Another New Person
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Sacramento, CA
Posts: 4
Another New Person
Hi 
,
I am hoping for a little guidance from those more experienced than I. My husband and I have been married for more than 10 years. Alcohol has been an issue for us since the beginning. At first I just thought he drank more than I was comfortable with. I'd let it slide until it reached a six-pack every night, then I'd confront him, we'd have a fight and he would back off. I have heard every bargain there is to make, as well as every excuse. It wasn't that he had a problem with drinking, it was that I was too sensitive to it. He would tell people that he was, "slowing down" because I was uncomfortable with him drinking. He would offer to stop, and did stop, sometimes for 6 months at a time. But there would always be something that would draw him back. A weekend trip away, then some beers for the game, or a project around the house, and slowly but surely it would creep back up to a six pack every night.
I heard, "I'm not going to drink beer anymore." And then watch him drink a bottle of wine everynight. Invent special occassions so that we could open a bottle of wine, etc., etc., etc...
As I've read here before, he is a good man. A good husband and father to our five-year-old son. He has never missed work or been in trouble with the law because of alcohol. He had a tendency to drink more than I was comfortable with when we went out with friends - so we went out with friends less. He was never physically or verbally abusive.
Two years ago I told my husband that I did not want to have the same conversation over and over again for the rest of my life. That this was the very last time. If I ever felt that we needed to have our big talk again, I would leave. Because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life arguing over alcohol, counting the beer bottles in the refridgerator, dreading opening a bottle of wine for a nice dinner. He quite drinking for nearly a year.
Well, as you may have guessed, over the past eight months the drinking has started and increased to the standard six-pack each night. Maybe with some added shots of bourbon - it's the holidays! I watched it happening and didn't say a word.
In the last year we have done next to nothing. We have no mutual friends, no mutual hobbies. We barely even talk in the evenings. Sometimes I go to bed right after our son, just to escape from the tedium. Over the last year I have started to emotionally detach, from him and his drinking. I started to build a life on my own. Make new friends, make time to go out, take my son out alone. And the guilt! I can't tell you how much he resented and hated the fact that I was growing as a person. It was the first time in our marriage that I really considered the fact that we might not be married forever.
So last week, when the words I swore I would never say again popped out of my mouth, "Did you drink that entire six-pack last night? How much have you had tonight?" I hated myself. And a part of me hated him for putting me in that position. And sure enough, two days later he came to me with the opening bid, "I've been thinking about it, and my drinking has gotten a little out of control again. I've decided that I'm not going to drink at home by myself anymore. Now if we go out, or..." I'm sure some of you can fill in the blank here.
I said no. Boy was he shocked. He offered a little more, starting asking me what I wanted. I told him that along with all of the promises he made me two years ago, I also made a promise to myself. I was done. I didn't have control of his drinking, but I had control of my life, and I was done with game.
He couldn't believe I was serious. Didn't think I meant what I said two years ago, begged me for one last chance, because this time he really meant it. My answer was still no. He asked me to go to counseling with him. We've spent more time talking in the last four days than we have in the last 14 months. For the first time ever he has admitted he's an alcoholic (but probably doesn't need to go to AA - insert eye roll here). He has even found a counselor and arranged for a babysitter.
Unfortunately, it may be too late. I am not sure I want to put the time and effort required into fixing our relationship (which had deteriorated because of alcohol and other reasons). And I'm not sure I want to do all that work and take a risk that he could break his promises again. He has listened to everything I said with complete acceptance. For the first time ever, he is taking responsibility for his actions. But because I have spent the last year becoming emotionally healthy, I know now that I control my happiness, and I don't have to tie it to his promises. I'm not afraid of leaving. It's financially possible. And emotionally easier.
Is it better to give our son two parents that live together, even though one is an alcoholic with an intent to reform? Or better to leave now? I just don't know. I do love and care about my husband, but I am no longer in love with him, and our friendship is almost dead. I don't know if I can get past all of the resentment I feel towrds him. My other emotions feel a little dead. I am not even angry with him - just kind of apathetic.
