hopealwayz

I started my night off with several drinks at a local bar (because it was safe since I was an addict not alcohlic "or so my mind told me") but it hand fed me right back to my drug........and I was too drunk to even stop it, I just let it flow.
I have been going to meetings but I need something else. I need the steps, sponsor, more phone numbers,etc.


I got drunk and then got high on drugs. I am feeling very ashamed of myself but I am learning just how the addict/alcoholic label is true for me.

What Lead me to drink? I got angry at my friend for not returning my phone calls all day and when I called him back he said he was playing poker. Very dumb thing to get angry about, but it set me off and then I decided to forget with a few drinks.
But I didn't forget....I just remembered so much more. And then called and left him 2 drunken messages.

Gotta get back up and keep going again. Ever since I started living alone, it is making the urge to use so much more.

If anyone wants to send me a phone number, just in case I need to talk, please feel free. I think I really need to talk to someone so that I do not feel so alone today.

I won't give up!

BSPGirl

Don't beat yourself up over this, please! *hugs* You are so much than an alcoholic/addict, if that makes sense. I could go on and on about this, they've taught me how to deal with slips @ SMART Recovery, heh...

Midas

NOOOOooo! *Picks AngelHugs up, hugs her, then gently sets her back on the water wagon*

At least you're able to disect the events leading up to the relapse. That's good. Now Git to a meetin' pronto.

Little Missy

(((AngelHugs)))

Just pick yourself up, dust off, and get back on the road of recovery!! I slipped after 4 months sober. I had 3 sips of beer during the toast at a wedding. I put it down, cleaned tables, came back and poured it out. I thought it was a miracle. (it kind of was) I learned that it's not how much we drink or what we use that really gets us. It's the thought process before we even pick up!!

Use this as an opportunity to learn. Remember how you feel right now and that can help you from picking up the next time. It is very difficult to deal with emotions. We have been masking them for so long. Little things are enormous to us!!

You're doing the right thing by being honest and seeking help!!
Hugs to you,
Missy

lulu70

Hey darlin'. You are okay. You seem to recognize what took you back out there and I hear you that you won't give up. I truly hope you won't give up because that would mean letting the addiction win. We are all here for you no matter what. And you are right about needing to get a sponsor and start working the steps. IMHO, working the steps is absolutely vital to our recovery. As others have said, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get right back on the recovery wagon. This does not have to mean the end.

Thinking of you and praying for you....

Hang in there.....

Hugs--

roadie58

AngelHugs, I posted on your regular journal. Remember, a drug is a drug is a drug. Replay the event to try to get to the real root cause (probably not the poker), then move forward. Steps and calling do help.

Thanks for sharing your experience with us. Me, I'm about 34 inches away from a drink or drug all the time.

wingsfree

(((((Cheryl)))))) welcome back, you're doing good you know, you're figuring a lot out. You realize WE don't quit...bonus.

Love you angel.........Denise

wantneeda

(((Angelhugs)))
welcome back girl, some don't make it or they die trying to come back.
i agree with Roadie, its probably not the poker, that was just the tip of the iceburg.
When i got out of my first treatment center i got an apartment by myself. Not good for me. Now i'm not saying it won't work for you because we are different people, but we have the same disease. No matter 1 month, i day or 14 months, it lays waiting patiently, cunning, baffling and powerful. Doing pushups while we try to cope with every day life. If i feel myself slipping i gotta work that much harder. This road is not an easy one Angel, you know it, but so worth the fight and effort.
I know you are not a quitter, i have much faith in you.
If i feel i'm not sure where to turn i gotta get into action. Maybe you could offer to make the coffe at your meetings. Go early, stay late and absolutely get some phone numbers, then call someone up to go for coffee.
A friend called me yesterday telling me that she wanted to call her dealer, i felt so bad because i was just on my way to work. But i just tried to talk to her the best i could and suggested the 5:25 meeting.
i called her later from work and she did go to that meeting. I'm so glad. We are headed to church together this morning.
And like myself, i gotta share how i feel when i feel it. I gotta phone someone before i pick up that dreaded first one.
Keep yourself busy Angel, don't beat yourself up. Get to a meeting, and as many as you can. Ask for a temp sponsor for now to get you started on the steps.
Action action action
we love ya no matter what
hugs, Wendy

mike66

Angel, try not to be so hard on yourself. I, like you was a drug addict and not an alcoholic, but as I was in rehab and looking back on my life I realized that although I didnt really abuse alcohol, I almost always took it along for the ride, so alcohol was always there aiding and abetting. I realized , while still in rehab that I could no longer drink alcohol either. I have no problem saying "Hi, Im Mike and I am an addict and alcoholic" .
I agree with everyone, go to meetings, get a temporary sponsor(dont all sponsors start out as temporary sponsors). Try the 5 alive everyday:
1. Pray in the morning
2. Call a fellow recovering alcoholic or addict(or both)
3. Call your sponsor
4. go to a meeting
5. pray before going to bed
I am very proud of you, you got back up and that says alot about you.
Just remember, you only have to stay clean and sober today!!!
Mike

P.S. Here is a letter from your disease
I'm Your Disease

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hate meetings. I hate Higher Power. I hate anyone who has a program. to all who come in contact with me, I wish you death and I wish you suffering.

