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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
emotionally unavailable
ok gang, is anyone else dealing with this. my hubby, recently out of inpatient rehab, ist time and currently enrolled in an aftercare program and not attending aa,( he doesn't buy into all that corny stuff),,,iis working the program on me. he told me that he learned in rehab to focus on himself,(what's changed) now he dosoen't do a thing around the house with out me nagging. he sleeps, lies on the couch with all the shades closed all weekend. i should have had some duct tape probably last night, but my couselor told me to pretend that we're normal and talk to him like he's not sick.soo, itold him that he ignored me 4 times when i talked to him and i wondered why. he starts crabbing when,when when, you have a soft voice, maybe i didn't hear you!!!grrrr....,then i said i wish you'd ask me about my day, even if you really don't want to know., then i started too cry and he said 'what did ii do now???? then i jumped down his throat and spoke the truth and said to him'" it's not about you, it's aboout me, and somethings that i've been going through that don't include you" i'm just sad and could have used a caring friend and wished so bad we could be friends. boy, do i miss his friendship, i can't remember when i lost it. i just can't keep sucking it up. what is this evolution in our family, what's happening ? what do i do? 1st step, 4th step, detach, ask, respect him and ask for nothing , or pretend that we're gonna make it. do i really want this angry distant man in my life or am i just at loose ends because i'm tryong to stop enabling, searching for myself and missing the man i love after all these years. give me a hand up you guys, am i just on a pity-party? thanks
hugs from sugar
hugs from sugar
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Sugar52,
I hear you,believe me. One of the things I had to come to grips with was that my ex could not be my only friend, or even my best friend at that time. I had to work on my recovery, and I found new friends IN recovery who were able to meet a lot of my needs that he was either unable or unwilling to meet. It was sort of funny, because he got angry and insecure when I started talking more to my outside friends about the things that he didn't want to hear!
I'm not sure that made sense, but what I want to say is he apparently cannot meet that need for you right now. So- your choice is to continue to look for bread at the hardware store, or you can go elsewhere.
Good luck. Know that we love you and we'll ALWAYS listen when you need someone
Osier59
I hear you,believe me. One of the things I had to come to grips with was that my ex could not be my only friend, or even my best friend at that time. I had to work on my recovery, and I found new friends IN recovery who were able to meet a lot of my needs that he was either unable or unwilling to meet. It was sort of funny, because he got angry and insecure when I started talking more to my outside friends about the things that he didn't want to hear!
I'm not sure that made sense, but what I want to say is he apparently cannot meet that need for you right now. So- your choice is to continue to look for bread at the hardware store, or you can go elsewhere.
Good luck. Know that we love you and we'll ALWAYS listen when you need someone
Osier59
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
I understand what you mean Sugar. I have felt lonely too and wanting more from the relationship. I agree with oiser, you need to get the support from somewhere else. I am just getting to know my sponser, it has taken me 8 months just to get a sponser. I am also starting to call people from my alanon meetings for support. I feel like I should be able to go to him for support but I know I can't - at least not right now. I don't know if that helps much but I do understand where you are coming from.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sugar
My heart goes out to you. When my son lived at home, when he was using he didn't take responsibility for anything around the house and blamed it on his being an addict, and when he was in recovery he didn't take responsibility for anything around the house because it "stressed" him and he needed to focus on his program.
I haven't seen a program yet, AA or otherwise, that says to go through life stepping on people and never taking responsibility for chores and your share of living. Even in treatment, they have daily chores to do.
The same goes for respect for others in the house - spouses, children. To never communicate or be friendly to those around us is just plain rude and emotionally abusive. Doesn't mean they have to share every thought or be there every minute, but they should at least be there some of the time.
There is a lot more to recovery that just putting down the drug. They need to learn to live healthy lives and have healthy relationships.
Stay? Leave? - We don't advise here unless you are in immediate danger, but work your program and make a plan. Even if you never need your plan, it will help you just knowing you have other options.
My prayers are with you.
My heart goes out to you. When my son lived at home, when he was using he didn't take responsibility for anything around the house and blamed it on his being an addict, and when he was in recovery he didn't take responsibility for anything around the house because it "stressed" him and he needed to focus on his program.
