A Great Session W/Therapist
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 48
A Great Session W/Therapist
I had my 3rd session last night. I've come along way in just 3 wks. I don't sound or look desperate anymore, I am thinking clearer about things.
I learned about the grey area. That's where I am right now. And it's okay for me to be in the grey area...she said I may be here for a bit or even a few months. I also learned about what moving on for me was about.
I also learned to stop and think about what I want as a result of my action. Sort of anger management. Which is what got me to where we are today, separated. I had hoped by sending him to our friends house that night we would have both cooled off and he would have had time to think about it. But that is not what happened. Because he was in the state of depression that he has been in the past few months, he flipped and ran away to heal his wounds but instead has been drinking the pain away.
Example: Thursday night, I was upset because I overheard OW introducing herself as his GF. I wanted to pack all his clothes up and drop them off at HER place. His partner told me to chill out...if he really wants them, he can be a man and come get them. But he told her he wasn't going to get them. The therapist said, what did you want to happen by giving him his stuff back. I said, I don't know I was just upset. Well if I didn't have a reason and it wasn't cut and dry and I wasn't willing to live with the ending result and if I still wanted him to come home then I made the smart choice in not doing it. She added, did you really want him to move out that night. Well no...she said then you must learn how to express your feelings better. So next week we will do some role playing...Of course she said this much more profound, but ya'll get the jest of it.
Regarding my No Contact...I am doing fine, he has initiated the contact here the last time. I have to think about what my ulterior motives are by any contact. Example, we used to play darts 3x a week w/friends. Twice as a social gathering and 1 for the tournament. Well since I am weaning myself from a few of our friends, there really is no need for me to go to the social gatherings...but since I do like the tournament, I am there for me. She said I proved that on Thursday one by not enabling him to go by offering to cover him and secondly I still went. Had there been the motive to see him, I would have offered to pay or stayed home when he said he wasn't going.
He's experienced jealousy according to the therapist and IS definitley sending out mixed signals indicating that there is confusion. Both positive signs. We both agreed that the OW is purely a diversion, and that she is definitely enjoying the game of hers against me. The therapist thought it was good that I had told her that I wasn't just going away and that I have stuck to that.
She asked how I felt about the OW...and I tried to explain I know it's not his nature, his drinking more than ever and I think she is just a safe zone for him now...she's really the least of my concern and she truly is not the issue.
She did express to me that by continuing to work on me, there will come a day when either we will be together or I will find that I have outgrown him and will move away from the situation and the grey area will be gone...but you cannot put a time limit on it. Each situation is different with different circumstances. I had read on one of the boards 6 wks was the cut off. She said don't go by time...you'll only start driving yourself crazy as that time approaches and you'll ruin everything you've been working on.
Again, not all her words exactly. I'm going to do some more research on some of the terms she went over with me.
I learned about the grey area. That's where I am right now. And it's okay for me to be in the grey area...she said I may be here for a bit or even a few months. I also learned about what moving on for me was about.
I also learned to stop and think about what I want as a result of my action. Sort of anger management. Which is what got me to where we are today, separated. I had hoped by sending him to our friends house that night we would have both cooled off and he would have had time to think about it. But that is not what happened. Because he was in the state of depression that he has been in the past few months, he flipped and ran away to heal his wounds but instead has been drinking the pain away.
Example: Thursday night, I was upset because I overheard OW introducing herself as his GF. I wanted to pack all his clothes up and drop them off at HER place. His partner told me to chill out...if he really wants them, he can be a man and come get them. But he told her he wasn't going to get them. The therapist said, what did you want to happen by giving him his stuff back. I said, I don't know I was just upset. Well if I didn't have a reason and it wasn't cut and dry and I wasn't willing to live with the ending result and if I still wanted him to come home then I made the smart choice in not doing it. She added, did you really want him to move out that night. Well no...she said then you must learn how to express your feelings better. So next week we will do some role playing...Of course she said this much more profound, but ya'll get the jest of it.
Regarding my No Contact...I am doing fine, he has initiated the contact here the last time. I have to think about what my ulterior motives are by any contact. Example, we used to play darts 3x a week w/friends. Twice as a social gathering and 1 for the tournament. Well since I am weaning myself from a few of our friends, there really is no need for me to go to the social gatherings...but since I do like the tournament, I am there for me. She said I proved that on Thursday one by not enabling him to go by offering to cover him and secondly I still went. Had there been the motive to see him, I would have offered to pay or stayed home when he said he wasn't going.
He's experienced jealousy according to the therapist and IS definitley sending out mixed signals indicating that there is confusion. Both positive signs. We both agreed that the OW is purely a diversion, and that she is definitely enjoying the game of hers against me. The therapist thought it was good that I had told her that I wasn't just going away and that I have stuck to that.
She asked how I felt about the OW...and I tried to explain I know it's not his nature, his drinking more than ever and I think she is just a safe zone for him now...she's really the least of my concern and she truly is not the issue.
