Setbacks?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lincolnshire, England
Posts: 464
Setbacks?
What do you guys do when you, or your ‘A’ have setbacks?
How do you handle it?
I would be interested to know; for myself and for anyone else reading these boards.
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We have had a setback with P’s road to recovery.
We had been hoping to get a call from the detox unit to tell us that P could go in yesterday. When the call didn’t come I chased them up. They are still having problems with a salmonella outbreak. I guess salmonella and withdrawal wouldn’t be such a good combination for P! They are hoping to get him in for next Monday.
So, I have another week of sleepwalking, hyper-anxiety, and stomach problems; not eating, nightmares etc the list is long!
I know there are setbacks on the NHS for people with all kinds of problems; it’s some thing we have to deal with unless you have pots of money for private treatment.
How do I handle it?
Occasionally the setbacks get a ‘knee-jerk’ reaction; anger, resentment and frustration boil over in my brain and beg to be expressed verbally.
More often (thankfully) the little voice at the back of my brain say’s “Whoa! This won’t help you” and “This is beyond your control” and I taken the time to listen to that voice (in the garden, of course!) it keeps me on an even keel and I find myself better able to cope when things get harder to deal with.
I also find that ‘walking a mile in another person’s shoes’ helps too. I cannot possibly imagine what it must be like to suffer alcohol addiction in the way that P does; but I can draw on my own experience of pain and suffering to gain an insight into what P needs me to say and do.
In my own experience ‘Engaging the brain before opening the Mouth’ saves much hassle in all areas of my life! I forget that sometimes!
Opinions and insight appreciated.
How do you handle it?
I would be interested to know; for myself and for anyone else reading these boards.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
We have had a setback with P’s road to recovery.
We had been hoping to get a call from the detox unit to tell us that P could go in yesterday. When the call didn’t come I chased them up. They are still having problems with a salmonella outbreak. I guess salmonella and withdrawal wouldn’t be such a good combination for P! They are hoping to get him in for next Monday.
So, I have another week of sleepwalking, hyper-anxiety, and stomach problems; not eating, nightmares etc the list is long!
I know there are setbacks on the NHS for people with all kinds of problems; it’s some thing we have to deal with unless you have pots of money for private treatment.
How do I handle it?
Occasionally the setbacks get a ‘knee-jerk’ reaction; anger, resentment and frustration boil over in my brain and beg to be expressed verbally.
More often (thankfully) the little voice at the back of my brain say’s “Whoa! This won’t help you” and “This is beyond your control” and I taken the time to listen to that voice (in the garden, of course!) it keeps me on an even keel and I find myself better able to cope when things get harder to deal with.
I also find that ‘walking a mile in another person’s shoes’ helps too. I cannot possibly imagine what it must be like to suffer alcohol addiction in the way that P does; but I can draw on my own experience of pain and suffering to gain an insight into what P needs me to say and do.
In my own experience ‘Engaging the brain before opening the Mouth’ saves much hassle in all areas of my life! I forget that sometimes!
Opinions and insight appreciated.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
I tend to be passive agressive and shut down but that is not good.
Not dealing with things or dealing with things by saying nothing at all has it build up inside till it comes out LOUD to get past the foot that happens to be entering my mouth at the time.
Picking the battles if I must... simple things work the best and a prayer always works.
Some will count to ten before opening their mouth. Others may need count to 100 (me). What I find works wonders for me is a prayer and making the shape of a letter "C" in the air. For me that is a reminder I should be Christ like in all my dealings with others.
Having boundaries in place before a situation comes about helps me hold my own limits on how I may react as well.
Not dealing with things or dealing with things by saying nothing at all has it build up inside till it comes out LOUD to get past the foot that happens to be entering my mouth at the time.
Picking the battles if I must... simple things work the best and a prayer always works.
Some will count to ten before opening their mouth. Others may need count to 100 (me). What I find works wonders for me is a prayer and making the shape of a letter "C" in the air. For me that is a reminder I should be Christ like in all my dealings with others.