I haven't seen a program yet, AA or otherwise, that says to go through life stepping on people and never taking responsibility for chores and your share of living. Even in treatment, they have daily chores to do.
The same goes for respect for others in the house - spouses, children. To never communicate or be friendly to those around us is just plain rude and emotionally abusive. Doesn't mean they have to share every thought or be there every minute, but they should at least be there some of the time.
There is a lot more to recovery that just putting down the drug. They need to learn to live healthy lives and have healthy relationships.
Stay? Leave? - We don't advise here unless you are in immediate danger, but work your program and make a plan. Even if you never need your plan, it will help you just knowing you have other options.
My prayers are with you.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
There is a saying "Just because the firetruck leaves doesn't mean the fire is over"
There is alot of smoke and water damage, and belongings that are ruined and cleanup to be done and then the rebuilding begins.
When I began recovery from codependency I pulled in and away. I was uncommunicative and when Ward tried to pull me out I became nasty. Recovery is intense for us...it has to be worse for them. They are fighting the urge to reach for a substance as well as trying to rebuild who they are. They are working on new coping skills just like we are and is is total upheaval of the status quo.
And then there is the Men are from Mars issue...they just cannot meet all of our needs. And they shouldn't have to.
Right now in his eyes it IS all about him. And for you it should be all about you. After a time with alot of luck and love you can quit just passing in the hall and start saying "have a nice day..I love you" again.
Hugs
JT
There is alot of smoke and water damage, and belongings that are ruined and cleanup to be done and then the rebuilding begins.
When I began recovery from codependency I pulled in and away. I was uncommunicative and when Ward tried to pull me out I became nasty. Recovery is intense for us...it has to be worse for them. They are fighting the urge to reach for a substance as well as trying to rebuild who they are. They are working on new coping skills just like we are and is is total upheaval of the status quo.
And then there is the Men are from Mars issue...they just cannot meet all of our needs. And they shouldn't have to.
Right now in his eyes it IS all about him. And for you it should be all about you. After a time with alot of luck and love you can quit just passing in the hall and start saying "have a nice day..I love you" again.
Hugs
JT
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
JT said it perfectly!!!
I have been in Alanon since a couple months after I met my husband even though he has been sober up until 2 months ago. There is a saying in AA that says that when the addict starts using they stop maturing and growing. Even though chronologically the addict gets older, mentally and emotionally they are at the age that they started using. Most addicts have to learn how to live. It's very overwhelming. It's the same thing as the "Hall" You're sober physically but emotionally and mentally and spiritually you still feel out of it.
Anyway you guys probably don't want insight into the addict when you are trying to practice detachment and forcus on you. I really have to remember that. It's just that I know so much about being an addict and very little on how to live with one. I spent the first part of my life using, then the secod part recovering and then now learning how to deal with someone elses addiction.
Basically even if you're in a relationship with a sober alcoholic, it's very hard. THE DISEASE IS NOT THE DRINK OR DRUG.....that is merely a symptom of the disease. It is a disease of character and behavior.
By the way, a big part of recovery from addiction is service and learning how to be a productive member of society. If your husband works a good program, he'll probably be helping out a lot more once the fog lifts. Take it from one who knows, you feel like you can't do anything, it's awful All I did for 3 months was eat candy, smoke cigarettes and go to meetings. Read some of the posts on the sobriety boards about people detoxing and just coming off drugs. They are in hell, really. I like reading it because it keeps it green for me. I never want to forget because I never want to go back.
Hang in Sugar, it will get a lot better. Until then we're all here for you.
Searching
I have been in Alanon since a couple months after I met my husband even though he has been sober up until 2 months ago. There is a saying in AA that says that when the addict starts using they stop maturing and growing. Even though chronologically the addict gets older, mentally and emotionally they are at the age that they started using. Most addicts have to learn how to live. It's very overwhelming. It's the same thing as the "Hall" You're sober physically but emotionally and mentally and spiritually you still feel out of it.
Anyway you guys probably don't want insight into the addict when you are trying to practice detachment and forcus on you. I really have to remember that. It's just that I know so much about being an addict and very little on how to live with one. I spent the first part of my life using, then the secod part recovering and then now learning how to deal with someone elses addiction.
