Savana 54

I've about had it! Nothing can seem to go right for very long. After bawling my eyes out last night, over missing my Son, my Mother, and my xabf, I began to wonder WHY is it that everyone that I have loved so very deeply been taken out of my life?

I'm starting to lose faith in my HP and God once again. Al-Anon seems to be nothing but pettiness and gossiping people that argue about the money issues. I can't seem to turn to anyone!!

I woke up this morning to my power being shut off, as I had forgotten to put the power in my name; on top of that I had to pay a deposit. I will get my first check on Thursday, and all of it will go to bills. I wonder sometimes why I even bothered to move to a bigger city. It seems no matter where I go, I struggle. On my days off I cry almost all day; maybe because I have to fake being so happy at work...I dunno..

I just want to be happy. I've started counseling, which is good, but I've been having a hard time retaining what I'm learning.

I just miss my xabf...he was my best friend. Although most of all I miss my son, and have just come to the realization that I won't see him any time soon. I just want all the people back in my life that I can't have back...

I'm getting weak again, and starting to backslide; I'm tired of all of the grieving and hardships. I want to give up altogether...WHY ME????

Minx1969

Savana,

When I'm feeling really crappy and totally into self-pity, my sponsor makes me do a gratitude list..I've been doing one for days now..

So..what are you grateful for?

There is some good in your life..

((((Savanah)))

Cazza

(((Savana))) I understand how you are feeling. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I am feeling similarly right now. I guess just allow yourself to feel it... this too shall pass.

cloudy

Savannah here is a (((GIANT HUG))) for you. I have had many down days, the best way I could describe it one day is just being out in the deep ocean for so long and getting hit by wave after wave and just being completely worn out and sinking after a while. Then I went to Alanon, I almost didn't go I was just too depressed but somehow just before it would've been time to go I changed my mind and I dragged myself out. The lady was talking and said "your hope can be restored" and it just really got me I was glad I went. And before the meeting as soon as someone asked me how I was I'd started to cry and I told them my water metaphor and I told them how I keep going back to this lately and I thought people are probably starting to get sick of it. They said what do you know how long we cried, it's ok and just keep coming back and they hugged me. And then the speaker etc. I did feel better later. I felt bad again but this time I still had that in my head about hope being restored. Hope, faith and joy being restored actually....then I got home and wrote down some things I'd heard and I started thinking to myself how I've got lifesavers I can grab onto and maybe I'd stopped swimming and that I needed to do more for my recovery and remember to reach out more for support.

Hope that helps some but either way.... hug/hang in there

and also the gratitude list, that was another thing i was told, too -and it really does help even if just a little. in these situations i've said it before and i'll say it again. A little bit - is a lot.

cloudy

prodigal

.... and a geographical move doesn't fix things. Same problems, different place. Sounds as if you have had some bad experiences with Al-Anon; however, there ARE good groups out there. I'd suggest you try other meetings. I went to quite a few before I found two groups that really worked for me.

It's natural to grieve the loss of you bf, but keep in perspective that you were dealing with the insanity that went along with his disease as well. Hey, I love my husband, but I have no intention of staying with him for the long haul. That's just my personal choice - everyone has to do what feels right for them. Will I grieve the loss of a man I have truly loved? Absolutely. Will I grieve all the insane situations he put the family through, his consistent inconsistency, his typical A behaviors? Heck, no!!!

cwohio

amen!

escape artist

(((Savana))) did you get the newcomers packet which had the Just For Today? I had to read that every day. you are going through a lot of loss, which means you have lots to grieve, however, remember to take it one day at a time and first things first. even if you do not have a sponsor or go to the al-anon meetings-you can work the steps. and you do have someone with you always- your higher power. just getting to the 1st three will give you more relief and insight than you can possibly imagine. you can find your comfort in your higher power and things will work out for you. the gratitude list helps me greatly as well. hang in there girl--this will get better and you will come out to a better place. do you have any of the daily reader books? they have much wisdom to also help you work through issues you are having. keep posting, and keep looking til you find the al-anon meeting that feels right for you. God Bless You.

candy39

Savana- Ï'm gonna quote some passages out of this book i have called ""The purpose driven life""

WHEN GOD SEEMS DISTANT
Freindships are often tested by seapration and silence. In your friendship with God, you won't always feel close to him. The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of pain, thanking God during a trial, trusting God when tempted, surrendering while suffering, and loving God when he seems distant.

