Soberstar122

Alright, I'm in a debate. My boyfriend has been going to AA for a while now, but he says it will come before anybody and everything always. It's his priority. I learned that the hard way. (After losing our baby, I asked him to stay home from a meeting to be with me ((I was suicidal)) and he looked me in my teary eyes and left)
I got pregnant right away after the miscarriage. he says his meetings will come before the baby bc if he isn't sober he can't be the father he needs to be. however... this is where it gets hard for me. He works 7am to almost 6pm. Will be home around 6 30ish and then his meetings are at 7 30. So he will be home for an hour to scarf down dinner and then go straight to his meetings. I couldn't possibly ask him to stay up and take care of the baby plus he will need the sleep. We both worked together and our boss told me it's important he isn't tired at work so I'll have to pull more baby weight. (Is that rude of our boss...?)
I also am directed by his sponsor not to interrupt his meetings at any cost bc he needs full concentration on his sobriety. If I'm in labor I need to wait until he gets home or have somebody else take me. We go to church with his sponsor and he is NOT a fan of me. I'm worried I'll be both parents and my biggest fear is my child asking where her daddy is... in which I really wouldn't have a response. It would break my heart to hear that. I know that i CAN care for a baby on my own. And i will if I have to.

I'm also in recovery. He has 10 months, i have 5. I got pregnant 3 days after getting sober. And It's been a hell of a battle for me. I do it without a sponsor and meetings. Mostly because I see how much meetings take over your life and schedule, and I personally couldn't get in the habit or rely on somebody to help me stay sober. I dont want to be in the habit of leaving everyday sometimes twice a day, if my child needed me and I was gone I'd never forgive myself. So.. my questions overall are :
is it wrong for me to be fearful that he isn't going to be here, he will be there (AA)
How can i get over it? Do I?
Can I be upset that his sponsor gets mad at him if he doesn't go to same church or meeting?
Will I be a terrible mom for not putting AA before my child? My boyfriend at one point had said I'm not going to be a good mom, is it bc I am not taking the same sobriety route?
IS HE RIGHT THAT MEETINGS AND HIS SPONSOR COME BEFORE THE BABY?

Dee74

Hi and welcome soberstart
I'm not in AA but I hope over time that things settle down and become less black and white for you and your partner with regards AA.

I think the best thing both of you can give your unborn baby is two involved, clean, and sober parents.

D

biminiblue

I think if I had all these resentments about my partner's AA attendance, I would work on trying to accept that this is what he's doing right now to save his life. 10 months sober is very new in sobriety and he probably needs those meetings and the guidance of his sponsor.

Does he want children? I mean, you are pregnant and he is going to do what he feels he needs to do to stay sober. That's what you'll have to come to terms with...

DeplorableDog

I have found that no two people are the same with AA. Some people flat out need AA to quit and remain quit. Other people do not need AA at all and as a matter of fact AA can make it harder to remain quit. The question I want to ask is do you think he could remain quit without AA? More than anything else I believe your child needs a sober mother and father.

Steely

I think that staying sober should come before everything, but I don't know about AA.

I understand how you must feel and hope, as Dee says, that things will settle down and he will not be so black and white.

I'm really sorry. That must have really hurt.

I went to aa early in my recovery but no longer attend. I've been sober 4 years.

I wish you the very best and hope you start to concentrate just on yourself. This has to take precedence over everything too. ❤️

advbike

I am so very sorry to hear of your situation.

His sobriety is crucial, but he's overly reliant on AA for it, in my opinion. He's replaced his alcohol addiction with AA, and has bought into all the related dogma. Total black and white thinking. Zero compassion or empathy toward you. That's not how it's supposed to work, but he likes it that way, because he gets to spend time with his AA buddies and you do all the work. If his sponsor was a decent person he would be pointing some of that out to him, but that's no surprise either - AA sponsors are addicts too. Not trained counselors.

I attended meetings for a while and the better ones were focused on recovery as a form of spiritual and emotional growth that leads toward a better, more balanced life, and LESS selfishness - not obsessive adherence to rules and dogma that puts the AA institution at the top of the pyramid. Sure, for the first 90-180 days maybe, but then it's time to step back into the real world of family and work responsibilities.. Has he done any of the step work? Perhaps that will help him - it is a very important part of AA recovery, but again the sponsor matters..

