peapod

well, here i go again...i think i've got sex on the brain, but i'm a newleywed and not gettin' any! i know my husband is an alcoholic. he gets drunk every weekend...the thing is, though, i probably wouldn't care as long as i was satisfied...i'd like to be making love and intimate with him 2 or 3 times a week, but i can barely get him to be interested once a week. so we're only having sex about 3 times a month--we're young and without kids, so i know it's not going to be getting any better. he gets drunk more than he wants to make love. i read on the internet that one reason men might lose interest in sex would be due to alcoholism--is this true? now don't go thinking that i'm some kind of sex fiend....because it's not just about sex. i want to be intimate and close to him....and when i'm not i start to feel cold and resentful--i hate feeling like this. has anyone experienced anything like this and, if so, do you have advice for me? i feel like i'm going nuts! am i wasting my life here?? because if his low sex drive is due to his drinking problem, i'm outta here. i can't live my life like this. i feel like ****...like, what's wrong with me? why doesn't my husband desire me? i'm constantly trying to initiate and constantly being rejected...and it's wreaking havoc on my self-esteem. and this depression is totally pervasive....it's ruined the past 3 days of my life, and he hasn't even been drinking the past 3 days...just wants to watch TV and go to bed early....UUUGGGHHH!

walkingtheline

My ABF is interested as long as he's been drinking. He's quite good at it too...I will admit it's the only aspect of our relationship where he is thoughtful and tender.

I have great difficulty with it emotionally and, Lord, how I hate his smell when he's drinking. I always think, gee, he needs to be drunk to make love to me-can't or isn't interested when he's sober. Not a happy thought.

I want Samantha's powers....wiggle my nose and make things the way I want them!

whiston

My ex was totally the oppostie to your husband. He was sex mad when he was a drunk - but it had to be on his terms without any consideration towards my needs which left me feeling used and frustrated. When he got sober, he wouldn't come near me at all. I felt totally rejected and undesirable. He came up with every excuse and instigated rows in order to sleep on the sofa. When I confronted him about his lack of sex drive he accused me of being verbally abusive! I went away to work for four months - thinking that when I returned he would have missed me so much, things would improve in that department. Wrong. The first thing he said when I got in the door was 'how about giving me a blow job'! YUK! Then I found the porn magazines and viagra tablets in the bedside cabinet. He preferred masturbation and phone sex to the real thing. We are no longer together. If I'm in a relationship I want it to be complete and that means sexual intimacy that fulfills both partners needs. I think you should sit him down and have an honest chat about it.

bluester

peapod...here is a post taken from another thread.
Quote:
"Also, the sex is lacking. We barely have sex once a week, and often times it seems like he's just going through the motions--is that normal for alcoholics? Do alcoholics lose desire for sex? I always initiate, and am very often turned down--it's devastating.



Welcome Peapod:

I can't believe I'm about to share this with you because it's so very personal but your situation reminds me so much of my own relationship with my AB that reading it brought a flood of painful emotions to the surface and I feel compelled to share my story in hopes that it will help you decide the right move for you.

I met my AB 23 years ago. He was warm, caring, sweet, and gentle. He was my best friend in the world and a fabulous lover. I so cherished our time together. There's nothing more wonderful than being intimate with someone you love with all your heart.

But over the years, his alcoholism began to take a toll on him and on his health too. About 2 years ago, he began to lose interest in sex and if I didn't initiate it, he'd just roll over and go to sleep. As his disease progressed, he began to ignore my attempts to initiate sex and I was often turned down. Eventually he ignored me completely.

Which brings me to today. Your post reminded me that I haven't had a single intimate moment with my AB in 18 months now. No sex of any kind, no hugs, no hand holding, not a single caress, not a single kiss. He is completely incapable of of sharing any part of himself with me. You see, he has a relationship that's much more important to him than me--a relationship with a bottle of gin.

Had I known what I know today--that alcoholism is a progressive disease--I would have run for hills years ago. Based on my experience, I can tell you that the pain that you're feeling today will only increase over time and the feelings of frustration and loneliness will increase tenfold as your husband's disease progresses. And there is nothing you can do to stop your husband from drinking and nothing you can do to fix your relationship because you can't fix it alone.