And I know that I have been codependent in the relationship because my first response to his unhapiness is to do whatever it takes to make him happy again. Even if it goes against what will make me happy. I've been fighting against that. I'm afraid that if I do stay with him I will fall back into old patterns too. I did agree to stay in the house while we go to counseling.
I just can't decide if I can/should give him this one last chance. I would really appreciate the honest opinions of others who have been in my shoes. I know my story is not nearly as tragic as some of the others I've read. It would almost be easier if he was a little less non-functional, or had been abusive - I wouldn't have to wonder if I was doing the right thing.
I just wish someone would just tell me what I should do.
,I am hoping for a little guidance from those more experienced than I. My husband and I have been married for more than 10 years. Alcohol has been an issue for us since the beginning. At first I just thought he drank more than I was comfortable with. I'd let it slide until it reached a six-pack every night, then I'd confront him, we'd have a fight and he would back off. I have heard every bargain there is to make, as well as every excuse. It wasn't that he had a problem with drinking, it was that I was too sensitive to it. He would tell people that he was, "slowing down" because I was uncomfortable with him drinking. He would offer to stop, and did stop, sometimes for 6 months at a time. But there would always be something that would draw him back. A weekend trip away, then some beers for the game, or a project around the house, and slowly but surely it would creep back up to a six pack every night.
I heard, "I'm not going to drink beer anymore." And then watch him drink a bottle of wine everynight. Invent special occassions so that we could open a bottle of wine, etc., etc., etc...
As I've read here before, he is a good man. A good husband and father to our five-year-old son. He has never missed work or been in trouble with the law because of alcohol. He had a tendency to drink more than I was comfortable with when we went out with friends - so we went out with friends less. He was never physically or verbally abusive.
Two years ago I told my husband that I did not want to have the same conversation over and over again for the rest of my life. That this was the very last time. If I ever felt that we needed to have our big talk again, I would leave. Because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life arguing over alcohol, counting the beer bottles in the refridgerator, dreading opening a bottle of wine for a nice dinner. He quite drinking for nearly a year.
Well, as you may have guessed, over the past eight months the drinking has started and increased to the standard six-pack each night. Maybe with some added shots of bourbon - it's the holidays! I watched it happening and didn't say a word.
In the last year we have done next to nothing. We have no mutual friends, no mutual hobbies. We barely even talk in the evenings. Sometimes I go to bed right after our son, just to escape from the tedium. Over the last year I have started to emotionally detach, from him and his drinking. I started to build a life on my own. Make new friends, make time to go out, take my son out alone. And the guilt! I can't tell you how much he resented and hated the fact that I was growing as a person. It was the first time in our marriage that I really considered the fact that we might not be married forever.
So last week, when the words I swore I would never say again popped out of my mouth, "Did you drink that entire six-pack last night? How much have you had tonight?" I hated myself. And a part of me hated him for putting me in that position. And sure enough, two days later he came to me with the opening bid, "I've been thinking about it, and my drinking has gotten a little out of control again. I've decided that I'm not going to drink at home by myself anymore. Now if we go out, or..." I'm sure some of you can fill in the blank here.
I said no. Boy was he shocked. He offered a little more, starting asking me what I wanted. I told him that along with all of the promises he made me two years ago, I also made a promise to myself. I was done. I didn't have control of his drinking, but I had control of my life, and I was done with game.
He couldn't believe I was serious. Didn't think I meant what I said two years ago, begged me for one last chance, because this time he really meant it. My answer was still no. He asked me to go to counseling with him. We've spent more time talking in the last four days than we have in the last 14 months. For the first time ever he has admitted he's an alcoholic (but probably doesn't need to go to AA - insert eye roll here). He has even found a counselor and arranged for a babysitter.
Unfortunately, it may be too late. I am not sure I want to put the time and effort required into fixing our relationship (which had deteriorated because of alcohol and other reasons). And I'm not sure I want to do all that work and take a risk that he could break his promises again. He has listened to everything I said with complete acceptance. For the first time ever, he is taking responsibility for his actions. But because I have spent the last year becoming emotionally healthy, I know now that I control my happiness, and I don't have to tie it to his promises. I'm not afraid of leaving. It's financially possible. And emotionally easier.
