JanuaryStrlight

Funnily enough, I tend to over-apologize. Small things, middling things, huge things, etc. On occasion, though, I find it hard to say I'm sorry and mean it, and sometimes even get angry about it.

AH is difficult to apologize to. I've actually become frustrated trying to apologize to him for anything--even big things that merit serious apology. We'll get into why.

This evening, I had a severe anxiety attack over things pertaining to AH's work. He is in trusted role, meaning he needs two locked doors between himself and the rest of the house during certain projects. Something apparently is in a crisis, meaning trusted role was going into effect with a high possibility of all night. This meant I would not get to sleep in my bedroom--I would have to sleep on the couch to honor trusted role. His office is in a nook of our walk-in closet to facilitate not only two doors for this, but also so I can use the main floor as needed throughout the day without disturbing his meetings or work, which was problematic before this part of things, and hence I took a weekend and built the office for him to use.

In retrospect, of course this is a fair expectation, and I'm accustomed to this throughout the day and have worked around it. Do I like being locked out of my bedroom, especially when I need something, no.

In the moment, though, I got extremely upset and panicked at the prospect of being shifted to the family room to sleep. I've had issues with insomnia and anxiety for a long time, and I've become pretty dependent on my sleep routine to stave off the difficulty sleeping and the anxiety that comes with it. I feel extremely safe in the bedroom and in bed and am kind of neurotically attached to fostering that safety in that safe spot before going to sleep at night. I absolutely flipped out--I raised my voice, lashed out, said really stupid things I didn't mean, so on. It ended with him setting up a work nook in the garage which will qualify as two locked doors so I can sleep in bed and adhere to my routine--that did not stop him from scolding me (yes, scolding me) over "raising my voice and attacking him in front of the kids and only being concerned for myself" after I had apologized a hundred times and explained I recognized it was an anxiety attack in retrospect and that now that I was calm I would do what I needed to in order to work around trusted role. I had apologized to the kids and explained why I was upset and why my reaction was wrong by then, too. When I was speaking to him (for the second time, I think?) he called my fifteen-year-old daughter--who's his stepdaughter--into the room so "she could hear it, too." (The same girl he's slammed doors into while drunk and who has told me she hates him and he is her biggest stressor in life, which makes me feel so helpless and torn, since he's rightfully very concerned about consistency in parenting and presenting a united front to her and I want to do the same, and she's obviously undergone a lot due to his drinking and I fully recognize that.)

He's never once told me, "It's okay," after I've apologized for something, no matter what the situation might have been, not one time in the fourteen years we've been together. When it was serious, he told me my apologies were disingenuous and lacked real remorse. When it wasn't serious, he said to not do x/y again. But I never have heard the words "It's okay," or "I forgive you" or even "I acknowledge your apology" or etc. NOT. ONE. TIME.

Recently, I raised my voice at him on a different occasion because I apologized for something, then apologized again when he just wordlessly glared at his computer screen and didn't even glance in my direction or say a word in response, then called myself out in plain speech and apologized a third time, only to again be stonewalled--and finally started yelling that I was sorry and what else did he want from me? At which point, he jerked his head to look at me and said, "Don't yell in front of the kids!"

I feel terrible about how I reacted this evening and fully realize I was in the wrong and am thankful that he set up shop in the garage instead of enforcing that I sleep on the couch tonight. But I don't know how else I can apologize or what else to say. I've already tried a hundred different ways and nothing, minus accommodating me, even when I said I'd accommodate him. I feel worse for the kids and like I can't do enough to make up for how I behaved; that AH won't even acknowledge my apologies and cuts them down by saying they remain self-centered just makes it that much harder. I'm afraid that what he's saying is true and I am just self-centered and don't actually care about the kids but rather my own quality of life.

If anybody has half a clue what the actual heck I should be saying that might actually be more effective communication, please let me know. :P

I'm in therapy and have been for a while. Working on emotional regulation might be chief on my list of topics at my next session. Lately, I've felt like I've been okay--until I'm not, and something like this happens and I can't control my emotions.

ToughChoices

Loving someone means giving grace.

We are not perfect lovers, and we all have limits, so the grace I offer is often fractured and late and tinged with resentment. It’s my life work to improve my love.

