Thoughts on Interventions...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 48
Thoughts on Interventions...
We've been discussing the possibility of an intervention on EX...his family, friends and my Therapist. My therapist even has a place where she will have him go at no expense because she volunteers there.
While I will be a willing party to sit in on any discussion with them...is it wrong of me to think that it just won't work. I don't see him as ready...are you ever ready? I think he is quite happy in his new drunken lifestyle.
I'd like to hear from any or all who have ever done one. What were the results?
While I will be a willing party to sit in on any discussion with them...is it wrong of me to think that it just won't work. I don't see him as ready...are you ever ready? I think he is quite happy in his new drunken lifestyle.
I'd like to hear from any or all who have ever done one. What were the results?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 18
We didn't do an intervention as such, but were prepared to if needed.
Our situation is a little different from the typical (if there is such a thing) as we never had any of the drama with my A BF's drinking. He just sat at home and drank, no problems with the law, or with money, no fights. He just sat at home and drank. No one knew (including me) how much. We all had our suspiscions but no one said a word. Then it became real obvious that his health was in danger. ( I was dreading the day that he ended up in the hospital and had to tell his family about my suspiscions, because I didn't know at the time that they had the same ones. And since we are not married I wasn't sure what my rights were to get involved with his medical care.).
At Thanksgiving his sister took me aside and told me they were worried about him and understood if I felt uncomfortable talking about it, but did I think he had a drinking problem? That was when the doors opened.
The next couple of weeks were spent (unknowing to my BF) with his family trying to decide what to do, how to approach him, where he could go, etc.
Finally his parents decided they would just express to him their concern and they were willing to help him get help. It was just that easy. He admitted with no hesitation there was a problem, he needed help and was willing to do or go anywhere.
I think he was so lost in it he didn;t know what to do or how to do it. (He had apparently called a local out patient service and they told him if he could go 3 days without a drink they would work with him. Of course, he couldn't go 12 hours, so I think he thought it was a lost cause).
Jan 3 he went to a rehab center for 40 days and has been sober ever since.
I don't know what your situation is. We were prepared for an intervention if needed but it didn't come to that, thank goodness.
Our situation is a little different from the typical (if there is such a thing) as we never had any of the drama with my A BF's drinking. He just sat at home and drank, no problems with the law, or with money, no fights. He just sat at home and drank. No one knew (including me) how much. We all had our suspiscions but no one said a word. Then it became real obvious that his health was in danger. ( I was dreading the day that he ended up in the hospital and had to tell his family about my suspiscions, because I didn't know at the time that they had the same ones. And since we are not married I wasn't sure what my rights were to get involved with his medical care.).
At Thanksgiving his sister took me aside and told me they were worried about him and understood if I felt uncomfortable talking about it, but did I think he had a drinking problem? That was when the doors opened.
The next couple of weeks were spent (unknowing to my BF) with his family trying to decide what to do, how to approach him, where he could go, etc.
Finally his parents decided they would just express to him their concern and they were willing to help him get help. It was just that easy. He admitted with no hesitation there was a problem, he needed help and was willing to do or go anywhere.
I think he was so lost in it he didn;t know what to do or how to do it. (He had apparently called a local out patient service and they told him if he could go 3 days without a drink they would work with him. Of course, he couldn't go 12 hours, so I think he thought it was a lost cause).
Jan 3 he went to a rehab center for 40 days and has been sober ever since.
I don't know what your situation is. We were prepared for an intervention if needed but it didn't come to that, thank goodness.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
It may not work. IMO, the people involved to do the intervention need to be very strong, determined, and well trained in this.
If even one backs off and that one would go back to enableing then what??
