fridays suck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
fridays suck
well it's friday morning and let my churning begin. i wonder if my husband craves his drugs and booze as much as i crave the knowledge of what today will hold. i can't seem to get away from myself. my heart is racing, my anxiety level is so high i feel like i have a team of suma-wrestlers sitting on it. my head is pounding and my body is shaking. i probably look like a strung out junkie to my kids.
can you guys tell me where this stuff comes from. 2 days ago i thought i was making little snail tracks towards recovery. today i feel like i'm sicker than i've ever been.
why do i project?? to prepare for the worst?
some days i think they should just lock me up !
i'll give you a little background on my own personal dance.
my husband binges in 6-8 week cycles. i sometimes think it's manic episodes, but he is so in denial he never even looks at the time frames. but i sure do. today is 6 weeks from the last one and i think i'm feeling nauseous from the dread. i can't seem to pray, i lose my focus in tears and hopelessness. i've been trying to live at alanon meetings this week.
fridays are the day that he goes off the wagon. fridays are also the day that i work. i work in a restaurant and it happens to be the busiest day of the week. we started the game last night. the money game. all of a sudden he needs 50 dollars. i make his lunch, he brings his coffee, he charges his gas and usually has 20 or so in his pocket. in june in a moment of remorse after he drained the checking account and bouced the mortgage and car insurance payments he told me to not let him have money, because he can't be trusted not to buy a bag of pot and a 1/2 of coke and drink till they throw him out in his scuzzy bar in the ghetto of the city. i can't imagine having someone tell me i can't have some of the money i earn, plus when he gets juiced up he comes gunning for me. i go from the responsible, good woman that he loves to the manipulating b### and c### that withholds his money. i just can't process these insane thoughts and messages that he sends. i don't know what to do with myself.
i know that the past is over, but i still remember the calls at work from the kids!"mom, where's dad", my coach is mad, everybody else has been picked up but me, mom, can you leave work for the millionth time and pick me up. mom, why is dad such a jerk?
i've sent customers at work to pick up my kids, i've gotten angry and crying calls from my kids,i've spent hours trying to stay awake while he was drinking, just to see what this binge holds. broken doors, broken furniture, broken hearts!
iknow what i have to do now if it happens again, call the police, and try and protect my kids, my 80 year-old mom with advanced dementia that walks real slow on a good day. i guess i need to write this out and let it lose some of it's obsessive power on me. i just don''t understand my own inability to let this go and not let it rule my day. i've been chanting let go and let god, i've trying to pray for surrender from my will, is there something the matter with me. i'm crazy, scared, projecting, waiting for the ball to drop, and the expalatiiions to begin, how do i get away from this personal destructions? for all i know, everything will be fine! even though he's been real aggresive, sarcastic, and cocky with me. am i living his emotions or mine? i'm so confused, and i can't go on. am i setting up the dance again, am i punishing him for not seeking aa recovery and being on a dry drunk? am i reacting in a proper way , something i've never done? well, i'm reaching out and i know u guys will probably guide me to a saner place. help!! sorry i'm so needy today, maybe it's a pity party. i just haven't got a clue what i'm doing to myself!! i'm too tired to edit this post for spelling sorry!! hugs from rubber room sugar
can you guys tell me where this stuff comes from. 2 days ago i thought i was making little snail tracks towards recovery. today i feel like i'm sicker than i've ever been.
why do i project?? to prepare for the worst?
some days i think they should just lock me up !
i'll give you a little background on my own personal dance.
my husband binges in 6-8 week cycles. i sometimes think it's manic episodes, but he is so in denial he never even looks at the time frames. but i sure do. today is 6 weeks from the last one and i think i'm feeling nauseous from the dread. i can't seem to pray, i lose my focus in tears and hopelessness. i've been trying to live at alanon meetings this week.
fridays are the day that he goes off the wagon. fridays are also the day that i work. i work in a restaurant and it happens to be the busiest day of the week. we started the game last night. the money game. all of a sudden he needs 50 dollars. i make his lunch, he brings his coffee, he charges his gas and usually has 20 or so in his pocket. in june in a moment of remorse after he drained the checking account and bouced the mortgage and car insurance payments he told me to not let him have money, because he can't be trusted not to buy a bag of pot and a 1/2 of coke and drink till they throw him out in his scuzzy bar in the ghetto of the city. i can't imagine having someone tell me i can't have some of the money i earn, plus when he gets juiced up he comes gunning for me. i go from the responsible, good woman that he loves to the manipulating b### and c### that withholds his money. i just can't process these insane thoughts and messages that he sends. i don't know what to do with myself.
