I'm new
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: State of indecision
Posts: 25
I'm new
Hi Everyone. I'm Jen and my husband is an alcoholic.
He's very functional...works 12 hours a day at a job where random alcohol and drug testing is required...always passes, no problem. His issue...he can't go one day without a drink. I've come to terms with that...no sense freaking about what I can't change. He comes home and by 7:00 he's drinking, at 8:00 he has a buzz, and at 9:00 he's in bed. Every day. No exceptions.
Like I said, I'm used to that. He's a very good person who treats me well.
Yesterday I found a half empty bottle of vodka hidden in the cabinet. When I confronted him he said it had been there for years. Yeah, right. I go into that cabinet every day. This scares me because I know he drinks...why he is lying and hiding? We had a big fight about it and while he admits that he has "an alcohol problem," he refuses to say he is an alcoholic. He also won't go to AA because he says that all they do is have a meeting and then go out drinking.
I don't know why I'm posting. Maybe I just need to know that I'm not alone.
He's very functional...works 12 hours a day at a job where random alcohol and drug testing is required...always passes, no problem. His issue...he can't go one day without a drink. I've come to terms with that...no sense freaking about what I can't change. He comes home and by 7:00 he's drinking, at 8:00 he has a buzz, and at 9:00 he's in bed. Every day. No exceptions.
Like I said, I'm used to that. He's a very good person who treats me well.
Yesterday I found a half empty bottle of vodka hidden in the cabinet. When I confronted him he said it had been there for years. Yeah, right. I go into that cabinet every day. This scares me because I know he drinks...why he is lying and hiding? We had a big fight about it and while he admits that he has "an alcohol problem," he refuses to say he is an alcoholic. He also won't go to AA because he says that all they do is have a meeting and then go out drinking.
I don't know why I'm posting. Maybe I just need to know that I'm not alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Welcome Jenee!!
You are most certainly not alone. Unfortunately, I (and I'm sure many others) will relate to your story. Fortunately, we have all found each other.
Settle in and have a read. They are a great bunch of people here and you'll find some great information.
Have you thought about going to Al-anon meetings for yourself? They have been a lifesaver for me. Also, reading Melodie Beattie's Co-dependency books have been a great help too.
The booze that's been hidden for years? Yes, I've heard that one before, many times. Who's kidding who?
Take care and stick around.
Love
Minnie
xxx
You are most certainly not alone. Unfortunately, I (and I'm sure many others) will relate to your story. Fortunately, we have all found each other.
Settle in and have a read. They are a great bunch of people here and you'll find some great information.
Have you thought about going to Al-anon meetings for yourself? They have been a lifesaver for me. Also, reading Melodie Beattie's Co-dependency books have been a great help too.
The booze that's been hidden for years? Yes, I've heard that one before, many times. Who's kidding who?
Take care and stick around.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: State of indecision
Posts: 25
Thanks for the welcome Minnie. I've been reading all morning and feel like I have found my people. 
IRL, I keep all of this bottled up. I know that he's an alcoholic, but I don't think that anyone else does even though his family is one big A. He hides it very, very well and as a result I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. It feels good to know that people understand.
IRL, I keep all of this bottled up. I know that he's an alcoholic, but I don't think that anyone else does even though his family is one big A. He hides it very, very well and as a result I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. It feels good to know that people understand.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Hi Jenee - yes, we ALL understand here honey! Definately read the Codependent No More book Minnie suggested - that gave me a whole new perspective on life. Although, you sound as if you are doing the right things inherently. I've heard many stories about hiding and sneaking... which in my mind is just an indicator that he knows he has a problem, or why hide it? Welcome to SR - we've all been through just about anything you can think of - so, believe me - we're here for ya!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Jenee welcom to you.
If I had a dollar for every empty and sometimes full not yet opened (must have forgotten where he hid kit lol) bottle I'd be rich!!!! I'd find them in the cabinets, in the laudry room behind the detergents, under the couch, under our bed, in the mixmaster bowl, inside the gas grill on the patio and even in the tomato plants!!!! Funny story about that. I was growing beefsteak tomatoes you know the large ones, yet they were kind of small. My mom said that the alcohol stunted their growth, I get a kick out of that one.
