cupowater

I keep reading that alcoholism is a progressive desease. Although my AH has once said he would cut way back, and just recently found my posts and seemed to stop al together for a week, he is back drinking as usual, just as much as before. To me, he dosen't seem like he would take it to the limit that a lot of the people on here talk about about their AH/ABF's. Are there exceptions to the rule? Could he just continue on as a "funtioning alcoholic" for the rest of his life? Just wondering if anyone has any first hand experience or knowledge of a situation like this.

minnie

cup

I don't know the answer to your question. But I have a question for you. Could you live with the situation if it stayed the same?

Love

Minnie
xxx

cupowater

Well, no. But there are cercomstances about the property we live on. I have posted about it before, and I don't want to bore the ones who I have told on here before. You could look at some of my passes posts to read more about it. In short, we are divorced, everything is in his name, and the land was my inheritence!

queenofthehwy

Cup,

I am so glad you brought this up, I have been wondering the same thing. Mine has drank throughout our entire marriage (13 years). Sometimes it was really bad, sometimes not so bad. He drinks pretty much every night and all day on weekends. He goes to work everyday and doesn't do too terrible of things. He has however gotten one DUI (on mothers day) and is emotionally abusive, and very irresponsible.

So will it get worse, will he take it to the edge, I don't know? Have I gotten so numb to it that it is really worse than it seems, like would someone else look at it and say what the h*** are you doing???

good post Cup!!!!!


Mindi

minnie

Yes, I understand that, hon. What I meant was, if you can't live with THIS situation for the rest of your life, then knowing if it will get any worse won't make any difference. It would already be unacceptable. It would be different if you could live with how he is now, but would not if it got worse.

I'm not sure whether that is any clearer than mud. Sorry.
Love

Minnie
xxx

cupowater

Yes! I see what you are saying now. No, this situation is not acceptable in my book. The biggest issue to me about leaving him, (since we are not leagley (sp) married) is that my mom gave us 2 1/2 acers of her 5, and lives next door, and the property has been in the family for almost 100 years and she has lived here ALL her live and it would CRUSH her if we sold the house. I get half the house when we sell, but it is all in my X's name (long story) I can't afford to buy him out!I wish I could!

minnie

Sorry to be so confusing!

I know you're in a nightmare situation at the moment. I take it you have had legal advice? I understand how hard it would be for your Mum. How did she react when you lost the house in the divorce?

cupowater

Well, she wasn't happy. About the whole THING really. It was a sad thing that our marrage broke up. No one expected it.

minnie

I'm sorry, I seem to have taken your thread off track a bit.

I've had a think about your original question and I think my response is that he hasn't got that bad YET. If you read the stories on the Newcomers and Alcoholism/AA forums, you'll see that people will say it is a progressive thing. And that's from the horses mouth. It may not be a straight line downhill, but the trend is for things to get worse.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel trapped.

Love

Minnie
xxx

wraybear

All I can tell you about is the A's I know. I have known five in the last approximately 5 years that have died as a direct result of Alcoholism. One from suicide, hung himself, around the age of 38. Two from diseased livers - one was a stock broker, big beautiful home, wife and child... drank himself to death. He was about 40. The other one had just turned 50. He also had a very nice life... wife was a salesperson making about $120 grand a year. The other was a possible suicide, age 35 ish... driving about 60 mph on a 20 mph brick curvy road - he was a firefighter. The other was in his mid 50's - heart attack, but his disease progressed to where he drank daily, all day.

My AH has drank for the 30 years I have known him. He is almost 47 and it got really bad in his late 30's early 40's - by really bad, I mean drinking morning, noon and night. I do have a friend whose x is an A.. he is close to 60 now - he was one of these that would be sober for a couple years, then drink for a couple, then be sober for a couple, his life is a mess mess mess. he is a very ill man now.
Out of all the A's I know, my X (been divorced 17 years) still drinks, holds down a job, but changes jobs every year and has no relationships with anyone. Barely sees his mother and maybe once a year sees his kids... we live about 3-4 miles down the road.

So, there ya have it. That's all I can share.

Peaches04

Hi cupofwater....my thought would be that if that were possible, would any of us be on this board? My AH is a 'functioning' alcoholic too... alot of our friends wouldn't believe me if I told them he was. But, I know....

