froggie792000

my worst fear is that I will leave my AH then he will get sober and live a happy "normal" life with someone other than me. So would I rather him be drunk and stay with me than sober without me???

I read this on a post and this is the way I feel exactly.........will al non help with this?

chrisea

with my life, this isn't even a consideration.... him live a normal life, with someone else or me, fat chance. Maybe your situation is different, maybe he has good days, not so good days and then the days he just isn't available. Well for me, my (soon to be or maybe already X abf), isn't available, period. Maybe when we first started out, but then I think even that was my wishful thinking and it just went down hill from there. Look at your relationship closely, (you will know) is there any redeeming qualities, or is he like ones I've known and use to just hear about.... Scenerio ~ they are sitting at the bar, telling every one how great of a partner they have.... for hrs, maybe all evening until closing time. If they thought they were sooo great, why aren't they with them, doing things with them, or for them. Oh & then the lies, well that's another story.....

JessicaNAJ

I think thats a fear a lot of us share. We want so badly to have a happy healthy normal life with our AH's. We hold on to this hope that one day they will get better and that is what keeps us there. What if that one day happens after we split?

Yes, Al-Anon will not help you get over that fear, but it will give your mind peace and serenity. It's not an overnight fix. I'm still working on my recovery of 15 years with my AH and have a ways to go. But Al-Anon can help you if you work it.

Live

Definitely, yes to al-anon.
And if this makes any of you feel any better, my ex just repeated the same pattern with girlfriend after girlfriend until one of them lost it and shot at him.
Now she is in alot of legal trouble. Plus she got pregnant by him.
This is 7 years down the road folks.

StandingStrong

Oh yes froggie, this was a major fear of mine for many many years.
I knew that my AH had the potential to be a wonderful person! I wanted that person to be stand beside me and share our lives together.

AH and I split up last year and I still occassionally wonder if he will give someone else the life that I always wanted to have with him. But it doesn't really bother me anymore. It took losing me for him to even get better. And the reality is, I wonder if he'd go back to his old ways if we were to get back together again. With an alcoholic, there are no guarantees!!!!

Alanon can change your life. Whether you are with your AH or not. I suggest that you go. Not because of your AH changing or not - but for you.

nocellphone

My ex-girlfriend (also an ACOA) had tons of potential... but very little actual, at least while with me. I use to call her my 80/20 girl: 80% of the time, she was completely insane and impossible to live with (her upbringing had left her too damaged to be stable in a relationship, at least back then); 20% of the time, she was the most beautiful, wonderful person in the entire world. Eventually, I could no longer put up with the awful 80% while waiting for the other 20%, and we split.

I never stopped loving her. I simply started loving myself enough to learn how to remove myself from unacceptable, dangerous, toxic situations. The only place I know to learn this life-saving skill is in Al-Anon.

She seems to have become much healthier (thank God, 'cos she was heading for even more disaster) and I know that she's gone on to other relationships, has found a husband and has children today. I think this is wonderful for everyone involved and is exactly as it should be (years ago, we had the opportunity to make amends to each other, and choose not to have any contact in the interest of our respective sanity). I've also gone on to find love and happiness (much more than 20% of the time!) with my wife.

I feel that when she and I were together, we were each blocking and sabotaging our own happiness. When we moved apart, we allowed the Universe to bring us to those places our collective self-will was keeping us from going.

For me, the pain is not in the act of change. It's in the resistance to that change.

JessicaNAJ

What a wonderful way to look at it. That's awesome!!

jessieandme2003

I felt a fear of my ex AH moving on to give someone else the wonderful sober him I dreamed of.

And when I asked him to leave he made sure to say to me a few months later "I hardly drink at all now, I am quitting. It's a shame someone else will get to be with me this way when it should have been you."
A month later I was so worried I had blew my chance I took the new "sober' him back in. Within a few months he was drinking again.

It was a lot easier to ask him to leave after that, I now didn't believe he'd ever be serious about sobriety when he was with me. If he had to be without me to be sober, so be it.

He is now drinking and making a different woman miserable over it. I don't miss it.

Meanwhile I've discovered that relationships with non-alcoholics are wondrous, as they include getting as well as giving. What a concept!