I had a terrible day today
You're never alone!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,191
I had a terrible day today
Hi, gosh, when I got up this am (or afternoon I mean anyway) I got a phone call first thing from my dad. He was ripping me apart, like he always does. He always says things that mean I am worthless, and I am a mess, and everything I do, I screw up...
Well, that was a terrible way to first wake up (heck, it's a bad thing no matter what time it is) to. He really messed with my head. I began to cry after I hung up, and I cried all day and into tonight.
I had dual diagnosis group, and I also had an appt. to see my drug and alcohol counselor and also my celebrate recovery group , all today. Well what a mess I was. I cried through my who hour appt. with my counselor, and in group I started to cry,and I asked them to just leave me for today, I really did not want to talk today. I also cried at the recovery meeting tonight.
I don't think I have ever felt SO LOW in my life. I felt like I had this dark horrible cloud over me, or liek I was in this big fog, and I felt like nothing was like, reality today. I just felt disconnected from the world today.. It was very strange. I felt SO LOW!!
I can't really even describe the feeling really... The best I can do is everything was just very DARK.. Anythin could have happened to me today, and I don't think I woyuld have cared.
I feel a bit better tonight, although still some lingering feelings, and depression.
I just know that I don't EVER want to feel that bad again. NEVER...
Such a terrible depression. Does anyone understand what I am saying. Being so low, you just don't care about anything, and everything you do, even moving, even sitting is a chore???
I have been fighting this horrible depression for the last week or so, and it just keeps getting worse, I feel like I am afraid to get up tomorrow... Who knows how I will feel.?? But I'm afraid..
When I get that bad, I just wantt o go to bed, and cover my head and do nothing and see no one...
Please tell me you have felt that bad before. I am so tired of it..
Love, Becky
Well, that was a terrible way to first wake up (heck, it's a bad thing no matter what time it is) to. He really messed with my head. I began to cry after I hung up, and I cried all day and into tonight.
I had dual diagnosis group, and I also had an appt. to see my drug and alcohol counselor and also my celebrate recovery group , all today. Well what a mess I was. I cried through my who hour appt. with my counselor, and in group I started to cry,and I asked them to just leave me for today, I really did not want to talk today. I also cried at the recovery meeting tonight.
I don't think I have ever felt SO LOW in my life. I felt like I had this dark horrible cloud over me, or liek I was in this big fog, and I felt like nothing was like, reality today. I just felt disconnected from the world today.. It was very strange. I felt SO LOW!!
I can't really even describe the feeling really... The best I can do is everything was just very DARK.. Anythin could have happened to me today, and I don't think I woyuld have cared.
I feel a bit better tonight, although still some lingering feelings, and depression.
I just know that I don't EVER want to feel that bad again. NEVER...
Such a terrible depression. Does anyone understand what I am saying. Being so low, you just don't care about anything, and everything you do, even moving, even sitting is a chore???
I have been fighting this horrible depression for the last week or so, and it just keeps getting worse, I feel like I am afraid to get up tomorrow... Who knows how I will feel.?? But I'm afraid..
When I get that bad, I just wantt o go to bed, and cover my head and do nothing and see no one...
Please tell me you have felt that bad before. I am so tired of it..
Love, Becky
Say cheese!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,379
hope you feel better soon angel.. sry never posted ealier...
totaly understand what your going through.
i find its not too bad staying in bed. i somtimes just like to fade away in my bed and not think.. thats when my brain isnt on the go from morning and night.
totaly understand what your going through.
i find its not too bad staying in bed. i somtimes just like to fade away in my bed and not think.. thats when my brain isnt on the go from morning and night.
You're never alone!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,191
Hey Erratic. thanks for the words I needed to hear. I don't wish any of this craziness on anyone, but it feels good that someone else has felt the same.
We are all ok...
Laying in bed might be good, but I fear not ever getting back out. Escaping to my safe place, my bed..