Having boundaries in place before a situation comes about helps me hold my own limits on how I may react as well.
alone and healing alone
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Fort Smith, AR
Posts: 16
here goes with yet another probably odd opinion, but mine just the same. For starters is your P wanting to change and the setback was an accident, or was there a method to the madness? If your P had the setback by accident, which yes that does happen, sit peacefully and discuss it with them if they are willing, and realize that nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. your P is probably kicking theirself enough for both of you if it was just a lack of better judgement. When my AH had his setback on saturday night it was an accident and I do realize this. His logic was, "what harm can it do?". I changed the door locks and didn''t give him a key to the new door locks as of yet, but he really did need a wake up call, and has never asked for the key. he fully realizes that he will get a key in time, and it wasn't out of retaliation that I changed the locks, but that I was just following though on what i had promised. a person is only as good as their word, and my word wouldn't mean much if I went back on mine. I'm certainly not saying lock them out of the house..lol. that was something I had to follow through on since I had said it would be the next action i took. Lordy how I do ramble..lol. In short, listen to that little nagging feeling in your gut based on the circumstances.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
As I suffer from verbal diarreoah - needless to say everything has to be expressed!!
How I feel about setbacks depends on the type. I can be forgiving of mistakes and tolerant of lifes ups and downs - but if I feel a threat to me and mine I feel fear, if I sense malice I feel anger, and when the setback is sad - that's what I feel, sad.
Some things annoy me more than others, proffessionals not doing their job being my biggest bug bear - teachers that blame the kids they can't apparently teach, doctors who don't read their flippin' notes (ok - I know they get very little time, but sometimes they SHOULD), people who preach endlessly about individual duty as a co-operate parent but have never visited a single kid once they leave care, and anyone who slates children as manipulative. When these things cause a setback I vent like a good un' but try to do so somewhere safe, somewhere that my rage won't make the whole situation worse.
While I let my emotions be what they are, another part of me strips away emotion from thought, useless from useful, at the same time I weigh up a response I can feel is as good as I can get.
When the emotions hit I often wish they weren't there - mostly I wish they weren't but sometimes they have guided me too. When the doc told D to 'live a little' and drink - it was when I could explain my emotion to myself that I knew how to deal with it. I had no words for the way I've felt - sometimes just looking at the changes in his face. My answer was to show him the pictures of the changes and say that's why I knew the doc was wrong.
Thanks Susane, this post has helped me - I don't want the emotional rollercoaster I feel sometimes but until I can figure out how to chuck the bathwater out WITHOUT losing the baby, maybe I should just feel until feelings do what they do - pass.
How I feel about setbacks depends on the type. I can be forgiving of mistakes and tolerant of lifes ups and downs - but if I feel a threat to me and mine I feel fear, if I sense malice I feel anger, and when the setback is sad - that's what I feel, sad.
Some things annoy me more than others, proffessionals not doing their job being my biggest bug bear - teachers that blame the kids they can't apparently teach, doctors who don't read their flippin' notes (ok - I know they get very little time, but sometimes they SHOULD), people who preach endlessly about individual duty as a co-operate parent but have never visited a single kid once they leave care, and anyone who slates children as manipulative. When these things cause a setback I vent like a good un' but try to do so somewhere safe, somewhere that my rage won't make the whole situation worse.
While I let my emotions be what they are, another part of me strips away emotion from thought, useless from useful, at the same time I weigh up a response I can feel is as good as I can get.
When the emotions hit I often wish they weren't there - mostly I wish they weren't but sometimes they have guided me too. When the doc told D to 'live a little' and drink - it was when I could explain my emotion to myself that I knew how to deal with it. I had no words for the way I've felt - sometimes just looking at the changes in his face. My answer was to show him the pictures of the changes and say that's why I knew the doc was wrong.
Thanks Susane, this post has helped me - I don't want the emotional rollercoaster I feel sometimes but until I can figure out how to chuck the bathwater out WITHOUT losing the baby, maybe I should just feel until feelings do what they do - pass.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lincolnshire, England
Posts: 464
Originally Posted by BEST
Not dealing with things or dealing with things by saying nothing at all has it build up inside till it comes out LOUD to get past the foot that happens to be entering my mouth at the time.
This I did many times in the early days of P's relapse! 'Knowledge is Power' and also a balm.
Originally Posted by BLUEANGEL
realize that nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes
Thanks guys
for your input.Any more?
*
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lincolnshire, England
Posts: 464
Originally Posted by EQUUS
Thanks Susane, this post has helped me - I don't want the emotional rollercoaster I feel sometimes but until I can figure out how to chuck the bathwater out WITHOUT losing the baby, maybe I should just feel until feelings do what they do - pass.
I think YOUR way of dealing with setbacks (venting them on here!) is a lesson many of us could learn.
And maybe, the feeling that 'this will pass' takes a little longer for some than it does for others.
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