jaintao

Hi-
Just wondering what kind of reaction I might need to be prepared to get when I make it known that I am looking to al-anon or this support group for my own recovery? I would hope for encouragement from my abf , but also would like to believe in Santa.
I would love to hear what kind of reactions others have gotten.
Thanks!

Carchick4life

When my dad found out I had to see a shink about everything he said "I don't hate you a**hole which is his way of saying he loves me.

My mom...um yeah. lol she wasn't very happy to say at the least.

I don't think you should worry about the reactions your going to get. Hopefully people will support you and if they don't then screw them and worry about yourself.

jaintao

"I don't think you should worry about the reactions your going to get. Hopefully people will support you and if they don't then screw them and worry about yourself"

You are so right. Isn't it funny that I sit here worrying about the reaction to me taking action to help myself, and yet he is clearly not spending time worrying about how his drinking will impact me? Thank you for putting it in perspective.

zoe

My H didn't say anything when I told him I was going to Alanon and he also didn't say anything when he sat and watched me read and type on SR. He just instictively new that what I was doing to better myself was not for him to discourage. If he had said anything it would have been because of his own insecurity and trying to keep me under his thumb. As for everyone else, I don't judge you, so don't judge me.

nocellphone

I've found that if I'm doing things for myself in the interest of self-care and my motives don't involve harming others in the process, then if they have negative reactions to these decisions, that's their stuff, not mine (too many commas there...? ). I don't need to let other people's negativity throw me off my healthy course. That's what my disease would like...

And, interestingly, sometimes their reactions are positive... so maybe there is a Santa Claus...

brvalley

My AH told me it was nice for me to join my drunkettes club and laughed at me, opened another bottle of wine and wondered if I was going to cook dinner when I got home. Before the first meeting, I told him yes, and after that we all went for coffee after the meetings and was too late by the time I got home. By that time he was also passed out on the breakfast bar and I assumed not hungry anymore? He continued to make nasty comments about the meetings but I kept going, and I'm so much better, and he is still drinking. Since he's moved out and found a girlfriend, it's surely not my problem to worry about dinner anymore. But I still attend meetings and have found this site to have wonderful advice and information.

Zoey

If he finds fault, perhaps explain it is to help you with life's problems, such as anger, hurt feelings etc etc.
I myself would not mention his drinking or anything about him. To not mention what upsets you about him would hopefully cause him to not be resentfull, or fearfull.

This is just a suggestion. I feel Al-Anon works for all life's problems, just as AA does. If we work our program. Best of luck clancy46

minnie

I don't think I've said hi yet, so welcome to SR. It is a wonderful place for support and advice. I would perhaps think about keeping this place just for you. When I first joined I told my then fiance about it and he joined. I found it difficult to share my feelings, knowing that he could look in any time.

If you think you need al-anon, then go. Personally I do and I love it. If your OH objects, he'll be making it all about HIM. But it's not - we talk about OUR growth and recovery, not theirs.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

Love

Minnie
xxx

jaintao

Thanks so much to all for your honest views. Minnie, you are so right- I do look at this forum as my private space. This is one place I want for myself and don't want to share it with him. I guess I waffle back and forth about how to tell him that I am not going to enable him, but still want him to know that I am looking to stay with him by supporting me. Does that make any sense?

minnie

Kind of makes sense.

You don't need to give him warning that you're not going to enable him. Just work on not doing it - he'll get the message sooner or later. He won't like it, mind. And he won't support you in not enabling him because it means he'll have to face the consequences of his own actions.

If you're looking for support - come here and we'll give it to you. In spades.

meli2005

My AH was happy to see me going to alanon finally after it had been recommended a while back. I held off for a while. I'm glad I'm going to. YOu know if your ABF is still activiely drinking he is not taking your feelings into consideration when he drinks, so dont' worry about his, you need to do what you need to in order to take care of YOU! YOU matter!