drgnfly30

While I was sick in bed last night AH apparently tried to access my emails - now I don't have anything to hide except for my ebay sales & a ton of spam but he when he's been drinking he gets 'ideas' in his head.. he ended up deleting my comcast, defaulting it to AOL broadband (which I DONT have & hope that he didn't sign me up for!) & some other stuff. When I discovered there was a problem, I asked him if he'd any idea what he had done, so I could figure out how to fix it.... Well that's all it took... he demanded that it was "time to talk". This was at 7:30 pm & he was already to the point that he was making no sense, slurring, can't focus his eyes... I should have known better to ask him anything but it really was not in an accusatory fashion! I sat there in silence... for 30 minutes he tried everything in his power to get me to react (accusations, threats, you know the routine). I remained silent and calm.. He went back & forth between anger & being baffled by my silence.. he attributed it to me being scared of him because he told me to "shut up" before this "conversation" began... he couldn't have been more wrong! He was "inviting" me to his join in on his drama but I wasn't accepting the invitation - plain & simple... Most of what he said was a load of crap but there was one thing that he said that has come up before just recently. Tonight it came out as "I think I would be better off alone, I'm looking for a reason to leave but you aren't giving me enough friction..." The other week it was phrased as "I've told you in the past that you were going to give me an ultimatum.. why don't you just go ahead & do it so I can make the decision... you think I'll choose drinking but your wrong" Now mind you he was blasted both times this came up and he probably won't remember any of it but I'm interpreting this as him reaching out for recovery but not wanting to be responsible for the choice. Now I know better.. I'm not prepared financially or emotionally to give an ultimatum I'm not ready to follow through on.. but I simply don't know what to think or how (or if) to act, is this because of the changes I've demonstrated recently? Is he nearing "bottom"? In your experience will my changing behavior eventually get easier for him ... if that makes sense!

Thanks for being here!
Christine

walkingtheline

and I'll bet 99.9% of the others here have heard variations of it as well.

What he wants is a reaction! You're supposed to beg him to stay or get into a shouting match or do something to get into the drama with him! When he figures out that one doesn't work (and because they're so drunk they're slow learners ) it will change...like variations of a theme. Maybe it'll be hints or suicide or something about just disapearing and the continuing theme...you don't love me anymore so what do you care?

You're being tested. You've changed and he's got to test it.

drgnfly30

You are so right... thanks for the perspective! In the past I would have definately done some begging or screaming but lately I've been very restrained. Boy, I really have a long recovery road ahead of me.. I know he's a manipulator but in the midst of the 'drama' I still can get easily con'ed.... In that case I'm extra proud of myself for not reacting!!
Christine

Petunia

Christine,

I am thrilled to read that you realize how well you did. One thing I struggle with is recalling the progress I've made because I am focusing on all that I still need to do. HURRAH for you being sane, and logical, and detached during this episode. You have learned so much. Please try to remember this and give yourself a huge ovation - because you DESERVE IT!

Peace,
Petunia

gelfling

Do you have a small hand held recorder? The kind they use to dictate notes in that will record 30 minutes.

I always thougth of doing this years ago and never did. When he goes on a rampage and starts spewing his "better off being alone and everything else", record it if you can without him knowing it. When he's sober, play it for him. I have absolutely no idea what reaction would come of this and can't say if this is the right thing to do, but I do remember that when I confronted my AH prior to rehab, I couldn't remember a damned thing he said that made me so furious. I think we suffer mental blocks at these times because when they say, "what did I say or do that made you so mad", I couldn't remember a thing.

Just throwing out the idea. I would be interested in knowing what his response or anyone elses would be.

Kathy

drgnfly30

Kathy - funny you should mention the tape recorder.. I admitted this just recently on another thread... The other day I tried to use it but the batteries were dead, the procrastinater in me never replaced them, but last night would have been ideal (since I kept my mouth shut!!) I am on the fence however about replaying it to him, although I have a couple of times.... half of me wants him to KNOW what he puts me through.. it's just not fair that I'm held responsible for every thought, word & feeling because I'm not impaired but he has a scapegoat everytime!!! But the other half of me feels that it is spiteful....Is making him feel guilter than he already feels really helping anything??

Petunia - thanks so much for the compliment... hindsight being 20/20 I can see that I was over analyzing his words, but right after the episode it was so easy to start in on my old thinking.. I'm so glad I have this special place to vent! Whether it's seeing it clearer when it's down on 'paper' or the insight everyone provides it's a blessing!

Have a great weekend & GO EAGLES!!!
Christine

cupowater

Drgnfly, I had a sinilar situation when my AH went into my computers "history" (I don't know WHAT he was hoping to find!) but he found where is said "soberrecovery" and opened it and read my posts! He left the computer up with the "history" collum still showing. (aparently so that I would see that he saw) Well, I didn't respond to it at all! I just acted normal like every other day, even though I was pissed that he envaded my privacy like that and "took away" my way of dealing with his alcoholism. (this board) He quit (or hid) his drinking for about a week, and was back at it again. Now he is acting all nice (nicer then usual) to me, but there is an occasional "comment" that I know comes from what he read. Again, I do not act like I am aware of that. Who knows what he is thinking. Neither one of us has said anything about it. I know for me, I don't want to give him the satisfaction. And much like you, I get the occasional "I'm going to sell the house" or "You can move out any time you like". Stuff like that. It only makes me feel insecure about my future, but I know I will survive!