Allow me to introduce my self, I am the disease of addiction. I am cunning, baffling and powerful. I have killed millions, and I am pleased. I love to catch you with the element of surprise. I love pretending I am your friend and lover. I have given you comfort, have I not? wasn't I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die, didn't you call on me? I was there. I love to make you hurt. I love to make you cry, better yet, I love when I make you so numb you can neither hurt nor cry. You can't feel anything at all. This is true glory to me. I will give you instant gratification and all I ask of you is long-term suffering. I've been there for you always. When things were going right in your life, you invited me in. You said you didn't deserve these good things in your life.

People don't take me seriously. They take strokes, heart attacks, cancer and even diabetes seriously. Fools that they are, they don't know that without my help, these things would not be made possible.

I am such a hated disease, and yet I do not come uninvited. You chose to have me. So many have chosen me over reality and peace.

More than you hate, I hate all of you who have a 12step program. Your program, your meetings, your Higher Power. All weaken me and I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to.

Now I must lay here quietly. You don't see me, but I am growing, bigger than ever. When you only exist, I may live. When you live, I only exist. But I am here....and until we meet again, if we meet again, I wish you death and suffering.
Addiction

CarolD

Honey...this guy is toxic for you.
Dump him and go forward.

It also helps to stay out of bars.

Blessings...

shockozulu

****{Cheryl}}}

I'm proud of you for being so honest with yourself. I'm also proud that you dusted yourself off for another day.

Keep it up my friend. You learned a good lesson...now lets work on some more clean days, eh

jpeace2

I agree with Carol! Sounds like this guy and his constant rejection is a HUGE trigger for you, hon.....best to just walk away. Seriously. Even if he's "only" a friend, what kind of friend craps on a supposed best friend as much as he does you? NOT WORTH IT.

Now....who have you called today and what else nice did you do for yourself?

**********{Angelhugs}}}}}

Change4life

Angel, Please don,t feel ashamed. You shoulf focus more on the fact that you could make it for a month. Just start over,a nd don't look back. You have to learn that we can't change the way other people act we can only change the way we react to them. I used to do the same thing , when I got angry I would want to drink, which always led to drugs. I stop myself now, because I realized I am mad at some one else so why the hell am I beating myself up. I am now also living alone, and it is dangerous for me, I also get the urge to use more. If you are feeling lonely try to find a meeting instead of using. Keep your head up, and don't let people get to you. TAKE IT EASY!!!!!!!

Change4life

Angel hugs it is me again. Is this the same guy that broke plans with you 2 years in a row? The one that you wrote about in your I am so confused posting. If so lose him he is obviously unhealthy for you.

nogard

AngelHugs, lose this guy and focus only on you and your recovery

(((Hugs)))

nogard

roadie58

No guys! To be blunt and quote some of the ladies in my group 'let your fingers do the walkin'

You don't need a man to be complete. Learn to love yourself first and the right guy will come along. Anyone who messes with your sobriety is the ENEMY.

roadie58

oops, wrong thread....

Closure

I sent you a PM, hope you won't hesitate on my offer...!

Catherine W.

Please don't let any kind of shaming messages get to you around this. Shame is what tends to drive a lot of us to drink and/or use, I think. So if there is anything in your life that is making you feel bad, see if you can't take a break or step away from it.

I think maybe this was worth it in that the experience showed you why you tend to resort to unhealthy behavior in order to deal with painful emotions - emotions someone probably taught you to feel ashamed of somewhere along the line.

Please don't put down your reason for being angry. You were angry and there was a reason for it. Maybe you need people in your life who have time to call you rather than gamble. I am not going to assume you don't have good friends, but since I have been examing my life more and wanting to get better all around, I have had to let go of certain types of people that always seem to upset me. So maybe there is validity to your feelings is all I am saying. Maybe they are trying to tell you something.

Or maybe they are simply telling you there is a need to learn how to handle anger better. I am in anger management myself. Drugs and alcohol always make me more emotionally vulnerable to any kind of upset.

I know for me, part of my sobriety is going to have to include reducing vulnerability to slips and relapses.

Catherine