Never name a duck.
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Never name a duck.
At Walmart you can buy the Dick VanDyke Show, 3 episodes on a disk for a buck. "Never Name a Duck" was the title of one of the ones I got. Dick had to temporarily house some baby ducks from work at his home and Richie (his son) fell in love with them and named them immediately. Dick and Laura felt they had to allow him to keep them. One died and Richie grew obsessive about the other one. (Yes, it's comedy. 
) Stanley (the remaining duck) grows ill and Dick takes it to the vet where he is told that it is captivity that is making it ill, and that is why the other one died. So he sets it free on the lake. Richie decides to run away from home and live with Stanley. Only he will not live in the lake with Stanley, he will make Stanley live with him on the shore. Dick explains to him that this is a selfish kind of love. That trying to force a duck to live the way a person lives is deadly for ducks. Because he is a TV kid, Richie readily sees the logic in all this and happily lets go of Stanley, hoping to send him off with a wedding present of caviar to share with his new lady duck friend.
I don't think it was just the notion of ducks that made me relate this to codependency. Richie's notion of keeping the duck safe was contrary to the nature of the duck. He tried to make the duck conform to his standards of the right way to live. In this case, it didn't just make the duck unhappy, it was killing it.
I couldn't begin to list all the ways that Dino and I are different. Aside from wanting him to stop using drugs, I have had plenty of notions of the right way for him to live. They were based on the right way for me to live. It was all well meaning, but it was arrogant of me to decide I knew best. This is not to say he is all victimized and blameless. There have been lots of times he "knew best" for me too, and usurped my rights in a maddening way. But I'm gonna talk about me. Here's a for instance.
For many years, Dino earned a living as a musician. Although his bread comes from something else, if you ask him right now what he "does" he will answer "I'm a musician." Well, this goes right through me. Fear. Clubs, booze. Rehearsals, pot. Hangers on, who knows what? It can be a seedy environment. A friend of mine has a bumper sticker that says "Welcome backstage... where high-tech and lowlife collide." And a truer word was never said. Now, when I'm "knowing best", I think he really ought to give all that up. I think it's a bad idea to be around such a world when you've had a substance problem. And that would be right for me. But what I "do" is not really crucial to my sense of identity, and I think it might be for Dino. ("I am a musician." ) So I shut up. I don't know that he will wind up doing the band thing without my careful life instructions, but that has to be up to him. It's not my right to decide what compromises he can live with.
Codie cleansing time. Anybody else want to talk about "knowing best"?
) Stanley (the remaining duck) grows ill and Dick takes it to the vet where he is told that it is captivity that is making it ill, and that is why the other one died. So he sets it free on the lake. Richie decides to run away from home and live with Stanley. Only he will not live in the lake with Stanley, he will make Stanley live with him on the shore. Dick explains to him that this is a selfish kind of love. That trying to force a duck to live the way a person lives is deadly for ducks. Because he is a TV kid, Richie readily sees the logic in all this and happily lets go of Stanley, hoping to send him off with a wedding present of caviar to share with his new lady duck friend.I don't think it was just the notion of ducks that made me relate this to codependency. Richie's notion of keeping the duck safe was contrary to the nature of the duck. He tried to make the duck conform to his standards of the right way to live. In this case, it didn't just make the duck unhappy, it was killing it.
I couldn't begin to list all the ways that Dino and I are different. Aside from wanting him to stop using drugs, I have had plenty of notions of the right way for him to live. They were based on the right way for me to live. It was all well meaning, but it was arrogant of me to decide I knew best. This is not to say he is all victimized and blameless. There have been lots of times he "knew best" for me too, and usurped my rights in a maddening way. But I'm gonna talk about me. Here's a for instance.
For many years, Dino earned a living as a musician. Although his bread comes from something else, if you ask him right now what he "does" he will answer "I'm a musician." Well, this goes right through me. Fear. Clubs, booze. Rehearsals, pot. Hangers on, who knows what? It can be a seedy environment. A friend of mine has a bumper sticker that says "Welcome backstage... where high-tech and lowlife collide." And a truer word was never said. Now, when I'm "knowing best", I think he really ought to give all that up. I think it's a bad idea to be around such a world when you've had a substance problem. And that would be right for me. But what I "do" is not really crucial to my sense of identity, and I think it might be for Dino. ("I am a musician." ) So I shut up. I don't know that he will wind up doing the band thing without my careful life instructions, but that has to be up to him. It's not my right to decide what compromises he can live with.
Codie cleansing time. Anybody else want to talk about "knowing best"?
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
"Codie Knows Best" wasn't that another sitcom?
Oh wait, that was "Father Knows Best".
Although I think "Codie Knows Best" has immense potential.