Basically even if you're in a relationship with a sober alcoholic, it's very hard. THE DISEASE IS NOT THE DRINK OR DRUG.....that is merely a symptom of the disease. It is a disease of character and behavior.
By the way, a big part of recovery from addiction is service and learning how to be a productive member of society. If your husband works a good program, he'll probably be helping out a lot more once the fog lifts. Take it from one who knows, you feel like you can't do anything, it's awful All I did for 3 months was eat candy, smoke cigarettes and go to meetings. Read some of the posts on the sobriety boards about people detoxing and just coming off drugs. They are in hell, really. I like reading it because it keeps it green for me. I never want to forget because I never want to go back.
Hang in Sugar, it will get a lot better. Until then we're all here for you.
Searching
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Melody Beattie's book "Playing It By Heart" is a great read for all of us. Before she recognized what codependency was and went on to write such great things, she was a child of alcoholics, an addict herself, and married one.
The changes she had to go through to get to where she is today, is an ispiration to all of us.
This book helps us understand the power of addiction and the strength of recovery. I highly recommend it to everyone.
The changes she had to go through to get to where she is today, is an ispiration to all of us.
This book helps us understand the power of addiction and the strength of recovery. I highly recommend it to everyone.
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: england
Posts: 47
yep its lonely
Hi suger
I can relate to all u said,I think being in a relasionship where yout needs are met or even thought of, is tha hardest and lonlinees place to be. I to wish my A would give mwe alittle surport,or even notice that i exsist,It makes me so angry to watch him in his dealings with other people, he will jump to help them out, he will listen to them and give them attention, he will even pay them compliments, but he never once thinks to do any of these things for me , I wonder if that is a typical A thing.
I am to wondering if i want this man in my life anymore,Do i want another christmas like i had last year,i no deep down i want something more ,Hell i want to be in a healthy relationship, but for some reason i cant break with my man yet, i always allow myself to get pulled back,i no now that is part of my illness and i am trying to work on it.
If im really honest it would be so much easier if he just disapeared, but i no that wont happen.Im even seriously considering selling up taking my kids and moving far away, just go , dont tell anyone where or when, that way he cant find me, i just dont really no what to do,
I guess i have to just keep focusing on me and taking the steps to get better,and i will because i want to be happy
loads of hugs to you suger, be good to yourself,
I can relate to all u said,I think being in a relasionship where yout needs are met or even thought of, is tha hardest and lonlinees place to be. I to wish my A would give mwe alittle surport,or even notice that i exsist,It makes me so angry to watch him in his dealings with other people, he will jump to help them out, he will listen to them and give them attention, he will even pay them compliments, but he never once thinks to do any of these things for me , I wonder if that is a typical A thing.
I am to wondering if i want this man in my life anymore,Do i want another christmas like i had last year,i no deep down i want something more ,Hell i want to be in a healthy relationship, but for some reason i cant break with my man yet, i always allow myself to get pulled back,i no now that is part of my illness and i am trying to work on it.
If im really honest it would be so much easier if he just disapeared, but i no that wont happen.Im even seriously considering selling up taking my kids and moving far away, just go , dont tell anyone where or when, that way he cant find me, i just dont really no what to do,
I guess i have to just keep focusing on me and taking the steps to get better,and i will because i want to be happy
loads of hugs to you suger, be good to yourself,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 12
So far, so good
I wanted to reply because my husband is going through the same thing.
I THOUGHT that I would have to tip-toe around him when he returned from in-patient (last Sunday) and he DOES get awfully grumpy at what seem to be the oddest times. He's also gaining a lot of weight because he's eating ALOT more than he did when he was drinking.
Its difficult for me to not "nag" him about not doing things around the house and eating so much candy. (This is a 32 year old who never liked sweets). He does not have a license and so I drive him to outpatient in the morning and to AA meetings at night- for not so much as a thank you!
So, what when I feel that resentment growing, I stop, take a deep breath and ask my HP for guidance. For the most part, with His help, I have been able to shut my mouth and focus on the positive: 7 days sober (3 days inpatient, 4 days outpatient, 4 AA meetings) My motto lately has been "so far, so good". It keeps me focused on the positive and on moving forward.