God has promised repeatedly, ""I will never leave you nor forsake you"(Hebrews 13:5), But God has not promised, "Your will always feel my presence." In fact, God admits that sometimes he hides his face from us. There will be times when God appears to be MIA, missing in action, in your life. It's a normal part of the testing and maturing of your friendship with God. Every single Christian goes through it at least once, and usually several times. It's painful adn disconcerting, but it is absolutely vital for the development of your faith.

God's opnipresence and the manifestation of his presence are two different things. One is a fact; the other is often a feeling. God is always present, even when you're unaware of him, and his presence is too profound to be measured by mere emotion. Yes, he wants you to sense his presence, but he's more concerned that you trust him than that you feel him. Faith, not feelings pleases God

When you feel abandoned by God, yet continue to trust him in spite of your feelings, you worship God is the deepest way.

TRANSFORMED BY TROUBLE
God has a purpose behind every problem. You should expect four kinds of problems in life:
Trials-are designed by God to draw us closer to him and build our character.
Temptations- are designed by the Devil to draw us away from God and destroy our character.
Trespasses- are hurts caused by the sins of others
Troubles- are usually, but not always, the consequences of our own sinful choices.

When you face a problem, try to determine the source first. If the trouble is your own fault, you should repent of it. If it is a temptation from Satan, you should resist it. If it is a trespass against you by others you need to release it through forgiveness. But if the problem is a trial from God, you need to relax and trust God in it. Regardless of the source, none of your problems could happen without God's permission. Everything that happens in the life of a child of God is Father-filtered, and he intends to use it for good.

Everything that God allows to happen in your life is permitted for one great, eternal purpose: to conform your character to the image of Christ. It is for your growth and God's glory, and it is a plan guaranteed to succeed. It will be completed when you get to heaven. The Bible says Jesus learned through suffering (Heb 5:8). We grow the same way, and Jesus is our model. We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go trhough the hard times with him , then we are certainly ging to go through the good times with him (Romans 8:17)

I hope this helps to hold on to your faith, whatever it might be

sunshinebluesky

let me say this.......i am not a deeply religous person but i do believe this.

quite a few years ago,i was going thru some very trying times in my life....much like what you are going thru now. at one point i decided that there could not be a God or any HP. i had prayed too much, i was a decent person.....and so how could there be??? i looked up atheism on the net. i declared myself an athesiest. well,nothing got any better, and i dont know how much later it was, could have been the next night...but i was coming home from work,and saw the wierdest lightening with no rain in the sky,that i had ever seen. this was not heat lightening...it was different. now i realize that other people saw this same lightening,but im telling you i,for some reason, took it as a sign. i never went back to the athesiest websites, i started praying again (well,my kind of praying) and i slept with my bible for awhile. it wasnt instantly, but things started improving. and my life though never easy, has never been that low since. now, every time i wonder why God is letting something happen to me, i tell myself that He does not control everything that happens here,as some people think. if He did,so many things would not happen. My personal belief is that a very long time ago, He thought to himself, you people have totally screwed up.....and now you are on your own---------but if you dont have faith,you dont have anything.
i cried myself last night before i went to sleep...again......wondering why about so many things.........but i know i am not the only one crying, i know that i could be crying about worse things, and i know that this is all just that thing we call life. and yes, i do believe some of us have more of a hard time than others....maybe WE are the special ones!!!!!

Savana 54

Thanks for all your kind thoughts. I just can't stop thinking about all the good times we shared, and how I lost my best friend.

It hurts to know he could care less about me or how he has hurt me so much

reikihelps

dear Savanna,

With time, we gain perspective.
I'm sorry you're in pain. There's nothing wrong with allowing yourself time for mourning.
Be gentle with yourself.

candy39

Savana- I think about my AH too a lot and all of the good times we shared and I do think he was my best freind. I also think of how it seems he just don't care about how he hurt me so much. But then I read the sticky about Shattered DReams, Wasted lives, please read. And I realize my addict husband is n't himself any more. He is here in the flesh but his mind isn't. He's sick right now. I have to believe that to keep my sanity. I feel for you because I feel as though I lost my best freind. WE all lose people we love. It's Life. Can't avoid that. WE loose, parents, brothers, sisters, children. Someone will lose you someday. Whats so hard for us Savana I think is... He is still alive but he''s not. It is hard, so hard to accept but when we do, I think we will have better days. You know to know he isn'st doing this on purpose. He is sick.