i know that the past is over, but i still remember the calls at work from the kids!"mom, where's dad", my coach is mad, everybody else has been picked up but me, mom, can you leave work for the millionth time and pick me up. mom, why is dad such a jerk?
i've sent customers at work to pick up my kids, i've gotten angry and crying calls from my kids,i've spent hours trying to stay awake while he was drinking, just to see what this binge holds. broken doors, broken furniture, broken hearts!
iknow what i have to do now if it happens again, call the police, and try and protect my kids, my 80 year-old mom with advanced dementia that walks real slow on a good day. i guess i need to write this out and let it lose some of it's obsessive power on me. i just don''t understand my own inability to let this go and not let it rule my day. i've been chanting let go and let god, i've trying to pray for surrender from my will, is there something the matter with me. i'm crazy, scared, projecting, waiting for the ball to drop, and the expalatiiions to begin, how do i get away from this personal destructions? for all i know, everything will be fine! even though he's been real aggresive, sarcastic, and cocky with me. am i living his emotions or mine? i'm so confused, and i can't go on. am i setting up the dance again, am i punishing him for not seeking aa recovery and being on a dry drunk? am i reacting in a proper way , something i've never done? well, i'm reaching out and i know u guys will probably guide me to a saner place. help!! sorry i'm so needy today, maybe it's a pity party. i just haven't got a clue what i'm doing to myself!! i'm too tired to edit this post for spelling sorry!! hugs from rubber room sugar
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
(((((((((((((Sugar))))))))))))))))
You are not crazy. Anyone in your situation would be struggling with the worries and fears that you describe. I understand perfectly and can relate. I think our recovery goes in waves sometimes - sometimes we make progress and sometimes regress.
When I am obsessing the way you describe and thinking those racing thoughts, it is because I am trying to avoid or control a bad outcome I KNOW is coming. You know the binge is coming and you are preparing for it. This is natural. I always want to avoid the situation I know is coming. Instead of expecting it and getting ready for the pain. Try to tell yourself that you cannot avoid it, but you can plan what to do when it happens.
You see I want to control the outcome not because I am a power hungry b****, but because I want to protect myself and my family from the bad consequences. Somehow you have to accept that it cannot be done, you cannot control this.
I hope this helps some, I am here and praying for you.
You are not crazy. Anyone in your situation would be struggling with the worries and fears that you describe. I understand perfectly and can relate. I think our recovery goes in waves sometimes - sometimes we make progress and sometimes regress.
When I am obsessing the way you describe and thinking those racing thoughts, it is because I am trying to avoid or control a bad outcome I KNOW is coming. You know the binge is coming and you are preparing for it. This is natural. I always want to avoid the situation I know is coming. Instead of expecting it and getting ready for the pain. Try to tell yourself that you cannot avoid it, but you can plan what to do when it happens.
You see I want to control the outcome not because I am a power hungry b****, but because I want to protect myself and my family from the bad consequences. Somehow you have to accept that it cannot be done, you cannot control this.
I hope this helps some, I am here and praying for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
rose it helps! i wish i could see thru my tears to type. i just need to get thru this day. maybe my hp is working thru ur touch today. i have to tell you to not be alone this moment and to be inur thoughts and prayers is like having my mom when she was lucid and my dad when he was alive put thry're arms around me and hug me. ur special
hugs from sugar
hugs from sugar
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Sugar,
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all this go away for you. I agree with Rose. You are only worrying because you are anticipating the bad things that might happen.
I can be the queen of anticipation sometimes. I have kept myself awake most of the night sometimes in worry over what might happen. I know where you are coming from.
Just know that I am praying for you also, that not only will you feel like I'm hugging you, but that your HP has you in his arms also. Sugar, HE won't let you down. He loves you and wants to take that worry from you.
And let me tell you a quote someone shared with me one time, and I KNOW why they shared it with me. Because, afterall, I AM the QUEEN of WORRY!!!!
Mark Twain said, "I've see a lot of hard times in my life, most of which never happened."
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all this go away for you. I agree with Rose. You are only worrying because you are anticipating the bad things that might happen.
I can be the queen of anticipation sometimes. I have kept myself awake most of the night sometimes in worry over what might happen. I know where you are coming from.