I have been reading the Big Book, learning about alcoholism and its effects (like craving sweets) and things are starting to click. I never was one for religion before but I seem to have "seen the light" so to speak. I found that carrying my baggage and my husband's (and my friends' and coworkers' and family's etc etc) was AWFULLY heavy. Once I allowed my HP to show up at baggage claim and walk away with it, I felt much lighter, and much more at peace.
I guess I'm just saying that life is much easier one day at a time and if the grass isn't mowed RIGHT THIS SECOND, it really isn't so bad. (I have this problem of asking my husband to do something and expecting he will do it immediately).
Maybe try to take a step back and breathe...focus on you and focus on the positive things you have with your husband.
I'm with ya, Sugar! Hang in there...
Hugs, Glow
I THOUGHT that I would have to tip-toe around him when he returned from in-patient (last Sunday) and he DOES get awfully grumpy at what seem to be the oddest times. He's also gaining a lot of weight because he's eating ALOT more than he did when he was drinking.
Its difficult for me to not "nag" him about not doing things around the house and eating so much candy. (This is a 32 year old who never liked sweets). He does not have a license and so I drive him to outpatient in the morning and to AA meetings at night- for not so much as a thank you!
So, what when I feel that resentment growing, I stop, take a deep breath and ask my HP for guidance. For the most part, with His help, I have been able to shut my mouth and focus on the positive: 7 days sober (3 days inpatient, 4 days outpatient, 4 AA meetings) My motto lately has been "so far, so good". It keeps me focused on the positive and on moving forward.
I have been reading the Big Book, learning about alcoholism and its effects (like craving sweets) and things are starting to click. I never was one for religion before but I seem to have "seen the light" so to speak. I found that carrying my baggage and my husband's (and my friends' and coworkers' and family's etc etc) was AWFULLY heavy. Once I allowed my HP to show up at baggage claim and walk away with it, I felt much lighter, and much more at peace.
I guess I'm just saying that life is much easier one day at a time and if the grass isn't mowed RIGHT THIS SECOND, it really isn't so bad. (I have this problem of asking my husband to do something and expecting he will do it immediately).
Maybe try to take a step back and breathe...focus on you and focus on the positive things you have with your husband.
I'm with ya, Sugar! Hang in there...
Hugs, Glow
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Denton Texas
Posts: 92
I agree with what everyone has posted. It is very frustrating. BUT I must admit that focusing on myself, instead of my A, has made me concentrate on me. I've rediscovered a hobby I put down months ago and am really enjoying a creative outlet. I feel good about this and its been a long time that I have allowed myself to feel good.....
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Climbing outa da Black Hole
Posts: 146
Hi Sugar,
I know how frustrating it is going thru this period. I agree with what everyone said here. I would take this time while he is focusing on himself, to start focusing on yourself and your recovery. Be selfish about it, your recovery is important also. Neither of you got to where you are today overnight, and your not going to be all recovered overnight. It's it going to be a lifelong process, one day at a time. Melody Beattie has some excellent books that help us. I also read the Big Book, it really was an eye opener to me to understand what all was going on with addiction.
Take Care of yourself
I know how frustrating it is going thru this period. I agree with what everyone said here. I would take this time while he is focusing on himself, to start focusing on yourself and your recovery. Be selfish about it, your recovery is important also. Neither of you got to where you are today overnight, and your not going to be all recovered overnight. It's it going to be a lifelong process, one day at a time. Melody Beattie has some excellent books that help us. I also read the Big Book, it really was an eye opener to me to understand what all was going on with addiction.
Take Care of yourself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
hey guys,
thanks for being out there. i'mlistening and processing. reading the melody books, reading my odat and ctoc. i get lonely and thank god you guys are out there. i just don't feel so alone anymore since i found you guys.
thanks again!!
hugs sugar
thanks for being out there. i'mlistening and processing. reading the melody books, reading my odat and ctoc. i get lonely and thank god you guys are out there. i just don't feel so alone anymore since i found you guys.
thanks again!!
hugs sugar
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