Spoiled drinking
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Join Date: Jan 2005
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Spoiled drinking
In 1980 I went to AA for three months. Decided that as I was only 21 yrs old I was a potential alcoholic as distinct from a fully blown one. So I went back out there.
Every time I drank I was conscious of my actions and imediately unhappy. I decided that AA had messed with my head and went to see a psychiatrist in the hope of undoing the damage AA had done to my mind. I wanted to go back to AA and beat to death the b***rd who took me to my first meeting. lol.
In 1982 I had to stop drinking despite my confusion and years of sobriety later I was able to work out what the problem had really been.
Before I ever went to AA I was in trouble with alcohol. But I blamed it on everyone and everything else. Girlfriend, bad breaks, I had always justified my drinking. After I went to AA I learnt one crucial thing. Despite still blaming girlfriends and the state of the world for my drinking, noone marched me to the pub, put a glass in my hand, bent my elbow, and tipped it down my throat. I was responsible for this. So AA had been the medium to spoil my drinking. I could never return to drinking in ignorance and blaming others. Everytime I drank I knew there was no justification to blame others and it was an act of MY behaviour. My awareness ruined my drinking from the first drink. I could not unlearn this awareness. From the first drink I would feel guilty from now on, so effectively drinking to escape feelings would never be possible again. Its a bit like a vaccination where you can take all the drink you want, but once I knew I was the problem, I was immune from the escape I desired.
Every time I drank I was conscious of my actions and imediately unhappy. I decided that AA had messed with my head and went to see a psychiatrist in the hope of undoing the damage AA had done to my mind. I wanted to go back to AA and beat to death the b***rd who took me to my first meeting. lol.
In 1982 I had to stop drinking despite my confusion and years of sobriety later I was able to work out what the problem had really been.
Before I ever went to AA I was in trouble with alcohol. But I blamed it on everyone and everything else. Girlfriend, bad breaks, I had always justified my drinking. After I went to AA I learnt one crucial thing. Despite still blaming girlfriends and the state of the world for my drinking, noone marched me to the pub, put a glass in my hand, bent my elbow, and tipped it down my throat. I was responsible for this. So AA had been the medium to spoil my drinking. I could never return to drinking in ignorance and blaming others. Everytime I drank I knew there was no justification to blame others and it was an act of MY behaviour. My awareness ruined my drinking from the first drink. I could not unlearn this awareness. From the first drink I would feel guilty from now on, so effectively drinking to escape feelings would never be possible again. Its a bit like a vaccination where you can take all the drink you want, but once I knew I was the problem, I was immune from the escape I desired.
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Join Date: May 2005
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Isn't it something how truth comes in and alters us forever. We know truth when we hear it and it becomes a part of us. Sometimes it friggin hurts...OUCH! But it always sets us free...sometimes sooner sometimes later.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
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Originally Posted by Andy F
So AA had been the medium to spoil my drinking. I could never return to drinking in ignorance and blaming others. Everytime I drank I knew there was no justification to blame others and it was an act of MY behaviour. My awareness ruined my drinking from the first drink. I could not unlearn this awareness. From the first drink I would feel guilty from now on, so effectively drinking to escape feelings would never be possible again. Its a bit like a vaccination where you can take all the drink you want, but once I knew I was the problem, I was immune from the escape I desired.
Yep, that's the way education works isn't it? I've tried too many times to get back in that space I used to be in when I enjoyed drinking.. but now it just seems so boring I never think of testing those booze waters again!
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Akron, Ohio
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It's interesting you brought this up. Tonight, for a few minutes, I disregarded everything and came dangerously close to getting a bottle of wine. On the way to the gas station, I began thinking. And thinking and thinking and thinking. Who was I kidding? I knew that I wouldn't enjoy my drinking. I'd have nothing but AA stuff running through my head the entire time, plus I'd feel guilty about having to tell my sponsor in the morning and my home group that I slipped. I'd be back at day one again. I asked myself if it was worth it. I wouldn't enjoy it and wouldn't escape anything, so what would be the point of trying to get drunk? So I went home. Darn AA! Ha ha!
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Originally Posted by Lilalkie
I knew that I wouldn't enjoy my drinking. I'd have nothing but AA stuff running through my head the entire time, plus I'd feel guilty about having to tell my sponsor in the morning and my home group that I slipped. I'd be back at day one again. I asked myself if it was worth it. I wouldn't enjoy it and wouldn't escape anything, so what would be the point of trying to get drunk? So I went home. Darn AA! Ha ha!
