lonelyctg

Hi everyone. Trying to figure out why I use. Why do I abuse? My husband looks at porn all day while I am at work. One excuse. He sees my tears fall down my face and doesn't give a damn. So I pop another pill in my mouth. So easy.
So easy for him to see me hurting, yet he continues to save disgusting pictures of naked woman on cd's.
Do I blame him for my using? No, not really. I chose to put the drugs in my mouth. No one makes me do it. Maybe I keep telling myself that if I had a reason to stop taking them, if I felt like I was worth a damn... then maybe I would stop doing it.
The pain in my heart over what my husband does to me feels like it is killing me. The fact that he does not love me enough to stop what he is doing makes me want to take more drugs. It's not enough for me to want to stop for myself anymore. My self esteem is too low. I feel like my heart is broken into a million pieces.
Why aren't I worth enough to him to make him stop doing what he is doing? When I cry in front of him, is he blind?????? What is it going to take for him to wake up? Yeah, I know, I am the one that needs to wake up. I know.
Sorry guys, I know this is lots to read. I just need to get it out.
Thanks for listening.

In memory of miracle

Hi and welcome

I am sorry you are feeling so bad right now. My self esteem was really low to when I was using. Are you ready to stop? I promise you it will be the best thing you have ever done for yourself. Your husband sounds like he has his own addiction to porn.Have an honest talk with your Doctor and check out NA in your area. You are worth it.

Bless, Trish

angelgirl

[QUOTE=lonelyctg]Hi everyone. Trying to figure out why I use. Why do I abuse?

You answer your own question in your next sentence
.
if I felt like I was worth a damn...

This is one reason

My self esteem is too low.

This is another reason
I just need to get it out.

Yes, you need to get it out. I do to. But your husband really IS NOT the reason you use. I popped pills also, and needed help. You need to get some outside help if you aren't recieving any. There are MANY avenues available for help. There is your local mental heath center, they can at least direct you the right way, possibly to a detox center. There are local crisis help lines, they are EXCELLENT for help. There is also NA or AA. There are also alot of other recovery sources, some churches have 12 step groups.
You do not need to be a religious person.
PLEASE get some help. Your husband is not to blame. I blamed my husband for everything that went wrong, and that JUST gave me A REASON to keep on using.
WELCOME, ther are so many wonderful people here. Just get some help please, you ARE worth it. Love, Becky

angelgirl

Yes miraclen is right, your husband has his own addicitions he could also use help for. But that doesn't really have anything to do with you, you need to seek help for yourself. He will, when he finds he needs to. Love, Becky

Anna

Hi Lonely,

I'm sorry for the sadness of your situation but you truly need to help yourself. You cannot change your husband or make him care more about you. I wish it was that simple, but it isn't. You are worth taking care of yourself and living your life for yourself.

Love, Anna

michski

awww.. ((((( poor baby )))))

Sounds like an awful situation you have on your hands! Like someone else already said, you can't help him because he needs to deal with his own addiction to pornography and probably nothing you do or say will change his addictive behavior. The good news is you can help yourself and at least not fall deeper into the downward spiral of addiction. When I tried to deal with my late husband's alcoholism it just drove us further apart and worse, I developed a "if you can't beat them, join them" attitude which only turned into a nightmare for me... I fell into a state of uncomprehensible demoralization and even attempted suicide. I did all this because I thought if he loved me then he would stop. Boy, did that ever hurt me. I remember the first rehab doctor telling me (I had told him my H would never stop drinking) that I would have to leave him. Needless to say I was in a state of total despair. But he was so unsupportive of me and so very unkind that as my sober days continued to add up I found it easier to get out and find another life for myself. My self esteem soared and I had so many friends and such great support, both online and in meetings, that I just became "open" to change. I'm still sober and he died of colon cancer.. what can I say except to suggest you get into a program and save yourself and maybe you will leave him to continue his addiction to porno world alone...
You gotta start somewhere because you sound just miserable. Keep in touch with SR because there are so many truly caring people here who have walked in your shoes at one time or another.