If even one backs off and that one would go back to enableing then what??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 48
That's the problem in this case. Everyone involved on the outside is strong enough to be able to do it. We have my Therapist and she actually specializes in interventions, addiction counseling etc. That's why I found her. However, the OW is also an alcoholic and that's why EX is very happy now because they can drink all day long now. That is why I don't think it would work at this point in time. I think he needs to be there a bit longer with her and realize that while he's drunk 24/7 the world around him has continued without him. They have no money, barely have a roof over their head but as long as there is beer for them both, they are happy. I just think we all need to detach as his family and I have.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi Lisa!
I'm not sure it'd work right now. Only because he does have the OW and they enable each other. As long as she's in his life.... what does he care what ya'all think of him?
When she's out of the picture (which could be soon, if the $$ is going), and he's hitting even rougher times, he maybe would be more open to an intervention then.
It's hard cuz I've seen some work, some not work. The ones that are the most down and out in their lives and have alienated most people are the ones that seem to be more responsive.
Good luck! How are you holding up?
I'm not sure it'd work right now. Only because he does have the OW and they enable each other. As long as she's in his life.... what does he care what ya'all think of him?
When she's out of the picture (which could be soon, if the $$ is going), and he's hitting even rougher times, he maybe would be more open to an intervention then.
It's hard cuz I've seen some work, some not work. The ones that are the most down and out in their lives and have alienated most people are the ones that seem to be more responsive.
Good luck! How are you holding up?
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((SS)))
What I see here is that maybe you deep down inside still want to remain a part of his life otherwise you would not be speaking to his family and your counselor about having and intervention for him...
I am surprized that your therapist would even support it. Your therapist is supposed to be helping you move forward....
What I see here is that maybe you deep down inside still want to remain a part of his life otherwise you would not be speaking to his family and your counselor about having and intervention for him...
I am surprized that your therapist would even support it. Your therapist is supposed to be helping you move forward....
too much on my plate!!
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by splendra
(((SS)))
What I see here is that maybe you deep down inside still want to remain a part of his life otherwise you would not be speaking to his family and your counselor about having and intervention for him...
I am surprized that your therapist would even support it. Your therapist is supposed to be helping you move forward....
What I see here is that maybe you deep down inside still want to remain a part of his life otherwise you would not be speaking to his family and your counselor about having and intervention for him...
I am surprized that your therapist would even support it. Your therapist is supposed to be helping you move forward....
I'm also surprised your Counselor is supporting this idea. Getting involved with an intervention is sort of keeping you tied to him and the insanity.
Usually it's very close family and friends involved in one; not so much an xgf.
Try to focus on YOU! I know it's so very hard, I struggle with this too.
Hugs,
Savana
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by saintintx
We didn't do an intervention as such, but were prepared to if needed.
Our situation is a little different from the typical (if there is such a thing) as we never had any of the drama with my A BF's drinking. He just sat at home and drank, no problems with the law, or with money, no fights. He just sat at home and drank. No one knew (including me) how much. We all had our suspiscions but no one said a word. Then it became real obvious that his health was in danger. ( I was dreading the day that he ended up in the hospital and had to tell his family about my suspiscions, because I didn't know at the time that they had the same ones. And since we are not married I wasn't sure what my rights were to get involved with his medical care.).
At Thanksgiving his sister took me aside and told me they were worried about him and understood if I felt uncomfortable talking about it, but did I think he had a drinking problem? That was when the doors opened.
The next couple of weeks were spent (unknowing to my BF) with his family trying to decide what to do, how to approach him, where he could go, etc.
Finally his parents decided they would just express to him their concern and they were willing to help him get help. It was just that easy. He admitted with no hesitation there was a problem, he needed help and was willing to do or go anywhere.
I think he was so lost in it he didn;t know what to do or how to do it. (He had apparently called a local out patient service and they told him if he could go 3 days without a drink they would work with him. Of course, he couldn't go 12 hours, so I think he thought it was a lost cause).
Jan 3 he went to a rehab center for 40 days and has been sober ever since.
I don't know what your situation is. We were prepared for an intervention if needed but it didn't come to that, thank goodness.
