I don't know what to do!
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I don't know what to do!
My name is tara and this is my first post here. I found this site while doing a web search for Alanon. I will attend my first meeting tonight but i feel as if I'm falling apart right now.
My husband of 25 years has a serious drinking problem and I just don't know what to do. He has drank too much from time to time through the years but always cut down when I confronted him on it. He always has worked hard, been a good father and has not really caused any major problems with his drinking except for worrying me. Now it's different. He drinks all the time. I find little bottles stashed all over the place and he literally cannot go a day without drinking. I find myself constantly smelling his breath for signs.
Last night was too much. I work for a record company and promote Celtic bands. Last night was a very important show for me and my band in NYC. Lots of important industry people there. We did the usual wine and dine thing with the execs but I asked husband to please go easy on the drinking. Yeah right! He drink constantly all night, mixing beer with mixed drinks. I asked him to please slow down but no way! He generally made a fool out of himself at the show, embarrassed me and may have messed up a important business opportunity for me. On the way home he was sick several times, forcing me to pull over to the curb while my friends sat in silence in the back seat.
I didn't see him this morning as he left for work before me but i don't know what to when we get home. Confront him, ignore him, be sad, be angry? I grew up in a screwed up family and at my age I refuse to go through this dysfunctional crap again. What do i do.? I want to leave just run away. I can't take this. so depressed so angry and so sad. Help! tara
My husband of 25 years has a serious drinking problem and I just don't know what to do. He has drank too much from time to time through the years but always cut down when I confronted him on it. He always has worked hard, been a good father and has not really caused any major problems with his drinking except for worrying me. Now it's different. He drinks all the time. I find little bottles stashed all over the place and he literally cannot go a day without drinking. I find myself constantly smelling his breath for signs.
Last night was too much. I work for a record company and promote Celtic bands. Last night was a very important show for me and my band in NYC. Lots of important industry people there. We did the usual wine and dine thing with the execs but I asked husband to please go easy on the drinking. Yeah right! He drink constantly all night, mixing beer with mixed drinks. I asked him to please slow down but no way! He generally made a fool out of himself at the show, embarrassed me and may have messed up a important business opportunity for me. On the way home he was sick several times, forcing me to pull over to the curb while my friends sat in silence in the back seat.
I didn't see him this morning as he left for work before me but i don't know what to when we get home. Confront him, ignore him, be sad, be angry? I grew up in a screwed up family and at my age I refuse to go through this dysfunctional crap again. What do i do.? I want to leave just run away. I can't take this. so depressed so angry and so sad. Help! tara
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
Tara -
Hi and welcome to the boards. I am sorry for what you are going through. I am glad to hear that you are planning to attend your first meeting tonight, that is a great thing!
I am a addict blessed to be in recovery and just learning how to deal with my codependency issues. I just wanted to welcome you and assure you that some wise people will be coming by soon to offer there experience, strength and hope.
Hang in there, you are not alone.
Hi and welcome to the boards. I am sorry for what you are going through. I am glad to hear that you are planning to attend your first meeting tonight, that is a great thing!
I am a addict blessed to be in recovery and just learning how to deal with my codependency issues. I just wanted to welcome you and assure you that some wise people will be coming by soon to offer there experience, strength and hope.
Hang in there, you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Maryland
Posts: 2
Welcome to the boards! I hope you find some good advice here.
All I can offer you is that your husband sounds a lot like my father. And in my case, no amount of talking, yelling, getting mad or sad has done any good, because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him.
I hope you have better luck getting your A to realize what he is doing to you and your family.
Good Luck!
All I can offer you is that your husband sounds a lot like my father. And in my case, no amount of talking, yelling, getting mad or sad has done any good, because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him.
I hope you have better luck getting your A to realize what he is doing to you and your family.
Good Luck!
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Lass,
You will learn through Alanon to get your mind off of him and on yourself. You will learn that you did not cause, cannot control or cure his drinking.
The first step tells us that we have no power over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanagable.
If you want change in your life it must begin with you, because they may not get sober.
I have learned to detach from, let go of, and generally let the A be himself. But I have also learned to set boundaries to protect myself physically, financially, emotionally and spirtually.
You will meet people who have left and you will meet people who have stayed. And both are happy. You will meet people like you are in between.
Right now you are really really angry with him. Been there. But the anger will pass.
I usually advise people to not do anything at all until they know what it is they want to do. If you act too soon you may cause yourself regret. You have enough pain, so why add regret. Waiting is an action...it is a choice. Take your time and get some information and tools from us and and your group.
You won't regret it!
And come back!
Hugs,
JT
You will learn through Alanon to get your mind off of him and on yourself. You will learn that you did not cause, cannot control or cure his drinking.
The first step tells us that we have no power over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanagable.
If you want change in your life it must begin with you, because they may not get sober.
I have learned to detach from, let go of, and generally let the A be himself. But I have also learned to set boundaries to protect myself physically, financially, emotionally and spirtually.
You will meet people who have left and you will meet people who have stayed. And both are happy. You will meet people like you are in between.
Right now you are really really angry with him. Been there. But the anger will pass.
I usually advise people to not do anything at all until they know what it is they want to do. If you act too soon you may cause yourself regret. You have enough pain, so why add regret. Waiting is an action...it is a choice. Take your time and get some information and tools from us and and your group.
You won't regret it!
And come back!
Hugs,
JT
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lass
Just want to welcome you too and add that you are not responsible for his actions. If his actions interfere with your business meetings, leave him at home.
Keep reading here, and you will see that you are not alone and are among friends. Keep coming back.
Just want to welcome you too and add that you are not responsible for his actions. If his actions interfere with your business meetings, leave him at home.
Keep reading here, and you will see that you are not alone and are among friends. Keep coming back.
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Lass,
Welcome! You have found a great place. The forum has a lot of good reading and people with experiences similar to yours. I hope you find the same support, understanding and love that I have been priviledged to enjoy here.
As for your husband, remember that his actions are not a reflection on YOU , even though it feels like it sometimes. I agree with the others, if he is a liability to you in your work/social engagements, then leave him home!! As you spend some time in recovery, you will learn that you didn't cause his drinking problem, you can't control it and you can't cure it. What you CAN do is work on you.
I hope you found a great face to face meeting and that you find support there as well.
HUGS
Osier59
Welcome! You have found a great place. The forum has a lot of good reading and people with experiences similar to yours. I hope you find the same support, understanding and love that I have been priviledged to enjoy here.
As for your husband, remember that his actions are not a reflection on YOU , even though it feels like it sometimes. I agree with the others, if he is a liability to you in your work/social engagements, then leave him home!! As you spend some time in recovery, you will learn that you didn't cause his drinking problem, you can't control it and you can't cure it. What you CAN do is work on you.
I hope you found a great face to face meeting and that you find support there as well.
HUGS
Osier59
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hello scottishlass,
Welcome to the forum. I can relate to the drinking just suddenly becoming much worse. The same thing happened to me with my son recently. Now I just can't believe how much he drinks.
We can't change them, but we can change our reactions and learn to set boundaries. You just may have to leave him home next time.
Hugs,
MG
Welcome to the forum. I can relate to the drinking just suddenly becoming much worse. The same thing happened to me with my son recently. Now I just can't believe how much he drinks.
We can't change them, but we can change our reactions and learn to set boundaries. You just may have to leave him home next time.
Hugs,
MG
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