-Anon??
Try to learn all you can, then you can make decisions much better.
keep comeing back, and take what you can use and leave the rest.