Lolobug

No, she hasn't been the kind of mom kids dream of having. She wasn't there for me alot of times and I couldn't talk to her about alot of stuff. She is an alcoholic and she is in the hospital right now at the age of 53 with end stage liver disease and ammonia in her brain which causes brain damage. I am afraid she is not going to be around much longer. She was told she absolutely has to stop drinking. I don't know if she even cares.

I want her to know that I do love her and cherish the times that we did have together but I am afraid that it might push her over the edge or make her more depressed or whatever - I don't want to take the blame for any of it if I did write the letter. But I also feel like there is alot I want her to know if she did pass away. I am scared. I just wondered what you all think about this. Thanks so much - Lolobug

JT

(((LoLo)))

I would suggest you do whatever gives you the most peace. It is so hard after the fact when we regret not doing something. It would be so much better for you if you do everything you can. Tell her...I can't imagine why it would upset her.

Hugs,
JT

chinalee78

I think it's so hard to remember that the alcoholic is hurting too. I mean, as I'm just starting my own recovery process, I'm recognizing that father is himself an acoa, one who has never even been able to take his first step toward that recovery, much less the journey towards sobriety. His selfishness is all-encompassing; he has completely surrounded himself by a wall of it. And he's completely and utterly self-destructive. When he nearly died a couple years ago of massive hemorrhaging in his stomach, my biggest concern was that he would die miserable, with so much left unsettled, with so many regrets and feelings of disappointment. Of course, I think he was totally willing to die.

The bottom line is that, whether your mom dies from this particular disease or due to some other random act of nature or even an accident, she and everyone else is going to die. You have no control over how soon it happens, nor do you have any control over how she responds to your words. It think this is part of the separation that we must make from them--not to release them from our scope of love and concern, but to break the ties we think we have to their pain, their own issues, their sadness. In the same way that forgiveness is really more for ourselves than the forgiven [thanks, petunia], your need to express your love and appreciation is just as much for you as it is for her.

It seems to me from your message that your mother is in a place of serious desperation and sadness. You can hold yourself in no way responsible for her depression, because it's obvious that her issues run much deeper than you could possibly have any direct link to. Expressing your love will not truly worsen something that is already so scarred. And you will know that, however she receives it, at least she knows.

chinalee

Lolobug

Thanks so much - so well said. I guess the only thing that concerns me is that if she started drinking again, especially after reading something I wrote that let her know how much I love her and all, I would feel responsible. No matter how much I know that I am not, deep down I would feel I was. I guess I don't know how to get rid of this. I guess I have a big problem with not rocking the boat. If I don't do anything, than nothing can be my fault. So that keeps me from writing this letter to let her know how much I love her. A letter like that shouldn't upset her at all, but I don't want it to make her think about all that she has missed from all the years of drinking. I think I will write her a little something in e-mail but not everything I wanted to write - it can get pretty deep and emotional with me! Thanks you guys!!! Lolobug

Lolobug

Oh and PS - my mom is also an ACOA so I know how much she is hurting which also saddens me. I just don't want to say anything wrong like I know how hard she has tried - nothing to remind her of any of it. Not coming from me anyways......Thanks Lolobug

luluabel

((((lolo)))) I am an acoa and an alcholic myself,my dad died 12 years ago from pancreatitus he was 51 years old as so often happens i had become the parent in the relationship and when he died i felt as if i had lost a child but what kept me going was two days before he died i told how i felt no holes barred how much i loved him right down to how how much i hated him some times acoa so often we feel responcible writing your mum her letter would be so good for you lolo even if you never send it ,I have no regrets ! my prayers go out to you and your family