Detachment or just plain being mean???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 5
Detachment or just plain being mean???
Hi All! I posted the other day as a newbie.
My A and I have been together 8 1/2 yrs now. At least once a year....sometimes lasting for months.......he has picked up and our lives come falling apart. He was in prison for 6 months for altering a couple of prescriptions and was release Feb 1st last year. I found out a few months ago he was using, told me that it was just a few times and was over with. I would question him when something didn't seem "right" and was told that I was just being paranoid and to quit accusing him. Anyway I now find out that I was being belittled and lied to. I know from past Alanon meetings and readings that I cannot take it personally. I am working really hard at the not taking it personally. "We" now have a new problem to deal with. He is losing his drivers license for a year. I don't honestly know how we can make it......mentally, financially and physically. I am working 47 1/2 hrs a week, have two active teenagers at home that are now getting into their sports seasons, he is starting a new job in a month with varying hours and weekends and he has 2 daughters that come to visit every other weekend 2 hours away. He is responsible for driving to pick them up on fridays. How am I to deal with this? Its not fair to my children to put them on the back burner due to his actions. Nor is it fair to his children. (His ex doesn't know about this last relapse and if she did she would not allow them to come visit). I have mixed feelings about this.......knowing him losing his license is from a prior relapse and going through the emotions of the most recent. Sorry to keep ranting and raving. Maybe I just need to vent.
Thanks!
My A and I have been together 8 1/2 yrs now. At least once a year....sometimes lasting for months.......he has picked up and our lives come falling apart. He was in prison for 6 months for altering a couple of prescriptions and was release Feb 1st last year. I found out a few months ago he was using, told me that it was just a few times and was over with. I would question him when something didn't seem "right" and was told that I was just being paranoid and to quit accusing him. Anyway I now find out that I was being belittled and lied to. I know from past Alanon meetings and readings that I cannot take it personally. I am working really hard at the not taking it personally. "We" now have a new problem to deal with. He is losing his drivers license for a year. I don't honestly know how we can make it......mentally, financially and physically. I am working 47 1/2 hrs a week, have two active teenagers at home that are now getting into their sports seasons, he is starting a new job in a month with varying hours and weekends and he has 2 daughters that come to visit every other weekend 2 hours away. He is responsible for driving to pick them up on fridays. How am I to deal with this? Its not fair to my children to put them on the back burner due to his actions. Nor is it fair to his children. (His ex doesn't know about this last relapse and if she did she would not allow them to come visit). I have mixed feelings about this.......knowing him losing his license is from a prior relapse and going through the emotions of the most recent. Sorry to keep ranting and raving. Maybe I just need to vent.
Thanks!
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
It may not be fair to his children, but he has to take responsibility for that. We can't save everyone who is affected by the alcoholic in our life. That may be one to turn over to God. I will certainly pray for them.
My plan, in case I had to be the financial stability in my situation, was and is to downsize anything and everything that can be down sized. Everything that isn't neccessary, cable tv, eating out, etc. would have to go. Then I would look at the house. If we couldn't pay for it, I would do everything in my power to sell it and get a cheaper place to live. Any outstanding bills, such as car payment or credit cards would go.
I don't have children, but I know that feeding and clothing them is more important than whether they get a new game. That might not be how I'd want it, but reality is that I don't always get things the way I want.
That was just what I had to look at to feel comfortable with what might come. God can move mountains, but I need to bring a shovel. Hugs, Magic
My plan, in case I had to be the financial stability in my situation, was and is to downsize anything and everything that can be down sized. Everything that isn't neccessary, cable tv, eating out, etc. would have to go. Then I would look at the house. If we couldn't pay for it, I would do everything in my power to sell it and get a cheaper place to live. Any outstanding bills, such as car payment or credit cards would go.
I don't have children, but I know that feeding and clothing them is more important than whether they get a new game. That might not be how I'd want it, but reality is that I don't always get things the way I want.
That was just what I had to look at to feel comfortable with what might come. God can move mountains, but I need to bring a shovel. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
You take care of your own job and your own kids. He will have to figure out on his own how he is going to get to work and to pick up his own kids. Do not drive him to work. Do not pick up his kids for him. He lost his license, now he can deal with the aftermath. "you all" do not have a new problem. HE has a new problem and you need to let him own it all by himself. That is how he got into this mess after all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
How am I to deal with this?
Please keep coming back and posting! There are many here with great insight and wisdom, I have been challenged, validated and certainly educated by my involvement here.
I am so sorry that this has occurred but with luck, this could turn into the best thing that could have happened. It may be a great learning experience.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
The problems regarding him are not yours. They're his to sift through and make the necessary arrangements.
You've got to take care of yourself and your boys. If he wants to see his kids, he'll find a way to get them. And if his ex doesn't know, the kids will probably pick up on it and tell mom.
Focus on yourself.
