Girlfriend

His whole family is jumping on me now. The daughter, the exwife and now the sister's husband is blaming me for their marital problems.

What is wrong with these people? They are blaming the WRONG PERSON!

I hate this and am in tears and can't breathe!

ASpouse

You are allowing yourself to be blamed for his problem. Try not to let it upset you. If you set yourself as a target you will become one.

Block their emails and phone calls. You don't need this.

If you feel comfortable with yourself, then let others judge you if they want to, you know the truth.

CatsTail

Block your calls, don't take their e-mails. If you allow them to do it then they will.

If he is your ex then why are they blaming you for anything?

Ngaire

ASpouse

The only opinion that should matter to Girlfriend is HERS .... not ours, not theirs. She is a grown woman who can make up her own mind as to what she wants to listen to/believe and what she doesn't.

We only know her situation with what she posts here ... there are probably some details we don't know ..... but what I do know is that none of us can take it personally what our A's do to us ... it's such a bad disease that creates such a dyfunctional behavior.

pmaslan

Girlfriend....if I remember correctly...isn't his family a huge group of dysfunctional misfits....consider them a "circus act" that you aren't buying a ticket to...block all calls and emails...NOW before it kills you......
Love, Patty

ASpouse

Gianna, I doubt you offended anyone. Basically I think discussion groups like this, Al Anon, AA are not to help sort through the mess. It is to give people the sounding board to sort through the mess themselves.

Helping others is what got us here in the first place. I hope you understand what I am trying to say, sometimes I don't make myself clear.

I don't think people need help figuring out their opinions and feelings at all. We all know the way we feel, perhaps what people, especially co-de's, need is justification that their feelings and opinions are CORRECT ..... to me it's a form of manipulation, it's difficult for me to explain.

I think Girlfriend has her own ideas, feelings and opinions on the subject of her exabf and his extremely dysfunctional family.

It is questions like these that get us in trouble and believe me I've asked questions like this many many many times ...... it's only within the last year I've stopped asking.

Girlfriend

MAN!! Last night was hard. I couldn't breathe, I felt like the weight of the world was on my chest.

He's been in rehab 2 weeks and I think his family is seeing that he's not making progress in there like they had hoped that he would. All's he talks about is me (according to them) and how I "upset" him because I changed my cell and he couldn't get in touch with me. Plus, he thinks that I'm seeing someone else (I'm not). He told me "Just go find yourself another man who's sober and live happily ever after with him". He's still wearing the ring I gave him a long time ago. He hasn't gotten it, yet.

I got emails from the whole family last night blaming me for everything. EVERYTHING that they could think of. I know they're SO tired of him and his crap, but they don't confront him with it because he's "trying to get sober" and so, it's easy to shoot at me and they DID.....big time.

I know I made the mistake of seeing him last Sat. "just as a friend only" (I told him) and I know I made the mistake of telling his family off because they jumped on me. But, I wasn't taking it anymore. I was SO angry because of all the lies and blaming, so I went off on them all.

I really feel like I hate xabf now. I hate what his lies continue to do and I hate that I fall for them and listen. I know I'm at fault here, but I'm not to blame for his drinking or his family's marital problems or xabf cutting his wrists or losing his job. HE DID ALL OF THAT.

I tried to help him and he used me. He lied and used me. And, it hurts alot to face that fact finally.

I don't know what more to say except THANK YOU SO MUCH! I just want this pain to go away and I know in time it will and I'll keep with Al anon and with my counselor and keep on keepin' on because .........he may have taken me down, but he's hasn't taken me out! I'm still here, d***** and this is MY LIFE.

((hugs))

ASpouse

You need to let go of the anger .... you need to feel it, accept it and move on. No your xabf is not doing anything to show he is recovering. He is obsessing on you is sounds like.

Let go of the anger, let go of the hate ..... it's causing you much harm, physically and emotionally. You need to detach from this situation ..... first thing you can do is ask the family to stop contacting you, you can tell them you are sorry they feel the way they do and that you understand they are entitled to their feelings also. But if they want to contact you, to make it pleasant or not at all. That is a good first boundary to set on your way to detachment, or something similar. Set a Boundary of some sort ....... TODAY and stick to it.

Girlfriend

At this point, there is no "pleasant" when it comes to xabf and his family.

I let him know today that I don't want to hear from him or his family again. After last night and my not being able to breathe..........that's where the line is drawn.

minnie

Don't forget - you are the one that has drawn the line. They will probably take no notice of your request, so it is up to you to enforce the boundary by not responding when they try and contact you.

You can do it.