You echo and obviously understand the entire point of my post.
and the cornerstone of my sobriety.Of course, this truth makes me a tormented soul who understands that a drink will never provide relief and so I have a desperate problem to learn new ways of dealing with me. But a drink will never provide the answer, the relief from myself that I am looking for.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
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i disagree in a way, last time i went out......... everytime i went out i had a great time! AA did not ruin my drinking. maybe i'm just an above average liar who can fool himself who knows, but i had a blast!!!!
the thing/things that keep me sober today are the troubles that come after my drinking is over, by that i mean facing up to family the next day, to work the day after, LOL and sometimes even to the judge!!!
it's the misery that comes with the drink i don't want again...... in other words i ain't afraid of the yets, but i'm scared poopieless of the AGAINS!
but pouring that first one down my throat was quite enjoyable as i remember, and the next thousand behind it! but just as there is a price tag on my bottle of beer, there is also a pricetag on the fun i'm about to have! and the fun just isn't worth the misery anymore.
i still remember everything that happened that day, july 3rd, 2003, maybe i'll tell it to you sometime. i envy those of you who suffered black outs, you get to forget, i remember every stupid thing i did!!!!!!!! LOL
the thing/things that keep me sober today are the troubles that come after my drinking is over, by that i mean facing up to family the next day, to work the day after, LOL and sometimes even to the judge!!!
it's the misery that comes with the drink i don't want again...... in other words i ain't afraid of the yets, but i'm scared poopieless of the AGAINS!
but pouring that first one down my throat was quite enjoyable as i remember, and the next thousand behind it! but just as there is a price tag on my bottle of beer, there is also a pricetag on the fun i'm about to have! and the fun just isn't worth the misery anymore.
i still remember everything that happened that day, july 3rd, 2003, maybe i'll tell it to you sometime. i envy those of you who suffered black outs, you get to forget, i remember every stupid thing i did!!!!!!!! LOL
Peace begins with a smile
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 173
Wow...
I was just sitting here thinking, "This sucks. I sometimes wish I never entered the halls". I went to three AA meetings in a row back in October, on the third one something hit me hard. This woman spoke who I identifyed with so much, and I started to cry at the meeting, because all at once I knew there was no more denying it. I ran out after that meeting and went back out. I spent the next 6 months in misery simply because I knew. I could have fun when I went out still, but most days I was simply tormented knowing there was a road to a solution to my problems but I refused to take it. That alone can kill ones soul, self esteem, etc. The days when I was nieve and innocent to my problem were so much fun, but I could never get back there. I finally surrendered 44 days ago to end the torment in my mind and most of my 24 hours I'm extremely grateful that I found that courage. But sometimes I just wish I could get those nieve days back. But I do know, that's a fantasy. I am still young, and sometimes that eats at me too, but I know that I started on this path for a reason, a reason I may never know. But if I go back out, I would be taking my will back and only be tormenting myself further.
I just wanted to comment since I was just thinking about this.
I sometimes wonder if I could go back out and actually have fun, but I know that I would have to get really, really drunk in order to sqaush everything I now know about myself.
I was just sitting here thinking, "This sucks. I sometimes wish I never entered the halls". I went to three AA meetings in a row back in October, on the third one something hit me hard. This woman spoke who I identifyed with so much, and I started to cry at the meeting, because all at once I knew there was no more denying it. I ran out after that meeting and went back out. I spent the next 6 months in misery simply because I knew. I could have fun when I went out still, but most days I was simply tormented knowing there was a road to a solution to my problems but I refused to take it. That alone can kill ones soul, self esteem, etc. The days when I was nieve and innocent to my problem were so much fun, but I could never get back there. I finally surrendered 44 days ago to end the torment in my mind and most of my 24 hours I'm extremely grateful that I found that courage. But sometimes I just wish I could get those nieve days back. But I do know, that's a fantasy. I am still young, and sometimes that eats at me too, but I know that I started on this path for a reason, a reason I may never know. But if I go back out, I would be taking my will back and only be tormenting myself further.
I just wanted to comment since I was just thinking about this.
I sometimes wonder if I could go back out and actually have fun, but I know that I would have to get really, really drunk in order to sqaush everything I now know about myself.
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Thanks Andy for sharing. Yes AA/NA spoiled my using too. Last time I went out and used, all I had in my head was the stuff I had learned and it made me feel guilty.
I felt bad that I knew being sober was so much better, yet I continued to use. That was a senseless act on my part but it is all because Im an addict and that is what addicts do: use. I'm glad that I know of a better way now.
I felt bad that I knew being sober was so much better, yet I continued to use. That was a senseless act on my part but it is all because Im an addict and that is what addicts do: use. I'm glad that I know of a better way now.
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