She did express to me that by continuing to work on me, there will come a day when either we will be together or I will find that I have outgrown him and will move away from the situation and the grey area will be gone...but you cannot put a time limit on it. Each situation is different with different circumstances. I had read on one of the boards 6 wks was the cut off. She said don't go by time...you'll only start driving yourself crazy as that time approaches and you'll ruin everything you've been working on.
Again, not all her words exactly. I'm going to do some more research on some of the terms she went over with me.
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
We call that in between place "in the hall" and it is an uncomfortable place to be. But one of these days while you are wandering the hall a door will open...or maybe more than one...and you can choose to go through it or remain in the hall for a little longer. It is all up to you and you alone.
JT
JT
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Sexysadie,
We need periods of being in the hall in order to work things through for ourselves. So it's not a negative thing to be where you are now.
It sounds like you are making progress in this.
Ngaire
We need periods of being in the hall in order to work things through for ourselves. So it's not a negative thing to be where you are now.
It sounds like you are making progress in this.
Ngaire
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 48
Yes, I am. I slept 8 hours last night...The first time in a week I had 8 hours of sleep. She taught me some sleeping techniques to try and they worked.
So now I can get back on track about my moving forward in learning about me. I look forward to it. She did say that there was a possibility that eventually I may find that I have outgrown him and I am willing to take that risk.
Healthy people attract healthy people is what she said...how true...look at Him and OW...definitely not healthy. At least I am able to grieve, feel the pain, the loss, the hurt...I am thankful for that.
So now I can get back on track about my moving forward in learning about me. I look forward to it. She did say that there was a possibility that eventually I may find that I have outgrown him and I am willing to take that risk.
Healthy people attract healthy people is what she said...how true...look at Him and OW...definitely not healthy. At least I am able to grieve, feel the pain, the loss, the hurt...I am thankful for that.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 48
LOL!! I cancelled the party...I came to the decision that I really do want to distance myself from the group...sans one person my GF, so why have a house of 20 people over when really I just need a break from all the nonsense.
Plus strange as this sounds (which ya'll know me by now, so it really isn't strange), he should be here. I had considered extending an offer to him without OW, but thought how childish. There again was my ulterior motive, getting the best of me. So I cancelled...it's part of the healing/grieving process.
I of course disappointed "our friend" LOL...and he immediately jumped on me, so are you going to go out with that big bad biker dude instead...(excuse me?). Oh toxic people, go away...definitely glad I cancelled now good grief. He was over at ex's house when I called to cancel the party...so I am not sure who that comment was for. But I said politely, no plans with him, but when I am ready, if I am ready, I do have his number. LOL.
I tell ya....some people amaze me....I think I am going more into NC just for "our friend"...I tell ya!!
Plus strange as this sounds (which ya'll know me by now, so it really isn't strange), he should be here. I had considered extending an offer to him without OW, but thought how childish. There again was my ulterior motive, getting the best of me. So I cancelled...it's part of the healing/grieving process.
I of course disappointed "our friend" LOL...and he immediately jumped on me, so are you going to go out with that big bad biker dude instead...(excuse me?). Oh toxic people, go away...definitely glad I cancelled now good grief. He was over at ex's house when I called to cancel the party...so I am not sure who that comment was for. But I said politely, no plans with him, but when I am ready, if I am ready, I do have his number. LOL.
I tell ya....some people amaze me....I think I am going more into NC just for "our friend"...I tell ya!!
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Well Miss Sadie,
I must say you've progressed by leaps and bounds in the last few weeks. And I'm so darn proud of you. You've also been blessed with what sounds like an amazing therapist. Hang on to her. You found a gem.
Keep up the good work
I must say you've progressed by leaps and bounds in the last few weeks. And I'm so darn proud of you. You've also been blessed with what sounds like an amazing therapist. Hang on to her. You found a gem.
Keep up the good work
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 48
Oh yes...I can't even begin to tell ya'll how wonderful I am still feeling today after talking with her. It's funny my first full night sleep in a week and today I am still tired, LOL. I guess it's all caught up with me now. I've also noticed that my smoking tapered off a bit today. She said it would with time. We talked about so much and it just felt so wonderful to understand this grey area that I am in. Or hall as ya'll describe it. Now that I know that I don't need black or white right now it is a very peaceful feeling for me to be here. I had been stressing so much because I needed instant gratification or closure immediately...and truth is neither of which I am ready for at this time. There is no hurry for either as she said. So color me grey...and I'll be working on me.
Thank you everyone. Going with a GF today to a birthday party. I don't know a single soul there but her. So this should be interesting. Taking my own car though, just in case.
Big hugs...have a wonderful weekend.
Thank you everyone. Going with a GF today to a birthday party. I don't know a single soul there but her. So this should be interesting. Taking my own car though, just in case.
Big hugs...have a wonderful weekend.
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