Pick-a-name

OK: I think I know the answer to my questions,but.......(that means trouble/that little seed of doubt trying to sprout yet again!). A/H came over to talk (this is always a struggle as he is the silent/stubborn type) at my request. We have basically been separated (living ) for about 3 years, but not many people know it...it is all weird. Well he filed for divorce last year after a family intervention. It is supposed to be final this week. Friday night we had dinner..our 27yr anniversary.

I said to him, so you have never even given me a reason for this divorce; suppose you tell me. He said the "you made me drink" thing but also said this: He was so mad at me saying he had a problem drinking (hammered it...that could have been, I do not recall but I know I don't try to talk about it, didn't count,pour out, he didn't hide his drinking,etc) he is still angry about it; and then the intervention...he filed right after that. He also claims (now;about 2 yrs later--yes, same thing I said he is still angry I said) that yes, he "did have an alcohol abuse problem then, that is the other reason he moved out, and is angry that I have not given him credit for cleaning up his life and not abusing alcohol". When he moved out it was nightly drinking, verbal abuse, he and teenage son got physical a few times, and he moved not long after he got in my face (nothing physical) and I told him do what he wanted, but if he touched me, I would call the police. period. He knew I would and went in the other room. He was all proud of himself because he didn't (?!). HELLO!
Before one divorce hearing I asked please; all kids (17 and 23) and I have ever asked you to do to move back in was get an assessment and we would know for sure what was going on. In the past Dr. had told me he was an alcoholic; has family history (reluctantly given), etc. He did; BUT refused to allow me to talk to the assessment person or anyone else. His behavior is completely out of character..become very self-centered, collecting wine, there was a girlfriend that he got in troulble at work with (hid it all from me even after filing?) blah,blah....OK assessment said "not candidate for their program; seek counseling for alternative methods to relieve stress". he said. My sister is in this OP program, will not even accept you unless you agree no drinking. May or may not be pertinent. He did not seek the counseling. 'he doesn't have a problem, except communication lately. OK,then! '

A few weeks ago daughter and I had a "talk" with him about things...asked him if he has ever in the time he has been out of the house, given up drinking completely, just as experiment say for 30 days. She and son had asked him to stop, if it is not a problems. Finally he was frustrated and announced: "I never have and I never will". That sounds about what I expected. He has had something to drink daily for at least 20 yrs and probably been drinking (and drugging on and off) since his teens..he's almost 51yr.

So: my question to you is could it truly be possible for someone to drink a 12 pk nightly for several years and then drink "socially".(alone is not that social,but) or: is that why he needs to drink where the kids and I don't know he is still drinking. maybe it's quieter and he feels less guilty,but....) esp. when he gives the "had to drink because of you/stress/quack. Where is the line between true provoking and believing a bunch of crap (can you tell I think the later?) Especially when I reminded him he moved out because "I made him drink" and "he was afraid he would drink himself to death if he didn't" AND "he is still mad at me because I said there was a problem with the way he drank and the problems it was causing the kids." Like he said himself: is this a guy who wants to drink and quacking, or can alcohol abuse truly last many months and years to the point of night sweats, violence,pre-drinking,gulping, taking with him IF he even went,etc? and then just stop. And why can't it stop at home? and why didn't he just stop altogether.....AT home; or any time? Am I just a fault-finder or do I hear a duck?

I know I shouldn't even post this; ask him (he is bent out of shape at me not believing him and he can't get past that anger ?) so I just asked the basic and he tells me how many...I say whatever, I don't care how many..are you still drinking? It is pointless; but the crack in the door is open just enough..please help me out.

Could it be possible for him to drink abusively then scale back by himself to a daily "social " drinker. I say no. If it was abusive; wouldn't you stop at some point instead. And even if he scaled back......without changing anything but his circumstances, aren't we expecting it to creep back up at some point?
WHEW...why do I do this ? MY INSANITY! (I don't want him to know I doubt myself,though! )

Pick-a-name

I read this back and thought.......drop the rock!
Your answers still are welcome

Savana 54

Hi Pick,
I think that he probably won't tell you the honest truth about his drinking. He will lie to you anyway he can.