Until your husband decides that he is powerless over alcohol and asks his HP for help, he will continue on the path he has chosen. You need to ask yourself if you're willing to live like this. You need to ask yourself if you want to have children with a man who has no love to give. You need to ask yourself if you deserve more.

I know I deserve more. Nobody should have to live like this. And that's why I'm hard at work planning a life--without him.

You've only wasted 2 years, I've wasted 23 years. You're still young and you have your whole life ahead of you. You deserve a happy life with a healthy partner. So do I. Happiness is there for the taking. All we have to do is grab it.

Welcome to Sober Recovery, big hugs to you." UNQUOTE.

peapod...alcoholism is a disease. Very hard to deal with..for family members..whatever the age or conditions. Seems in alot of family stituations..lack of sex is a common problem. No matter what age...male or female.
All I can say is go to AlAnon...talk to your family GP...seek out your religious faith.
I have the same problem and know it will never change..because my AH won't admit he has a problem. Reason I am leaving this year. Just got to get my action plan into place.
Know you are looking for instant advice to cure your problem....but its not that easy. You are young..so take a good look at this problem and decide if this is the way you want to spend your life and if you have kids...what will their future be like???
Don't mean to be so...in your face or candid,but you need to smell the roses and take those rose colored glasses off. You are young. Don't do like I did. Wake up at 50 and realize what a dumb mistake I have made...wasting my life on some one who won't or can't stop drinking. There is nothing I can do to help him. He has to be the one to come to terms with his drinking. I may love him so much..but what good is that? I stay and feel guilty because I can't help him...anger because he won't have sex two/three times a week. The only time my AH can get it up..is when he is drunk..with the smell of alcohol on his breath...slurred speech..can't stand up and he is so rough..only concerned about his own needs and he can't follow-through on the sex and can't figure out why. He will try for hours..only to pass out and won't remember a thing in the morning. Thinks all is okay. Sad,isn't it?
This is truly a world of loneliness. I don't do that well..at all.
Good luck....you have alot on your plate.

itsgreen

Wow! It's amazing the subject you choose. I was going to choose the same subject before I logged on this morning. Peapod, if the drinking continues I'm afarid it only gets worse. I've been with my AH for 6 years. At first it was fun, exciting, loving, romantic, intimate, passionate and all the good things that come from a loving relationship. I closed my eyes to the fact I knew he was a drinking alcoholic when we married. I was so blinded by love, I didn't see the truth.

Right now, I'm at the stage where I am realizing its either, quit drinking, get help or I'm out of here. Bluestr was right when mentioning the kids. I have a 4 year old boy and a 14 month old girl who are already in the mix of problems that occur daily. Beer is my AH choice of a relationship. Right now my AH is going through outpatient treatment and still has drinks..."not as many," he says. Doesn't matter...one or 20 it still makes me angry. I'm so caught up in depression and anxiety my children suffer. Driving drunk to get more beer, picking up the kids ( which has stopped ). You will be caring for your kids pretty much by yourself. You'll be scared he's driving with the kids and you don't know it. My son seems depressed and I worry about his future. I have to grab empty beer cans from the baby because he's left one in reach and she tries to drink it. These things happen. This has been my experience. I hope you don't experience any of this.

Sex is pretty much once a month and only if I initiate it. I used to think my AH was my soulmate. I often wonder these days if that were a lie also. Sex is never about what my needs are. I wrote him a letter telling him that very thing last night. I don't even know if I can get through to him. It's my last attempt. I'm going to go get a book called "Co-dependency No More" by Melody Beattie today and read and practice what it says. I'm so sexually frustrated. I go to bed most nights hoping just once he'd fullfill my needs. I haven't had the big "O" in a long time.

It all started to happen when I got pregnant with our son. He complained about the weight I'd gained. My AH told me he found me unattractive. That hurts when someone you love tells you something like that. I didn't lose much weight after our son was born. He'd initiate sex sometimes but he started not being able to have sex not long enough for me. Then I lost desire to have sex. Now I'm at the point where I need some relief. I don't know what to do. I've let him know my needs and its his choice to do or not do them. If he chooses the alcohol then I must cope or get out.

