AJ143143

Hi all. First thank you to everyone for being so involved in not only my journey but everyone’s journey. I woke up this morning just needing to cry… so I did. I knew I could feel something in me that needed to shed. Like a wound that was in me that I was ready to let scab and let it fall off. I had always looked back and knew I had a strange childhood but I would always tell people it was better than it was. Yesterday I texted my dad and step mom that I was finishing up my week into my new job that I hadn’t told them about yet but that the benefits were amazing and it’s the highest paying job I had ever landed. They responded with “great, good job”…. No follow up question we’re asked. Not even where it was. Not, hey let’s get together so we can talk about it. None of that. I will say that I think my dad is a good man but I don’t think he ever wanted to be a father. He did the right thing with my sister and vu I but he does the right on paper thing in most scenarios and for that I’m lucky. That being said, I don’t think I’d hear from him for 6 months if I didn’t reach out and we live 2 miles from one another. As I play the tape backwards I think I was extremely necgleted… it has taken me a while to address that I was. I felt bad saying it for so long but if I don’t say it out loud nothing will ever change. And I want to have significant emotional change. I am starting to see why I started drinking in my mid twenties. I think I had had enough of trying so hard to be loved. The perfectionism and success I was trying to create so that my dad would want to spend time with me was a never winning battle. But around 25 ish I became exhausted from
building my career, trying to be more interesting by traveling, having the perfect body, attempting to have a male relationship with no luck. But trying all the same. It’s like I was bleeding out just trying to be “invited to the dinner party”…. I remember drinking the first year and it was a huge relief to finally not care. As all drinking does, it turned to **** eventually and I so happy to be sober. Just the negclet is still there in me. Something I’m addressing after years and years of ignoring it. I just wanted to thank everyone on here for showing up. It’s made a huge difference for me. Although these friendships are all virtual in nature it’s meaningful beyond what I can express that people here ask the hard questions and really care. I never have really had that before. I’ve always been the question asker and the care taker. So thank you 🙏

Bookbuff

Hey AJ
congrats on the job, well done, we are all proud of you here, its a great achievement and you must have worked hard to get it, I hope it will be the start of many good things for you😊
I do underatand about parents, my mum and I were not close and it used to hurt when she had more time and love for my brothers and sisters, so yes, that didn't help my self esteem. Also, sometimes if I get a promotion or something at work I feel like they must have it wrong 'like imposter syndrome'
And as for men, well my track record is also pretty dismal but I am now trying to put me first.
Do something nice for yourself this weekend, you deserve it a million percent
B x

Gymbunny7

Hi AJ I understand what your saying I had many issues with my parents and some emotions sit under the surface. Stopping drinking pushes us to deal with these issues and any causes that started us leaning to alcohol. I'm leaning to listen to my body and mind as I no longer numb with alcohol. It's a process but you'll come out of it a much stronger person who is in tune with yourself.