jpeace2

...well, technically I'm in PA but the movie parody sounded better

Just something I wanted to get off my chest today, kinda thinking out loud, I do that sometimes. It's been a little over four months sober for me, and I am still amazed daily at the emotions that come up. I've had a rough two or three weeks at work lately and have been a LOT more prone to crying jags than normal. Everywhere. In the car, in my office, at lunch with my friends....it's downright embarrassing. I've chalked a lot of it up to burnout, which I do think explains some of it. I just finished graduate school and an internship, both of which I did while working full time and a part time job once a week that I started recently. I really AM fried and I know that when I'm run down like this I am more emotional anyway, but what dawned on me tonight was........

ANY time I was stressed, upset, had a crappy day at work, or otherwise was going through something I wanted to avoid dealing with, or feelings I wanted not to feel, I would get drunk. I was a huge binge drinker, although I could go for days or weeks at a time without "having" to drink, I know now that a lot of it was really white knuckling it through the calm before the next crisis and that I would get out of control with it, not just be able to have one or two to "take the edge off." I drank with one mission in mind: MIND ERASURE. If whatever I was drinking wasn't working fast enough, I'd start drinking shots. And I actually had to come here and ASK if that was a problem......yeesh. A lot has changed in four months.

It's funny....what I feel most now, more than any other emotion, is fear. Fear that if I start drinking again, I will turn into an every day drinker, that THIS will be the binge that never ends. Fear that I will lose far more than I ever lost before if it starts up again, and that I won't care this time and will let it happen. I don't think I ever had that fear in my life.....I also feel my anxiety level rising, but I know I can't take anything to even that out either, other than the herbal supplements I take (valerian root, not nearly the same effect as a benzo but it's non addictive), and the fear sometimes is crushing. I was in the grocery store tonight and got so strung out because today was a particularly emotional day, that I swore I was going to have a panic attack and I couldn't wait to get out of there. I made it home OK, and am sitting drinking some nice warm chai and going to bed soon, so I know I will be OK tonight.

What is odd is that I don't have the urge to drink as strong as the fear that I will, and that doesn't really make sense to me. Thanks for letting me share, and any ES & H you might have, please feel free......yes, I have a sponsor but in Naranon, not in AA. Yes, I did talk to her about this, she doesn't live local but I do call her when I really need to, so that helps a lot.

Phinneas

Yes, I know that fear. I would channel that fear into a good, solid, thorough first step. Time to get an AA sponsor and work these things through. I know for me, my first step was so intense that there is not a single, small, itty-bitty doubt that I can EVER drink or use again.

Sometimes fear is good, ya know?

Congrats on your sober time.

CarolD

I totally agree with Phinny.

Also....check out this link...

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

Glad to see you and Congratulations!

michski

It's exactly the fear you explain that keeps me sober. It's a healthy and REAL fear and one that reminds me daily of just how easy it would be to screw up everything good in my life for one imagined moment of relief from booze.

Chy

I think as time goes on we're given the next emotion we're ready to handle. I understand that fear and had a meltdown about 6 months into sobriety. It was overwhelming and I cried and cried and cried over any and everything. This is the next growth spurt in your recovery and so long as you don't drink you'll be okay. The fear lessons with time and you can be sure if it's "just a phase" if your like me you'll have those drinking dreams to remind you of what it is you fear. I had a doozy a couple of weeks ago and pretty much set me on track for the next year for sure. It's normal, what your going through will pass and just think of it as the foundation building up slowly towards complete emotional health. Your going to be okay, promise!

jpeace2

Thank you all.....it helps to know I'm not going crazy. I did well over the holidays, actually. I haven't told my parents anything other than that I'm not drinking at the moment. I'm sure this is boggling their minds, because I was usually the first one at the bar, so to speak, every Christmas Eve, and this year my dad must have asked me three times, "are you sure I can't make you a drink or something?" but fortunately he didn't question my answer of 'No, that's OK, I'm fine with water." I'm just not ready to go there with them yet, I don't need the judgment, which I may be projecting, but.....

Carol, thanks for the link.....I had forgotten about PAW. I use a lot of Gorski's stuff at work with my patients, and I know I've seen this in Staying Sober before but, as is usually the case, I have a hard time relating this stuff to myself since I'm still new at it. This totally just freaked me out.....this guy is ME!!!

CAPTAINZING2000

ahhh

that was fear and loathing in Las Vegas actually


The longer you keep your disease at bay hopefully you'll get a better connection with your higher power.

If you're worried pray, if you've prayed don't worry.

Getting thru the triple crown every year is a feat all it's own.

F-ace
E-verything
A- nd
R- ecover

We may be powerless but, we're not helpless

http://www.coping.org/control/powerless.htm

jpeace2

Pssst....that's where the parody part comes in I gave up the loathing for Lent, actually. And forgot to take it back.

I do have a decent connection with my HP, I'm pretty convinced that is what brought me here. I started working on that last November while I was still drinking and I really do believe that is what finally made me ask for help. But I know it can always get stronger, I do still struggle with the "turning it over" step. I keep wanting to grab things back.....the if you've prayed don't worry part.

I like that definition of FEAR as oppposed to the one I've been doing for 25 years.....F*ck Everything And Run. My God.......it just dawned on me that I have been drinking off and on, more on than off, for 25 years! I reiterate..."and I had to come here and ASK if I had a problem?" Do these revelations stop coming after a while, cuz I'm really starting to get freaked out by just how in denial I was that I had issues.

Powerless I can do. I really am OK with the fact that I shouldn't be.....and cannot control....drinking. I honestly don't WANT to as much as I fear that I WILL....it's almost like as soon as I said HI, I'm Genie and I'm an alcoholic for the first time, THAT is when the fear started. I guess that's normal? When I was drinking, I didn't see it as a problem so there was nothing to fear, does that make any sense??

Sorry for all the questions, I've had some time to think lately and what I am coming up with is really bothering me and messing with my head.

CAPTAINZING2000

Didn't aks if, you start your day in meditation or not. Works for me
http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/library/PN/00008.html

Glad to see you know you're reaching a point where you need to slow down.

Typical Aries !!!!!

I've got 7 or 8 sites all going on and I keep forgetting which site I need to go back and respond to

I spend a lot of time in prayer. It's called turning it over and believing!!!!

Channel your weakness to the God of your understanding.

The closer I am to GOD, the closer GOD is with me.

IF, you're so inclined to not having faith in a higher power, surround yourself with positive people.

Relaxing jazz, brisk walks, laughter, call or visit family members or friends you keep thinking you don't have time for. When's that last time you called someone up to say I love you???

Makes you feel a lot better. Bet you a cup of Starbucks on it!!!