jazpoppy

I used because i am lonely, depressed, scared, anxious, and feel out of control of my own life. I got divorced, had migraine headaches almost daily, and had friends giving me percocet and vicodin, then someone sold me oxycontin, I bought that for a while, then switched to buying methadone because it was cheaper and lasted longer. I was miserable! I would detox, with beer and xanax, then go right back to the pills. I blamed it on my mother and my ex-husband. My ex was my soul mate, he really was, but we just got married way too young, and he started smothering me, controlling the money, controlling what I wore, where I went, who I talked to, and half the time he didn't have a job, so I had the sole responsiblity of supporting him, my son, myself and 5-bedroom house! It became unbearable! He drove me nuts when I told him I wanted a divorce. He made me feel like I was a worthless inconsiderate piece of sh@#$. He blamed everything on me, he cried daily for me to stay, and i had to live with him for 2 months after we seperated because I had no where else to go. I kicked him out, he forced his way back saying that this was his house too and if I wanted out, I should leave, so I moved in with my mom who was getting a divorce also from my dad, so my dad moved out and I moved it. My mom is an active alcoholic and she took EVERYTHING out on me! We could not live together. I overdosed on methadone while living there. I just didn't know what I was doing, where I was going, and thought that I was worthless. Pills made me feel sooooo good, but when they wore off, I felt soooo bad, and I spent a lot of money on them! I didn't know about online pharmacies at the time (thank god!) but I had plenty of suppliers in the area! Plus the ER would give me vicodin for my migraines. I got my own appartment, stayed sober for a month or so, but then started drinking alcohol because I never thought I had a problem with that, but then I ended up right back on pills. I found out about poppy tea (crushing dried opium poppy pods and making a tea out of them) it made me feel higher than anything! I discovered that it was really morphine! I was on those daily! I got off of them after a suboxone detox (it only lasted a week and was not long enough!). I then herniated a disk in my back, broke my ankle and developed painful tendonitis in my other ankle all around the same time, so I was referred to a pain clinic. Guess what they gave me??? Percocet without tylenol! All I could eat!! *LOL* I followed their rules very strictly, except that I was getting more perocet on the side so I didn't have to call in my script early. Well, one time I could not get percoset and I was out! I panicked and someone gave me a bunch of Morphine (MS CONTIN Pills), I took those, but then had to do a urine test at the clinic. They were testing for Percoset only! So my urine came back CLEAN!!! They retested me for ALL Opiates the following week (I had no idea that they did the first test) and for some strange reason (maybe God???) it came back CLEAN OF ALL OPIATES!!!! I was dumbfounded, and I cried and cried in the office, because they took me off the program cold-turkey accusing me of "DIVERTING" my pills for money or to "help" another drug addict! I was like, test me again, please!!! But they would not. So I got really sick! I started buying the poppies again, and lived on those until March of this year. That's when I found a really nice suboxone doctor, I have been on the program since March 5th!!! I did have a relapse but it wasn't opiates, I did some cocaine for a couple of weeks and drank beers. I realized that I am still in danger of justifiying "self-medication". I found out that I have ADHD, and have been on medication for that, its been great! I have NO cravings for cocaine or opiates or alcohol most of the time! But I still have those days where I feel that I "NEED" something to help my mood! What do I do??? I go to a meeting right away if I can, OR, I get onto SOBER RECOVERY!!! This site has saved my a## so many times!

I am sorry my story was so long, but I wanted to tell it to you. I helps me feel better to try to help someone else! Welcome to SR! Hang in there, and keep coming back!

Luv

Jocelyn

Time2Surrender

I used to use for fun.Partied with my friends.Then I used to numb my pain.In the long run it only intensified it.Today I deal with it.CLEAN and SOBER One day at a time.