TinyVoice

I wrestled with this issue too. Because apparently my ex-BF has drank like this for years. I know his ex-wife well and she has filled me in on a lot of things. Sometimes I'm cautious to believe her because she will tell me things taht I suspect are intended to keep me with him (if he's with someone he's out of her hair). Anyway...off track...I often wondered, well if he's been like this for years, maybe it won't get worse. He never missed a day's word becaue of drinking. He came home every night. He's a very high functioning alcoholic.

But as a previuos poster said....he never sees his children, he has few relationships, He's jealous, insecure, seems ashamed and has a chip on his shoulder, etc. Many things that I think are connected to his shame of his disease.

The one thing that always stuck with me though is that his father drank like this for years and at a very young age had a stroke. He's disabled now and my ex's mother has to take care of him. Not a life I want to live because of alcohol. In short, I think it is progressive. They all progress at different rates and to different extents. So, we all wish we could have a crystal ball. I'm so sorry about the house issue. Is there no other way around taht??

myselfagain

So true about friends, in our case it is co-workers that we worked with years agian and know both of us.We both work for the same large company. WHen I see these folks and they ask about him, i tell them we are divored and why. Their reaction is one of disbelief. ________ an A ? WOW.
Ya never know what goes on behind closed doors!

walkingtheline

I did the search and read a brief explanation about what happened. Whew!

There are a few things you two could maybe do if he were willing.

1. If you two need to make a large purchase and/or are not happy about your current rate, you could refi adding your name to the note.

2. If you haven't done so, you should have your mother make a statement about how the land was a gift to you. It should be notarized and put in a very safe place (like a safe deposit box). Should something happen to her you might one day need to prove it was a gift to you.

3. If you have not done so, you both should have a will or perhaps even better, form a family trust holding the land and property in trust for the children but allowing the parent or parents the right to live there until death. Like many A's, he has a greater chance of an accident or other illnesses. Should something happen to you, you'd want reassurance the children would one day inherit the property, you certainly would not want it sold out from under them.

The absolute BEST thing you could do is consult an attorney. Tell him or her the entire story and get some good advice. A consultation will not cost that much and you could gain much from the visit.

Loopylou

Mu husband is also a functioning alcoholic. He doesn't drink in the mornings but does drink every lunchtime, on the way home from work and all evening every evening. At weekends he will start drinking around 1.00ish lunchtime and continue all afternoon till midnight or whenever he passes out. He has no memory of half of the things he says and does. It is definitely a progressive disease. When I first met him we bothe drank quite a lot in pubs etc socially. He used to be able to go the odd day without a drink or without a lot to drink. When we had kids etc I stopped going to pubs etc although I do have the odd wine at home from time to time. Over the last year he has taken to drinking wine at the same time as his beer (one or two bottles a night). He always drinks at lunch, he sometimes drinks whiskey. He looks awful and has periods when he really struggles to remember anything - I've noticed he writes things down a lot. His temper is dreadful and he is angry all the time. He rants and raves at the TV and drives me up the wall. My counsellor asked me the question about what do I think he will be like in 20 years time yesterday. My reply was, "Dead". I desparetly want to leave my husband but just can't at the moment.

cupowater

Walking,
He did refi, and refused to put me on the note. I still will get 1/2 when we sell, but as far as the kids, they are 22 and 19 now and he has told me that it would all go to them if he passed. So that is all good if I was to stay forever, but the chance of leaving now would bring up the issue of loosing the family property. Thats why I feel stuck. I don't think it would make a difference if we got a notorized paper from my mom because I received the property while we were married! It becomes property of both then! Thanks for all the good advice!

stilltrying

Cup of Water: You may want to double check. I live in Ohio as well and have a very similar situation regarding "property". When I was working with attorneys a few months ago, I was told NOT to worry about the property that my Mom lives in (My AH and I own the house, however, my parents paid the downpayment and livew there). He said that it was a gift TO ME from my parents and even though we were married at the time that I received it it is viewed by the courts the same was as an inheritance in that the spouse has NO rights to it. Again....best advise I see is to speak with an attorney.....

cupowater

Thanks Stilltrying! I will check that out!

Peaches04

Hi cupofwater - I'd check out what stilltrying said - I know in Texas when my sis got divorced, her husband had gotten a big inheritance the year before they got divorced, and she didn't get a penny of it!

wraybear

My best friend inherited quite a bit when her mother passed several years ago. She was married and went to a divorce attorney last year who told her the inheritance is HERS and her H is not entitled to any of it if they get divorced. (they live in Kansas)
Some good attorney's will give a free consultation too. You may want to check that out too.

Good luck, I know this can be difficult, but you must do what's best for YOU.