JessicaNAJ

AH picked up the kids this morning. Everything went as scheduled. He's not drinking right now but I believe that is only b/c he has no money - literally. (He's got collections up the wazzoo.) He said he went to the bar the other day to find some guy that owes him money. My thoughts, if that's the only reason he went there then why did he get drunk? Whatever..... his excuses are worthless to me. I don't care and I didn't ask.

He brought the kids home after he picked up our son from school. As usual, he hung around ~ for who knows why ~ just standing there like he's waiting for something from me. I caved a bit - I asked him if he wanted to stay for supper (I know he's broke and I'm not a cruel person - I even feed the strays). He said, "Sure. I'm going to run home and get a quick shower." (HMMMM...i think he wants to come back and hang around all night, I don't think so.) I suggested he wait till supper was done and take it with him. He suggested he eat and then leave. Okay - that sounded good to me.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to politely tell someone to GO HOME?

Anyway, he'll be sober for a day or two, maybe even a week or so, but the rollercoaster will start up again. I KNOW IT WILL! So, why am I still here? I have no idea... I go to my counselor tomorrow. Maybe I'll find an answer there, who knows, but for today, it's one day at a time. I'm sitting in the seat waiting for the ride to start up again. I'm working on me and feeling a little less insensative when I deal with him. I am so tired of this ride. A little birdie (my conscious) told me, he's never going to get better/I'm starting to accept that at face value.

dreamcatcher

Probably the reason your staying on the ride is because you are not a cold cruel person. All of us here are decent loving people and didn't get married to get a divorce. Many times I try to hold onto every word with a glimmer of hope and then WHAM I get a dose again. I have had 23 years of it. The truth is we will always be tied to this person as we have children. Changing the way we react and deal with this person will be a life long task whether they are directly with us or creating chaos in every outside encounter. I have started to be less sensitve and doing things for myself that I thought I would never do and it is making him very afraid. He is saying and doing things I wished he would have done all these years but it is to late, because the little birdie keeps me asking myself, What is the motive he has? He will be going to jail soon for a year 3rd DUI, so I wonder if he is trying to secure himself for when he gets out or is he afraid he won't have money for his commisary. It is pretty sad when the thought that maybe he really does love me or care doesn't pop into our head. They could open a theme park with all the rollarcoaster rides I have been on. Thanks to my HP and the legal system I will have a break soon, looking forward to peace. Hoping the ride gets easier for you.

jessieandme2003

I think you are making great progress. You sound so strong and confident. You are seeing him through clear eyes, and are able to be analytical rather than just emotional.
You seem more focused on how you feel when you are around him, rather than just how he feels.
I read your post and hear the words of someone doing very well on their recovery path. Do you see it in yourself too?

JessicaNAJ

Thanks Jessie - yes, I feel it! I asked my HP for strength to do his will and I know he's paving the path for me.

I wanted to add something to this thread ... I know its wrong to make light another's misfortune, but... My AH called me to ask if I have ever written a check that didn't go through. I told him no, I didn't. He said he went to the gas station earlier and they declined it (probably b/c the bank put a hold on his checks). He wanted to go to Kroger to buy some things and didn't want to get up the register only for them to decline his check too. I asked him what he needed (he is watching our daughter during the day). He said, "I don't know. Milk and whatever, some other things. And I was going to write the check over so I can get gas." At first I told him I had $5.00 he could have to get the milk and some hotdogs. But then I realized what I did, so I said, "Better yet, I have milk in the fridge you can have and I'll give you a dollar to buy a pack of hotdogs. If you want?" I was so proud of myself.... two months ago, I would have offered to go to the store for him or give him the amount of money he needed. But I didn't. YEEEAAAHHH!!

I will help him when it involves the kids, but I will not support his drinking (which, my instincts tell me, is one of the reasons why he was going to go to Kroger). He got himself into debt, he can get himself out. I WILL NOT RESCUE HIM! That feels so good to be able to say that with such confidence - thanks everyone!!

FormerDoormat

Woo hoo! I'm so proud of you, Little Angel. I, too, see you growing by leaps and bounds. Twice today your AH tried to manipulate you and you refused to allow him but still you were kind and compassionate to him.

jessieandme2003

So many times my heart breaks as I participate in this group.

But sometimes I read the posts that show such hope, and I feel such joy. Like yours. Just knowing the path you are on and the happiness before you fills me with such warmth.

You are doing great. You enjoy every moment of pride you feel for recognizing the steps you take. This time is all about you now. Enjoy.

Live

Walk to the door, put your hand on the doorknob and say, I really must take care of some things this evening and get a good night's sleep before work in the morning.
Then open the door.

JessicaNAJ

As Sunshine put it - Thank you, thank you, thank you.... I couldn't do it without the support and encouragement from everyone here. The negative and the positive responses and posts really helped me get where I am today.

I'm not confused anymore (but I do feel myself feeling sorry for him sometimes / I just kick myself and think of something else). I know that I want to be happy. I cannot do that with him as he is now. If he won't get help, I have no choice but to move on. I've waited 15 years for him to get better. I can't wait anymore. Our kids shouldn't wait anymore and I have to get better for them (and me).

Just and FYI - he's been here everymorning to pick up the kids this week. BUT, he also has no money to hang out at the bar either. He gets his unemployment check tomorrow. Could this be the beginning of my next ride?? Hmmm? I'm ready!

Live

Here's the post I was responding to.
How to ask someone to leave, it is time to go home.

JessicaNAJ

I will try that next time.

cwohio

jessica - i too have enjoyed "watching" you grow in you recovery. what may seem like little steps to you actually look like leaps and bounds to some of us out here in recovery land.

keep inspiring us with your posts!


hugs - cwohio

queenofthehwy

Jessica,

You are awesome!!! I feel exactly like that. I just don't have the courage that you do yet. I hope I can be as strong as you are someday.

Mindi

cwohio

queen - i hear ya!

JessicaNAJ

It's not strength - it's determination!!! I'm determined to be happy ... It's my turn now.