Need some advice about my daughter
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Need some advice about my daughter
Hi Friends,
My daughter is almost 19 and home for the summer from her first year of college. She has a job but she likes to sleep late and go out at night until all hours. It drives my husband crazy because he is the one the stays up and worries about her. I seem to be able to sleep and assume she will be home sometime during the night. Last week she was at a party and got a citation for underage drinking, she blew a .03 on the breathalizer, but they gave everyone under 21 a ticket. Hubby told her she must be home by 3am, not a minute later. Last night she didn't come home by 3 and hubby woke me up with his worries and anger. So then I really did start worrying. We woke up my son and asked him where he thought she would be and he went out looking for her. No response. At 6am she calls home saying she is sorry, she fell asleep at her friends house.
So here I am at work, tired from lack of sleep, didn't go to the gym. Feeling yuch. What is reasonable regarding a curfew for a 19 year old girl home from college? She is somewhat responsible and did fairly well in school last year, although not great. But her friends are marginal and often not as successful at school as she is, it worries me.
Hubby was saying last night that it is my fault if something has happened to her because I am allowing her to be out all night etc.
Please help me with your thoughts. thanks
My daughter is almost 19 and home for the summer from her first year of college. She has a job but she likes to sleep late and go out at night until all hours. It drives my husband crazy because he is the one the stays up and worries about her. I seem to be able to sleep and assume she will be home sometime during the night. Last week she was at a party and got a citation for underage drinking, she blew a .03 on the breathalizer, but they gave everyone under 21 a ticket. Hubby told her she must be home by 3am, not a minute later. Last night she didn't come home by 3 and hubby woke me up with his worries and anger. So then I really did start worrying. We woke up my son and asked him where he thought she would be and he went out looking for her. No response. At 6am she calls home saying she is sorry, she fell asleep at her friends house.
So here I am at work, tired from lack of sleep, didn't go to the gym. Feeling yuch. What is reasonable regarding a curfew for a 19 year old girl home from college? She is somewhat responsible and did fairly well in school last year, although not great. But her friends are marginal and often not as successful at school as she is, it worries me.
Hubby was saying last night that it is my fault if something has happened to her because I am allowing her to be out all night etc.
Please help me with your thoughts. thanks
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Rose,
Wow, this is a toughy. I remember coming home from my first year of college. It's hard to go from doing whatever you want, whenever you want to having to deal with a curfew.
I solved it by staying on campus and taking summer classes so I wouldn't have to come home.
What does hubby think could happen to her that wouldn't happen to her on campus? Just a thought...
But the bottom line is this: If your daughter wants to stay under your roof, she has to abide by your rules or face some consequences. So I guess you and hubby need to come up with a plan and some boundaries (remember that word?) and present them to her. If she doesn't like it, she can find somewhere else to stay.
Good to see you again!
Hugs,
JG
Wow, this is a toughy. I remember coming home from my first year of college. It's hard to go from doing whatever you want, whenever you want to having to deal with a curfew.
I solved it by staying on campus and taking summer classes so I wouldn't have to come home.
What does hubby think could happen to her that wouldn't happen to her on campus? Just a thought...
But the bottom line is this: If your daughter wants to stay under your roof, she has to abide by your rules or face some consequences. So I guess you and hubby need to come up with a plan and some boundaries (remember that word?
) and present them to her. If she doesn't like it, she can find somewhere else to stay.Good to see you again!
Hugs,
JG
Your home...your rules must be respected.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Carol, no she doesn't work nights, she gets off at 8:30pm the latest.
Journeygal, yes this is a tough one as I also remember a simular problem after college. I don't want to push her to move out, but I don't want to provide no boundaries.
Hubby established the boundary about being home at 3am. Since she went beyond that he has told her she cannot go anywhere except to work for two weeks. We will see how that works. I think 3am is a reasonable boundary. Boy is this stuff hard.
Journeygal, yes this is a tough one as I also remember a simular problem after college. I don't want to push her to move out, but I don't want to provide no boundaries.
Hubby established the boundary about being home at 3am. Since she went beyond that he has told her she cannot go anywhere except to work for two weeks. We will see how that works. I think 3am is a reasonable boundary. Boy is this stuff hard.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Grounding a 19 year old might be more than hubby can handle...that means if she sticks to it she will always be there. Kinda like grounding yourself!
Does she use your car? Does she use your phone? Is there something that she values that you can take if she isn't home when you say?
For me...when the Beav has been home...I need my sleep and it is my house. If he wasn't going to be home call before my bedtime so I can lock the house! He never had a key...
Does she use your car? Does she use your phone? Is there something that she values that you can take if she isn't home when you say?
For me...when the Beav has been home...I need my sleep and it is my house. If he wasn't going to be home call before my bedtime so I can lock the house! He never had a key...
This is NOT my first Rodeo
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 28
I agree with JT. A key is something that is earned... and if she can abide by your rules and your boundaries and a curfew, then she gets one!
Perhaps you can discuss with her at a rational moment... it's not about control and power, its about mutual respect. If she can see things from your point of view and not feel oppressed, she might be a bit more reasonable.
Good luck!
TBK
Perhaps you can discuss with her at a rational moment... it's not about control and power, its about mutual respect. If she can see things from your point of view and not feel oppressed, she might be a bit more reasonable.
Good luck!
TBK
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Thanks folks, yes she drives my car and I pay for her cell phone. I think she does understand that her Dad worries about her but doesn't want to change her behavior based on his needs. We do need to talk this out because I don't want it to be a control issue. It is funny, alanon has really helped me understand that my kids have theor own life and that I need to let them make their own decisions. Hubby on the other hand is getting a taste of his own medicine and he doesn't like it. He is watching someone he cares about make decisions that he thinks are unsafe and harmful and he is unable to do anything about it. Welcome to my world............
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