Savana 54

In the beginning I thought this way as well. But, he says he hasn't been drinking...I know, I know, A's lie. But another thing I always wondered about in the back of my mind, was he really an A? Not that it matters now, but he never drank every day, he just did some really irresponsible things while drinking. I also think about how I was to blame for a lot of things. Some times I was very, very cruel to him. I verbally abused him. I'm no better... For this I feel so guilty. He held me tight when I was missing my son, he was providing partially, financially while I was going to school, as he wanted me to stay focused on my studies. He wasn't controling or abusive, just very distant at times.

pmaslan

Savana.... I hope today is better for you....
You are beating yourself up again. Even if he isn't an A, you have to remember the
reasons why he left. I know you are lonely, I am lonely too. Candy has given you a lot to think about. You can not make someone love you or want you, if he did he would be with you. I know that hurts, but it is reality. I am sorry Alanon isn't what you need it to be. I would try a different meeting before writing it off completely.
Please remember we all have days where we want to throw in the towel. Keep looking ahead, each day will bring you closer to where you need to be. (((Savana)))
Love, Patty

pmaslan

Candy....where is that sticky on shattered dreams and wasted lives????? I don't hink I have seen it yet..................

Girlfriend

((Savana))

What got me sober 11 years ago was the help of God. Only by His Grace am I still here cuz I did some crazy stuff while drinking. He gave me a 2nd chance in life and I'm so grateful.

Alot of people have a problem with God because they can't see Him or feel Him. They don't think He's listening to their prayers. THey're angry with Him for letting their loved ones leave. My favorite saying by Billy Graham is "God is like the wind. We can't see the wind......I've never seen the wind, but I've seen the effect of the wind".

Faith is hard to come by, but when I lost everything in my life, He was all I had left and I took that blind step of faith and hung on for dear life. And, He pulled me through it. Hard times will always come.......that's life. But, we have some One that loves us so much that either He will calm the storm or calm the child.

Your ex can still be an A even if he doesn't drink every day. I didn't drink every day. When my kids were with me, I wouldn't drink. When they'd go to their Dad's........I'd DRINK!!! I've known some A's that can go months without a drink and then binge drink like crazy for weeks. The difference is that when an A drinks, they can't stop at one drink. "One is not enough and a thousand is too many". Their personalities change and intensify.

Some can be "functioning alcoholics" to where they can still get up in the am and go to work and live life like others. BUT, they drink themselves into stupid at night.

You're going through SO many changes, honey, and that's hard. Give yourself time on that. Change is stressful even if it's good. It won't be like this forever. Hang in there.

You're doing great! Do you like your job? Have you made some new friends?

Cazza

I have no doubt that your ex is an alcoholic. Don't let him off the hook by blaming yourself - nobody is perfect all the time, even in healthy relationships. People say and do things when they aren't getting what they need. Just give yourself a break, he is a sick man and it wouldn't have mattered if you were the sweetest martyr of all time, A's will be A's. Not all alcoholics are controlling and physically abusive. Sometimes the distance is abusive in and of itself. So please, don't keep beating yourself up!

Hugs,
Cazza

elizabeth1979

I have had alot of those days. We seem to remember the good times instead of the bad when we are intent on missing someone. Do not make him a martyr. He hurt you, and try and remember that if he was well enough for you, then he would not be distant and he wouldnt make you cry.
Hugs to you, I hope you feel better

walkingtheline

(((Savana)))

It's hard to go forward when you're looking in the rear-view mirror.

I agree with the suggestion of trying other meetings...some are wonderful, some so-so, other just suck! Leave the group that sucks! I would also suggest you force yourself to get out on your days off. Make a pledge to yourself to take a walk or go to the library or do something to heal your spirit.

You can do this! God has NOT left you. You've learned so much-I think your positives and gained knowledge far outweigh your errors! Cut yourself some slack, girl!

We've done it here before and we can do it again-play the Pollyanna game!
No matter how bad things seem to be...we could play the "glad game"-anytime you want.

We're here for you!

Savana 54

Thank you for the wonderful insight!!

Maybe I am letting him off the hook. Maybe it was the both of us in a very sick relationship..Who knows?? Who cares..Doesn't matter anymore. We are apart for good.

I do get out on my days off. Usually to take the dog to the park.

I've meet a few friends at work; one girl asked me if I wanted to go out tonight to sing Karoke. I'm not ready to go out. I don't know if I'm really depressed for not wanting to go, or if I truly am not ready to face those type of situations...?????

I haven't given her an answer yet...What should I say without letting her know what I'm dealing with???