One could hope that he matures out of it and maybe with a new sponsor there would be a chance, especially if he really works the steps. Maybe he would also consider seeing a regular licensed addiction counselor, who could add some balanced perspective? I would work on those things. Otherwise you will be raising that kid by yourself.

Steely

I love you advike

Your post was genius and hope that Soberstar122 takes great comfort from your wise and compassionate words.

I agree totally with each and every one of those words advike. Thanks.

Steely xxx

DriGuy

Alcoholics can't moderate their drinking. That's a given. And one needs to devote themselves to sobriety in the beginning as much as they needed to devote themselves to drinking. Hopefully, this will not result in cult like participation in AA, but some in AA do switch addictions from alcohol to AA. Not all do that, but there is a pull that AA exerts, as it encourages life long participation and claims that those who stop coming to meetings will drink again.

I felt a heady pull in AA myself, based mostly on the giddiness of early sobriety, and after my initial breakthrough, I actually made it a point to pull back and moderate my participation while seeking out other areas of enrichment to broaden and normalize my life. I eventually left AA altogether. The sober environment was what kept me there for as long as it did. Devoting my life to the 12 Steps held no interest for me.

I don't know if your husband is off on just another intoxication in the form of a cult trip, has plans to come back to you, or not. Everyone makes choices about what they want to do with their lives. Recovery has been known to drastically alter relationships, sometimes terminating them completely. And for many AA becomes their whole life, perhaps their only life. That doesn't always happen, of course. Many do sober up and manage to live full lives with their original partners. That can happen in or out of AA.

ToughChoices

For me, AA is a means of getting in touch with my spiritual purpose. It solves my alcohol problem (and my life problem!) by connecting me with my Higher Power and having me ask that Higher Power "what would you have me do?"
When I ask that question, I am told to PUT THE DRINK DOWN. To help others. To forgive. To serve. To let go. To love.

AA participation can lead to emotional maturity, grace, and serenity. It is a beautiful path, but it is walked by VERY confused people. The confusion is most obvious in the beginning, but it can persist for a long time.

I guess, in short, what I'm trying to say is: AA active participation is so much better than drinking. It is imperfect and poorly practiced sometimes, but it is a path toward life. That doesn't mean you have to love everything about it.

You are not wrong to feel afraid. It is hard to be alone. It is hard to feel like you are not a priority. It is scary to look into the future and see the vast unknown.

It is normal and understandable for you to be confused, concerned, upset, and judgmental. Normal, but not very pleasant for you.

I have found that giving some time to these situations tends to provide answers. Has he replaced alcohol with AA??? Is this just another painful addiction? Time will tell - he will either find his path and mellow out (with some lovely results) or he won't. Life is full of uncertainties.

My job is not to control other people's behaviors or find certainty where there is none. You cannot make someone get sober. You cannot make someone get sober in the way that you prefer (it sounds like he would prefer that you do AA and you would prefer that he not - these are attempts at control on both sides). You cannot make someone treat you with kindness and respect.

You can decide what you want your life to look like and start making decisions to advance toward that vision.

I am so glad that both of you have found sobriety! That is the jumping off point for all kinds of wonderful development. It will take time and patience. My very best wishes to you and your new baby!

Zencat

I looks to me he is saving himself and you and the baby are a distant afterthought. I have heard of 90meetings in 90 days, but after that you cut back on meetings and engage more in life. If you have to compete for his love of AA, maybe its time for an ultimation, AA or you.

Some AA zealots use the group as a feeding zone. Looking for someone to convert and to control their every move. It happen to me. I found AA can be very dangerous with predators in the rooms. There good people too in AA. But its the known facts that sharks swim in the AA water is why I built my own pool.

Mysteryman

Seems to me like a bit of a catch 22 situation.
On the one hand, he's taking his reovery seriously and doing what he needs to stay sober.
On the other, his uncompromising devotion to recovery at the expense of family time which is already limited, is causing issues.
Surely a compromise is achievable for both of you.

Coldfusion

For myself, my wife comes before AA. I skipped a meeting Christmas day, for example, because I needed to help her cook a special dinner.

