bonbon

I know this may be a touchy subject, and I have debated while I have been sitting here in shock in my office, on if I should even put anything about this, but I figure it is my life, and you all are a part of my life.

I get a phone call from my father an hour ago. This is sad, but I do not want to hear his voice again for a very long time. He hurt me just that much. He said things to me I dont think any father should ever say to their daughter. I know in the past I have needed to lean on them for help. Financially and I've attempted to emotionally as well. We were never a touchy feely close family but we were close. I never went to college, my brother did and has a 6 figure income. I've always struggled.

I date outside of my race, (I guess that is the best way to put it) I always have, that is my choice and my preference. Well, my father has always had a problem with that. I have never allowed that opinion to interfer with me at all.

Needless to say, due to the fact he had heard I was seeing someone new, from my mother telling him(when I was seeing my new friend) he called me at work, and for an hour proceeded to tell me how I let my X-A ruin my life, and how I have just ruind my life as a whole. He kept reminding me about the fact I am bankrupt and have no money and that I am stupid. IN between all of this he kept telling me other severly hurtful things that I couldnt say here. I was shocked at some of the things he said to me. LIterally.

I sat paralized in my office. I am 30 years old and yes I have had a harder time in my life, but I am a strong person. I have a good job I have worked my ass of for, and I am happy now. I created all of this for myself.

The things he said to me make me not ever want to look at him again. Or talk to him for that matter. Does that make me a bad person? I am confused about that , we never had a "wonderful" relationship, but the way he has made me feel, makes me not want to acknowledge him as my father.

I am still shocked. Just wanted to share with you all, you guys are my family.

Morning Glory

Bonbon,

It is quite obvious to us that you are a wonderful person and we all care about you very much. You are an adult and have the right to live your life as you please. I'm sorry your father hurt you in this way. It is your choice whether you choose to distance yourself from your father. It wouldn't make you a bad person to do this. Setting up boundaries with our parents is ok too. Your father needs to speak to you appropriately and treat you with respect.

Hugs,

MG

JT

Bonbon,

I am a believer that people do the best they know how to do. Your father was raised during a time when dating outside your race was not a thing that was done. He is coming from his own reality.

Now that being said...you do not have to tolerate that. Understanding his position and believeing that what he said is the almighty truth are two different things. You know what kind of person you are. Here you are an insightful, thoughtful gal with a great sense of humor...are you faking? I doubt it. You have moved very far to believe the good things about yourself and just because he spews some rude phrases doesn't change who you are.

I personally, would like to caution you not to respond. Don't tell him, show him. And I just betcha he was blowing off steam and as time passes without validation from you he will feel regret. You are after all his daughter.

((((HUGS)))))
JT

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Bonbon,

He was out of line and you are naturally hurt and angered. But this, like so many other things can be taken one day at a time. You do not want to talk to your father today. You do not have to decide today if you ever want to speak to him again. You don't have to decide to pardon him before you are ready either, even if that takes a lot more 24s. That doesn't make you bad. It means you have learned a lot about being cautious in relationships, and that you realize you need boundaries when you are being injured. So I say you have learned something good about yourself today... that your sense of self worth is getting stronger. And that, my friend, is recovery.

Hugs,
Smoke

Kittycat

Hi Bonbon,
I am not sure how old your dad is but I could be your Mom...my one son is your age. I grew up with parents who were very biggoted..my dad especially. I am guessing you when you say out of your race you mean black? Well, funniest thing...my sister married a mexican and my son is married to a south american hispanic. So I told my dad this joke...you know when a mexican becomes a Spainiard? When he marrys YOUR daughter! He did not laugh...we all love our brother-in -law but i can tell you my dad was not happy for a long time. My daughter in law...well I could care less about her background...my son loves her and they have a beautiful daughter..
Now, your dad was proabaly having a case of the crazeeeeeeeeee's today being overprotective or determined to make you do things his way and all of that. Probably angry at himself for his own reasons, but I can sure relate to your anger. No one deserves to be called names and have their feelings torn up...heaven knows the A's do enough of that for us.
You are making sound choices...........let this cool off, and maybe write him a letter and tell him in a calm manner how you feel about the phone call and how much he has hurt you.

We all love you!
Love Kitty

bonbon

Hey all, and thanks so much for the words...
As I have had more time to think about this, I think the things he said to me were things he wanted to say for a long time. It was like a volvanoe erupting with him. It is still no exscuse for the things he said to me. I like what Smoke said, I don't have to choose today what I will do, but for now I choose to do nothing and not respond at all. I do not wish to talk to him, for a very long time. Thats how I feel right now about it. They live out of state from me, so seeing them only happens a few times a year. But I was close to my mother and it seemed like I was getting close to my father. I never knew he felt sooo strongly until today, it offended me and hurt me very badly.

I just wish I could be loved by them just simply for being their daughter. I wish I wouldn't be judged. That is what bothers me the most. I wish he could only realize how far he pushed me away after today.

I appreciate all of you sooo much...

tweetybird

I can really sympothize with you bonbon. As you know from my recent family encounters. It really hurts to hear things like that come from someone you really love. I will say that for me it was like getting punched in the stomach. It kinda made me stop and not react and that really helped me in dealing with everything. I just really "got into myself" and stopped any kind of help emotionally and financially that I was getting from them. In turn I was able to think much clearer for me!

Gotta go, babies crying - Good luck

Sherri

Josie

Bonbon,

(((HUGS)))