Patty
If I had a dollar for every empty and sometimes full not yet opened (must have forgotten where he hid kit lol) bottle I'd be rich!!!! I'd find them in the cabinets, in the laudry room behind the detergents, under the couch, under our bed, in the mixmaster bowl, inside the gas grill on the patio and even in the tomato plants!!!! Funny story about that. I was growing beefsteak tomatoes you know the large ones, yet they were kind of small. My mom said that the alcohol stunted their growth, I get a kick out of that one.
Patty
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: St. Paul MN
Posts: 58
I have read a ton of times on this board that "he is a very good person who treats me well" but then when you read the rest of the post you see signs of behavior that isn't treating you well. For example, "works 12 hours a day" "he can't go one day without a drink." "He comes home and by 7:00 he's drinking, at 8:00 he has a buzz, and at 9:00 he's in bed. Every day. No exceptions." "Lying". I guess I don't see where you are being treated well. Do you ever spend time together doing things that you enjoy, without him drinking? Besides play hide and seek with the liquor bottles?
Anyway, welcome!
Patty, yours was a funny post!
Anyway, welcome!
Patty, yours was a funny post!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Chuckles post made me think about something someone had posted a while ago questioning whether we are being treated well when we think we are, or if we are just so elated that they did something 'nice' and normal, we over-inflate that little gesture. I think I used to do more of the latter. Just like that post..."he is a great dad" except when he's too drunk and plays too rough. "He loves me unconditionally" - as long as I keep my mouth shut about him drinking and continue to take care of everything else... "He is kind and generous toward everyone" - but me, heaven forbid he do a little thing I ask him to do.... So, I hear ya Chuckles...I think you're on to something!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: State of indecision
Posts: 25
Thanks everyone.
He really does treat me well. The man would move mountains for me if I asked him to, which is why it's so hard for me when I ask him to stop drinking and he can't/won't. I've pulled the, "if you loved me you wouldn't drink thing," in the past, but I know the real issue is, "if you loved yourself you wouldn't drink." While I haven't noticed the drinking escalating, it really, really worries (and angers) me that he hid that bottle. I'm not naive enough to think that there haven't been others and now I feel like a sacred trust has been broken. It took every thing I had last night not to tear apart the house looking for more, "evidence."
I don't know what to do. I love him. He loves me. He also loves alcohol and that seems to be his master.
He really does treat me well. The man would move mountains for me if I asked him to, which is why it's so hard for me when I ask him to stop drinking and he can't/won't. I've pulled the, "if you loved me you wouldn't drink thing," in the past, but I know the real issue is, "if you loved yourself you wouldn't drink." While I haven't noticed the drinking escalating, it really, really worries (and angers) me that he hid that bottle. I'm not naive enough to think that there haven't been others and now I feel like a sacred trust has been broken. It took every thing I had last night not to tear apart the house looking for more, "evidence."
I don't know what to do. I love him. He loves me. He also loves alcohol and that seems to be his master.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Be careful, Jenee, with the searching. It was one of my real codie things and it took me a long time to stop doing that and I was the only one it was hurting. I still catch myself sometimes and he doesn't even live here anymore!! (that's insanity for you). We've talked about it since and I know that I checked places that he'd never even thought of!
Having said that, I did see some empty wine bottles in the field across from my house the other day when I came back from my neighbours. They were glinting in the sun - I would never have thought to look there and I thought I knew all the hiding places! I simply asked him to remove them. I haven't even been back to check that they're a gone, so I have made massive progress on that. He said that they were probably left by a shooting party. (We live near a farm who do game shoots on the estate). Has anyone heard of shooting parties drinking bottles of wine? So, despite him saying that he's in recovery, he still can't be honest about it.
Oh, and I thought my ex would move mountains for me too. Until I realised that he would only do that if HE thought it was important.
Hey ho.
Minnie
xxx
Having said that, I did see some empty wine bottles in the field across from my house the other day when I came back from my neighbours. They were glinting in the sun - I would never have thought to look there and I thought I knew all the hiding places! I simply asked him to remove them. I haven't even been back to check that they're a gone, so I have made massive progress on that. He said that they were probably left by a shooting party. (We live near a farm who do game shoots on the estate). Has anyone heard of shooting parties drinking bottles of wine? So, despite him saying that he's in recovery, he still can't be honest about it.