You've got to take care of yourself and your boys. If he wants to see his kids, he'll find a way to get them. And if his ex doesn't know, the kids will probably pick up on it and tell mom.
Focus on yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 5
I know deep down that this is HIS problem.......my issues are that I am going to look like a terrible person to his kids, his mom (who is an enabler herself - forever, picking him up when he falls, love her dearly though). I also feel guilty, in a sense, for not wanting to try and make it work. He has brought up the notion of driving even without his license......like that is going to make things b etter. He is coming to work for the same company that I work for......i work in the service center......he is going to the sales lot (a few blocks away)......his brother-in-law is majority owner. This whole situation just plain sucks.......
Thanks for the input!
Mindy
Thanks for the input!
Mindy
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
There is a lot of support for us available. I have found that many in my family bucked my recovery, and in the shape I was in, I couldn't handle it alone. Joining an Al-Anon group helped me a lot. They had been through the same things, and got better. Talking to them and learning from them gave me the serenity and strength to take care of my recovery no matter what anyone else thought. Hugs, Magic
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Mindy, I know how you feel. I tell myself that I me wanting it to work is not enough. If you are doing eveything you can to make it work, shouldnt he be doing the same? I work two jobs and he works maybe 15 hours a week,,,maybe. Its definately a sucky situation and although I have good days, I never have great ones when I am worrying about how to pick up the pieces. If I can give you any advice, which I am sort of hesitant to do, bc I am a wreck lately...it would be to do what you can to put your needs and your kids needs first...I have found for me that it helps me measure in a clearer light how I feel and which of my needs he is meeting and those that he is not. I also am less angry about the situation when I Know I am not backspinning and moving forward for my own needs...if I can't fix his problems, at least I can fix my own kind of thing.
Sarah Elizabeth
Sarah Elizabeth
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Do not drive him to work and do not pick up his kids. It really is not your problem, itis his, he needs to go through the natural consequences of his actions. And maybe it would be good for his ex to find out about losing his license another natural consequence. Probably not your job to tell her though she'll find out.
Ngaire
Ngaire
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 5
The ex IS going to find out that he lost his license. Her new husband is the one that drives to pick the girls up everyother weekend. It was more along the lines of her finding out of his last relapse. I definetly do not want to be the one to tell her. We had a big falling out the last time because she said it was my position to tell her since he didn't. Mind you she went through this stuff with him when they were together and at the time was involved in Alanon.
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
This is really a sticky mess but it is not your mess unless you make it yours-let him suffer the consequences of his own actions. Sounds like the x already has his number
--if you protect him from her and he drives without a liscense and ooops gets in
an accident or gets picked up by the law and ooops again his kids are in the car--
what then--don't put yourself in that position. Please take care of yourself and your children first. Make a back up plan to take care of you and your children. Your
priority needs to be your children and yourself. I know it's hard to hear and even harder to take those steps but keep coming back her and reading and you will see
we have all been in your situation in some form or another--and we are cheering
you on. hugs and prayers--Dee
--if you protect him from her and he drives without a liscense and ooops gets in
an accident or gets picked up by the law and ooops again his kids are in the car--
what then--don't put yourself in that position. Please take care of yourself and your children first. Make a back up plan to take care of you and your children. Your
priority needs to be your children and yourself. I know it's hard to hear and even harder to take those steps but keep coming back her and reading and you will see
we have all been in your situation in some form or another--and we are cheering
you on. hugs and prayers--Dee
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Comfused,
Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry to hear that things are in such a state of chaos at the moment. Everyone is right - you need to allow him to take responsibility for his own actions.
There are a couple of threads that might help:
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=42692
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=16967
Hope you stick around.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry to hear that things are in such a state of chaos at the moment. Everyone is right - you need to allow him to take responsibility for his own actions.
There are a couple of threads that might help:
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=42692
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=16967
Hope you stick around.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Northern VA
Posts: 82
Confused - hang in there! If you are going to accept the consequences of your AH's drinking (in this case, the consequences of his losing his license), then you are enabling your AH to continue to drink. Why would he bother getting sober if he has absolutely no consequences? It's hard to stand by and watch your AH hurt, but unless he experiences the pain of HIS conduct, then he will have no reason to make the pain stop. We have all been where you are in one form or another. It isn't easy. But I know without a doubt that the only reason that my AH got to the point where he wanted to sober up is because I let go and let God. My AH came to his own realization that he needed to get sober - his life got to the point where being drunk hurt more than being sober. Had I stepped in and taken away any of those consequences, he would never have reached that point.
Confused - stay encouraged!
Confused - stay encouraged!
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Veronica,
This is something that happened in my life after I was in the program a long time. I was already a long way into taking care of myself and letting the alcoholic go and allow him to take responsibilty for his actions. I drove him to work (I only had to leave a half an hour early and we were heading the same way) and he found a ride home because our hours didn't match up. All of his little extra errands had to be done on my time, not his and his booze runs? who knows...he never lacked so he must have been picking it up on the way home.
