leem03

I haven’t posted in a while. I just come on and browse. My AH, moved back home after living with his “FRIEND” for about six months. He said that he wanted to come home and work on things. That he doesn’t want to be with her, that he ran to her for all of the wrong reasons. So he’s been home about a month and of course the condition that he stops the drinking hasn’t been upheld. His bowling season started back up again & not such a good thing to be out with the guys I guess. So how nice that since he was able to get totally drunk he could end up at his “Friend’s” place again.

I assumed that my AH would be home about 9am the next day to shower and change and head back out the door. So first thing that morning I woke up and called the locksmith. Unfortunately my AH was late arriving and he showed up when the locksmith was in the driveway. He came in furious. I tried to calm him down to get him to not create a major scene. Well we got through it and it took about 1 ½ hours to change all the locks. Well during that time AH made nice with the locksmith and got a copy of the key before he handed the rest of them over to me. Of course after the locksmith left, I got a crap load of apologies about him being drunk and not wanting to be with her blah, blah blah. I ignored him the rest of the day after he left to head where? Back up to the bar. He was home at 6pm and passed out on the couch. I had a softball game & he actually came up to watch it & then came home with me & offered to draw me a bath with candles. I told him not to bother. So we spent part of the day together Saturday after more of his empty promises.

Sunday we woke up and my daughter and I went up to watch him bowl. He of course needed to go stop by the bar to check on the games. I made a nice dinner and he kept saying he was going to be home. He never made it. He called on his way to his “friend’s” place. Drunk again, saying he knew he shouldn’t be going to her house but that she was up at the bar talking crap about him and that he just wanted to talk to her about it. I told him not to bother. That I was done taking his crap again. He said he was sorry. That he didn’t want me to be mad at him. That he doesn’t love her, but that he’s not happy being back at home. I said well then you just need to stay with her and leave me alone & let me get on with my life. He said but I don’t want to lose you, you’re my best friend. I said well you can’t have it both ways and I cannot be your friend. You don’t treat your friends this way.

And that’s it. Here I sit crying my eyes out AGAIN. I can’t even count the amount of chances I have given this man to get his **** together. I can’t do it anymore. I love him so much but there has to be a point that I stop being the door mat. The problem isn’t me so much, but our daughter who is 5. She’s so happy to have him home again. And it breaks my heart. He told her that he was going to give her a baby brother or sister and she has been asking for a baby sister for a while now. Normally, I can just tell her that it’s not right to have a baby now, or whatever, but he told her he would give her a baby!!! What in the world was he thinking??

Ok pity party for me. I just don’t know what the heck to do anymore. So now my plan is to wait until he does come home & leaves again tomorrow morning to call another locksmith to change the locks again. I just don’t know what else to do. I don’t know why I’m taking the time to write this posting. I guess it just helps to get it down in black & white. Damn him! I hate him for doing this to me again. Actually, I hate myself for letting him do it to me again. I knew it would happen. It was just a matter of when. So now I have to prepare myself for another song & dance show tomorrow from him. And I have to be strong. Not listen to his crap and not let him back in. AND tell me something. What is the matter with this stupid skank woman of his? How do you feel about yourself when a man comes back to you when he’s drunk off his ass again? Does it make you feel good or does it just make her feel good to know that he is with her as long as he’s not with me? She is an awful human being.

I hate myself for all of this crap again. Thank you to anyone who may have read this whole thing. Please pray for my daughter to get through this all again ok. I hate to see her heart being broken again by this man. I hate him so much, but damn him because I love him so much more than I could ever hate him.

I do have to change the locks again, right? I can't hold out any more hope, right? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Savana 54

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. But, you do have a choice; you don't have to live this way. Have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings?

Nothing changes if nothing changes. I decided that I didn't want to live with all the drama and chaos that xabf brought into our home. Although I miss him, I know it's the best thing in the long run.

(((((((hugs)))))))

take2

(((((leem03)))))

I am so sorry for your pain. Like Savana said "nothing changes if nothing changes!!". It is up to you to make the decision. I know how much the pain hurts but only you can make it stop. I have 2 kids- 2 and 4 y/o and I want better for them. My 4 y/o watched my drunk exAH (6'4" and 250lbs) drop her brother (2 y/o) and fall on top of him. That was my wake up call! When I feel sad for him, when I miss him and wonder if I made the right decision I think of that and I feel much better knowing I made the right choice. Afterall, my son got away with bruises, cuts and a broken tooth- what could have happend next if I stayed? Glad I will never find out!!!

leem03

Take2 that is awful. I can only imagine how scary that must have been for you. I am so proud of everyone on here for doing the right thing and trying to get on with their lives. I have been on this roller coaster for so long. All the ups and the continued downs. I want to be strong like all of you too. I will change those lock again tomorrow but I will cry my eyes out as soon as the locksmith leaves!!!!