My wife quit drinking the day after I did, eleven years ago, and we have been sober ever since. We went to ninety meetings in ninety days together, and got sponsors and worked the steps. She kept going to meetings for a few years, but does not go to meetings now and has never been on a Zoom AA meeting.

I am quite active in our AA community--I was recently group treasurer for two years, and am now alternate treasurer, business meeting secretary, web page maintainer, and I lead one meeting per week. I go to three other meetings per week, almost always on Zoom, and also one business meeting per month. The business meeting is inconvenient in terms of dinnertime, and my wife always gives a big sigh when I remind her it's business meeting weekend. But she understands my commitment to AA, and is supportive.

Does your husband do Zoom meetings from home? Does he have a service position in AA?

venuscat

It's sobriety that needs to come first, and somehow that has gotten confused. I like what Zen said. AA is there to help us get and stay sober, and we are shown a program for life that we learn by working through the 12 steps. And yes, continuing meetings is important, but if those meetings are coming before everything else in life, it might be time to look at life balance.

DeplorableDog

This is exactly why I left AA. I got the impression the leaders thought you need to devote 100% of your life to AA or you would be drunk. I did not feel that way at all. I have now been quit 190 days and have done better than when I caved at 50 days when I was going to meetings.

ToughChoices

My group is not like this. I am surrounded by supportive friends who have enviably peaceful lives. When I missed a meeting around Christmas (I worked so that my boss could travel to visit family for the holidays), my sponsor didn’t get upset - she applauded my “service” at work in my day to day life. If I was making tons of meetings but neglecting or speaking poorly of my family, my AA group would kick my tail.

I suppose it’s like anything- a huge range of experiences. Reading other people’s negative experiences with AA makes me more convicted of the importance of showing up there with an open heart and mind.

Bubovski

A.A helped me in my journey, but its no panacea.
I found the dogmas to be quite strong.
There were good and helpful messages too.
Many have serious problems apart from alcoholism.
Alcohol is bad enough but otherissues need addressing too.
Perhaps as an adjunct to amore wholiistic plan.

Oglsby

Sobriety should, but not necessarily AA.

joe801

I attended a few meetings at AA and it wasn't for me. I was simply an alcoholic and with some of the discussions that went from spousal abuse to DUIs, bar fights, and other unmentionable stories I felt close to lily white and that was dangerous in that I could drink more because I hadn't done those things. I simply wrote those few meetings off and never mentioned them even on here to try not and cast everyone in a dark shadow.

The only thing a sober person needs is not to pick up the first drink. If there is an obsession that can stay in place with daily AA meetings then again I don't agree with it.

I would say the baby and spouse before AA.

DeplorableDog

Joe described what happened to me. I heard such horror stories about DUI's, fights, jail time that I started to feel like maybe my drinking was not as much of a problem as I thought. But when you are an alcoholic one drink is a problem. All I have to do is never again drink the first drink.

RecklessDrunk

My gut feeling is the sponsor is probably pretty hardcore AA. A lot of them seem to think it has to be done their way. They may not consider you sober if you don't go to meetings, just dry.

If you did AA not all sponsors are like this. I think mine did a good job of living up to AA standards without being nuts. Im not a by the book AA or even close. It is how I got sober, I got a sponsor and worked the steps. I didn't even know SR existed back then. Could I gotten sober without AA, maybe, who knows. I still go to a handful of meetings per month but SR has really become my bread and butter for recovery.

Its just who I am, the recovery combination that works for me. It was great having a sponsor in early recovery. Working the steps and especially grasping the concept of constantly uncovering and fixing short comings. While I like the in person fellowship of AA i also like the just roll up your sleeves and get to recovery here. We don't have to sit through the same pre meeting readings every night and I can kick my feet up and vape.


I think it could be beneficial for you stick around here with us. AA or not i think its a tremendous help for a sober alcoholic to have the constant support of other alcoholics. I think much of staying sober and comfortable in your sobriety depends on who is in your ear all the time. In general, in society (even on tv) they kind of give off a message that drinking is normal and perfectly acceptable. I guess it is for most people. The thing is we're alcoholic, we're not most people. Its good to have a steady stream of the message of recovery in our ear. Read the struggles of the newcomer and the wisdom of the old timers. I really love seeing the newcomers here start to get sober and start passing along the message of recovery.