Breaking The Co-dependent Mould
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: British Cloumbia, Canada
Posts: 28
Breaking The Co-dependent Mould
Hello All!
I have been really reading and listening to what Beattie says about the triangle of dysfunction and my role in it.
I will catch myself doing things for people (unsolicited) and tell myself out load that its codependent. I am trying to "catch" myself each time I do it. The more aware of it I can become, the easier and more likely it will be to break or change that in me.
This seems to be working quite well for me, as well it gives my friends and family a chance to learn about me and my feelings.
Has anyone been able to "heal" or really recover from codependency and or enabling? Is there hope for me? Am I barking up the wrong tree, or are there any other things that you may have done to recover?
Interested in hearing feed back,
A/Girl
I have been really reading and listening to what Beattie says about the triangle of dysfunction and my role in it.
I will catch myself doing things for people (unsolicited) and tell myself out load that its codependent. I am trying to "catch" myself each time I do it. The more aware of it I can become, the easier and more likely it will be to break or change that in me.
This seems to be working quite well for me, as well it gives my friends and family a chance to learn about me and my feelings.
Has anyone been able to "heal" or really recover from codependency and or enabling? Is there hope for me? Am I barking up the wrong tree, or are there any other things that you may have done to recover?
Interested in hearing feed back,
A/Girl
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Still working on it
Hi,
I admire you for recognizing where you are co-dependant in your life. I still struggle with that one. As far as enabling goes, I have used a lot of inner strength to try to figure out where I stand, and what my boundaries are so that I am not creating an "easy out" for him. It's hard stuff! Keep working on it...
Meg
I admire you for recognizing where you are co-dependant in your life. I still struggle with that one. As far as enabling goes, I have used a lot of inner strength to try to figure out where I stand, and what my boundaries are so that I am not creating an "easy out" for him. It's hard stuff! Keep working on it...
Meg
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Hi AG,
I do the same thing. Example: My son is getting ready to go for his Senior picture, High School, and I ask him what will he bring to wear. He says, oh I will just take something in the morning. I say well what kind of thing do you want to wear for the picture? Then he gets annoyed, and says oh anything. Then I stop myself and say oh ok and walk away. I wasn't angry or frustrated, just caught myself "helping" someone that didn't need any help. Boy it must be frustrating for them, fighting off the help they don't need. You are doing great. I agree that self awareness is so important.
I do the same thing. Example: My son is getting ready to go for his Senior picture, High School, and I ask him what will he bring to wear. He says, oh I will just take something in the morning. I say well what kind of thing do you want to wear for the picture? Then he gets annoyed, and says oh anything. Then I stop myself and say oh ok and walk away. I wasn't angry or frustrated, just caught myself "helping" someone that didn't need any help. Boy it must be frustrating for them, fighting off the help they don't need. You are doing great. I agree that self awareness is so important.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
LOL Rose!
That is the one of the first things that I stopped doing was telling everone what to wear! Old June here had to keep up appearances and part of that was making sure that Ward and the Beav dressed the part.
But senior pictures??? I would have a tough time with that one even today! You have to look at those things for a loooong time!
Start small Action Girl. pick one small thing...bite your tongue and try it. It is fun to watch how others react!
JT
That is the one of the first things that I stopped doing was telling everone what to wear! Old June here had to keep up appearances and part of that was making sure that Ward and the Beav dressed the part.
But senior pictures??? I would have a tough time with that one even today! You have to look at those things for a loooong time!
Start small Action Girl. pick one small thing...bite your tongue and try it. It is fun to watch how others react!
JT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: British Cloumbia, Canada
Posts: 28
Thank you everyone for the feed back! I agree with JT that zipping my lips on a Grad picture outfit would be REALLY REALLY HARD!! So congratulaions on that one Rose
Kitty, I don't know if you have read Co-dependent No More by M. Beattie, but it can be amazing read. I have done the Enneagram, Myers Briggs, even found out that I'm a highly Sensitive Person ( a book by E. Aaron), but no where have I seen myself so clearly. I am co-dependent - -so very co-dependent
So in finding out so much about myself, including the "annoying" way I have of "dictating" or "controlling" or "bossing" people was alarming and startling. I never intended to be that way, and so now I am trying to stop it.
