WhatAboutME

Hi All:

It's been a while since I have posted, or even read, but not much has changed. I currently live in NY and my AH recently accepted a fantastic job offer in FL and moved in the beginning of September. The plan "was" that I would join him in a few months after selling our house here in NY. I've been cautiously optimistic about relocating and getting a fresh start. Needless to say, he has been only been gone for 1 month and may have just lost his job tonight. He had to attend a sales meeting with his company in CA. I just got a call from his boss that they literally had to carry him out of a dinner meeting because he was falling down drunk. He is supposed to get on a plane in about 7 hours to go back to FL.

I really feel like this may finally be "it" for me, the last straw. After a Summer of 3 trips to medical detox and not being to go for more than a few days without binging...I'm just so tired. I'm 34, going on 60. My life is passing me by. We have no kids (thankfully). He admits he's an alcoholic and "says" he wants help, but never seems to follow through. He'll go to a couple of meetings, and that's about it. It breaks my heart to even say this, but I'm losing hope. I believe he may very well be one of the ones who doesn't make it. And I'm overcome with guilt because I just want peace in my life. I'm sick of everyday being about him and his unresolved problem with drinking. We are on the verge of financial ruins, and I'm scared. We own a retail business and I will be closing our store in mid-October, which was part of the plan to move back to FL. Instead, I will look for a FT job and try to get back on my feet, but the outstanding bills on my kitchen table right now are just overwhelming. I've always been a strong, independent person and I am ashamed that I have allowed myself to go this long and let things get this bad. We have been married 5 years. I feel like I am giving up on him, but my own state of well-being is so compromised right now. I worry that if I file for a legal separation (and ultimately divorce), he will quickly head into a downward spiral and completely give up. I know that I can't control his drinking and that I can't cure his alcoholism, but I am still his wife and still feel obligated. The logical part of me knows that my leaving and him possbily losing his job are the consequences of his drinking, and that being held accountable for his actions may actually be the best thing for him in the long run. But my heart aches because at the end of the day I'm NOT an alcoholic, and I don't understand this uncontrollable behavior, and I am still in complete disbelief that he is throwing everything away.

There is a thread about knowing when it is finally time to leave. But when you do know, how do you overcome the guilt of your decision? When will I be able to sleep the night through without worrying if he has been arrested, gotten into a car accident or is laying face down in a ditch some where? When will my stomach not be in knots anymore? When will my heart stop aching?

minnie

Guilt? Why should you feel guilty about taking care of yourself? He's a grown adult, not your child. There are solutions (AA, therapy, rehab) out there to his problems IF HE WANTS RECOVERY.

One phrase that kep me going when I left was "the most loving thing we can do is to allow the alcoholic to hit their rock bottom." After all, we know we can't "save" them, so the only way they'll get help is by hitting their bottom. Sacrificing ourselves at the altar of alcoholism won't change anything about them and will destroy us.

Dream_Chaser8

I feel for you emensely. There is ONLY ONE thing YOU can do FOR him, and that is pray. Put him in the hands of his Higher Power, and "Let go and let God". Just a suggestion, but check out some threads or information on "Detaching with love". This is a good one:

http://www.nicholls.edu/hemard/CM%20PDF%20471/Detaching%20With%20Love.pdf#search='Detaching%20wi th%20love'

Copy and paste into your address bar.

God bless, I will say a prayer for both of you.

WhatAboutME

I guess I feel guilty because I feel that if I completely detach from him, he may very well hurt himself, or God forbid, someone else. I guess I'm still trying to control his alcoholism.

"the most loving thing we can do is to allow the alcoholic to hit their rock bottom." After all, we know we can't "save" them, so the only way they'll get help is by hitting their bottom. I guess I'm starting to feel that death may very well be his bottom, and that just breaks my heart.

cwohio

What - i had these same feelings about my AH and had finally let go and was in the process of looking into moving out and separating. i finally "got it" that i had to do for myself. my AH passed away from the direct results of alcoholism 3 weeks ago and i know without a doubt there was not a thing i could do for him. i pray you will know that too and do what you need to do for you!

WhatAboutME

cwohio, I actually read your post and am very sorry for your loss. And after reading your post a few days ago, I realized that this could very well be my own husband, soon. He is a heavy binge drinker and I have found him a few times and thought that he was dead - completely unresponsive, half-open eyes that were rolled back, etc. I actually had to lean in really close to even hear his shallow breathing. It was frightening.

cwohio

yes it is and i too worried about this outcome. it's very hard to let go and let them do their thing their own way. my prayers are with you that you have strength to care of yourself.

FriendofBill

How to get over guilt?

Great question. Here is my solution:

Take a look, with a trusted 12 stepper recovering from the effects of alcoholism, at your feelings of guilt and see if you have a part in it.

"A part""

Do you cause him to drink?

Did you make him an alcoholic?

Are you required to give up your life in order to make sure he doesnt physcially hurt himself?

Did you ever deny him his attempts at sobriety?

If the answer to any of these is *yes*, then your guilt feelings are justifiable, if you answered no, then you have a bad case of codependency and probably should seek knowledge on how to own what is *Your* part and disown *his* part.

Ever try al-anon? Saves codie lives on a daily basis!

dreamygirl

Hi -

I don't have much advice to give you - because I know exactly how you feel and can sympathize 100%. I too have guilt- even though I KNOW I should not. I can't answer yes to any of Friend of Bill's questions, but I still feel sad about detaching from my AH.

If you go back in my posts and read my situation my AH - could very well die from his addiction. He has bled twice from esophageal varices. His first episode was 7 years ago before I even knew him - and he never told me about it. It was not until his second episode 2 months ago - that I learned the truth from his doctors - he lay in his hospital bed still in denial and lying.