Just know that I am praying for you also, that not only will you feel like I'm hugging you, but that your HP has you in his arms also. Sugar, HE won't let you down. He loves you and wants to take that worry from you.
And let me tell you a quote someone shared with me one time, and I KNOW why they shared it with me. Because, afterall, I AM the QUEEN of WORRY!!!!
Mark Twain said, "I've see a lot of hard times in my life, most of which never happened."
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Sugar, MOVE OVER HONEY, cause I failed to mention I AM the QUEEN OF CRAZY, too. I hate to dethrone ya, but if you just ask my family, they will verify what I say is true!!!!
And I give them ALL the credit for they have made me that way. (Gosh, sometimes some good blaming just makes a gal feel better! 
)
Ok, ya'll give me three lashes with a wet noodle for that blaming thing I just did.
And I give them ALL the credit for they have made me that way. (Gosh, sometimes some good blaming just makes a gal feel better! )Ok, ya'll give me three lashes with a wet noodle for that blaming thing I just did.
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
(((sugar)))))
It's the crazy making stuff they do that makes us crazy!! Remember this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful, and in your best day of recovery you are not stronger than this disease.
Try thinking Just For Today. I posted it awhile back and you can find it if you go searching a bit.
"Just for Today, I will try to live thru this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime."
It's so hard to not live in anticipation and dread, but you can take care of yourself and your kids, and have a plan for if things get out of control. Otherwise, what happens happens and you'll be ok
We love you!
Osier59
It's the crazy making stuff they do that makes us crazy!! Remember this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful, and in your best day of recovery you are not stronger than this disease.
Try thinking Just For Today. I posted it awhile back and you can find it if you go searching a bit.
"Just for Today, I will try to live thru this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime."
It's so hard to not live in anticipation and dread, but you can take care of yourself and your kids, and have a plan for if things get out of control. Otherwise, what happens happens and you'll be ok
We love you!
Osier59
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: england
Posts: 47
hang in there
Hey sugar
Ur doing great girl, i can so relate to what ur going thriugh just now, it is really hard, and painfull, but baby steps.
Im also a queen of crazy, i have been all week, but i came and posted on here and got some clarity back , .
Wish i could fly over to u and give u a huge hug[ i could even make u a nice cuppa tea,,,, its a majic formula over here,no matter what the crisis , a cuppa tea is the answer,lolo] i wish it was that simple, but im with u in spirit sugar, ur not alone my mate.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))sugar((((((((((((((((( ((((((((((
)))))))))))))))))all (((((((((((((((
be good to urself , luv ya loads spin
Ur doing great girl, i can so relate to what ur going thriugh just now, it is really hard, and painfull, but baby steps.
Im also a queen of crazy, i have been all week, but i came and posted on here and got some clarity back , .
Wish i could fly over to u and give u a huge hug[ i could even make u a nice cuppa tea,,,, its a majic formula over here,no matter what the crisis , a cuppa tea is the answer,lolo] i wish it was that simple, but im with u in spirit sugar, ur not alone my mate.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))sugar((((((((((((((((( ((((((((((
)))))))))))))))))all (((((((((((((((
be good to urself , luv ya loads spin
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 1
Sugar, he shure sounds like bipolar to me. Sounds a lot like my wife. Hang in there but no when to get out too. There are treatments to help the mood swings but they don't work well with adicts. Good luck this weekend. If he does fall off , it's not your fault.
Member
Join Date: May 2002
Location: San diego, CA, USA
Posts: 86
((((((((((((Sugar.))))))))))))))))
We all been there before... You cannot control what is too come... You can only make decisions as it happens... Make plans (Good plans) about what it is you are going to do if it does happen again... Where will you and the kids go? Will you call the cops? Do what it is you need to do... and only you know what that need is... You will be ok...
Set your boundareis and stick to them... I'm sending many hugs your way...
Cheer up... Take a hot bath... and have a nice cup of Decaff tea... Keep posting... Your friend... Clowie
We all been there before... You cannot control what is too come... You can only make decisions as it happens... Make plans (Good plans) about what it is you are going to do if it does happen again... Where will you and the kids go? Will you call the cops? Do what it is you need to do... and only you know what that need is... You will be ok...
Set your boundareis and stick to them... I'm sending many hugs your way...
Cheer up... Take a hot bath... and have a nice cup of Decaff tea... Keep posting... Your friend... Clowie
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Denton Texas
Posts: 92
Order more tiaras, please
Well it is clear that we can't afford to be dethroned. And here I was thinking I was the queen of crazy. I also add to that list of accomplishments queen of anxiety......