So when I find myself caretaking, making decisions for or trespassing on someones turf, I think out loud that what I did was codenpendent. Like, "See, that was co-dependent". Almost as if I'm looking for evidence, which is what helps people around me understand WHY I behave that way, and why they react to me as they do, and what my internal reactions are (resentment).
I hope that is more clear Kitty.
Lynda:shades:
Kitty, I don't know if you have read Co-dependent No More by M. Beattie, but it can be amazing read. I have done the Enneagram, Myers Briggs, even found out that I'm a highly Sensitive Person ( a book by E. Aaron), but no where have I seen myself so clearly. I am co-dependent - -so very co-dependent
So in finding out so much about myself, including the "annoying" way I have of "dictating" or "controlling" or "bossing" people was alarming and startling. I never intended to be that way, and so now I am trying to stop it.
So when I find myself caretaking, making decisions for or trespassing on someones turf, I think out loud that what I did was codenpendent. Like, "See, that was co-dependent". Almost as if I'm looking for evidence, which is what helps people around me understand WHY I behave that way, and why they react to me as they do, and what my internal reactions are (resentment).
I hope that is more clear Kitty.
Lynda:shades:
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Posts: n/a
Kitty,
I'm a gift mindreader too. Is that codependent? lol
Lynda,
Way to go. Taking a look at ourself is not fun, but the change that comes from it is great! I've done a lot of that this past couple of month, and although hard to face my failings it has caused a lot of healing in my relationships.
Hugs to all,
MG
I'm a gift mindreader too. Is that codependent? lol
Lynda,
Way to go. Taking a look at ourself is not fun, but the change that comes from it is great! I've done a lot of that this past couple of month, and although hard to face my failings it has caused a lot of healing in my relationships.
Hugs to all,
MG
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
LOL!!!
I am forever telling my kids what to wear. Yikes, I better rethink that, I just want them to look good - oh yuck that sounds like major justification to me.
Good for you, step back and look at yourself, I have been doing that alot myself this past 1 1/2 and make some changes too. Feels good doesn't it?
Take care - and I can't wait to hear how those senior pix come out.
I am forever telling my kids what to wear. Yikes, I better rethink that, I just want them to look good - oh yuck that sounds like major justification to me.
Good for you, step back and look at yourself, I have been doing that alot myself this past 1 1/2 and make some changes too. Feels good doesn't it?
Take care - and I can't wait to hear how those senior pix come out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Hi all, just an update on the Senior Pictures! My son got lost on the way to the sitting and we had to reschedule in a couple of weeks. So I still have plenty of time to "help" him with his outfit!!! Haha, I hope I can maintain my hands off approach, well maybe a few suggestions can't hurt!! Oh too funny.
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Chicago
Posts: 175
I wondering if OVER sensative and THOUGhtFUL is in some way are co-dependant. I also like to , give FREE advice and try to help you not make any mistakes in life( control ,,I know 
) .............I even annoy myself.
Free advie is one of my WORST! I love it darn it....my dad gave hours of advie...we would have to sit an dlsiten to him pontificate ( sp? ) LOLOL..
Love Kitty: )
) .............I even annoy myself. Free advie is one of my WORST! I love it darn it....my dad gave hours of advie...we would have to sit an dlsiten to him pontificate ( sp? ) LOLOL..
Love Kitty: )
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: British Cloumbia, Canada
Posts: 28
WOW!!!! I am truly not alone! The part about free advice (loving it and hearing it "endlessly from your parents!) -- I can so relate!
I think that the major moment of truth came to me when I realized (from the book and from my friends) that it feels like I am smothering and ***not trusting them *** to make their own decisions -- of course it feels that way... it never really occured to me [ I guess that I thought I knew better, was smarter (that hurts to admit), or had a better perspective].
I really had no idea. I now try to ask if someone "wants" something (like water or food, etc, etc.) before I just go and get it. This way I still get to help, but it lets them decide. If they say no, I just have to live with it, even if I irrationally dehydration or an excess of toxins in their system!!!!! Obviously I can still express concern over a serious matter, but unless they are children, I cannot force anything on them.... they know their body best, and can live how they want to..... (yes, this is even hard to type let alone put into real life action!)
