turnerround

Hi everyone,

I'm very new to all of this and not sure if I should even be here. I'm not actually in a real relationship with an AH/CA, but am considering it. I met him a year and a half ago. I just had a very strong feeling when I laid eyes on him that we should be together, that it was important for him to be in my life. My instincts and intuitions are usually dead on and I trust them completely. I tried on several occasions to get together with him. I sent him letters, called, but I had no success until one year later. We went out for dinner and drinks a few times and had a wonderful time. He promised to call, but didn't. He was having major financial problems and was very depressed. I thought he went back to work. A month later I finally got a hold of him and found out that he wasn't doing anything. Just depressed. I tried to release him from my life, move on to someone else, but that feeling I had just stayed with me. 2 months later I call again, the day he got of rehab. He told me that he went through a very hard few years and that I was a light in his life. He had been drinking heavily for over 20 years and using drugs for at least 10. I understand his need for not wanting to tell me the truth about his addictions to alcohol and cocaine/crack before he went into recovery. He was embarrassed and ashamed. He was now living back with his parents who are both alcoholics. His mom is sober and helping him out, his dad is not, but working out of town. I think him having to ask for help is very difficult for him and living back with your parents at the age of 36 is also hard. I called him a week later and he was doing well. Just tired from all the newness of his programs. 2 weeks later, I went to his hometown to visit him. We talked of his recovery and he seemed well. We spent the night together. The next morning he was a little irritable with me. He had not slept at all and late getting up. He came back to my hotel after his meeting and we talked about the step he was on - 2. He also missed work that day and slept most of it. He then told me he was scared to get close to me because he didn't know who he is right now. I didn't say anything. He then said he couldn't stay and again I didn't say anything. When he walked out the room I finally understood the struggle he was going through and realized my being there disrupted the routine that he has to stick with. I sent him flowers and a note telling him this and that I was going to leave this in the hands of God and if there is something guiding us that hopefully he/she will lead us to each other. I said I wouldn't contact him until he was ready. The problem is I think about him all the time and need to have contact with him. I called a week later and he was nice but not overly excited to hear from me. He said he would call but hasn't. I left a message for him yesterday (2 weeks later) to call but he hasn't. What is this behavior? Is it normal after 90 days of sobriety. I'm heading down to his home area and would love to see him again. Do I call, do I go? Should I continue to pursue him? I just like him so much and am scared that by leaving this I will miss out on something great.
Any suggestions?
Thanks to any that can hopefully help.

minnie

Welcome to SR! Only you can decide if this place is for you. I hope you find out that it is.

You asked whether you should pursue him. My response would be no. It seems that he is giving you every indication that he is not ready for a relationship at this stage in his recovery.

My question to you would be why you seem unable to see this, or if you do see it, why you are ignoring it? And what is it in YOU that is attracted to someone who is so obviously troubled. Do you see your role as "saving" him from his troubles? If so, I would suggest reading all you can on here about life with addicts, recovering or not. Check out the book "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie.

Maybe you'll be missing out on something great by concentrating on this guy. Just a thought.

Love

Minnie
xxx

benefits

I agree with Minnie, I would not pursue a relationship with this man at this time. He has given you no indication that he wants a relationship with you and has told you he is not sure he is ready. If it is meant to be it will be. Let it in God's hands and he will give you what ever it is he intends for you to have. Having just left a very bad relationship with an A I wish I would have gotten out a long time ago or better yet never got involved in the first place. I knew my A had a history of problems but I thought he was past all that. I was wrong and I wasted 2 years of my life and had a lot of heartache. Only you can decide what to do but if I were you I would walk away.

Good Luck.

escape artist

really- just what minnie and benefits said. may be an ACOA thing where your compassion may be confused as love. at least you found this place-could be your intuition was right on for being here! plenty of threads regarding your intuition as well! he needs the time and you do too- maybe down the road things will be more clear for you. keep reading....

Magichappens

Hi turnerround,
Welcome. Minnie made some strong points. If you feel that you need to pursue this, I would highly reccommend that you think about attending some Al-Anon meetings, and even an open AA meeting or two. Find out about the disease of alcoholism, what it can do to a person, and the people around them, and what recovery from the disease is all about.

I don't tell people what they should or shouldn't do. We all have to make our own decisions. But I will say that it is best to make a decision with as much education and experience as is possible. Alcoholism is a devestating disease for both the alcoholic and those who love them. On the other hand, recovery is one of the most wonderful things I have ever experienced.

