Have you ever wondered, "What if..."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Have you ever wondered, "What if..."
I once had a relationship with someone whom I loved very much. His job took him to another town. The relationship never formally ended -- it just kind of ended. So, I moved on and found my AH. A little later on in life, the former love contacted me. He had worked hard, paid his dues and was now ready to commit. But I was already committed to my AH (but not married). I deeply wanted this former love to "fight" for me, but he gracefully bowed out. I later learned that the former love married someone else. I was crushed, and I have never forgiven or forgotten him. And I have always wondered "what if..." What if I had dumped my A and run to my former love when I had the chance.
We are in the same profession, and his name comes up every now and then through my work. I have managed to avoid contact with him -- until today. It has been at least 17 years and suddenly there he was on the other end of the phone. He had called to speak to my boss who was not available. While he had me on the phone, he told me he had never forgotten me... had saved every gift I'd ever given him... brought up old times (and opened old wounds, because I had always wondered "what if..."). I maintained my cool, but God it hurt.
I've been a wreck for the rest of the day, and I just keep wondering "what if..." I look at my life and the choices I made for myself all those years ago. The former love is now a partner in his firm (so I know he's making big money). His wife doesn't have to work. Lives in a big house. He's not an A. As my boss brought me a stack of work to finish before I could leave for the weekend, I couldn't help but wonder, "what if..."
I got home. My AH was well on his way (you know what I mean). And all I can think about is "what if..." I'm so depressed, I can hardly type this message. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason and that we are nowhere in life by accident. But now I don't know. I'm so sad right now thinking about "what if..."
We are in the same profession, and his name comes up every now and then through my work. I have managed to avoid contact with him -- until today. It has been at least 17 years and suddenly there he was on the other end of the phone. He had called to speak to my boss who was not available. While he had me on the phone, he told me he had never forgotten me... had saved every gift I'd ever given him... brought up old times (and opened old wounds, because I had always wondered "what if..."). I maintained my cool, but God it hurt.
I've been a wreck for the rest of the day, and I just keep wondering "what if..." I look at my life and the choices I made for myself all those years ago. The former love is now a partner in his firm (so I know he's making big money). His wife doesn't have to work. Lives in a big house. He's not an A. As my boss brought me a stack of work to finish before I could leave for the weekend, I couldn't help but wonder, "what if..."
I got home. My AH was well on his way (you know what I mean). And all I can think about is "what if..." I'm so depressed, I can hardly type this message. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason and that we are nowhere in life by accident. But now I don't know. I'm so sad right now thinking about "what if..."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: santa cruz, ca
Posts: 6
I can feel your pain. When things get bad between me and my AH I often escape into "what if..." scenarios. But, I've learned that it doesn't do me any good. Instead, I'm starting to ask myself what it is I'm looking for. If it's more money and the ability to earn a good living for myself without needing my AH, I've gone back to school and we've separated our finances so I feel more in control. If it's to find friends that can help meet the needs my AH doesn't, I join a class, go to a meeting, make a phone call. This is all during the midst of 'separation' talk (brought on by me)... and it's extremely hard and confusing sometimes. But, I am happier when I turn my "what if's..." around into learning more about myself. I hope you can too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AK
Posts: 143
I to had the what if syndrome.
He and I broke up and went separate ways for years and when things were bad in my relationships I always thought of him and how much I had loved him.
We are now married to each other and he is an AH.
Do I still wonder what if? Yes, Every time he falls off the wagon. I wonder if I had been stronger in my convictons would he have stayed sober. If I had not let my guard down would he still be drinking? If I leave him would I be giving up to soon on someone who I know can be a loving, giving, careing individual. If I stay will I ever know the happiness that I have felt when we are together and sober.
Will I be able to share my life with someone else and not not still wonder what if I had not left the love of my life.
The here and now is what we have.
Z
He and I broke up and went separate ways for years and when things were bad in my relationships I always thought of him and how much I had loved him.
We are now married to each other and he is an AH.
Do I still wonder what if? Yes, Every time he falls off the wagon. I wonder if I had been stronger in my convictons would he have stayed sober. If I had not let my guard down would he still be drinking? If I leave him would I be giving up to soon on someone who I know can be a loving, giving, careing individual. If I stay will I ever know the happiness that I have felt when we are together and sober.
Will I be able to share my life with someone else and not not still wonder what if I had not left the love of my life.
The here and now is what we have.
Z
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Oh, I definitely know the pain of "what if...?"...
Whenever I find myself in the fantasy world of "what if...?", I soon find that I am missing out on "what is" and that I have lost my focus. For me, "IF" becomes two acronyms: In Fantasy and I'm F#!*ed, if ya know what I mean!
Despite all that the uncomfortable things I've been through, I truly love the life I have today. That would not be possible without my personal recovery, and I would never have found recovery had it not been for those uncomfortable times in my past. Today I have gratitude for all that has come before in my life, 'cos they've led me to where I am.
Who knows what "might have been"? I try to remember that even our "wrong" turns take us to where we're supposed to be... It's all part of HP's plan.