Our situation is a little different from the typical (if there is such a thing) as we never had any of the drama with my A BF's drinking. He just sat at home and drank, no problems with the law, or with money, no fights. He just sat at home and drank. No one knew (including me) how much. We all had our suspiscions but no one said a word. Then it became real obvious that his health was in danger. ( I was dreading the day that he ended up in the hospital and had to tell his family about my suspiscions, because I didn't know at the time that they had the same ones. And since we are not married I wasn't sure what my rights were to get involved with his medical care.).
At Thanksgiving his sister took me aside and told me they were worried about him and understood if I felt uncomfortable talking about it, but did I think he had a drinking problem? That was when the doors opened.
The next couple of weeks were spent (unknowing to my BF) with his family trying to decide what to do, how to approach him, where he could go, etc.
Finally his parents decided they would just express to him their concern and they were willing to help him get help. It was just that easy. He admitted with no hesitation there was a problem, he needed help and was willing to do or go anywhere.
I think he was so lost in it he didn;t know what to do or how to do it. (He had apparently called a local out patient service and they told him if he could go 3 days without a drink they would work with him. Of course, he couldn't go 12 hours, so I think he thought it was a lost cause).
Jan 3 he went to a rehab center for 40 days and has been sober ever since.
I don't know what your situation is. We were prepared for an intervention if needed but it didn't come to that, thank goodness.
WOW! I am so glad for you all. My A/H had drinking pattern similar to that except he was getting very hostile and verbally abuse at times ; mainly to my son and me (minimally to daughter).(not many of the "natural problems that stop a lot of A's) Turns out not only is his father most likely and A; he is a retired MD who was at one time addicted to intervenous pain meds and had 2 rounds of methadone treatment to go with it. I just found this out by questioning FIL...after 30yrs with this family! (midlife crisis, he called it) HIS father was an A; but my A/H never heard that,etither. Just an uncle was "suspected"...yes, he fell down a flight of stairs and broke his back (drunk) a few years back................Only his mother would have gotten involved, but she is dead. No one on husband's family wanted to say anything because they live out of town and don't want to get involved in marital problems or make him angry. Of course this was after A/H's doctor recommended it....oh,well.
Also husband was boss at work;owned company, and had moved to his own place to avoid the "stress" (his family) that "makes him drink".
We did have a professional interventionist come down; I got the nerve up to tell my family members the deal, and the preparation was very helpful to the kids,esp (16 and 22). Husband denied problem and turned down help.............filed for divorce (but he probably would have anyway........still in limbo)...on a good note; sister ended up in trouble at work for drinking, so we already had a good start on that round......she went to treatment, came home, no aftercare, relapsed, but is now 3months sober...working a program and finishing intensive outpatient program........so; it was not a total loss!
at least it got the whole thing out into the open, so I have more support.
who knows.........maybe it is "working" for him;just not on my time-table...I hope so!
I guess in a sense, you could say I partly did it for myself.....to know I had at least tried. I didn't see that there was much to loose; and there was a chance he might decide on treatment. Good luck, whatever you decide.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
I think your therapist should be encouraging you to get away from him.
By you being involved in an intervention it seems you are still hoping to have him back in your life.
If he's not ready and it doesn't sound like he is it won't work anyways.
Focus on you.
Ngaire
By you being involved in an intervention it seems you are still hoping to have him back in your life.
If he's not ready and it doesn't sound like he is it won't work anyways.
Focus on you.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
You know the old saying 'You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink'? (no pun intended!).
Well, my years working with horses taught me sticking their nose in the water don't work either!
I've never had any experience re interventions but what I've read about them they seem aversive and to have a very uneven balance of power - both things which I think are risky and less productive than respectfulness and equality.
Well, my years working with horses taught me sticking their nose in the water don't work either!
I've never had any experience re interventions but what I've read about them they seem aversive and to have a very uneven balance of power - both things which I think are risky and less productive than respectfulness and equality.
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