Stick around. Read the posts of people who have the experience. Feel free to ask for help and support. That is why we are all here. Be sure to check out the powerposts at the top of the forums. They are loaded with helpful information. Hugs, Magic

nocellphone

turnerround,

Welcome to SR. Nobody gets here by accident...

After reading your post, these are the thoughts I have:

I have a long history of chasing after
emotionally-unavailable people (usually alcoholics/addicts or those with similar characteristics).

When I do this, I start to lose myself as my obsession with them becomes my primary focus (just as the alcoholics/addicts do with their drugs of choice). Through Al-Anon and other work, I've come to understand that this behavior stems from experiences I'd had during childhood. I've also come to understand that this behavior pattern is unhealthy and leaves my life unmanageable.

Today I know that I have choices, so I choose not to chase after emotionally-unavailable people. It's like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread---I will never get my needs met there.

Peace...

CatsTail

I would say no don't pursue him, he obviously can;t handle a relationship right now and is giving you some very clear signs that he can't.

What I would suggest is Women who love too much by Robin Norwood and Co-Dependent No mORE By Melody Beattie. Maybe you'll find some answers in these books about you and your need to pursue this guy.

Ngaire

ahcb

Dear turn,
Should you pursue him? NO! It isl ike thinking about buying a car that has faulty brakes. There is a chance they wont get you in trouble, but they are bad brakes. Move on. It is hard, and it hurts, however it is just a minor bump in the road considering the potential for a lifetime full of heartaches.

turnerround

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have begun to do as some of you have suggested. I attended a meeting, began reading material on addictions. I have even begun the 12 step program for myself. I'm finding all of these and the information on this site very informative and helpful.

The truth is at this point of our "relationship", I just can't walk away. Does he not deserve a chance? Even though he is sending me signals that he isn't ready for a real relationship, I don't want to let go. I'm scared that if I do, and have no contact with him at all, when he is healthier and stronger, he will be too scared to contact me.

I didn't realize that it is advised that while in recovery addicts should refrain from entering into a relationship. Aren't they always in recovery, so when are they not? And what is the time frame? Is it when they have done the 12 steps; or after a year; or when they feel more stable? Will they instinctively know when they are ready?

Maybe the best thing for me to do is just bide my time. Call him occassionally to see how he is, send him his birthday gift in May that I've already bought, and hope that these small jestures will assure him that for now I'm not going anywhere and that will probably be available to him when he is ready. And I know that some will think I'm wasting my time and will not be open to any other potential great opportunities that my come in the meantime. The fact is, as long as I'm only thinking about him, opportunities will not come, because the door is closed and other's will see that.

As far as co-dependency goes, I'm not sure about myself. I never thought I would be the one to save him, make him stop, or love him like no other. I know he is responsible for himself and me for myself. He's just so adorable!!!!!!!!!!!
Or maybe I'm just crazy.

Thanks again.

splendra

When in early recovery it is best to not start a new relationship.....It sounds like you are on the way to a disappointing outcome if you continue to persue this man. He is trying to change a 20 year pattern in his life and that takes a lot of energy.

Your small jestures only tell him that you are waiting and hoping for him to come around. This might seem too over whelming to him right now..... Men like to be the one to persue a woman. If he wants to be with you I am sure he knows how to find you. I hope you don't send that gift or call him anymore unless he starts calling you

Please work on yourself and ask yourself why would you continue to persue a man who obviously is not available. Look at your past relationship histroy and see if there is a pattern as to how you relate. In alanon we learn to keep the focus on ourselves....

CatsTail

Hi,
You are setting yourself up to feel terrible about yourself, to be rejected by this guy, to feel like a failure because you are pursuing someone who is obviously not available.

Possibly some counseeling for yourself may answer the question as to why you want to do this.

Ngaire

WhatAboutME

I would also have to agree with everyone else about letting this one go. After rehab, my husband was told not to make any "big" changes in his life, and what did we do...We moved to a different state. He relapsed within 2 months. He could not focus on his own recovery, as well as moving to a new city, starting a new job, making new friends, etc. I would classify starting a new relationship as a pretty "big" change. I would not take it personally and give him credit for trying to do the right thing by focusing on himself and his recovery. If it's meant to be, I'm sure you'll "find" each other again.

On another note, I would think very carefully about the **possible** outcome of getting involved with someone who has a 20 year history with addiction. Although he may be a wonderful man, are you prepared to deal with the ups and downs of recovery, which may unfortunately include relapse? I married my husband knowing he was an alcoholic, convinced I could change his behavior. Of course, I now know better. I struggle daily with the very real prospect of ending our relationship after almost 10 years together. And he is a very good man, struggling with a very bad disease.

