JessicaNAJ

I have one simple question - how does a person stop feeling sorry for another person.

My boss is getting a divorce from her husband. He is NOT an A. I asked her why this seemed to be so much easier for her (decision) than me. She re-made me see that I look at my AH as one of my kids (so to speak) and it's harder to let go of a child than a spouse. THAT makes total sense. Because I've let go of the spouse part, but I can't let go of the maternal feelings. (Does that make sense?) I can't get past feeling bad when he hurts because of my actions - I've spent the 14 years we were together protecting them. This last year was about me and he threw it in my face about how much it hurts him.

I had a rough week (mainly weekend) and I need some reminders, PLEASE!!

nocellphone

How does a person stop feeling anything? Simple: they don't.

From my experience, feelings cannot be turned on and off like a faucet. That's what the alcoholics and addicts in my life tried to achieve through use and abuse of alcohol and other drugs, and what I tried to do through my own denial and avoidance methods.

Didn't work.

I can't turn off or change my feelings. What I can do is limit how much energy I give them, how long I choose to remain focused on them, and simply accept that no feeling lasts forever and that no feeling is ever gonna kill me. The next feeling will come when it comes.

Not feeling... is what kills people.

minnie

Jessica

How many years has he been hurting you with his actions?

He has been in this situation because of his own doing. So have you. You have had the wisdom to see that this really isn't working for you. He hasn't. That's his problem, not yours. he is probably hurting because he's lost his codie, so maybe he's just going to have to grow up and deal with life on life's terms. Or maybe not. Again, his choice. He is an adult. Maybe has not grown as an adult because he's had people there to pick up the pieces of his life for him. Now is his chance. Are you going to get in the way of this opportunity? For you, as well as for him?

This is relatively new to you, in comparison to the time you spent taking care of him. Give yourself (and him) time to get used to the new situation.

You are doing great, jessica.

Hang in there.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Live

You are doing wonderfully, jessica.
I usually try to educate my self, get new insights, or strength or another way of looking at it. Feelings can be educated as well as thoughts. When we learn to see something differently, we feel differently about it.
Just a suggestion, and all the encouragement in my heart!
hugs,
live

Dee at Mt Bully

Jessica--I think a lot of us Code's are very much care takers--so it's hard to quit
worrying about someone we have cared for. Like when your little birdies fly the nest.
It doesn't matter how much he hurts you and angers you some how you still feel the need to make sure he is alright. Soon you will focus less on him and more on yourself.
You would not want to not feel your emotions--you just want to treat them appropriatly. You are doing good--cheers--Smiles--Dee

StandingStrong

In my book, there is a difference in caring about someone and caring for another. You've taken on the role of caretaker of your DH. That, in my opinion, is normal to a certain extent. However......the idea of marriage is that each spouse will take care of each other.

It's time to cut the apron strings. You cannot feel guilty because HE can't take care of himself.

It's one thing to care about him - you probably always will. However, it's not your place to take care of him unless you choose too. Stop feeling guilty - this is the life he has created, the one he has chosen and still chooses.

JessicaNAJ

I have no real problem sitting back and letting him deal with the problems he's caused on his own. Those are his problems - not mine.

I'm having trouble dealing with the "hurt" he feels because of my actions toward him in order to make myself better. I am responsible for those feelings, aren't I? It really breaks my heart to see him hurting like this. I've tried the "fake it till you make it" rule (regarding his feelings) - and it's worked, up until now. I don't know if anyone read the thread "co-dependant no more", but that pretty much explains what happened this weekend. I feel like I totally caved. I went to his apartment b/c he had me so mad by hanging up on me. I NEVER should have done that. It not only opened up wounds and doors I shut for my protection, but I feel as though now I've given him hope, because of the way I behaved.

I'm not too happy with me these days. Is this my HP leading me in a direction I don't want to go? I did tell him I am willing to let whatever happens happen.

I know I'm not going to throw my recover out the window. AND I know I will pick myself off and do exactly what it is I need to do. I KNOW my future with him will not be a healthy one. This week has been one of the hardest weeks for me this year.

I probably don't make much sense, but I hope you can follow....lol

Live

I missed that thread, Jessica, but I wish you peace and comfort.

To have compassion, we must first have compassion for ourselves. Since you can't change it, maybe it is better not to see it. Be kind to yourself. Charity (love) begins at home, and that it is with you, in your heart.

hugs,
live

Dee at Mt Bully

Jess--Is it possible for you to look at this yet another way--you are reacting to
his negative behavior when you say or do something that he says hurts him. If
he was not drinking or behaving in a childish manner you would not say things just
to hurt him. In effect he is causing his own pain--I understand feeling troubled with your own behavior but girrrrl cut yourself some slack. We are all imperfect people
trying to do the right thing in a very imperfect situation. I'm sorry this is such a bad
week but the good news is it's early in the year. It's gonna get better I know it
will. smiles---Dee

JessicaNAJ

That is a very good point - I needed that. His behavior is the reason I say what I say and do what I do. No I would not react the same way if he was not drinking and behaving in a childish manner. Thus, he IS causing his own pain.

Now I have to work harder on how I react.

I lost focus b/c he is so darn convincing and knows how sensitive I am. He played me!! And I let myself get played - AHHHH, a new light.

Thanks Dee

minnie

No! Absolutely not.

Check out this - http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=16967 It is required reading for me when I'm feeling the same way you have been.

And you're right - it's just another form of manipulation. Don't forget, he's got years more practice at that than you have.

You're doing fine, Jessica. And I'm sure this thread in particular is helping lots of us.

Love

Minnie
xxx

JessicaNAJ

Thanks Minnie - that is a good one to hold on to.

Jessica