Angry Again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6
Angry Again
Hi thanks all of you for your support. I'm 17 days sober. I knwo I'm supposed to think about myself now but I can't help thinking about my wife. And how well she's taking our separation. She just goes on with her life as if nothing happened... la la la la. I can barely get out of bed and she dashes of emails here, plans trips there, goes to her brew pubs over there with all her yuppie friends and talks about my "treatment" and how "great" it is that I have been sober for days. Arrrr. Then I feel guilty, do I want her to feel my pain? Do I want her to be as miserable as me? Of course not. Yet, I somehow wish she wasn't so freakin' happy about our jacked up marriage, and so "happy" to be starting over. Walking has helped me. Talking to friends has helped me. This forum has helped me. But I want to get over my anger towards her. I want to but her behind me, like she seems to have so quickly done to me.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Hi Fun,
I'm sorry for your situation and I understand how you feel. Of course you're in pain and it must be so hard seeing your wife going along just fine. I don't know how long you've been separated, but perhaps your wife was prepared mentally for the separation to come and felt comfortable when it did. You probably were not so prepared (judging by myself when I was first sober) and are having a hard time dealing with it. I think you need to be patient with yourself. You are newly sober and separated and you have a lot to deal with. I don't think you can force yourself to move ahead faster than what you are ready for. You need to work on yourself, staying sober and making positive changes in your life. If you do that, I think that things will fall into place. They may not be the way you would have wanted, because being sober doesn't solve all your problems. But, it gives a chance to live a great life.
Love, Anna
I'm sorry for your situation and I understand how you feel. Of course you're in pain and it must be so hard seeing your wife going along just fine. I don't know how long you've been separated, but perhaps your wife was prepared mentally for the separation to come and felt comfortable when it did. You probably were not so prepared (judging by myself when I was first sober) and are having a hard time dealing with it. I think you need to be patient with yourself. You are newly sober and separated and you have a lot to deal with. I don't think you can force yourself to move ahead faster than what you are ready for. You need to work on yourself, staying sober and making positive changes in your life. If you do that, I think that things will fall into place. They may not be the way you would have wanted, because being sober doesn't solve all your problems. But, it gives a chance to live a great life.
Love, Anna
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6
more venting
This is why I'm upset: this is what she wrote today:
"Thanks for clarifying. No, I wouldn't have a problem at all getting together
with you - that would be fine. But let's do what's most comfortable for
everyone, and that sounds like just shipping the ring. I'll look for that
document and then get it mailed out (yes, definitely to your mom's address!)
ASAP."
She doesn't have a problem? She doesn't have a problem? Ahhhhhh! She can just MEET with me and that's OK? Just pop on in and drop the ring off. Here you go!!! Sooooooooo, nice to see you!!!!
"Thanks for clarifying. No, I wouldn't have a problem at all getting together
with you - that would be fine. But let's do what's most comfortable for
everyone, and that sounds like just shipping the ring. I'll look for that
document and then get it mailed out (yes, definitely to your mom's address!)
ASAP."
She doesn't have a problem? She doesn't have a problem? Ahhhhhh! She can just MEET with me and that's OK? Just pop on in and drop the ring off. Here you go!!! Sooooooooo, nice to see you!!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Fun, you've got to relax and respect your wife's wishes. If she doesn't want to contact you, then you have to accept that. Focus on making positive changes in your life on a daily basis. It will get better and it will get easier!
Love, Anna
Love, Anna
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: London, England
Posts: 70
Hi Fun
I can understand how tough this will be but you must concentrate on Your recovery!. Remember that when We admit that We are "powerless" in the AA step one that doesn't just mean that We are powerless over alcohol but also "people places and things" ..but this powerlesness isn't weakness it is an amazing source of strength! it realeases us from our need to control others ...this desire to contol people and events was often the reason for our past drinking. You don't need it anymore ..the only way you can achieve the most favourable outcome in this situation is learn to use the tools that AA provides for living. Live one day at a time, accept events and circumstances as calmly as you can as they occur in each day ..seek advice from AA friends about how to deal with them, remember that in this world as persons We are ultimately alone.. We can only have meaningful relationships with others if We have built a meaningful relationship with ourselves and I have found that this can only be really achieved through working the 12 steps of AA and can take a while. Be gentle with yourself ...take it one day at a time.
