talk to his family about the insanity?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: arcata, ca
Posts: 1
talk to his family about the insanity?
Hi, The time has opened where I know it will be ok to talk with my BF's family. My plan is to engage them into an intervention of some kind, his behavior moods daily doing nothing depression then drinking binges..... My question is should I tell him before hand I am going to talk with them, or talk with them first? Guess my concern is he being outrages or more importantly not receptive.
thank you.
Kashia
thank you.
Kashia
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Dear Kashia,
Welcome to SR. Please consider getting information together regarding AA/Alanon and Rehabs before your approach anyone about it. It's especially important that you attend meetings to get an idea what it's really all about.
You're getting ready to tread on sacred ground telling his family. Rule #1. Blood is thicker than water. I went through the same thing with my husband and his family defended him and justified it saying his father was a drunk, his grandfather, blah blah blah. Eventhough they see it happening, no one wants to acknowledge their son or brother has a drinking problem. That's why I can't stress strong enough the idea of going to meetings and reading the literature they have available.
He's going to be absolutely nuts when he discovers you or anyone else went behind his back talking about his drinking. And there is a real possibility he'll totally flip out if there is talk of an intervention. Interventions are tricky and professional assistance is advised. It's not as easy as it sounds...Hey babe, you've got a drinking problem and we all support you and think you need rehab...yeah, right. If only it was that easy.
Educate yourself. I know you're desperate but if you don't know what you're talking about and can't back yourself with information you're back to square one.
Alanon is a great first step for you and for him. Good Luck. And keep in touch. We're all here for you.
Blessings
Welcome to SR. Please consider getting information together regarding AA/Alanon and Rehabs before your approach anyone about it. It's especially important that you attend meetings to get an idea what it's really all about.
You're getting ready to tread on sacred ground telling his family. Rule #1. Blood is thicker than water. I went through the same thing with my husband and his family defended him and justified it saying his father was a drunk, his grandfather, blah blah blah. Eventhough they see it happening, no one wants to acknowledge their son or brother has a drinking problem. That's why I can't stress strong enough the idea of going to meetings and reading the literature they have available.
He's going to be absolutely nuts when he discovers you or anyone else went behind his back talking about his drinking. And there is a real possibility he'll totally flip out if there is talk of an intervention. Interventions are tricky and professional assistance is advised. It's not as easy as it sounds...Hey babe, you've got a drinking problem and we all support you and think you need rehab...yeah, right. If only it was that easy.
Educate yourself. I know you're desperate but if you don't know what you're talking about and can't back yourself with information you're back to square one.
Alanon is a great first step for you and for him. Good Luck. And keep in touch. We're all here for you.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Baltimore
Posts: 8
That is a difficult dilemma, whether to talk to him first. It depends on how your bf would react. Would he try to stop you from talking to them? Or does he want help?
Do you think his family has any clue about the drinking and depression? Some families are in complete denial. My BF's mother is one of those people. She does not think that he has any mental health issues and that his past using is over. She has no clue that he is as messed up as he is. I think she is in denial because to accept that he has problems would force her to accept some of the responsibility (abandoned him often as a child, leaving for months at a time and kept him in an abusive environment). I have learned that she is completely in the denial when it comes to my ABF's problems and his current mental/addiction state.
Is your bf in any type of counseling or treatment? If not, that may be something to consider. Depression and alcohol constantly reinforce each other, drinking leading to depression, leading to further drinking (and vice versa). I find that when my bf is going into a depressive state he begins drinking again, which makes him even depressed even further.
Hugs to you. I know how difficult it can be watching someone you love depressed and drinking.
Vaporgirrl
Do you think his family has any clue about the drinking and depression? Some families are in complete denial. My BF's mother is one of those people. She does not think that he has any mental health issues and that his past using is over. She has no clue that he is as messed up as he is. I think she is in denial because to accept that he has problems would force her to accept some of the responsibility (abandoned him often as a child, leaving for months at a time and kept him in an abusive environment). I have learned that she is completely in the denial when it comes to my ABF's problems and his current mental/addiction state.
