1sunshine2

As some of you may know, my husband moved out on the 13th of December after a whole bunch of drunk stuff. He moved in with his mom who has been in recovery for about 20 years. The entire two weeks he lived there prior to going to jail for 15 days. She was taking him to the stor to get cigarettes, and every single time he came out with lots and lots of beer. The whole time she was pretending to us, the wife, the grown kids etc., that she had no idea if he was drinking. Finally at xmas it all came out that he was getting drunk and staying drunk while his mom was his taxi driver. (he had gotten a dui just prior to his moving out and lost his license)...anyway after 15 days of jail he began to call me and the kids, going to an outpatient rehab program, going to AA several nites a week. I was taking him, at his request to be a part of his program. We have been working out things really intensely. And now he and I have agreed that he can come home. However, since he has been at his mom's there has been some resentment built up on the part of myself and the kids. She wrote checks out of his bank account, that he had no knowledge of. And even asked her about which she said she didn't remember ever cashing any checks. He went to the bank and got copies of the checks. And she signed them, and cashed them at the teller window. She has turned the ringer off on the phone, so that he couldn't receive any calls from his family. and then of course the whole lieing thing about his drinking. Today he had a conversation with her, because we agreed that it would be best if she didn't come to our home at this time. However, in this whole conversation he had with her today, not once did he mention that he has any feelings on the matter of her part in all of this mess. He told her I didn't want her to come over, and it was between she and I, and we would have to work things out. That he couldn't speak for me, but that I don't want her around, basically. So he needed to tell her. And I did say I didn't want her around. And it wouldn't be a good idea for her to show up at our house. What I am so angry about right now. Is that he made it all about me. Not one sentence in his conversation was about how he felt. Or even how we felt as a couple...strictly about me and the kids being angry with her...And now I am angry with him....am I wrong in being mad at him for basically pawning this all off on us? Am I unreasonable to say, why didn't you tell her any of what you feel? When I said that to him, he said. I don't care about any of that. She is who she is and she is neve going to change, and I basically give a crap what she did. Why am I so mad about this? I am really really mad...please give me some perspective. Cos I just can't stop being mad at him for not saying....mom....you have a role in all this mess. You lied and you stole, and you have been manipulating my relationship by shutting off the phone etc....help help help...

hope2bhappy

She sounds like a very manipulative person, and she did some nasty things. It was obviously in her interest to keep her son drunk and living in her home, which is why she turned off the phone and made sure the two of you couldn't communicate. I would be angry too, if my husband didn't take a stand. Mine has done the same thing on several occasions in the past. His mother will pull some stunt which hurts me/us, and his response is always that he can't change the way she is... yadda, yadda, yadda. And he's right -- he can't. But just once I'd like to see him confront her. Why is it so easy for him to let it go, but it just eats away at me???

I don't have any answers for you, but I do know how you feel. I guess the important thing is that the two of you have decided to work things out. You have to move forward from here. One way of looking at it... she tried to manipulate your relationship and keep the two of you apart, but it didn't work. You can't change the way she is, or the way he reacts to her. Try to let it go. She's not worth wasting your energy and anger on. Her attempts to keep you apart failed -- let this be your victory and "revenge" for her bad behavior.

JessicaNAJ

I don't think your wrong - of course you want your H to side with you and show he supports your decision.

We all know that our AH's are going to do what they want to do. It's hard when they don't care about something we care so much about.

If you are working it out with your AH then you are going to have to accept that he will have his own opinion about things and will not always handle things the way you would - he is not you an you cannot change that. It's all about acceptance.

I'm sorry if that sounded harsh.... Those are just my thoughts.

I don't blame you for being mad - I would be too if I was in your shoes.

Remember that lightbulb joke - how many CoDe's does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, he/she keeps flipping the switch waiting for it to come on.

1sunshine2

I can see this is a control problem I am having. And haven't given up...This one is a hard one to let go of...I appreciate the honesty. If no one is honest, I will never muttle through. I look to you guys to say, hey look what you are doing. In order for me to see things more objectively...working on it...ugghhhhhhhh

JessicaNAJ

It's not easy admitting we are faults - don't be so hard on yourself. Recognizing it as a problem is the most important step.

You are doing great!! And we are always here for you.

hugs to you sunshine!!