There's so much at stake when it comes to mine and our kids lives. It's painful to finally come to the conclusion that I need to live my life for me and detach from him. It's made me angry, anxious, depressed, and scared. Coming to this group and going to al-anon helps.

Your decision is up to you and you're in my prayers. I shared my story with you because I would like you to take a realistic look at what your future could hold. Sex is only one issue. It gets worse. My love and thoughts are with you.

mushroom

If he's an alcoholic then his primary love relationship is going to be with the alcohol or whatever. Not with a person. He doesn't need to be drinking for that to still be so. The addiction prevents him from forming an emotional attachment to other people. And what good is sex without an emotional relationship? aside from the physical limitations alcohol imposes. My AH hasn't been able to get it up for longer than I can remember. Plus he's emotionally withdrawn. It's no way to live, for me or for him. But it's not at all unusual for an A.

You're not asking for too much. You're just asking for it from someone who can't give it.

peapod

Thank you all so much for responding and sharing your stories. It means so much to me that there are people out there who know what I'm going through...You're right, Bluester, I am looking for an easy answer. I'm starting to realize that does not exist. Last night he drank 2 bottles of wine and (2) 40 ouncers...this morning I called him at work to see if he made it there. He had called in sick a couple of weeks ago due to a hangover--that was the first time he did that. He's at work today and doesn't understand why I'm that annoyed with him. I said he drank an enormous amount of booze on a weeknight. His response? It wasn't an enormous amount....obviously he's delusional if he thinks that's normal.
Well, I'm going to my first Al-anon meeting tonight. I need to figure this out fast. Life is too short. I love him, but I'm miserable. Where's the sense in that?Thanks for your support and encouragement. I'll let you know how it goes...

Dee at Mt Bully

Peapod--AHs have different ways of treating sex when they drink--my Ah was
all huggy lovey at some stages of drunkiness and then after a few more beers he'd
be grabby and demanding either way a drunk is very unfair to thier wife or SO.
When an alcoholic is drinking everything is about them and their next drink and if
they should quit drinking and seek recovery they often go through a period of
sexual disfunction. It's just not a pretty picture and I'm afraid I'm not offering you
much hope. Take care of yourself and your self esteem--this is his sickness not
yours. You are fine normal and healthy --treat yourself good--keep reading here
and you will learn a lot about AHs---smiles--Dee

queenofthehwy

Get used to saying that A LOT!!!

I can not relate to a lack of sex. He wants it all the time. I don't ever. I guess the reason I don't is because he is an A and it's all about HIM.

I hope you get some answers tonight. Remember at first a lot of what they say at meetings doesn't make any sense at all. Come here and read and it will.

Take Care

Mindi

stilltrying

I feel compelled to post in this thread because this has been a really big issue in my marriage currently. When my AH and I got together 10 years ago our intimate relationship was nothing short of wonderful. We were both drinking alot during that time but I did not then recognize it for the problem that it was. Shortly thereafter I became pregnant. I would have to say that during that time is when I fully recognized the impact and progression of his disease. I would watch as he got DRUNK every night. He physically disgusted me at that time. I had no desire for a physical relationship with him while he was drunk. After the birth of our daughter and as his disease CONTINUED to progress....he was unable to perform. It came to a point that we would go for MONTHS without intimacy. This became a way of life. I an happy to say that my AH has now been in recovery for 2 1/2 years. I am sad to say that our sex life is non-existent. He had an affair a short time ago. The affair has ended and he constantly tells me how much he loves me and wants our marriage to survive, however, he has NO interest in sex. He is on an anti-depressant and I am wondering if that has an impact. I do know this....I do now want to be in a marriage without intimacy....however...I do love him and wish so much that this part of our life was as important to him as it is to me.....

