clyde

I talked to my husbands mom yesterday and asked her if he had always been emotionally distant. She said he had and that is why she felt he turned to alcohol in the first place. The thereipist is wondering if he is just one of those people that is just wired to be emotionally distant. I am just sitting here wondering what the heck I am going ot do if that is the case. Can I make him show emotion. I feel like I am drowning him by always telling him how i feel. I am very lost right now as to how to proceed. He is coming back in 2 weeks and I think we are both a little afraid.

prodigal

I am sitting here feeling emotionally abandoned, lost and confused after telling my AH (he's in recovery) I HAD to know at least SOMETHING that he'd learned about himself after so many intensive counseling sessions, detox, rehab, AA meetings, etc. I am in the same situation as you, only my AH is giving me a version that's supposedly what triggers his problem and his drinking. After 15 years in the military, being tossed all over the world, working in a career that is 24/7 deadly serious or having fun at the officers' club as the only way to unwind, he can't relate or feel comfortable with the "civilian world."

And, yes, my AH is emotionally detached. He claims he wasn't always that way, but what I'm seeing is the result of so many years in the military. He couldn't cope or feel as if he "fit in" in our world, so he drank to numb the feelings of pain.

Go figure. Now I'm sitting here feeling as lost and confused as ever - and unloved. Your post really struck a chord with me. Frankly, regardless of what career path an addict chooses, I think the detachment is just another aspect of the disease. You're dealing with a broken person who may get better or may remain in his detached state.

Just remember this: detached people ALWAYS need people around to be detached from.

ASpouse

No, I don't believe you can make or force him to show emotions. I'll also go out on a limb and say he does have them, but they are buried deep inside. My husband also does not seem to be very emotional. It could be because of his upbringing and possibly because I have so overwhelmed him with my own he buried his deeper.

I feel may alcoholics have lousy coping skills. Coping skills to deal with life throws their way or life so "hurts" them that they drink to avoid the emotional reality.

AA teaches the A to deal with life on lifes terms. This is coping. My husband has come a long way, he is almost 2 years clean and his sponsors and the program has changed his life and mine.

I totally disagree with the therapist who says he is just hard wired to be unemotional ....... get a new therapist. Someone who is totally void of emotions and has disregard for their actions and harm they can do to others is considered a sociopath I believe, your husband does not sound like a sociopath.

You need to understand and accept that he may never tell you about what he has gone through. That belongs to him, not to you. If he wants to share it then great, if not, then you need to accept that, support him in his recovery, do your recovery and grow together. Remember, this is not about you, but about him right now. Go to Al Anon and learn to live your life to the best of your ability. Your happiness does not depend on his recovery or non-recovery. It depends on you.

Accept and love your husband for who and what he is. You can't change him or make him emotional. Yes, in my opinion you are drowning him with your own emotions. This doesn't mean you don't deserve to have them, but what's hurting you is that you want him to have the same level of emotions as you do and he doesn't, at least right now. I hope he continues with meetings after he is home from rehab.

Kahlia

I agree with ASpouse.....he has those emotions...they may be buried so deep from God only knows what. My A father NEVER told me loved me..he did not know how to love anyone but his booze. He had issues dating back to childhood but refused to go to AA...said he did NOT have a problem??? I used to thin k that he was just a robot with NO feelings and then after I got to be an adult and addict, myself, I undertood. WE hide behind our emotions...we are afraid of what we may uncover....I uncovered things that still haunt me today. It is a sad thing but YOU may have to detach from him....he needs time to recover and I would imagine you are BOTH terrified at the prospect of him coming home. He is different and you have many issues of your own.....I hope you get help as well. We cannot FIX anybody, we can only help ousleves......Blessings.....Kahlia