Is it better to give our son two parents that live together, even though one is an alcoholic with an intent to reform? Or better to leave now? I just don't know. I do love and care about my husband, but I am no longer in love with him, and our friendship is almost dead. I don't know if I can get past all of the resentment I feel towrds him. My other emotions feel a little dead. I am not even angry with him - just kind of apathetic.
And I know that I have been codependent in the relationship because my first response to his unhapiness is to do whatever it takes to make him happy again. Even if it goes against what will make me happy. I've been fighting against that. I'm afraid that if I do stay with him I will fall back into old patterns too. I did agree to stay in the house while we go to counseling.
I just can't decide if I can/should give him this one last chance. I would really appreciate the honest opinions of others who have been in my shoes. I know my story is not nearly as tragic as some of the others I've read. It would almost be easier if he was a little less non-functional, or had been abusive - I wouldn't have to wonder if I was doing the right thing.
I just wish someone would just tell me what I should do.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Sadly, no one can tell you what to do. But I understand your pain. I, too, wanted someone to tell me what to do, I wanted someone to fix my life, I wanted a lot of things. It took me a long time to realize that no one could fix anything except me.
If you are planning to stay in the same house while you attend counseling, I think that time will tell in the counseling sessions if you want to give your marriage another chance or not. Perhaps the counselor will do individual counseling sessions as well which would probably be beneficial to you as well.
One thing you said that I have to comment on is this:
The risk will be there forever!!!! You know that he made it almost a year just to drink again. Some people can go years and years! But I believe that risk is always there! And that is a part of reality when you live with an alcoholic.
I understand the confusion and the pain that you feel right now. I wish that I could tell you what you want to hear - but I can't. Being married to an alcoholic is such a personal journey for each person. We all experience much the same thing, and yet alot of different things at the same time. We also grow in our own time and our own ways. We all have to find our own answers, what is best for us.
You've begun your journey to recovery. Now it's up to you to look through the fog, sort out the options, set your boundaries, and follow through to success.
I hope you will stay here at this board. There are very many wise people here to help guide you and support you.
If you are planning to stay in the same house while you attend counseling, I think that time will tell in the counseling sessions if you want to give your marriage another chance or not. Perhaps the counselor will do individual counseling sessions as well which would probably be beneficial to you as well.
One thing you said that I have to comment on is this:
And I'm not sure I want to do all that work and take a risk that he could break his promises again.
I understand the confusion and the pain that you feel right now. I wish that I could tell you what you want to hear - but I can't. Being married to an alcoholic is such a personal journey for each person. We all experience much the same thing, and yet alot of different things at the same time. We also grow in our own time and our own ways. We all have to find our own answers, what is best for us.
You've begun your journey to recovery. Now it's up to you to look through the fog, sort out the options, set your boundaries, and follow through to success.
I hope you will stay here at this board. There are very many wise people here to help guide you and support you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Hi there -
Welcome. No one else can tell you what to do. Wish it was that easy. You sound very clear headed and like you have really worked this whole thing through in your mind. You are way ahead in the game.
You said that you have agreed to stay in the house while you are going for counselling. If this is the first time that he has truly wanted to work on making things better, I guess I would suggest that you at least give the counselling a sincere try. You can do this one day at a time. If it is working for you - stay, if it isn't working, then go. Sometimes when we feel like we have lost all feeling for our partner, those feelings just don't come back - but sometimes they do.
I'm one that left my husband and I am not sorry that I did. Everyone's situation is different though. Based on what you shared my thought would be to go ahead with the counselling if for no other reason than it might make leaving, if that is what you want to do, alot easier for you. Some alcoholics are sucessful in their recovery and some aren't. Alcoholism is a progressive illness as you can see from your husband's experience.
Have you been to any Alanon meetings? You should find alot of help there. Stick around here as well. We all know how you feel and we all learn by reading others posts as well as doing our own sharing.
