Seventy & Off

Two months ago, I left my husband to live 8 hours away in another state. I have fought with him for years about moving to be close to family. Money is not an issue. He is happy enough where we live even knowing that I am unhappy. But I did not leave only for this reason. I left mainly because of my husbands drinking. He is 70 years of age. I am 69. My four children and I believe he has Alzheimer’s disease, at least the beginning stages. His memory loss is noticeable especially when he is drinking, and he refuses to go see a doctor. I have a hard time dealing with him. Sometimes he say's his drinking is my fault. He talks like this when I ask him not to drink or when I get upset because he drinks. After months of struggling with him to see a doctor and make some changes, he seems to get worse in his drinking. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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Now since I've been gone, he is causing a big ruckus telling family members. plus others that he misses me, and that loves me. He does this at 2, 3, 4 o’clock in the morning drunk. Three of my children were concerned and traveled miles to go see him this last week end, because when he is drinking he talks about having a gun and that he does not want to live anymore. <o:p></o:p>

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Sometimes it's hard to know if he just likes to pull strings, or if it's his drinking or the Alzheimer’s that is making him hard to be deal with and hard to talk to. <o:p></o:p>

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We have a very nice home. Now I am living in a small Mobil home practically in poverty, but at least I'm happy to be away. <o:p></o:p>

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I would appreciate some responses on this matter. Like, should I go back or stay gone, or what.

jcw1964

Seventy, Welcome and you are among friends. I have found so much love, help and support here. My wife is an addict and I have learned so much both here and in face to face al-anon meetings. I would suggest that you go to a meeting in your area, you will find wonderful people that can also give you the support that you need.

First thing, you didnt cause your husband to drink. It was his choice. Most addicts dont want to believe that it was their choice, because then the responsibility for all of the chaos is on them.
Second, He is playing the victim by saying that he misses you to others and "beating" you down when you are there. The suicide statements are the same thing. They build him up as the victim so that people give him sympathy. Even though his actions and choices have caused the current situation.
Lastly, I dont think that anyone can tell you to leave him or go back. I have learned that we all have to make those choices for ourselves. We have to determine what is best for us. We have to decide what we kind of behavior we will accept from those around us. We cant change anyone but ourselves. I have applied the al-anon principles to many areas of my life with alot of success. There are meetings online, the schedule is on the newcomers board. Check them out. Ask questions or just listen to others. Let them know that you are a "newbie" and they will answer any questions you have. I would also suggest going to local al-anon meetings.
Dont hesitate to ask questions, at one time we were all new here. You have come to the right place.
God Bless
Jeff

2dayzmuse

(((Seventy & Off)))

Welcome. Jeff gave you great advice. The only other thing I could add would be...go with your heart. What is it telling you to do? Whatever it is you decide to do, I wish the best in making a tough situation better.

JessicaNAJ

Welcome Seventy!!

I agree with the others. Great advice!!

I have nothing to add except a hug

((((()))))

jojo

Seventy -

You need to do what feels right for you. Alcoholism causes brain damage that could be totally unrelated to Alzheimer's. You say that money is not a problem and yet you are living at near poverty level. You are entitled to half of all that the two of you have accumulated over the years if you decide to divorce him and even if you just want a separation to figure you what is best for you, you are entitled to have enough money to live decently. Don't you have joint accounts that you can get access to? I guess I'm just trying to tell you to take care of yourself and know that you aren't responsible for the condition that he is in. He has made his choices and you shouldn't have to live in a situation that has become too difficult to handle.

Big hugs, Jo

Seventy & Off

to
jcw1964,
JessicaNAJ,
2dayzmuse,
and Jojo

I have sent your responses to some members of my family because I agree with what you have to say. My grown daughter is going to attempt to get my husband to the doctor somehow, to have him checked for Alzheimers. Hopefully she will have better luck than I did. I will let you know how things progress.

Thanks a bunch to all of you who took the time to write. I will never forget the wise words.

equus

This might help for some info:
Alcohol and the risk of Alziemers
Aging and alcohol abuse

Not sure whether they help your situation but I hope it helps with family etc.

nocellphone

Seventy...

Glad you're here. There are wise people around this site, and you might consider finding an Al-Anon meeting in your area. There you may find others who have struggled with similar issues as your own and have found solutions, as well.

I hope you find some answers soon...