Sometimes I can see a situation and think I know the best way for it to work out. Usually, it's situation or set of circumstances that has absolutely nothing to do with me. I seem to cavalierly consume it into my territory and make it a part of my worry wheel.
And God help the world if it doesn't work out the way "I" wanted it to.
This is all pointless behavior on my part.
I am not the director of this show.
I am only a part-time actor whose script changes daily.
Oh wait, that was "Father Knows Best".
Although I think "Codie Knows Best" has immense potential.
Sometimes I can see a situation and think I know the best way for it to work out. Usually, it's situation or set of circumstances that has absolutely nothing to do with me. I seem to cavalierly consume it into my territory and make it a part of my worry wheel.
And God help the world if it doesn't work out the way "I" wanted it to.
This is all pointless behavior on my part.
I am not the director of this show.
I am only a part-time actor whose script changes daily.
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Smoke...what I know is best is plentiful, but I also know to be careful what I wish for.
I wish that Ward was less uptight financially but if he turned the books over to me we would end up living in a tent on a beach. Nice view, but a tent.
I used to know that it would be best for Ward to come straight home from work instead of beer and horseshoes at the local filling station. Now he does. Now he gets home before me, has the newspaper spread out and asks "What's for dinner?"
Shall I go on??
JT
I wish that Ward was less uptight financially but if he turned the books over to me we would end up living in a tent on a beach. Nice view, but a tent.
I used to know that it would be best for Ward to come straight home from work instead of beer and horseshoes at the local filling station. Now he does. Now he gets home before me, has the newspaper spread out and asks "What's for dinner?"
Shall I go on??
JT
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
Hummm...Mother knows Best. or Be Careful what you Wish for.
I always wanted to shield my children from all of lifes harms...wrap them in cotton so that they would never get hurt. Keep them with me always..
Now the careful whatcha wish for part...Now I have boomarang kids...LOL...
I always wanted to shield my children from all of lifes harms...wrap them in cotton so that they would never get hurt. Keep them with me always..
Now the careful whatcha wish for part...Now I have boomarang kids...LOL...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Smoke: Awesome thread! I too have a musician STBXAH. He's an active A at the moment, so bars are not some place *I* think he needs to be, but I agree with you that he is an adult and "It's not my right to decide what compromises he can live with." I've tried for many years...argued...locked him out, blah, blah. And guess what...he still drank. I carried the anger and resentment and he.still.drank. I'm letting that dang duck go!!!
Gabe: You and me babe - eye to eye on your post. All I can say is DITTO.
Gabe: You and me babe - eye to eye on your post. All I can say is DITTO.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'll never forget the day I told my parents I was getting married for the second time. My mother dropped to her knees crying, and begged me not to do it.
You see, he was a wild haired tattooed felon, and an addict. They didn't know I met him straight out of prison, or that he did drugs for sure. They just knew he was bad news from the get-go, and were sure that was the worst thing that I could do.
I understand today the fear they had in their hearts.
However, it was that bloody, brutal, violent marriage that finally brought me to my knees in my own addictions, and started me on the road to recovery from my addictions, and later my codependency issues.
I had beatings I couldn't even put into words. I was body-slammed to the floor, hit in the head, kicked in the ribs, and thrown down the basement steps.
I also missed contracting HIV from him by about two weeks. He shared needles with another female while I was in rehab.
My mother sent me his obituary last May. He finally succumbed to AIDS at the tender age of 47. I was affected profoundly in that he was the first addict I truly loved with all my heart who died as a result of his addictions.
I am grateful for everything that I went through with him because that was the turning point in my life.
So, from my parents' eyes, marrying him was going to be the biggest mistake of my life.
Today I know I had to come to within days of dying from my own addictions and his beatings to finally surrender and find recovery.
You see, he was a wild haired tattooed felon, and an addict. They didn't know I met him straight out of prison, or that he did drugs for sure. They just knew he was bad news from the get-go, and were sure that was the worst thing that I could do.
I understand today the fear they had in their hearts.
However, it was that bloody, brutal, violent marriage that finally brought me to my knees in my own addictions, and started me on the road to recovery from my addictions, and later my codependency issues.
I had beatings I couldn't even put into words. I was body-slammed to the floor, hit in the head, kicked in the ribs, and thrown down the basement steps.
I also missed contracting HIV from him by about two weeks. He shared needles with another female while I was in rehab.
My mother sent me his obituary last May. He finally succumbed to AIDS at the tender age of 47. I was affected profoundly in that he was the first addict I truly loved with all my heart who died as a result of his addictions.
I am grateful for everything that I went through with him because that was the turning point in my life.
So, from my parents' eyes, marrying him was going to be the biggest mistake of my life.
Today I know I had to come to within days of dying from my own addictions and his beatings to finally surrender and find recovery.
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