Big hugs, Jo
Welcome. No one else can tell you what to do. Wish it was that easy. You sound very clear headed and like you have really worked this whole thing through in your mind. You are way ahead in the game.
You said that you have agreed to stay in the house while you are going for counselling. If this is the first time that he has truly wanted to work on making things better, I guess I would suggest that you at least give the counselling a sincere try. You can do this one day at a time. If it is working for you - stay, if it isn't working, then go. Sometimes when we feel like we have lost all feeling for our partner, those feelings just don't come back - but sometimes they do.
I'm one that left my husband and I am not sorry that I did. Everyone's situation is different though. Based on what you shared my thought would be to go ahead with the counselling if for no other reason than it might make leaving, if that is what you want to do, alot easier for you. Some alcoholics are sucessful in their recovery and some aren't. Alcoholism is a progressive illness as you can see from your husband's experience.
Have you been to any Alanon meetings? You should find alot of help there. Stick around here as well. We all know how you feel and we all learn by reading others posts as well as doing our own sharing.
Big hugs, Jo
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Humpty--I could have written your letter--number of years married(10yrs11mo) the
pattern of drinking--conversation--cut back--drink more again--next conversation--
and the list goes on, The only big difference is the age of my son. In the last 4 months
I have decided to leave my AH. He goes from blaming me to offering all kinds of promises. I pretty much feel like you and just don't think I can hang my future on something that may or may not happen. I hope all of our comments help you. This
sight has been a real blessing to me. Please keep coming everyone here is great
and supportive. Smiles--Dee
pattern of drinking--conversation--cut back--drink more again--next conversation--
and the list goes on, The only big difference is the age of my son. In the last 4 months
I have decided to leave my AH. He goes from blaming me to offering all kinds of promises. I pretty much feel like you and just don't think I can hang my future on something that may or may not happen. I hope all of our comments help you. This
sight has been a real blessing to me. Please keep coming everyone here is great
and supportive. Smiles--Dee
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
Hi HumptyDumpty! I also could have written your letter. I don't know what you should do... all I can do is tell you about my situation. It is really similar to yours except we're a little further down the road. We are in counseling and he hasn't drank at home in almost 3 months. He still will have a beer if we go out to dinner and he isn't going to AA. My feelings for him are gone and I don't know if I can get it back. I'm giving our marriage a shot until July which will be a year from when it all fell apart. If it isn't working by then, one of us is moving out. I'm putting money away in savings just in case. One good thing is the counselor said our first rule of living together is No Sex until we can trust each other again. That really takes some pressure off of me. I just couldn't right now.
Good luck with everything and let us know how it goes.
I also could have written your letter. I don't know what you should do... all I can do is tell you about my situation. It is really similar to yours except we're a little further down the road. We are in counseling and he hasn't drank at home in almost 3 months. He still will have a beer if we go out to dinner and he isn't going to AA. My feelings for him are gone and I don't know if I can get it back. I'm giving our marriage a shot until July which will be a year from when it all fell apart. If it isn't working by then, one of us is moving out. I'm putting money away in savings just in case. One good thing is the counselor said our first rule of living together is No Sex until we can trust each other again. That really takes some pressure off of me. I just couldn't right now. Good luck with everything and let us know how it goes.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: out of town
Posts: 85
Ditto Ditto Ditto from the wisdom of the prior responses. Right now I am giving myself time, it is really hard to end a relationship after so many years in my case it is 23 years. Each day seems to bring a new strentgh. No one can tell you. Just make decisions you feel compfortable and can live with. Do what you need to do to bring you the inner peace that will give you the stength to live in your decisions. We are all here working from the same place. Take care and be good to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
((((humpty))))
I have to agree, I could have written the same exact thing except 12 years. My husband finally agreed to go to counceling with me, we'll see if it actually happens. I really don't think I love him or even like him that much right now so I know what you mean. I decided I am going to go I will give it 6 months and we'll see from there. I think it might be a good idea to give it a try if it's the first time you guys have gone.
Good Luck
Mindi
I have to agree, I could have written the same exact thing except 12 years. My husband finally agreed to go to counceling with me, we'll see if it actually happens. I really don't think I love him or even like him that much right now so I know what you mean. I decided I am going to go I will give it 6 months and we'll see from there. I think it might be a good idea to give it a try if it's the first time you guys have gone.