Is your bf in any type of counseling or treatment? If not, that may be something to consider. Depression and alcohol constantly reinforce each other, drinking leading to depression, leading to further drinking (and vice versa). I find that when my bf is going into a depressive state he begins drinking again, which makes him even depressed even further.
Hugs to you. I know how difficult it can be watching someone you love depressed and drinking.
Vaporgirrl
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I am with gelfling on this one ...it could really blow up in your face to go to his family. I have 4 addicts in my life and I have found that the only thing that will make them quit is their own desire to quit.
The real question is how are you going to take care of yourself in this situation you are in? Don't gp to his family please...
The real question is how are you going to take care of yourself in this situation you are in? Don't gp to his family please...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Seriously; I found that it was a very big disappontment to me when I talked to FIL about A/H (of 27 yrs). I did not grow up w/ active alcoholism so I had no idea the dynamics that go with it. Seems my BOTH our families are riddled with A's.............talking to FIL didn't help; turns out HE is one; his parents (A/H's grandparents) were, etc,etc.....they don't think A/H is "that bad" because he still has a job and hasn't hit me or been arrested/lost his liscence) So now, they probably believe that he is "justified" to drink because I don't like his drinking.
Yes; read,read, help yourself............unfortunately even if they agree with you (don't count on it
) in the scheme of things; it probably doesn't matter..........maddening, I know! Some days it just feels like defying gravity.........save your energy. (those are the days I am thinking clearly; unfortunately ever day is not like that; yet )
Good luck to you. My advice is to know more about what you are dealing with; it really, really helped me alot........the frustration is still threr, but not the anger.
God bless you; try to let Him deal with it if you can; it is best.
Yes; read,read, help yourself............unfortunately even if they agree with you (don't count on it
) in the scheme of things; it probably doesn't matter..........maddening, I know! Some days it just feels like defying gravity.........save your energy. (those are the days I am thinking clearly; unfortunately ever day is not like that; yet )Good luck to you. My advice is to know more about what you are dealing with; it really, really helped me alot........the frustration is still threr, but not the anger.
God bless you; try to let Him deal with it if you can; it is best.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hey Kashia,you say the time has opened where i know it will be ok to talk with my BF,S family.You know best.I can only share how this worked out for me.It didn't.His family seemed concerned about his drinking.Even talked to him about it.When it got to the point where he couldnt function,i thought id give his family a call,and ask for their, help in getting him sober.,or help.They live long distance from us.After all they too would want to help him,don't want to see him distroy himself,,right?They already have talked to him ,at times.,about his drinking.Wrong!!!When.... i .....got into it,it was a different story though.They attacked me,blamed me,and told me all my faults.Telling me im not perfect either...What a shock this was for me,so i let go.And when he was confronted with an intervention,same thing.He turned it all around on me.At this point i let go,let God,and started my own recovery.Starting my own recovery is what changed my life.Many years later as he hit his bottom,his family asked me why i didnt tell them how badly hub was progressing in his drinking?Go figure..lol.All has been forgiven with all of us today.For i was really mad that they didnt want to help him,when i called.This was not correct thinking on my part.it was all about DENIL.,had nothing at all to do with not wanting to help him...I know that for me,being alcoholic myself i did not go for help until i had,had....enough...No matter what others tried to tell me.
Thanks for letting me share,,
God Bless,take care!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for letting me share,,
God Bless,take care!!!!!!!!!!!
Last edited by Cap3; 07-04-2005 at 06:11 AM. Reason: post
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
I tend to think that telling the family would be OK, as long as you take care of your own business first. By that I mean, get into Alanon, and start working your own recovery program. If you do this first, you will be much calmer and stronger when you approach his family.
My daughter is an alcoholic and her extended family is all aware of her situation. This has helped her come to terms with her disease. She is not able to play one family member off another because they are all aware of what she is going through. This is why I am in favour of telling the family - you are only as sick as your secrets...
Robin
My daughter is an alcoholic and her extended family is all aware of her situation. This has helped her come to terms with her disease. She is not able to play one family member off another because they are all aware of what she is going through. This is why I am in favour of telling the family - you are only as sick as your secrets...
Robin
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