Nightcrawler

Just wanted to say hi to everybody, and a big thank you for supporting this forum.
I`m 32, Mle. ACOA, lone child, and raised by my mum mostly since her many relationships usually didnt last because of her issues, and my father who was working at sea I didnt see very often. Usually he was drunk or isolated when off the job. Having no other adults around I shut myself in, and thought it was all my fault.
Hard writing about who I actually am, always afraid of attention which could "compromize" my home....

Right now Im glad Ive found others out there. Feeling all alone, and without hope of making positive relationships with anyone killed all my motivation of making a life for myself. Hoping I will someday get into a good ACOA group since I`ve tried AA, AN groups and even though I`ve had issues with Cannabis I just cannot relate or open myself in those groups.

All the best

IAmEnough

Nightcrawler,

Glad to have you here! You are welcome among our family of brothers and sisters of ACOA origins. Read all you can here, this is just like going to a meeting. Speaking of meetings, I don't have an ACOA meeting I can attend in my hometown either. But I get a lot out of Al-Anon meetings. Many people at the Al-Anon meetings are ACOAs just like me. I hope you can find an ACOA meeting, but if not maybe try a different Al-Anon meeting. Each meeting group has their own personalitity, so if you don't feel comfortable with the first group, try another. Also, you might want to stick it out with the same group for at least a few meetings. Sometimes it just takes awhile to feel like it fits you.

Just realizing and admitting that your are an ACOA and that it has affected your life is the biggest and most powerful step you can take.

Blessings and daily healing to you my friend,

DesertEyes

Welcome night, always a pleasure to meet a fellow ACoA. You may wish to explore Al-Anon meetings in your area, many of them have incorporated ACoA as many of us get involved in relationships with alcoholics and addicts.

Looking forward to your posts and insights.

Mike :-)

splendra

((((nightcrawler)))))

Welcome to Sober Recovery.

I think a lot of ACOAs feel less than human at times. I like to remind myself as much as I can that I am as valuable as anyone else and that I deserve happiness.

At first I did not believe it and was just repeating a phrase. I have roped off the place inside me that is deeply wounded I accept this place inside of me but, you know what I do not have to live in that place. There is uncharted unwounded places inside of me and I can be as happy as I want to be.

I can refuse to make a problem a life long drama and instead find a solution that works for me. I beleive I am just as good as anyone and I hope you will begin to believe it too `cause it is the truth is who you actually are is a wonderful child of God.

nocellphone

Hi, nightcrawler. I just wanted to join the others in saying welcome to SR...

I, too, have found relief from my ACoA issues within the rooms of Al-Anon.

I hope you find the peace and connectedness you seek...

utopia

hiya, big hug and welcome.

there used to be acoa meetings in my city and codependent ones too but now tehres just alanon and aa, think theres OA and NA too. i find a fair bunch of acoas in alanon and when i first came the alanon program suggests u try 6 meetings b4 u decide its not for u and each group is autonomous so do try other meetings.

i found some had certain cliques which i couldnt sit with because alanon is about principles above personalities. i pray u find some well deserved peace in your life

Nightcrawler

Thank you all for your supportive words.
No Al-anon group in this city unfortunatly, but I`m thinking about writing to one close by and ask if they have ACOA meetings and maybe only attend them because its a long and expencive travel.

Had a very good talk to my social worker today, and lended him the ACOA book (Janet G Woititz) for him to study until next session (14 days..) Following up on his meetings is one of my top priorities since I`ve never followed through therapy that wasnt forced upon me. (somekind of phoenix house/therapautic community 10 years ago)

Yesterday I hurt bad, anxiety, depression, isolation mainly, but after doing some praying in my head laying on the couch (lol) it loosened alot. Prayed for guidance, then the phone rang telling me I`ve got free lottery tickets that could earn me a million, and the lottery was sponsored by a foundation against drug abuse. Is this a sign or what!1

Had problems sleeping, especially since my temporary roommate which I`m helping out against my better judgement was on the pc with the headset. Laying there tossing, turning and saw a similiarity to my childhood where I lay agonized by noises from my drunk mother alone/having partyes. I got up and actually surprised myself by the autority in my voice, telling him to cut the headset. After that I finally got a grip, meditated "watching a stone grow" I fell asleep.

