jessicajo

Hello all, its me again. I just thought that I needed to share this. I go to meetings everyday that I am off but it seems that everytime I go to a meeting my mom is there. Don't get me wrong it is great that my mom and I have something in common to talk about and it is awesome that today we are both clean and sober but I feel that sometimes I can't share what I need to share :mad because of her so my sponsor suggested to do it here. Sometimes I feel like this is unfair. Being 19, almost 20, and being an addict. It has been a custom in my family for years that the dad take the newly turned 21 to a bar to have their "first" drink. For me he will be about 7 years too late. I feel like I have been deprived at my age in being an addict. I know that I am an addict and will always be an addict but honestly I feel jipped. I go to meetings and I am always the youngest besides for the kids in the playroom. Most people tell me that I am an inspiration, that what I am doing is great. But I feel like I should be able to be a kid again. I never really had a childhood. I was forced to grow up too fast with the family life that I had and instead of taking it I used. I almost have 4 months clean and I feel decent today. But recently I have been thinking about it and I feel like I was ripped out of being a kid into automatically being an adult. I don't remember most of my teenage years. I missed so much in my lil sister's life and now my dad is dying ever so slowly. What ever happend to the lil Jessica everyone keeps reminding me of? Most of my family doesn't understand and they keep telling me that I was just being a rebellious teenager. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't but there is one thing that I do know, I DON"T want to go back to that hell of feeling like I HAVE to use just to function. I hope someone has some experience, strength and hope on this subject because I need some advice. I love you all.
Hugs,
Jess

:na2

sherbear5104

(((Jess)))

Kudos to you for coming into the fellowship while you still young enough to live a full life. I have a very good friend who is 19, and will have 2 years clean on Valentines Day. She often times feels the same way you do right now. What the others are saying about giving them inspiration, it's true. You do. Hang in there. I am 34, and I truly enjoy spending time with my friend. She feels old, missing her teenage years. However, we have a lot of fun together and pretend to be kids again. I don't know if this helped, but do know that you are not alone!

Sherry

GettingFree

Hi Jessica, It sounds to me like your feelings make a lot of sense. From what you describe, there was alot of pain for you growing up, and to survive, you tried to make the pain less with your addiction.

"Just a rebellious teenager" minimizes what you're feeling, both now and then. It may help the people saying it feel less responsible for your pain, but it invalidates what you're feeling.

Mourning what you missed is a real need. It helps to be heard and acknowledged. So come here often. Know that what you're feeling is 100% valid. It would be great if you could get some counselling and have a private face-to-face setting to talk some of these feelings through. Is there a possibility for that? Also, is there any chance of attending a group separate from your mother? I think it's really important that people feel safe to share, and for most, having close family members would be a deterrent to that.

take care
gf

squirrelly77

Hey Jessica...
Yep, I can definitely relate to that feeling of being "ripped" out of being a child and dropped into instant adulthood. I think it has to do with a survival instinct that kicks in based on how we're raised. Although I was "taken care of" physically--I always had a place to live, food on the table, and clothes on my back...the emotional nuturing was lacking. I was left alone for long periods of time when I was really young, and basically felt ignored a lot while growing up. My parents did the best they could and I know that they didn't necessarily raise me to feel that way on purpose, but they had issues of their own they were dealing with,and as a child--I only thought what I thought in my immature mind. Unfortunately, it's that emotional and mental scarring that carries over into adolescence when things are very up and down to begin with, and the only way we know how to "survive" the emotional turmoil that we're going through is to sort of skip over our childhood. I know that was never "allowed" to feel the vulnerability that most teenagers do, because I thought if I stopped to feel something like that just for a minute, it meant my demise.
So, as a result, I felt like I went from 10 to 20 in a matter of a couple years. During that time I took on more responsibilty than any teenager should but one of the main differences with me, is that that meant absolutely no drinking or drugging...or anything that reminded me of being carefree and reckless. Therefore, I didn't start regularly drinking until I was about 21. Then, it went all down-hill in a matter of a couple years (I'm 27 now). During that time when I was binge drinking and partying...I completely did a 360. I threw all caution to the wind...I did A TON of "bad kid" stuff...I got myself into a ton of debt, but all the while I kept thinking "what am I DOING!?!" Of course, I had to drink away all my feeling of guilt. Vicious cycle.
I remember talking to a past therapist about this...I said that I knew what I was doing was very childish and irresponsible, and I asked "why now?" He said that the thinks the majority of people that grew up like I did feel like they "skipped" over an important part of growing up, so they go back and re-live the times they felt they missed. I can sorta see what he was saying, but I definitely wish the end results didn't get me into as much trouble as it did. I wish that I didn't have to be a total screw-up before I finally got my act together.
Oh well...coulda, woulda, shoulda. Learn and move on. By the way...that's cool that your mom decided to get clean too. I don't know how I would feel being at a meeting with one of my parents. I knew this girl and her mom who both went to AA, but the meeting I was at had seperate groups that broke off--and they were in two different groups. Of course, that was a big meeting to begin with. Sorry I can't really offer any advice on how to deal with that situation. I'm sure someone else here might.

Take care ,
Danielle

GettingFree

Hi Danielle,

Perhaps your therapist had more to say about this than you've written here, but the time in your early twenties of being a 'bad girl' may be more than simply 're-living times they felt they've missed".