Thats whats so nice about this site, is that we aren't alone. We can relate so well to coping and trying to deal with this cra#$%.
I think we should order 100 more tiaras and wear them with pride!!
Thats whats so nice about this site, is that we aren't alone. We can relate so well to coping and trying to deal with this cra#$%.
I think we should order 100 more tiaras and wear them with pride!!
Fantastic Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 176
****************************{Sugar}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
SORRY GIRLS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>am the anxiety, control queen of all co-dependant things! : ))))))))
Finally...I gave to it .......... and let it go.( still have panic attacks ) BUT...........you have to deceide when you just have had all you can take. I had him, th A, thrown out of the house by court order. I also called the police on him several times too . It was as much as I could handle.
..the A is in rehab now, because he almost died from a seizure from alcohol..he hit bottom, his HP must been awfully kind to him.........but ..............his presence still causes me axiry...I am not sure if that will ever change.
Think all this through, think about your life and family and make a plan. Once you can make a plan....you won't believ how good you will feel
LOve Kitty
SORRY GIRLS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>am the anxiety, control queen of all co-dependant things! : ))))))))
Finally...I gave to it .......... and let it go.( still have panic attacks ) BUT...........you have to deceide when you just have had all you can take. I had him, th A, thrown out of the house by court order. I also called the police on him several times too . It was as much as I could handle.
..the A is in rehab now, because he almost died from a seizure from alcohol..he hit bottom, his HP must been awfully kind to him.........but ..............his presence still causes me axiry...I am not sure if that will ever change.
Think all this through, think about your life and family and make a plan. Once you can make a plan....you won't believ how good you will feel
LOve Kitty
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
(((((((sugar))))))))
I know this feeling oh too well and it is the worst. Sorry you're going through this right now. I usually call my girlfriends and talk their ears off one at a time and cry a lot.
Ha Ha You want to hear crazy? I've got crazy.....Once when my H went on a ski trip with the guys I called one of the other guys wives because I hadn't heard from my H in 5 days and when he left my then 1 yr old had 104 temp. She told me he was using and I was so upset, well she must have told her H because I got a 2 second call that night. He wouldn't talk anymore than that, planned to call right before they were leaving, I asked him to please stay on the phone and talk and I was crying. He hung up on me.
Well, he had been telling me he was going to clean his stuff out of the garage so I can park in it and hadn't done it. That night I literally threw everything on his side of the garage, I'm talking ladders, axes, boxes....threw it and parked my car i n there. It was actually very liberating. The next day I hired a couple guys to come here and make the spare bedroom in the basement into an office/workout room for me and the other part of the basement into a play room for the kids. The night he was coming home I didn't sit and wait, I went to a party my sister was having and got myself a babysitter.
It was right after that that I started alanon.....maybe it wasn't so crazy. I was literally a mad woman though making all these changes for myself in the house, I was on a mission. I was so sick of putting my life on hold waiting for him to do something, or spending my time thinking about him. Anyway that's my story.
Hang in there Sugar we're here
I know this feeling oh too well and it is the worst. Sorry you're going through this right now. I usually call my girlfriends and talk their ears off one at a time and cry a lot.
Ha Ha You want to hear crazy? I've got crazy.....Once when my H went on a ski trip with the guys I called one of the other guys wives because I hadn't heard from my H in 5 days and when he left my then 1 yr old had 104 temp. She told me he was using and I was so upset, well she must have told her H because I got a 2 second call that night. He wouldn't talk anymore than that, planned to call right before they were leaving, I asked him to please stay on the phone and talk and I was crying. He hung up on me.
Well, he had been telling me he was going to clean his stuff out of the garage so I can park in it and hadn't done it. That night I literally threw everything on his side of the garage, I'm talking ladders, axes, boxes....threw it and parked my car i n there. It was actually very liberating. The next day I hired a couple guys to come here and make the spare bedroom in the basement into an office/workout room for me and the other part of the basement into a play room for the kids. The night he was coming home I didn't sit and wait, I went to a party my sister was having and got myself a babysitter.
It was right after that that I started alanon.....maybe it wasn't so crazy. I was literally a mad woman though making all these changes for myself in the house, I was on a mission. I was so sick of putting my life on hold waiting for him to do something, or spending my time thinking about him. Anyway that's my story.
Hang in there Sugar we're here
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