lillian

Hi- I am 1 1/2 months into al-anon. I chose a temporary sponsor, only I don't think she thinks of it as temporary. I like her and respect her, but do not feel comfortable sharing with her. I called a couple of people to ask what to do, and they suggested that I just stop calling her and not make a big deal of it. But of course I am making a big deal of it- I haven't called her, but feel badly because I am "supposed" to call her every day, and I know she will notice and I will have to say something to her when I see her.
Is feeling uncomfortable a good enough reason? I feel that she does not always listen to me or understand what I tell her. The relationship is more her telling me what I need to do rather than listening or sharing her experience, which is what I'd like. Also, she is the child of an alcoholic and doesn't have experience being married to an alcoholic, which would be helpful. Anyway, I feel pretty bad and confused. I don't trust myself, but on the other hand I feel like I have to trust my instincts. It's confusing. Anyway who has had any similar experience/thoughts on this?

cwohio

lillian - i do not have a sponsor yet so i can only say what i think i would do and you have to ultimately do what you feel your gut is telling you to do. i would tell her that you understood that this was a temporary set up. do you have someone else in mind for your permanent sponsor? just tell her like it is - you don't feel it's the best fit for you. just my 2 cents worth - good luck!

Dee at Mt Bully

lillian--I don't have a sponser yet because I'm afraid of the very thing you are going through. I would probable do something like Chris mentioned. Like saying this was
to be temporary and you would feel better talking to someone who had an AH husband'
It's a tough spot to be in. Good luck--Smiles--Dee

lillian

Thanks, I appreciate your thoughts-

nocellphone

I always find that direct communication, even when it might be scary and uncomfortable, works much better than just letting things hang. It took me a long time to learn that, because I had (have?) some character defects in that area.

***WARNING: CLICHES AHEAD!!!***

I've been told that sponsorship isn't a marriage, and that these relationships don't have to last forever. I didn't find a lasting sponsorship relationship right away, mostly because I was choosing my sponsors the way I had always chosen the other relationships in my life: unhealthily. But I never wanted to look at that. When I finally hit an(other) emotional bottom after four years in recovery, I sought out someone who a) "had what I wanted", b) seemed to have been where I'd been and c) had a working knowledge of the 12 Steps having worked them with his sponsor who had worked them with his sponsor, etc.

I've been working with him now since 1998, and it has been an amazing blessing in my life. Working the Steps with my sponsor has seriously enhanced my growth in recovery, but I wasn't ready until I was ready.