Best of luck in your decision!
Michelle

gelfling

Hi turnaround,

Interesting post and great responses. The principle behind no relationships during the first 12 months of recovery is so they can get it under their belts. Living free and clean with no obstructions. As a scenario...if he were early into the program, got involved with you and things didn't work out, this may weaken him and his desire to remain sober. It's really important that they focus on their sobriety and health first. My son is in his 3rd month of sobriety and would love to be able to give and receive love but knows that he's not ready. I have to respect his maturity in making that decision eventhough I know he's lonely.

As with everyone else, this isn't a good time for you to get involved with him. He's not the only thing out there that's great. My "gut" feeling is he's sending you a message and you're really so hung up on the guy you just don't want to let go. He is working hard on his sobriety and may not know how to tell you that he wants to focus on himself.

Why is it you "just can't walk away"? You say he's sending you signals that he isn't ready. Take a moment to discover what's behind all of your thoughts. Why don't you want to let go? There is a hidden force here that you should consider. Caring and loving a person can mean letting them go. You can't hold him hostage. It's unhealthy for both of you. And of course, most of us will defend to the death, the alcoholic/addict's desire for sobriety and will do whatever we can to help it along. Hindering progress isn't part of the recovery plan.

My husband is 18 years recovering and my son 3 months. I know what they need to do and so does your friend. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

Continue with your meetings. Learn about the disease. And ask yourself why you want to involved with someone who is recovering and who has given you every indication he wants no involvement.

Live

Addiction/recovery aside.....there is no MUTUAL interest in this relationship and there is no relationship if there is no mutuality. You have a fantasy relationship. Now I duck out like a chicken, I know that is not a welcome statement.

nocellphone

Wellllllllll.......... Step Two does mention something about being restored to sanity...

*runs away*

Zoey

Each person in recovery is different. IMHO it is best that there be no new relationships for a year, and even longer. This is one thing that causes relapse, along with many others. A wrong word or look from anyone will set them off.
I would think it best to let them contact who they can handle at this time.
Some are so fragil that they have to shut out everyone except another AA and a sponser.
Some take forever to do their 4th and 5th steps, and these are sooo important, but if an outsider asks, that is a real no-no. If they haven't got there, they feel guilty, or angry or frightened, or don't understand it.

Another thing I feel, no facts, but I feel those that love the A's most can do the most harm.

I do not share about my life with my hubby, I share what I learned from taking classes to be a drug and alcohol counselor, I attended AA and A-Anon meetings ever night of the week for many years. Took classes in psychology, Studied every book and article on the male brain, and the difference between male and female thinking etc.
I have read every book written by recovering alcoholics.
I am an A, was married to someone I can't say was an A, maybe abused alcohol, he is deceased and was the love of my life. But most of us did not know they would turn into an A. then it is too late to sidestep.

Everyone that answered gave good advice.
We all care about you very much, and we have all felt horrible pain and heartbreak.
I want the best for you always. Take care of you, and read, read, read. In the back of the AA Big book are stories of the recovering A's. Think it can be checked out at the Library, Someone said everyone should read the AA book, I agree.
clancy46

JessicaNAJ

Excuse me...I have to jump in here. YOU deserve a chance. What are you doing to yourself? You are already feeling the same anxietys of those of us who have been a "relationship" with and A for years.

Be careful.... Read read read and be prepared for what you WANT to get yourself into.

sunshinebluesky

if you keep any contact with him from your end, i am afraid that somewhere down the road, he will be with you only because you are available. i always felt that my ex, even though he claims he loves me sooo much, was with me because it was easy, convenient, and he needed me,not really loved me. this sets up the scene for alot of heartache.

FriendofBill

<EVEN go. let to want don?t I relationship, real a for ready isn?t he that signals me sending is though>
Hi Turnerround,

In the interest of staying in reality, you say it in your own post...his signals say he does not want a relationship with you.

WHY do you want to pursue a man who does not want to be with you?

You say you dont want to let go.....isnt that what an alcholic says at the suggestion he/she quit drinking?

I am a recovering addict... I am addicted to people, specially alcoholic men. I took them hostage, I never let go of them, even when they didnt want me. Thats what addicts do.

We cling to sick men who abuse us because we are sick people who thrive unconsciously on it.

Congrats to you on your own 12 step program. Keep coming back!