Good Luck
Mindi
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Sacramento, CA
Posts: 4
Thank You!
All of your comments have been helpful. Thank you so much for your support.
I do understand that I will have to knowingly choose to take that risk, if I am married to an alcoholic. It will always be there. Being a fairly reasonable person, it seems insane to knowlingly choose to take a risk that you have no control over.
I've been trying very hard to not put his happiness over my own. It makes me feel mean.
But, I think we will start counseling next Wednesday. We will each receive one or two individual sessions, and I do think that will be helpful. I am definitely going to stick around this board - it's been great. And I'm going to go to an Al-Anon meeting. And I am doing a lot of reading on alcoholism and codependecy.
Thank you again for your support. I promise to keep you posted.
I do understand that I will have to knowingly choose to take that risk, if I am married to an alcoholic. It will always be there. Being a fairly reasonable person, it seems insane to knowlingly choose to take a risk that you have no control over.
I've been trying very hard to not put his happiness over my own. It makes me feel mean.
But, I think we will start counseling next Wednesday. We will each receive one or two individual sessions, and I do think that will be helpful. I am definitely going to stick around this board - it's been great. And I'm going to go to an Al-Anon meeting. And I am doing a lot of reading on alcoholism and codependecy.
Thank you again for your support. I promise to keep you posted.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0671797255/qid=1105122741
I haven't bought this book yet, but it's at the top of my list. It's highly recommended by several people I know and has the philosophy of changing yourself rather than your spouse. Sound familiar?
Both of you probably have some ingrained bad habits in relating to each other. Is the unknown of who you might wind up with really any better than the person you might be married to if you both are willing to work on it? If nothing else, working on the relationship issues (beyond the alcohol issues) will help you in the future -- whether or not the two of you stay together in the long run.
Wishing you the best of luck.
faith
I haven't bought this book yet, but it's at the top of my list. It's highly recommended by several people I know and has the philosophy of changing yourself rather than your spouse. Sound familiar?
In the last year we have done next to nothing. We have no mutual friends, no mutual hobbies. We barely even talk in the evenings. Sometimes I go to bed right after our son, just to escape from the tedium.
Wishing you the best of luck.
faith
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
A couple thoughts on your question(Is it better to give our son two parents that live together, even though one is an alcoholic with an intent to reform? Or better to leave now? ): While it may be best to have two functioning parents that live together - I think it is most important to have at least one happy functioning parent. If that means that you split up, then so be it. It is really hard to live with an active alcoholic and not be affected by the drinking. Your thinking becomes distorted. I found that I was so focused on my husband that my children didn't get enough attention. My kids are grown and I am still with my AH, but sometimes I think it would have been better to split up. I agree with the group, whatever you decide, check out alanon as you have been affected by his drinking and even if you decide to leave, you will need help recovering from that. Hang in there and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Let me add for your first Al-Anon meeting, some are dissappointed, partly because we go expecting too much maybe. We need to try to have an open mind. If the lst one don't give you a good feeling, please try another group. I hope there is more than one meeting in your town.
It is a fantastic program, and we need it for many reasons. Hope you can find someone to share coffee after, and tel calls. We all need both SR and face to face with people in Al-Anon.
If something doesn't sound right, just forget it for now, maybe it will make sense later.
I added this because I have seen some come back to SR not too thrilled with Al-Anon. We didn't get here overnight, so might take a few meetings to get in the swing. Al-Anon I feel is needed even if you leave. I wish you the very best always. thelm
It is a fantastic program, and we need it for many reasons. Hope you can find someone to share coffee after, and tel calls. We all need both SR and face to face with people in Al-Anon.
If something doesn't sound right, just forget it for now, maybe it will make sense later.
I added this because I have seen some come back to SR not too thrilled with Al-Anon. We didn't get here overnight, so might take a few meetings to get in the swing. Al-Anon I feel is needed even if you leave. I wish you the very best always. thelm
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