Oh, and I thought my ex would move mountains for me too. Until I realised that he would only do that if HE thought it was important.
Hey ho.
Minnie
xxx
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
He really does treat me well. The man would move mountains for me if I asked him to
Welcome! I do understand how you can have a loving functional alcoholic in your life and still have a good marriage. The problem is, the disease is progressive. The booze will physically effect his brain and body. The amount he drinks will increase. It may be very slow, you might not be able to see it except in hindsight years later. AH and I are somewhere in the middle. The amounts have increased, there has been some irratic behavior, but mostly it's all still good. I have hope that some day he will seek help, but I also have the reality that he might not.
Keep reading, keep learning. Besides these boards, there are a lot of good books and pamplets out there.
faith
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: State of indecision
Posts: 25
I have hope that some day he will seek help, but I also have the reality that he might not.
My sister is an alcoholic, however she is completely out of control. She left her husband after he wouldn't buy her any more booze and moved into a tent with some guy she barely knew. Everyone keeps saying that she has to hit bottom (she's been an alcoholic for about 20 years), but she hasn't and honestly I don't think she will. She'll die first. I don't want that to happen to my husband.
My husband knows I'm very upset today. He's called me 100 times to make small talk, which is something he never does. I ask him what he's going to do and he says, "I'll do what I have to do." He can't bring himself to admit that he needs help and it scares me because his pride (and desire for alcohol) will keep him from getting assistance.
I'm sorry for babbling everyone. It feels good to talk about this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
Hi Jenee WELCOME!!!
You are going to be so glad you found this place. It has helped me more than I could have ever imagined. There are so many strong beautiful people here.
Please read codependent no more it will open your eyes to soooo many things you may never have thought of before.
Mindi
You are going to be so glad you found this place. It has helped me more than I could have ever imagined. There are so many strong beautiful people here.
Please read codependent no more it will open your eyes to soooo many things you may never have thought of before.
Mindi
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by Jenee
He also won't go to AA because he says that all they do is have a meeting and then go out drinking.
If hee ever does get to an AA meeting and is introduced to the Big Book, he may see the quote by Herbert Spencer on p. 570 which reads, "There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance--that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
Hang in there, Jenee. You're anything but alone.
Ugh!
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Enchanted Elmoland
Posts: 180
Hey Jenee Welcome!
Nope your not alone....
I too am married to a very functional alcoholic. He never calls in sick to work and always seemed like the perfect husband for several years. Thing is, he works his 12 hours, comes home, drinks, goes to sleep, does the same the next day. Hmmm where am I in this picture? It's difficult to have a conversation with him, the intimacy has gone away. Quite frankly, "being" with someone after several drinks is a total turn off to me. His alcoholism has progressed to hiding the beer cans and vodka bottles, and he too will not go to AA. He did manage to sit through one meeting and said that he knew he was an alcoholic but refuses to return.
I've learned a lot through this site, but my favorite is that I did not make him start drinking, and I don't make him continue to drink.
I can lead a horse to water but I cannot make him drink (well I could, but I'd have to make that horse run around for several hours and deprive him of water and I don't believe in animal cruelty)
Hugs!
FaithChaser
Nope your not alone....
I too am married to a very functional alcoholic. He never calls in sick to work and always seemed like the perfect husband for several years. Thing is, he works his 12 hours, comes home, drinks, goes to sleep, does the same the next day. Hmmm where am I in this picture? It's difficult to have a conversation with him, the intimacy has gone away. Quite frankly, "being" with someone after several drinks is a total turn off to me. His alcoholism has progressed to hiding the beer cans and vodka bottles, and he too will not go to AA. He did manage to sit through one meeting and said that he knew he was an alcoholic but refuses to return.
I've learned a lot through this site, but my favorite is that I did not make him start drinking, and I don't make him continue to drink.
I can lead a horse to water but I cannot make him drink (well I could, but I'd have to make that horse run around for several hours and deprive him of water and I don't believe in animal cruelty)
Hugs!
FaithChaser
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