Peaches04

I, like so many of you, have the same story. I married my AH 6 years ago, and we had sex all the time, had kids, still had sex all the time...until I became so depressed and fed up with the drinking....I started to hate it. Like stilltrying said, it just disgusted me. I always felt used, and not like I was making love, but just sex. I would literally dread it. I'm sure he got so tired of his turned down advances, he eventually quit trying.
I finally gave him the ultimatum to stop drinking, and he did - and while he wasn't, our sex life came back, and the first time we had sex sober, I actually started crying. It made me realize the intimacy I had been longing for. Needless to say, the no drinking didn't last and I am getting a divorce. All I can say is that when an alcoholic is involved, intimacy is non-existant. I tricked myself into thinking that was not so, but it's true. Not to sound cliche, but you can run, but it catches up with you.
I would seriously, seriously re-read Itsgreens post - I can confirm and re-confirm every word she said. It's amazing how parallel all of our lives are, and how alone we have felt for so long. Good luck to you sweetie - and always remember, it's NOT you...it's him. Someone out there would "love you long time"...just not an alcoholic!

Dotty

Hi, I am new to this, but not new to an A partner and a zero level of sex. I am a man, married for nearly 20 years, I still have a high sex drive, I would like sex once or twice a week, however I have had sex twice in the past 18 months, both times my wife was drunk, and she wanted sex.
She tried to initiate sex last week, again when drunk, I felt disgusted in that the ONLY time she wants sex with me is when she is drunk. This time the answer was no and I told her it made me sad that she could only sleep with me if she was drunk.She has been an A for over six years now and sex life has collapsed to the state it is now.
We have two children and I stay with her for their sake. There is no love now, I am the one who still gives her hugs, I hold her hand, I am the one who rubs her shoulders and tells her I love her. She has not told me that she loves me (when sober) for over two years, she shows me no affection at all.
It is awful, she spends about a third of each month drunk, she lies about going to councilling or seeing the doctor.

God this is good to get this out, it is VERY difficult as a man to speak to anyone about this. Thanks for the chance to get a little of it out.

Dotty
Paepod, sorry I don't have an answer but not all men are bad news!! Good luck.

nutz

I'm a recovering alki/addict
Used to live with a nemfo in my drinking..geeze I wonder why.
she'll get me mad so I can get drunk , I guess she loves it like that.
Most women I've met or all my relationships were pretty much the sameway
I don't really know if they're alkis or not.
But why they choose to be with me I would never know.
A lot of party hardy together, But I'm the a-hole with a problem.

Living with another recoverying alki
I subtitude sex for alcohol and drugs at first. holy scmoly. (23)
Then it limp for a while.
But I also told my partner that I no longer like that angery sex stuff.
But we were willing to admitt it and willing to learn and grow.
Willing to listen , read , daring the care and love or pleasure each other.
We didn't get kingie and respect one another bonderies or growing process.
Just differnt posistion in differnent places.
I a guy...I do know the differnent between sex and making love.
I can feel it. I love the woman I was with and wanted her to be happy.
I love seeing that look ,grind and sparkle in her eyes.
Sometimes I hear people say she was happy and glowing.lol
1000s ways to be romatic was the book I got to help keep the fire burning.
I found that our sex lives is also in line with other areas of our lives.
I enjoy sex today, I don't have a problem getting it up and keeping it up.
I'm currently 37.

minnie

Welcome to sr, dotty. I'm from the uk too.

Why don't you start a new thread, then we can get to know you? There are some guys around here, but don't worry, you'll get wonderful support from us ladies too.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Dotty

Minnie, hi thanks for the support, how do I start a thread (sorry I've not even been to a chat room before!!)

Dotty

minnie

that's ok.

there's a "new thread" button on the top left of the forum screen i.e. the screen before this one. type away and click "submit new thread".

Looking forward to getting to know you.

Sorry peapod, I have hijacked your thread and not replied to your question. I with Peaches. For me, sex is an expression of intimacy and love and I was not interested in having sex with someone who was more interested in himself than in me. However, my ex saw sex as a way of achieving intimacy. lose/lose situation.

ahcb

Ladies,

I have a question. How do you explain a lost sex drive in somebody that has been sober for a bit better than a year. If it is a trade, sobriety for sex, well her being sober is better for all concerned. But i dont want it to be a trade......

stilltrying

I'm with you ahcb....that is what I'm going through with my AH....after 2 years in recovery.