Thanks again,
Love, Becky
We are all ok...Laying in bed might be good, but I fear not ever getting back out. Escaping to my safe place, my bed..
Thanks again,
Love, Becky
Say cheese!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,379
there will come a time when you feel your ready angel... just stop beating up on yourself about it..that just make things harder.
also maybe keeping out of touch with your dad may be a good idea.. i stopped talking to my buggerd up family last nov. im now just getting to a point that i may be able to live with out them..
are you on any medication? might help with the depression. you just need a little boost and stop listening to your dad
take care
E
just stop beating up on yourself about it..that just make things harder.also maybe keeping out of touch with your dad may be a good idea.. i stopped talking to my buggerd up family last nov. im now just getting to a point that i may be able to live with out them..
are you on any medication? might help with the depression. you just need a little boost and stop listening to your dad
take care
E
You're never alone!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,191
Erratic
Thanks much. I did finally get some sleep. I am on Amitriptyline for my depression, and have been on it for a couple weeks, but so far it hasn't helped any. I know sometimes they take longer and I am only taking half the pill, which is 25mgs. I was freaking out at a higher dose, and my doctor knows I am at that dose, and I was only at 1/4 of the pill, until recently I was able to up it to 1/2. My doc. knows all of this.
Thanks much for the support though,. I know I need to avoid my dad, because his words hurt. It is hard though. I have listened to him my whole life, and it's my dad, a hard person to lose. I lost my mom 10 years ag last week, she was only 46. When she was around, I didn't listen as much to him, I just was angry with him all the time, because of the things he says. I had my moms love, and she and I were very close.
I know I should be able to grow up a bit, my dads words should not hurt so, but they do.
I will keen praying... Thanks again, E.
Love, Becky
Thanks much. I did finally get some sleep. I am on Amitriptyline for my depression, and have been on it for a couple weeks, but so far it hasn't helped any. I know sometimes they take longer and I am only taking half the pill, which is 25mgs. I was freaking out at a higher dose, and my doctor knows I am at that dose, and I was only at 1/4 of the pill, until recently I was able to up it to 1/2. My doc. knows all of this.
Thanks much for the support though,. I know I need to avoid my dad, because his words hurt. It is hard though. I have listened to him my whole life, and it's my dad, a hard person to lose. I lost my mom 10 years ag last week, she was only 46. When she was around, I didn't listen as much to him, I just was angry with him all the time, because of the things he says. I had my moms love, and she and I were very close.
I know I should be able to grow up a bit, my dads words should not hurt so, but they do.
I will keen praying... Thanks again, E.
Love, Becky
Say cheese!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,379
no i totaly understand that angel.. i just gave up my parents not long ago it took me 33 years to do it..
good your on medication are you getting any therapy for what you have gone through?
therapy might help you aswell as the medication.. from what your saying about your dad i think from the past in what he says to you is like emotional abuse, my mum was very good at that..
take care angel...
good your on medication are you getting any therapy for what you have gone through?
therapy might help you aswell as the medication.. from what your saying about your dad i think from the past in what he says to you is like emotional abuse, my mum was very good at that..
take care angel...
You're never alone!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,191
Thanks so much, katie and erractic. I appreciate your kind words...
I am attending a dual diagnosis group. I am also have an appt to begin therapy. I really need t do that. I want to feel good., I'm sure most of everyone does
Hope all is well with you....
Love, Becky
I am attending a dual diagnosis group. I am also have an appt to begin therapy. I really need t do that. I want to feel good., I'm sure most of everyone does
Hope all is well with you....
Love, Becky
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 1,019
Becky,
First and foremost I am glad to hear you have a support network around you. Next, you need to make a decision to take back control of YOUR life from your father. You gave him all of the power when you talked to him on the phone. You let him tear you down. You have the ability to step away from that and not let him ruin your day. You can't change how he wants to act, but you can change how you react to it, and how you let/don't let it effect you.