Alcohol is his lover. I never thought this could be true, but A's think of booze as we may think of another women/man. They obsess about it, as we obsess over them. They fantacize about the booze and when they can drink again. It sounds very odd and strange, but thats the way it is. They are OBSESSED with the booze, and they want no one to stand in the way of that!!

I know were you are at right now. You're trying to rationalize the whole situation; I do this a lot too. I over analyze everything, wondering if it is my fault.

The bottom line is, is that he isn't ready to quit drinking. When someone suggested he had a problem, he thought, "how dare they!" Either they don't see themselves the way we do, or they're in total denial about it. Not sure which one.

I know this is so difficult for you right now. Thirty years is a very, very long time to be married in this day and age. But with the right support and learning to take care of you, you will get through this. Who knows, maybe you will be able to someday love again, with someone that is honest, kind, and caring about you.

Hang in there, maybe find a good Al-Anon meeting, and I would highly suggest a good Counselor as well. I know for me, Counseling has helped me, quit a bit.

Hugs,
Savana

Pick-a-name

Thanks Savana.......that's the funny part; he was like that until just the past few years (first 25 were good!) where it comes and goes...you know! Thank you for your suggestions; they are good..I have been doing some but will probably need more mwork.

Our kids are a great help.....their denial is cracked and they don't cut him any slack anymore either. I think his noose is tightening a little bit, but who knows?

Pick-a-name

That's why I wonder midlife crisis or what.........but alcohol is ALWAYS a player...so why do I doubt it and why would he care, otherwise? If I questioned him about crack, he would (probably!) laugh!

StandingStrong

Hope you don't mind that I'm going to be a little blunt and to the point with my thoughts. I'm pressed for time as I'm getting ready to head out the door. However, I wanted to respond to this post.
In reading your post, I was reminded of how I, myself, often feel when I'm having doubts about my ah. That doubt does creep in, I start to second guess myself, I ask myself if it really is just me, etc etc etc and when I talk about these doubts, I tend to sound ALOT like your post above.
I think deep down you truy know the answer. Somewhere in your heart and soul you are just wishing and hoping that it wasn't true. The door of denial is very comforting sometimes because it allows us to not see the truth, face the truth, and/or deal with the reality. Feeling the guilt allows us to rationalize, gives us something we think we can control, etc.
Of course those are just my opinions, but I think you already know the answer to your question. Your having to even ask about another person's drinking issues is in my opinion a sure sign that drinking is a problem. If it's a problem, it's a problem. That pretty much sums up my point as far as the "what if's" are concerned and the second guessing.
You know the answers already. I hope you find a way to accept them.
Wishing you peace.

Pick-a-name

I do......I just listened to his quack yesterday, and he usually plans in advance when I see him or at the office. I just talked to him (I was supposed to call earlier) ..............he may not be drinking, but that "other guy", the one that got "busted" by me yesterday that prompted the talk that almost made me buy part of his story....he was on the phone...being selfish and arrogant. Thank you for your candor..I knew someone would write and tell me all that stuff I know; I believe better when I read it! My husband and buddy of 30 yrs is sometimes a complete stranger.

FriendofBill

I have read the many posts your have made lately about him divorcing you. Your pain is obvious and Im sorry for it. I dont know if you work a 12 step program, if not, I hope you start.

WHat I see is a woman so desperately trying to change the unchangeable, and in a terrible state of obsession. He wants out. Period. Doesnt matter why, doesnt matter is you change your mindset on his disease...you cannot control him to change his mind.

So,,,now, what are you going to do to get through this? Its your choice...we have choices and optioms. I choose recovery because it is filled with people who have been there, and come thru it, who give love and support and make the unacceptable, acceptable.

Surrender. To his choice to leave, to his disease, to your ability to not chage the things you want changed. There is a ceratin sense of relief once we surrender.

Pick-a-name

FoB: Thank you for your candor....you are quite right.....back to working on ME. I was frantic.....and of course, it didn't do anything but wear me out.
Back to business......