We have been married 9 months. I am 39 - and also do not want to throw my life away. I moved out 2 months ago (actually 3 days before he began to bleed again) - and even though he spent one week in inpatient (because he went back to drinking after he was discharged from hospital in July) and now attends AA and says he got a sponsor - I don't feel as though I can move back, because I need to see his ACTIONS - because his words don't match his actions. He is still placing blame, finding fault in me - and only caring about his needs, as in wanting his wife back.

A lot of damage has been done to me, and ALL trust has been broken - I never knew his history nor knew of his alcoholism before I married him. And yes, it would have made a difference in our future - because he was not recovering, he was still drinking!

Anyway - the disease is so powerful and so devistating. I too feel guilty for walking away - but unfortunately when I am there, he still drinks, so I need to stay away for now. He caused a great deal of emotional/mental/verbal abuse, throughout our new marriage. I struggle with my future every day and do not know what I will do. I fear that I will not be able to live the rest of my life wondering if he will relapse - but I do still love him. It is such a very very heartbreaking situation.

I wish you all the best.

Dreamygirl

FormerDoormat

I know this scenario well. I'd found my exA near death due to a combination of his alcoholism and diabetes on several occasions. I'd call 911 to have him revived. And each time he nearly died, a part of me died, too.

My life had turned into a living nightmare. And just like you, I feared that if I left my AB, he'd have free access to alcohol and he'd drink himself to death in just a few weeks.

Then I read a post that changed my way of thinking. I can't remember which post it was or exactly how it was worded, but basically the point was:

"Your alcholic is an adult and he/she IS capable of taking care of themselves. You do them a disservice by believing that they can't. As long as you believe they're incapable of taking care of themselves and you continue to enable them by taking care of all their responsibilities, they have no reason to change."

Boy was that poster right. It was incredibly cocky of me to assume that my boyfriend was incapable of taking care of himself and that he'd fall apart without me and drink himself into an even earlier death.

Six months ago, I asked him to move out, still believing that he'd drink himself to death in a matter of weeks. And while he's still drinking, he's doing OK without me, he hasn't drank himself to death, and he even joined a program at a nearby church for addicts. All on his own. All without me manipulating him into it.

He did it because he finally realized that his life was spiraling out of control and that he had no control over his drinking. He called me last night, drunk, so he's had a relapse, and that's to be expected. Just like we codies, addicts sometimes relapse. I strive for progress, not perfection. And I believe my xAB is doing the same.

Would he be where he is today--seeking help on his own and actively trying to change--if I had continued to believe that he would fall apart without me? I think the answer is clearly no. He would still be denying that he had a problem because as long as I assumed all his responsibilities he could fool himself into believe that he was functioning normally.

It's when I stopped assuming that my xAB would fall apart without me that he finally saw the light and he finally sought help on his own. Will he be successful? Will he be able to reach and maintain sobriety? I don't know. I pray he does, because he is such a dear, sweet man, with a kind heart, and he deserves to be happy.

And you know what? I deserve to be happy, too. I found happiness when I let go of the things I couldn't change and I started to work on me. You can do the same, whether you ultimately decide to leave your AH or you decide to stay. Either way you can learn how to detach with love.

Your AH won't fall apart without you. He is fully capable of taking care of himself. Perhaps you should let him give it a try.

WhatAboutME

You're right. He admits to being an alcoholic. He says he wants help. And he's been to an i/p rehab twice. He does know what has to be done, I guess he just needs to take some responsibility for his actions and actually DO IT!

dreamygirl

This is just an update about me. I posted here almost 2 years ago - about my situation. Married and left 7 months later after learning my husband was an endstage, abusive alcoholic. I tried repeatedly to get him into rehab because I thought HE would beat the odds and the statistics. I thought I could save him - but he just kept drinking.

2 years ago this month he then began to stalk me at work sitting out in my parking lot, following a friend home - walking around my car - all in a serious drunken stuper. He was arrested on the property - found with open containers of beer and champagne in his car, urinated in his pants - yet still driving a car around a heavily crowded parking lot - could easily have killed someone.

I got a restraining order as I feared for my safety. He was an excop (fired from the job many, many years before we met) and I was told he had weapons in our former home. He was ordered to turn in any firearms but never did. 2 months later they found a gun in his desk where he worked - but he was in rehab at the time so they could not prove it was his.

He still violated the restraining order but was sneaky about it - used a calling card and left me messages but his words were jumbled, because he had been drinking. He was charged with four counts of contempt of court and it only went to trial this past August - our judicial system is SLOW. The jury found him not guilty - I had to take the stand and I shook the entire time. I had not seen him in almost 2 years. He was enormous and looked as sick and drunk as ever - unemployed, difficulty walking etc. It was very sad and upsetting for me to see. Because he was found not guilty - I lost my restaining order but still had one that was good in the bordering state where I also happen to live.

2 days ago I got a phone call - he was found dead in his home. And i believe he had been dead for almost 7 days - - the third time the esophageal varices killed him and he bled to death.

I don't have to be scared anymore, avoid a lot of towns where I feared I would run into him, make sure I have a restraining order or worry he will come find me.

But I will forever be sad for him - sad for this loss of life to such a horrible, insidious and out of control disease that kills so many people. Sad he suffered for so many years unable to recover, life for him must have been hell on earth. I hope he is now at peace and out of pain. I hope one day I can forget all those scary, sad, painful memories I have of my life with him - - one day I will.

God Bless all of you - those living with this disease in one way or the other.

rawr_x

dont feel guilty, it makes you stressed and stress isnt a good thing