Children who grow up in dysfunctional households with parents absorbed with their own issues and unable to provide the love and nurturing that a child needs, do often grow up super quick. They need to. And as well, in cases when parents are not responsible, the children learn to be ultra-responsible, often taking care of their parents' needs or the household needs.

Then kids like this grow into adults and can feel pretty resentful, hurt and angry about this, even if this anger is below the surface and not entirely conscious. And what follows can be a lot of acting out. "I don't want to be responsible. I don't want to have to be mature and conscientious. I want to do whatever, and f*** the consequences." It's a form of rebellion against all the burdens and hurts that we grew up with.

When 'normal' teenagers -- teenagers who haven't suffered a lot of wounding as children -- 'rebel' or 'act out', they do it to establish their own identity separate from their parents, and when done within safe boundaries, is a healthy thing. Piercings don't hurt you.

When teenagers rebel in ways that threaten their health, and life, it's in response to deep hurts and ways to dissociate from those hurts.

best,
gf

na4today

Hey Jessica

I think it's great that you are in recovery at a young age. In my homegroup, there is a lot of young folks and I admire that they have a chance to change early and not at 33 like I did. I feel like I missed a lot of my childhood with the family I have. I also feel like I missed the time when I should have been doing something for my future. I know that it is never too late for an education, but I am way behind. So many people my age are set in careers and don't sweat the future so much. I wonder what I'm ging to do to be able to support myself when the time comes, and it's coming fast.
Are there other meetings you can go to that your mom won't be there?
Congratulations on your clean time and being young in recovery!!

Andy F

Hi Jess

I was taken to AA when I was just turned 21yrs old. After 3 months I went back out for around 9 months. Came back, drank once, had my last drink at just 23 yrs old. That was 1982.

Weren't many people under 30 then. I was the youngest in my area by a long way. I had one person say he couldn't help thinking that what I needed was a spell in the military. I often felt a fraud, a mental case as opposed to a genuine alcoholic. I loved the tradition of the only requirement for membership was a desire to stop drinking. I did good to stick around. I was legitimate, but didn't know it then. It helped when I knew I had the mind or mentality of what we label an alcoholic.

I was angry when people said they had drank for 20, 30 years. I felt inadequate and robbed of the experience. People often said to me 'wish I was clever enough to get it at your age'. They peed me off too! lol.

I am a fat forty five year old now. It gives me great pleasure to identify with you. At my homegroup is a young man who had his last drink aged 20. He's now around 25. I have great respect, not for his age, but for what he has learnt and become. He's stuck with it and becoming the individual he wants to be.

I'm glad you shared.

Andy F

jessicajo

((((EVERYONE)))))
Thank you all for everything you said. I am here at my dads house picking up my little sister for the day! YEAHH!!!! Well I will write more later on I have to go. Everything you all have said helped me tremendously. You have gave me the courage and strength to go and share because I now have validity to say what I need to say. Thank you all so much. Now its time to go be that "responsibe adult" and clean my apartment. HAHAHAHA.
Love and luck,
Jess

CAPTAINZING2000

Jessi,
reading what you put down. What makes you think, you can't b a kid? Just do it w/o the drugs and alcohol the kids are doing around you. I think about how I thought the kids not doing the partying were squares. I now wish, I'd have been the square. If, you can be happy inside, you don't need to have a drug or drink in you to create a false happiness.

We are all proud of you in here. You have the chance to make a good life for your self. Too many lives have been destroyed over drugs and booze. You can be a shining example to everyone your age.
'
TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE



CHRIS

Chy

Just because your in recovery doesn't mean you can't be a kid! Do what you want, go where you want, only difference is you don't have to drink or use over any situation your in, and that's a good thing! You don't relate getting wasted and being a kid do you? I know many smart non-addictive kids who still have a great time "growing up". We're a tad skewed in our thinking.

dave

Hi jessica I used to feel the same way you do.Your very lucky at such a young age that you knew you had a problem and got the help needed.If it helps you got one person who,s proud of you.Keep up on doing what your doing because believe it or not you made me think of the stuff i used to fool myself with too to go on usingI wish you another 24hrs,THANKS

nutz

I came into recovery at 23..
Some of them old farts be tell'in me I wasn't ready.
What the hell dose it means to be a responsiable adult anyways.
Always some jerk tell'in me do this don't do that. Be like this, be like that.
Somethings just don't ever change. And what's up with all these
damn bill's in the mail.
I'm also responsiable for my recovery..Good lord all these responsibilities.

One thing I came to know, I'm a child GOD.. so there it is.
I ALLOW myself to be happy is the key.
Sometimes I play wiht all my R/C toys
Sometimes I write music
Jumping on my bed with my step daughters was so much fun.

My disease took everything away from me
my childhood, my teenage years, my adulthood,
my hope, my dreams. Basically my life.

I also know while some might try to stop me.
It is me, myself and I... that will ultimately stop me from doing anything,
or ALLOW myself to do anything.
I'm responsiable for myself....holy schmoly, but what a relief.

hopealwayz

Jess, you are doing great! You can still be a kid. A life without alcohol and drugs is much better and allows us to be much better kids.

Hope