Bye for now,
Action Girl
I think that the major moment of truth came to me when I realized (from the book and from my friends) that it feels like I am smothering and ***not trusting them *** to make their own decisions -- of course it feels that way... it never really occured to me [ I guess that I thought I knew better, was smarter (that hurts to admit), or had a better perspective].
I really had no idea. I now try to ask if someone "wants" something (like water or food, etc, etc.) before I just go and get it. This way I still get to help, but it lets them decide. If they say no, I just have to live with it, even if I irrationally dehydration or an excess of toxins in their system!!!!! Obviously I can still express concern over a serious matter, but unless they are children, I cannot force anything on them.... they know their body best, and can live how they want to..... (yes, this is even hard to type let alone put into real life action!)
Bye for now,
Action Girl
Fantastic Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 176
Hey Action girl,
I would think I have to roll in a bit of control here! I just feel the strong urge to protect anyone from making an error or not dong thing "my right way"...I almost get nervous when it does not happen...go figure that one!
Love Kitty
I would think I have to roll in a bit of control here! I just feel the strong urge to protect anyone from making an error or not dong thing "my right way"...I almost get nervous when it does not happen...go figure that one!
Love Kitty
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It takes practice, practice practice.
I have to hold myself back from saying "I'll do it" when something needs to be done. I am always the first one to volunteer....so bad that when anyone asks for volunteers they look at me first. ARGHH.
I practice saying "NO", "Sorry, my plate is full", "I think it is time someone else took a turn" and my favourite when someone asks me for advice on how to do something (meaning help them).."Just do the best you can..I'm sure it will be fine".
And for people soliciting money for anything, I used to give to them all because I just couldn't talk my way out of it...Now I say "Sorry, I have no money!" How long are they going to pitch to someone with NO MONEY. It works.
I have to hold myself back from saying "I'll do it" when something needs to be done. I am always the first one to volunteer....so bad that when anyone asks for volunteers they look at me first. ARGHH.
I practice saying "NO", "Sorry, my plate is full", "I think it is time someone else took a turn" and my favourite when someone asks me for advice on how to do something (meaning help them).."Just do the best you can..I'm sure it will be fine".
And for people soliciting money for anything, I used to give to them all because I just couldn't talk my way out of it...Now I say "Sorry, I have no money!" How long are they going to pitch to someone with NO MONEY. It works.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: British Cloumbia, Canada
Posts: 28
....I just feel the strong urge to protect anyone from making an error or not dong thing "my right way"...I almost get nervous when it does not happen...go figure that one! .....
Hey Kittycat!!
I know what you mean. It was a bit of an epiphany realizing what a "pain in the butt " I was being!! The Co-Dependent No More book by Beattie (have you read it Kitty?) was so so so good. I am re-reading it. I alsourged my parents to buy and read it as they are an important link in this for me too. I am very co-dependent WITH them as they are to me too. It was important that they understand why I can be over bearing (I never realized it was the problem that it is) and why we all act how we do.
My boyfriend (my A) felt that I didn't trust his abilities and judgements (and I am talking not about alcohol consumption, but when to eat, how to brush his teeth properly and on and on). I can still "remind him" but now I'll **ask him** if he's hungry instead of bringing him a sandwich! I still can influence him, but I can only do it IF I have HIS permission.
As Beattie says, it is very freeing to only be responsible for your own self. I gotta say that it did not make sense to until I finished the book, and not entirely until my second read!
Keep me posted on your progress Kittycat,
Action Girl
Hey Kittycat!!
I know what you mean. It was a bit of an epiphany realizing what a "pain in the butt " I was being!! The Co-Dependent No More book by Beattie (have you read it Kitty?) was so so so good. I am re-reading it. I alsourged my parents to buy and read it as they are an important link in this for me too. I am very co-dependent WITH them as they are to me too. It was important that they understand why I can be over bearing (I never realized it was the problem that it is) and why we all act how we do.
My boyfriend (my A) felt that I didn't trust his abilities and judgements (and I am talking not about alcohol consumption, but when to eat, how to brush his teeth properly and on and on). I can still "remind him" but now I'll **ask him** if he's hungry instead of bringing him a sandwich! I still can influence him, but I can only do it IF I have HIS permission.
As Beattie says, it is very freeing to only be responsible for your own self. I gotta say that it did not make sense to until I finished the book, and not entirely until my second read!
Keep me posted on your progress Kittycat,
Action Girl
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