-pedagogue
First and foremost I am glad to hear you have a support network around you. Next, you need to make a decision to take back control of YOUR life from your father. You gave him all of the power when you talked to him on the phone. You let him tear you down. You have the ability to step away from that and not let him ruin your day. You can't change how he wants to act, but you can change how you react to it, and how you let/don't let it effect you.
-pedagogue
You're never alone!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,191
Hey all, thanks for the advice, and kind words.
Ped, I really do understand that I allow him to do this to me. I just don't know how to stop. I also know I have spent my whole life both fearing, and attempting to gain my fathers approval. I know it's a terrible thing, I don't want to, but I have lost my mom, 10 years ago, and we had a REALLY complicated life growing up, I know that is not unusual for anyone here, I'm quite sure all of us have had a messed up childhood, but I just haven't been able to break away from mine. I loved my mom more than almost everything in my life, she spent alot of my childhood in and out of the psych ward, and my father was EXTREMELY controlling. I lost my mom, when I lost my mom, my family that was very close knit, seemed to fall apart, and I feel I have lost so many, along with my mom. I was always losing my mom growing up to the psych ward, but yet she was like a child EVERYONE loved. I believe her leaving to go to the hospital all my life has had the biggest effect on my life.
Anyway, I fear losing my father, I really do, I love him, yet I wish he's just say, and really mean that I am a good person, and I do good things. I fear so much something happening to him, I get sick thinking of it, I don't know, he is mean to me, and sometimes nice, but never does he believe I have done good at anything in my life.
I honestly can not say he is mean all the time, but always has a tone with me, and most of the time, something critical to say. When he comes over to my house, I fear him looking around, shaking his head..
I know I went on a bit here, I just wanted you to understand, well, understand what I really don't understand, or maybe I am just afraid of the truth, that I would be better off maybe without him in my life??? I just don't think I can do that.
Thanks for listening to me, I know I as just rambling...
Love, Becky
Ped, I really do understand that I allow him to do this to me. I just don't know how to stop. I also know I have spent my whole life both fearing, and attempting to gain my fathers approval. I know it's a terrible thing, I don't want to, but I have lost my mom, 10 years ago, and we had a REALLY complicated life growing up, I know that is not unusual for anyone here, I'm quite sure all of us have had a messed up childhood, but I just haven't been able to break away from mine. I loved my mom more than almost everything in my life, she spent alot of my childhood in and out of the psych ward, and my father was EXTREMELY controlling. I lost my mom, when I lost my mom, my family that was very close knit, seemed to fall apart, and I feel I have lost so many, along with my mom. I was always losing my mom growing up to the psych ward, but yet she was like a child EVERYONE loved. I believe her leaving to go to the hospital all my life has had the biggest effect on my life.
Anyway, I fear losing my father, I really do, I love him, yet I wish he's just say, and really mean that I am a good person, and I do good things. I fear so much something happening to him, I get sick thinking of it, I don't know, he is mean to me, and sometimes nice, but never does he believe I have done good at anything in my life.
I honestly can not say he is mean all the time, but always has a tone with me, and most of the time, something critical to say. When he comes over to my house, I fear him looking around, shaking his head..
I know I went on a bit here, I just wanted you to understand, well, understand what I really don't understand, or maybe I am just afraid of the truth, that I would be better off maybe without him in my life??? I just don't think I can do that.
Thanks for listening to me, I know I as just rambling...
Love, Becky
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Indiana
Posts: 170
Becky,
I don't know if this will help in your case or not but it helped me. A friend once said to me. "God won't give you anything you can't handle, without first giveing you a friend to help you through it."
Vent ,ramble on, cry. Whatever it takes to release those feelings. That's what friends are for. Continued prayers for you.
Katie
I don't know if this will help in your case or not but it helped me. A friend once said to me. "God won't give you anything you can't handle, without first giveing you a friend to help you through it."
Vent ,ramble on, cry. Whatever it takes to release those feelings. That's what friends are for. Continued prayers for you.
Katie
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