Steve W. - Seek help for what you can't control
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 59
Steve W. - Seek help for what you can't control
Seek help for what you can't control
2005-06-06
There's a saying around the rooms of recovery that an expectation is a premeditated resentment.
It's one of those little clichés we use to keep ourselves in check. It's a way of helping to overcome our natural tendencies, as addicts, to try and control everything.
In active addiction, one of the things that kept me sick for so long was the illusion of control I thought I had over my own life. I could rationalize and justify my behavior by pretending that I meant to do all these things that were destroying me and hurting the ones I love. As long as I believed, however falsely, that I was intentionally acting a certain way and doing certain things, then I could promise myself that I would make up for them later.
Because to think otherwise -- to see my behavior for what it actually was, to know that I couldn't stop doing drugs and was doing permanent emotional damage to myself and others -- was just too horrible to contemplate. It's a survival mechanism, I suppose, one that our disease creates in much the same way a cancer cell or the HIV virus can protect itself from the human body's immune system. Because if I understood the full measure of my addiction and the damage it was causing, I would have immediately sought help or ended my own life.
My disease didn't want me to get help. It wants every addict it controls to prolong the pain and misery of active addiction, because those are the conditions in which it thrives. So it manifests itself most prominently in irrational thinking, of which the illusion of control is probably the biggest example.
In recovery, we learn that we're powerless over our addiction and that it makes our lives unmanageable. Once we come to accept that, we come a long way toward understanding that thinking we can control the use of drugs, in any form, is insanity.
Taking that a step further, we also learn that there's very little we actually do control. As a good friend of mine in the rooms often points out, I have control over only four things in my life -- what I do, what I say, how I treat other people and how I treat myself. Everything else is beyond my control, including my own thoughts. I can't begin to describe the crazy thoughts that pop into my head on occasion -- but what I do have control over is the choice on whether to act out on those thoughts.
Once we realize that we have no control over other people, places or things, we learn acceptance, which is critical in helping us to live life on life's terms. To put it plainly, we come to understand that nothing and no one answers to us -- we have no control over the weather, the tardiness of another individual, traffic, our bosses, etc., etc.
And to expect someone else to behave a certain way or do a certain thing just because that's what we want them to do -- well, that's setting ourselves up to get angry and frustrated when it doesn't happen. Anger, frustration and the inability to accept life on life's terms are huge triggers for us, because the way we dealt with such things in the past was by getting high.
By accepting our powerlessness and inability to control anyone else, we free ourselves from the things that annoy, frustrate and anger us. Expecting certain actions or behaviors out of other individuals is foolish, because human behavior is unpredictable and often defies conventional explanation.
Despite that little mantra, we inevitably come to expect certain things from people, especially when it comes to friends, family and spouses. Sometimes, there's no avoiding those expectations -- for example, as a married man, I expect my wife to be faithful, and she expects it of me. That's the very nature of such a relationship.
Regardless, I have to remember that I have absolutely no control over my wife, or my best friend or my brother. I may expect certain things from them, but they won't always meet those expectations, because I have no control over their actions.
Just for today, I accept that and will do my best to keep what expectations I do have from becoming resentments when things don't go my way.
from: The Daily Times http://www.thedailytimes.com/sited/story/html/209006
Steve Wildsmith is a recovering addict and the Weekend editor for The Daily Times. Contact him at [email protected] or at 981-1144.
2005-06-06
There's a saying around the rooms of recovery that an expectation is a premeditated resentment.
It's one of those little clichés we use to keep ourselves in check. It's a way of helping to overcome our natural tendencies, as addicts, to try and control everything.
In active addiction, one of the things that kept me sick for so long was the illusion of control I thought I had over my own life. I could rationalize and justify my behavior by pretending that I meant to do all these things that were destroying me and hurting the ones I love. As long as I believed, however falsely, that I was intentionally acting a certain way and doing certain things, then I could promise myself that I would make up for them later.
Because to think otherwise -- to see my behavior for what it actually was, to know that I couldn't stop doing drugs and was doing permanent emotional damage to myself and others -- was just too horrible to contemplate. It's a survival mechanism, I suppose, one that our disease creates in much the same way a cancer cell or the HIV virus can protect itself from the human body's immune system. Because if I understood the full measure of my addiction and the damage it was causing, I would have immediately sought help or ended my own life.
My disease didn't want me to get help. It wants every addict it controls to prolong the pain and misery of active addiction, because those are the conditions in which it thrives. So it manifests itself most prominently in irrational thinking, of which the illusion of control is probably the biggest example.
In recovery, we learn that we're powerless over our addiction and that it makes our lives unmanageable. Once we come to accept that, we come a long way toward understanding that thinking we can control the use of drugs, in any form, is insanity.
Taking that a step further, we also learn that there's very little we actually do control. As a good friend of mine in the rooms often points out, I have control over only four things in my life -- what I do, what I say, how I treat other people and how I treat myself. Everything else is beyond my control, including my own thoughts. I can't begin to describe the crazy thoughts that pop into my head on occasion -- but what I do have control over is the choice on whether to act out on those thoughts.
Once we realize that we have no control over other people, places or things, we learn acceptance, which is critical in helping us to live life on life's terms. To put it plainly, we come to understand that nothing and no one answers to us -- we have no control over the weather, the tardiness of another individual, traffic, our bosses, etc., etc.
And to expect someone else to behave a certain way or do a certain thing just because that's what we want them to do -- well, that's setting ourselves up to get angry and frustrated when it doesn't happen. Anger, frustration and the inability to accept life on life's terms are huge triggers for us, because the way we dealt with such things in the past was by getting high.
By accepting our powerlessness and inability to control anyone else, we free ourselves from the things that annoy, frustrate and anger us. Expecting certain actions or behaviors out of other individuals is foolish, because human behavior is unpredictable and often defies conventional explanation.
Despite that little mantra, we inevitably come to expect certain things from people, especially when it comes to friends, family and spouses. Sometimes, there's no avoiding those expectations -- for example, as a married man, I expect my wife to be faithful, and she expects it of me. That's the very nature of such a relationship.
Regardless, I have to remember that I have absolutely no control over my wife, or my best friend or my brother. I may expect certain things from them, but they won't always meet those expectations, because I have no control over their actions.
Just for today, I accept that and will do my best to keep what expectations I do have from becoming resentments when things don't go my way.
from: The Daily Times http://www.thedailytimes.com/sited/story/html/209006
Steve Wildsmith is a recovering addict and the Weekend editor for The Daily Times. Contact him at [email protected] or at 981-1144.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