Whenever I find myself in the fantasy world of "what if...?", I soon find that I am missing out on "what is" and that I have lost my focus. For me, "IF" becomes two acronyms: In Fantasy and I'm F#!*ed, if ya know what I mean!
Despite all that the uncomfortable things I've been through, I truly love the life I have today. That would not be possible without my personal recovery, and I would never have found recovery had it not been for those uncomfortable times in my past. Today I have gratitude for all that has come before in my life, 'cos they've led me to where I am.
Who knows what "might have been"? I try to remember that even our "wrong" turns take us to where we're supposed to be... It's all part of HP's plan.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down today, hope.
Oh, I have had loads of "what if"s. But I realised that there is no point in having regrets. I made decisions based on what I knew at the time. The only way I knew that it was the wrong decision was when I learnt something after the event. Maybe if I had known that at the time, I would have made a different decision. But I didn't, so there's no use crying about it. As long as I learn from every "wrong" decision I make, then I am growing.
For example, I had a boyfriend for 10 years until 2001. We drifted apart and the last 2 years were particularly difficult. He spent more time away with work and when he was home he was playing sport. I lacked any motivation and had no outside interests or friends locally. So we separated, he met someone else and they got married in October. I have remained friends and went to the wedding. I am so happy for him, but a part of me wishes that I had learned al-anon tools back then. Things would have been so different, But that is total wishful thinking - he isn't an alcoholic, so how on earth would I have known about the steps? It was only when I became involved with my recent ex who is an alcoholic, that I was able to recognise my co-dependence. I am now healing myself and I am determined to take those lessons into future relationships.
We're getting there, hope. Just hang in there.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Oh, I have had loads of "what if"s. But I realised that there is no point in having regrets. I made decisions based on what I knew at the time. The only way I knew that it was the wrong decision was when I learnt something after the event. Maybe if I had known that at the time, I would have made a different decision. But I didn't, so there's no use crying about it. As long as I learn from every "wrong" decision I make, then I am growing.
For example, I had a boyfriend for 10 years until 2001. We drifted apart and the last 2 years were particularly difficult. He spent more time away with work and when he was home he was playing sport. I lacked any motivation and had no outside interests or friends locally. So we separated, he met someone else and they got married in October. I have remained friends and went to the wedding. I am so happy for him, but a part of me wishes that I had learned al-anon tools back then. Things would have been so different, But that is total wishful thinking - he isn't an alcoholic, so how on earth would I have known about the steps? It was only when I became involved with my recent ex who is an alcoholic, that I was able to recognise my co-dependence. I am now healing myself and I am determined to take those lessons into future relationships.
We're getting there, hope. Just hang in there.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
What if is really a hard one. I go there every once in awhile. (to often) What if I
could still work--what if I didn't have ICI--what if we had stayed in our house in Rescue--What if I had listened to that little voice that kept telling me something
isn't right. I think part of working on myself is stopping the what if's. I'm really sorry it is making you so sad.--I'm sure you have thought about the fact that if you had made a decission for the past boyfriend that it may not have turned out as you imagine it.
It's also possible that he and his wife are not as happy as you think. I know I forget
sometimes that people have marriage problems other than alcohol. I'm not trying to
wish harm on your past love and his life--just hoping to point out that had you made that choice it could still be bad. Did that make since? I know I had a point LOL--just
not sure I made it. I really hope your day improves and you can get back to taking
care of yourself. Smiles--Dee
could still work--what if I didn't have ICI--what if we had stayed in our house in Rescue--What if I had listened to that little voice that kept telling me something
isn't right. I think part of working on myself is stopping the what if's. I'm really sorry it is making you so sad.--I'm sure you have thought about the fact that if you had made a decission for the past boyfriend that it may not have turned out as you imagine it.
It's also possible that he and his wife are not as happy as you think. I know I forget
sometimes that people have marriage problems other than alcohol. I'm not trying to
wish harm on your past love and his life--just hoping to point out that had you made that choice it could still be bad. Did that make since? I know I had a point LOL--just
not sure I made it. I really hope your day improves and you can get back to taking
care of yourself. Smiles--Dee
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Thanks Dee (and everyone else). Your response did make sense. I'm feeling back to "normal" today. No more regrets. The events of Friday helped me to really look at my current situation (so I guess it DID happen for a reason). And you know what? I don't think I would change it, even if I had another chance. Yeah, my life could have been easier if I had made a different decision years ago, but the truth is... I love my A. I look past the disease and see the very worthy person he is. He will never make $200,000+ a year, but he will always love me unconditionally. He is a good provider and a loving person with a happy disposition. I accept where we are. I don't make ultimatums about his drinking. I don't over-stress the relationship by threatening to leave if he doesn't get sober. He is who he is, and (for now) I accept that. For today, I'm "okay." It's in the valleys we grow -- right?
Guest
Posts: n/a
What if's............is in the same category...........as I should have.........you cant change the past, but you can certainly change your future. Do something for yourself today...............I try to write things down to be thankful for when I get bummed...
lots of hugs
lots of hugs
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