The reason I did what I did was motivated by the fact that he was humbled by losing his license and was grateful for what he got. Had that not been the case I may have had to do the the downsizing that Magic refers to. That is also my plan if I should need to go there.
Hugs,
JT
This is something that happened in my life after I was in the program a long time. I was already a long way into taking care of myself and letting the alcoholic go and allow him to take responsibilty for his actions. I drove him to work (I only had to leave a half an hour early and we were heading the same way) and he found a ride home because our hours didn't match up. All of his little extra errands had to be done on my time, not his and his booze runs? who knows...he never lacked so he must have been picking it up on the way home.
The reason I did what I did was motivated by the fact that he was humbled by losing his license and was grateful for what he got. Had that not been the case I may have had to do the the downsizing that Magic refers to. That is also my plan if I should need to go there.
Hugs,
JT
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
WOW! I have been in similar situations. The more we "take care" of the problems our A's get into, the less they have to suffer the consequences of their actions and the less they FEEL the problems, so the less they learn.
He really needs to figure this out himself. If you work so close and your hours are the same, riding to work together may be okay, but all the other running is his problem to figure out. Maybe HIS mother can help out - if she wants to enable him, let her.
Sorry you are having to go through this. I have two older kids from a previous marriage too, and there were many many things that happened when they were teenagers that I regret now. I wish I would have put them first instead of putting my drunk husband's self-inflicted problems first. Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with him.
I feel for you. I KNOW it is a difficult situation as we feel if we don't help, it will create more of a problem for us and/or our family. But really do some soul searching... wouldn't it cause LESS headaches for you and your teens to have mom available, and supportive instead of driving stepdad all over the place?
And, you don't really want him taking your car without a license do you? This will be tricky as he will probably manipulate you into thinking its not that big of a deal, etc.
I would really do some soul searching and get a game plan for a conversation you need to have with him.
Good luck whatever you decide to do. I know these situations can be so frustrating... but... you can take the frustration out of it!!!!
He really needs to figure this out himself. If you work so close and your hours are the same, riding to work together may be okay, but all the other running is his problem to figure out. Maybe HIS mother can help out - if she wants to enable him, let her.
Sorry you are having to go through this. I have two older kids from a previous marriage too, and there were many many things that happened when they were teenagers that I regret now. I wish I would have put them first instead of putting my drunk husband's self-inflicted problems first. Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with him.
I feel for you. I KNOW it is a difficult situation as we feel if we don't help, it will create more of a problem for us and/or our family. But really do some soul searching... wouldn't it cause LESS headaches for you and your teens to have mom available, and supportive instead of driving stepdad all over the place?
And, you don't really want him taking your car without a license do you? This will be tricky as he will probably manipulate you into thinking its not that big of a deal, etc.
I would really do some soul searching and get a game plan for a conversation you need to have with him.
Good luck whatever you decide to do. I know these situations can be so frustrating... but... you can take the frustration out of it!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 5
Wraybear,
Thanks! I really needed to hear that! I know I can help, but finding out where to draw the line between help and enable.........that's where the problem lies. I keep finding out about new lies he has told me.......which doesn't help the situation any. His DOC is not alcohol............so now I'm wondering if its okay that I'm posting here rather than Narcanon. I have had a new outlook since I've started this thread. I am working on me and my children 1st. He is currently going through withdrawal and not having a great time with it. I have been finding myself to be unsympathetic though. I think that may be partly or mostly because of the lies and dishonesty he has had for me. I don't know. I could wish anything I'm going through on anyone......not even my worst enemy.
Thanks for listening!!!
Mindy
Thanks! I really needed to hear that! I know I can help, but finding out where to draw the line between help and enable.........that's where the problem lies. I keep finding out about new lies he has told me.......which doesn't help the situation any. His DOC is not alcohol............so now I'm wondering if its okay that I'm posting here rather than Narcanon. I have had a new outlook since I've started this thread. I am working on me and my children 1st. He is currently going through withdrawal and not having a great time with it. I have been finding myself to be unsympathetic though. I think that may be partly or mostly because of the lies and dishonesty he has had for me. I don't know. I could wish anything I'm going through on anyone......not even my worst enemy.
Thanks for listening!!!
Mindy
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
comfused,
It is perfectly alright to post here and on any forum here at SR unless it is specified to gender. You can post on both if you want. My husband has the disease of addiction. He hasn't had a drink in 17 years, but he has had problems with other substances. The main focus of recovery isn't about how we qualify, it's about how we, as a group, can help each other to recover. Hugs, Magic
It is perfectly alright to post here and on any forum here at SR unless it is specified to gender. You can post on both if you want. My husband has the disease of addiction. He hasn't had a drink in 17 years, but he has had problems with other substances. The main focus of recovery isn't about how we qualify, it's about how we, as a group, can help each other to recover. Hugs, Magic
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