Savanah, thank you too. I know you are right. None of this is easy, but I just hoped again that this time it would be different......Wrong Again!

I have done nothing but cry & cry & cry. Congratulations to you both for doing the right thing. I am so proud of all of you guys tonight, I hope I can join the crowd and move on too.

take2

Leem,
Let me assure you that I also did A LOT of crying. When I say A LOT, I mean I never thought I would stop crying. Losing my marriage was like a death to me. I lost the person I loved, the "dream" of a family for my kids. I cried so much I couldn't get up off the bed (I cried a lot at night once the kids were asleep). I cried so much I could barely breathe! Each day I've cried less and less. My head knows what is right but my heart felt the pain. I had to think with my head and not my heart- my heart got me no where.

The point is that this is a hard decision and not one taken lightly. Strength comes to me as the days go on- I just knew that I had to make a change. I am still very weak but I know I can not be with him anymore. I want more out of my life and he is not the right one for me!

leem03

I have been there before. I have gone through this already numerous times. I know I will continue crying for days & weeks. I will be strong and maintain as little contact with him as possible. I will stop taking his phone calls and responding to his text messages. I know he hates me ignoring him. He NEEDS me to be co-die on him. Then when he can't take any more, he comes up with some kicker......he's going to check himself into rehab. He lost his insurance card, so he has his mom call me for it. He just needs to talk because he knows his life is a mess and he knows I am the only one who can help him.

When he calls out for help, I keep thinking............maybe this time will be different. It never is. I have to be strong, I know it. That's why I admire all of you. I know how hard it is. I have been there. But each time I recede back and each time I cry it isn't any easier, it's worse, because I call myself an idiot for letting it happen again. It's just so hard for me, because I keep thinking of the vows.......In sickness and in health..........HE is so SICk. How do I let go of a man who needs help? I know he has to be the one to want it, but it is so hard to walk away yet another time.

Thank you for your support again Take2, every little word or encouragement helps!

leem03

You know what really sucks is that I made this wonderful dinner. Rotissere chicken, mashed potatoes, stuffing, corn on the cob, rolls, all with gravy. And I can't bring myself to clean up the mess. I walk into the kitchen and I cry. I guess when he strolls through tomorrow I want him to see the effort I went to and make him feel even worse when he walks through the door. Except, he won't really care. If he cared how I felt he would be home right now lying in bed next to me instead of shacking up at her place.

I hate feeling like this. I hate the pain inside. It hurts so badly that sometimes it's hard to breathe. I mean it's only dinner for crying out loud. Who cares!!!!

I care, that's the problem. How can he keep doing this to me and claim to love me????

cwohio

because he's got the disease of alcoholism leem. it's been said here many times, when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, then you will know you've had enough. lots of us have been where you are now - stuck on that fence - you'll jump to the other side when you are ready. prayers to you tonight!

Savana 54

Because he is an alcoholic..they're very selfish and only take instead of giving in a relationship. I always used to ask myself that same thing. They are in love with the booze; it's a disease--You can't cure it, You can't control it, and You didn't cause it.

It is what it is...It's your life, you don't have to live this way.

Hugs,
Savana

FaithChaser

Leem,

I think tears make us stronger, dishes can wait. Mine are still sitting in the sink, dogs may decide to take them out and pre-clean them. Just wanted you to know you are not alone, I'm sitting up here praying deeply for everyone on here. I know HP is listening because I've calmed down.

Huge Hugs,
~FaithChaser

JT

It sounds to me like he is working both of you...I mean, is it possible that after 6 months she kicked his butt to the curb so he came crawling back? Then you put some heat on and he runs back the other way...?

Aside from that you need to get your head straight. Meetings? Education? Read "Codependent no More"....whatever it takes. Good sound decisions will never come out of faulty thinking and your thinking has been affected by alcoholism and the chaos it creates. You owe yourself that much.

Hugs,
JT

dax

If you have set boundaries, he hasn't taken notice. Make a list of the positve things you feel when he is in your home- then the negative. He is also indangering your health by going from you to the ow. This is a patern that will repeat itself until someone changes- probaly gonna have to be you. I would stop payment if you paid that ignorant locksmith by check. He should not have given your h a key. Make your decsion and decide about the lock change. If you do =tell him to call you with a 6 month or better yet 1 year chip. By then you may have found living withoiut him is a lot less stressful dax