Meditation helps me alot especially before sleeping, and I found out I sleep alot better since I wake earlier and In better mood than ever. Should learn to meditate in the morning for quieting my inner chaotic toughts, but 1 baby step at the time.

Thank you again, and may God grant you guidance

Catherine W.

Hi -

I am a newly recovering cannabis abuser myself and now that I have quit (only on day 5), all this pain is STILL here to be dealt wtih that came from my formative years. I too am an only child though I aquired half brothers at age 18.

I just wanted you to know that when you said, "Feeling all alone, and without hope of making positive relationships with anyone killed all my motivation of making a life for myself." it really hit a soft spot with me and I couldn't relate to you more on this one.

I feel like instead of really working on becoming a self-sufficient adult, I spent all my adult life searching for love and hopiong to find a mate and have a good family of my own. I am now 39 and I have about given up on having an intimate relationship anymore. I just am not good at them and I know why. I have too much shame and anger and I have developed some very maladaptive defense mechanisms.

I feel unworthy and have picked other alcoholics and addicts all my life who have nothing stable to offer either.

I finally am having my own addiction crisis and realized I have been covering up unresolved pain no matter how much therapy I have had and in spite of attending Al-anon and ACOA groups myself.

What I was told though recently, is to look for the similarities, not the differences. I think we all suffer from what they call "terminal uniqueness" to the point where we have a hard time feeling understood and like we fit in anywhere or deserve any understanding or unconditiional love.

Well, we really do. The first step I am taking is to get clean and sober and to stop abusing myself and my mind and covering up potential with all that. It has taken me a lot of years to realize my addictions are out of control and not helping me. I think went from looking for love to just looking for escape.

I had a bad car accident as well and have physical problems and have always had mental illness and my father always shamed me and never understood. To this day, he doesn't seem to care or believe thta I am disabled by chronic pain. Even though he is in AA, he can't even bring himself to ask me if he can help or how I am though my mother cares about me and is helping me by letting me live at her house while I apply for SSDI (disability).


(geeze, i am really pouring out my soul) But this is the stuff that really hurts and it is reflectivie of the same old wounds from when I was younger and things were different.

I have learned to discount who I am and what is really going on and have beat myself up to a pulp for years emotionally because I am not okay when the mental illness I have, came from HIS side of the family but is denied and looked down on all the time.

I have had so much pain that I have not been able to concentrate on a healthy happy way of life and having normal successes. So, I don't really talk to him that much though I maintain the facade and fight with myself all the time about what a bad daughter I have been, what a dissappointment, what if he is right and I am just lazy and nothing is wrong (whcih I know is b.s.)

Anyway, I am rambling. But one thing i am trying to do , is just let go of those who have hurt me, even my own father. I have not been to any ACOA meeting or bothered to address any of this in counseling againbut now that I am sober and learning to love myself and rebuild mylife from here, no matter what is my fault or what I had no control over (ie. a car wreck that was not my fualt and which I suffer for every day physically). I am going to be okay, no matter what that man did to me. I will make it. I will. And so will you if you really want to. We just have to want to.

Hugs,
Catherine

utopia

catherine, i hear you, much blessings to you.

i have often gotten into some physical suffering with a condition of mine. for me, it really can be hard when the people i love the most are unsupportive and insensitive to my pain. i think for them there is a lack of understanding through not having experienced what I had gone through, a lack of patience and unresolved issues in their lives which have nothing and at the most only a little to do with me.

i have had moments with my family where the craziness and what I feel was a cold and uncaring approach was not what I thought was a sane reaction to a family member in dire physical pain. i found their craziness harder to accept in regards to my physical pain because it takes time to heal and sometimes it never does when you have a health condition or have undergone an accident etc, unlike emotional and spiritual hurt which I feel for me is everchanging and has its ups and downs and can be lessened to a degree.

I had to let go of all my family and all the people i loved, as well as my dreams and plans for life because for me I was somehow controlling them in my head, and clinging to them in fear that they should leave or cease to be. letting go meant letting go of that false control but ultimately it set me free from the stress, the worry and the angst of wanting what I could not get from people who were either unable or unwilling to show me what I felt I needed and who i was powerless over.

for me, the only real validation for my feelings was in therapy, in alanon and from a few of my few but cherished friends.

p.s. pour that soul on out