Joe
I can understand how tough this will be but you must concentrate on Your recovery!. Remember that when We admit that We are "powerless" in the AA step one that doesn't just mean that We are powerless over alcohol but also "people places and things" ..but this powerlesness isn't weakness it is an amazing source of strength! it realeases us from our need to control others ...this desire to contol people and events was often the reason for our past drinking. You don't need it anymore ..the only way you can achieve the most favourable outcome in this situation is learn to use the tools that AA provides for living. Live one day at a time, accept events and circumstances as calmly as you can as they occur in each day ..seek advice from AA friends about how to deal with them, remember that in this world as persons We are ultimately alone.. We can only have meaningful relationships with others if We have built a meaningful relationship with ourselves and I have found that this can only be really achieved through working the 12 steps of AA and can take a while. Be gentle with yourself ...take it one day at a time.
Joe
The Serenity Plus Plan
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: The Garden State
Posts: 157
Hi funposse.
I know exactly what you're going through. My wife came to me and said she wanted a divorce back in November. It's been tough and being angry is certainly part of the grieving process.
Anna is right. It's going to take time. I still think about the marriage daily but I also know that there's nothing I can do to bring it back. My ex-wife had been thinking about telling me she wanted a divorce for some time so it was easier for her and that's why it seems like she's getting on with her life while I'm just going nowhere.
But I know that is going to change. I'm doing all the necessary things - going to the gym, eating right, going to meetings etc. And even though I still think about her alot, it's not as bad as it was a month ago. I think about six months from now and how great I'll be doing.
I've just accepted that it's just going to take time. It does get better.
Richard
I know exactly what you're going through. My wife came to me and said she wanted a divorce back in November. It's been tough and being angry is certainly part of the grieving process.
Anna is right. It's going to take time. I still think about the marriage daily but I also know that there's nothing I can do to bring it back. My ex-wife had been thinking about telling me she wanted a divorce for some time so it was easier for her and that's why it seems like she's getting on with her life while I'm just going nowhere.
But I know that is going to change. I'm doing all the necessary things - going to the gym, eating right, going to meetings etc. And even though I still think about her alot, it's not as bad as it was a month ago. I think about six months from now and how great I'll be doing.
I've just accepted that it's just going to take time. It does get better.
Richard
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
Joe, you beat me to it...
Absolutely. As alcoholics (well everyone, but us especially), we are powerless over people, places and things.
For me, I have to practice acceptance every day. It's never perfect, but if I can get a glimpse of it, my day is a victory. Hell, if I don't pick up the drink, my day is a victory.
But damn, don't I want to have everyone feel exactly the way I'd like them to???? And when they don't, I'm pissed. Problem is, the way I'm feeling affects my thinking, which in turn affects my actions. That's where I get into trouble.
Use the serenity prayer as much as possible. "....grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" -- namely your wife's behavior.
If you are in AA, get a sponsor if you don't have one, and get working on the 12 steps. Use your sponsor to talk all this stuff out. And keep going to meetings and working the program.
Keep us posted, and keep the faith!
Ken
For me, I have to practice acceptance every day. It's never perfect, but if I can get a glimpse of it, my day is a victory. Hell, if I don't pick up the drink, my day is a victory.
But damn, don't I want to have everyone feel exactly the way I'd like them to???? And when they don't, I'm pissed. Problem is, the way I'm feeling affects my thinking, which in turn affects my actions. That's where I get into trouble.
Use the serenity prayer as much as possible. "....grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" -- namely your wife's behavior.
If you are in AA, get a sponsor if you don't have one, and get working on the 12 steps. Use your sponsor to talk all this stuff out. And keep going to meetings and working the program.
Keep us posted, and keep the faith!
Ken
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