Beautiful

I called a divorce attorney this morning. The past 3 days have been a return to where I spent almost all of my married life -- no drinking but the same pattern of disrespect is coming out of AH. I am financially broke and emotionally ruined. I never expected this when I got married. I wasn't modeled this when I was growing up. I am tired of working long hours to pay for a house that is so financially draining, a husband who won't be financially responsible, and all of it under the guise of "RECOVERY." Recovery doesn't look like this. It doesn't drain the spouse until there's nothing left of her. It is a pattern to LIVE and not a pattern to float through life until you die.

It is a tremendously hard day. I have no idea how to act nor feel. In fact, I am numb. There is more to life than this! I have made the decision to affect change for me and my children. If he decides to come with me there will be NEW RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! His rules suck because they only take into account one person -HIM.

Still numb. I guess I have no more emotion left and it's time for action. I am in one piece but he will have to either sink or swim alone. Maybe if he gets it together some day then there will be a chance. But not now.

I'm starting to cry. I guess I have a bit of me left even though I didn't think it was possible.

ASpouse

No Beautiful, recovery doesn't look like you described! My prayers to you for strength during this hard time, I'm sure it is the right decision for you and your children.

Does he know yet?

Cynay

*hugs*

I feel ya, and you have to take care of you first... and the kids.

It will get better for you, it may be hard now but once the decisions are made and there is action, it will all come together.

You are in my prayers, keep it simple and safe

Beautiful

No. His feelings are that anything he says in his "disease" times should be unemotionally addressed at some later date. He and his ex wife spent years in therapy- together and alone - "unemotionally" addressing issues. I am finished being unemotional. I want to live and be loved. I give to the world and get great things back from it. Except in my house. In my house he lives the way he wishes - some days in recovery and some days like he's been for years - and we are to be okay with it. He just called for some business information. I asked the question, "Is there anything else?" His answer was, "I don't think so."

"That's all I needed to know" was my reply. And it really was all I needed to know. It was the culmination of all of these years beating my head on this wall with only me getting a headache. It's time for me now. If he chooses to do what it's going to take to save this marriage then he'll do something proactive for our family. If not, I will be proactive for me and my children -- MY family.

minnie

(((beautiful)))

You are choosing life. And I think that is a wonderful thing. He can choose to live whatever way he likes, but you don't have to live the same way.

I am proud of you for taking this step towards what you want.

walkingtheline

Take a deep breath. Now, release it slowly. Do it again.

(((Beautiful)))

You have taken a big step...a necessary one, but not one that's pleasant.

Times of great stress require great self-care. Do what you need to do to maintain your health and that of your children. PLAN some relaxing activity.
Eat well. Get enough sleep, even if it requres some melatonin or something.
Know that having a peaceful home is worth all the effort.

Slowly, this WILL get easier and you can always vent at us!

Beautiful

He just called for business again. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.....I open my mouth to speak and he talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

Don't listen -- just talk. I give up. Life is more than this.

herewegoagain

I'm sorry you're going through this. Ending a relationship is always painful and takes some grieving - even (and maybe especially) if it's the right thing to do.

Girlfriend

There you go! That's an awesome start and I think once we get to that point, it's uphill from there. Some bumps in the road, but keep climbin'!!!

cwohio

beautiful - must be something in the air lately - i am to my breaking point too! please know that i am praying for you and your kids peace of mind .

hugs - christie

reader

I'm hearing alot lately about their soberity being a big dissappointment. It seems like alot of us thought that many of their character flaws were due to the alcoholism. Yet they stop drinking and there still there. I know my husbands are. I've just been focusing on my recovery, thats the only thing we can control. Kerry

Beautiful

I told him earlier that I couldn't discuss this with him right now. He said he understood -- that when "you can speak calmly and unemotionally then we will discuss this." It was like a scene out of a kid's movie -- the one that the parent is controlling the child's expressions because they are throwing things. I wasn't throwing things, I wasn't yelling, and I WASN'T BEING HEARD!

His alcoholism took me through the depths of hell that I never even imagined existed. His "recovery" has taken me through the depths of hell that his alcoholism never imagined.

ASpouse

Sobriety is not a big disappointment. Sometimes the sober person is truly not someone we like. Alcohol masks a lot of stuff .... possibly why most people start drinking in the first place.

Cynay

VERY good point Judy... I had not thought of it like that.... but that makes alot of sense

Beautiful

Blows me away that I wouldn't like him if he was sober -- BUT I fell in love with him when he WAS sober. He was a fantastic man! Since our marriage (our mimic of his parents' and first wife's) it's been a train wreck. "He's hurting" is what I hear from the counselor..............He's beating me up emotionally -- I'm sure his MOUTH hurts!

Good grief, I'm off to make a plan of attack............for me and my future........and the future of the two beautiful babies I brought into this world..........

ASpouse

Oh .... well I guess the lesson is you can't mimic someone elses marriage and who would want to mimic an ex-wife's marriage anyway?

Savana 54

Yes, I agree great point! I know after xabf got sober; about a year later it was hell living with him!Maybe he wasn't working the steps at that time, I dunno what happened??

Jazzman

Beautiful - I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, however, if it's time, you would be the one to know. Trust your gut. You will need all the support you can get from your friends... I have been through one uncontested divorce and currently going through a contested divorce. I just heard from my Lawyer yesterday and she wants to know when she can depose my soon to be x, (in my case that would be a waste of time). I'm telling you, most Lawyers have to be carefully managed or they will try to run up the bills even if it's a waste of time and money. I once told my Lawyer that I must be a frustrating client because I refuse to let her take control of all the decisions.

Beautiful

My lawyer - he's a mean SOB in court. He'll cut your throat and wave the kleenex just out of reach. I spoke to him about wanting myself protected and not wishing to make it an ugly drawn out thing. Our twins are only 2.

Today AH is back to "normal" if there is such a thing. Too little, too late. He called me this afternoon for business and talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Finally, I said, "Why did you call me for my opinion if you really don't want it?" A few minutes later I said, "If you called to talk then talk. If you called for my opinion then you need to listen to what it is." A few minutes later I say, "I look forward to the day when you listen instead of talking nonstop. That is communication. I have to go. Goodbye."

Two hours later he calls and it's worked out the way I had it set up to begin with. Half of me is glad he didn't put us at risk (this is new) and half of me is glad that he called versus just complying with this client Bozo (this is new). Half of me is dumbfounded that he would even entertain such a ridiculous client request (maybe throw in a new car with that gold brick - FREE) . That makes 3 halves -- hmmmm....seems my math isn't very well today.

On a brighter note, I have begun making my 10 year plan. It could include him should he start AGGRESSIVELY working his program but it doesn't need to. I will survive without him and probably, although initially poor in finances, will be rich in money and spirit within a very short time. That's the gold lining in my cow pile purse.

Thanks for all of your support. I really need you now as I begin sorting through this.

Beautiful

So true. *Sigh*