Reading your account, I see a person behaving imperfectly (as we are all prone to do), and a person withholding grace for that imperfection. This occurs in all relationships, but when it occurs regularly, repeatedly it is exhausting. Because it doesn’t feel like love. And calling something love that doesn’t feel loving confuses my spirit.

From where I sit all that you can do right now is resolve to forgive yourself for the mistake, offer grace to your spouse for his lack of grace, and determine if this is a pattern that you are ok continuing in.

I am not capable of endless grace for myself and others when none of that grace is reflected back to me.

biminiblue

Well - and - expectations are just pre-formed resentments.

He is likely not going to change and say the exact right thing in the future.

I do agree that yelling is never okay, not ever. If that's truly what you're doing, I'd say maybe stop "apologizing" since it upsets both of you. It just drags the issue back up and causes more tension. Doesn't sound like he really cares whether or not you apologize. Could you write a little card next time? Then drop it.

In this case, it is over and there's no need to continue to hash it out. He moved, (YAY!) into the garage. Mission accomplished.

I hope you can let it go. It's over.

trailmix

Sounds like deflecting to me.

I don't think there is anything you can do to switch up this situation.

He doesn't care about your apology, so I, personally, wouldn't bother.

Did he ask how you were now? Did he ask what he could to to facilitate your feeling more secure? Discuss which tools your therapist suggested? Anything??

United front parenting is important but that's not what he's doing. He's exerting control over you in front of your Daughter, from where I sit.

He's ruling the house.

As for sleeping in your own room, I think probably the majority of people feel that same sense of security and relaxation in their own room. Maybe you being "banished" from your own bedroom causes you more anxiety, but I completely get it. Why didn't he move to the garage years ago?

Is he still drinking or did he quit on his own?

velma929

Setting up a secure place that barrs someone from sleeping comfortably sounds a little maniipulative to me - especially since there's a second place in the house where that doesn't have to happen. That WHOLE thing didn't need to happen, if he can work elsewhere. Maybe you over-reacted a tad, but I'd be angry. I'd be especially angry that he has a suitable place in the garage to start with, and kicked you out of the bedroom. WTH?

As for your apologies - well, if they're not acknowledged or acceptied, why would you feel good about continuing to make the effort? You're doing what is expected in civil society to move forward, and he seems intent on not doing that. This is elementary school stuff, or should be.

biminiblue

I think she may have caused part of this problem, Velma...
She built the office in the bedroom closet and now he has moved, and I'm sure he's being difficult about it. She could have had him build it in the garage in the first place. Getting put out of one's bedroom isn't something any woman would likely be agreeable to do, but she actually facilitated it. All of this is hindsight but now it's resolved.

Honestly, I cannot think of any job that would require two locked doors...if it's something like National Security, he would not even be able to access the work at home because no employer would be able to enforce this rule, unless the entire house was wired with electronic video surveillance - which I suppose it's possible, but I think there is something else going on here. It all sounds very cloak and dagger but it may be something way more sinister - like porn, another addiction, or something else he's doing in there that's illegal or shameful to him.

I don't know what to think of this original post. All of it sounds sketchy to me.

trailmix

I agree bimini, that was my first thought. What "work from home" job requires this type of security and how do a couple of locked house doors facilitate that?

For the office though, I think only January knows the answer to that. This isn't a regular situation.

velma929

It sounded weird to me, too. Why was January building the office? More important, top secret stuff needs to stay in an office where the employer can better secure the computer and keep it safe from hacking. Working from home doesn't make sense, at all. (This is coming from someone who has immediate family members who worked for the government, and another who worked in the mental health field.)

"Two locked doors" sounds more like viewing porn, to me.

Eauchiche

I thought the "trusted role" thing sounded like a lot of BS. The last guy I knew that tried this, was running around on his wife. She didn't even know what he did for a living.

JanuaryStrlight

First of all, guys, thank you all so much for your support. It was heartening to sign in and find so much solidarity. <3

Second of all, I lost my whole reply because in keeping with how my wonderful day has gone (lol, it's been a great morning--just found out AH disputed my figure skating club charge on the statement because the refund for the difference in overpayment didn't come fast enough and now I might not be able to skate in my competition next month and I've been working REALLY HARD toward it, my glasses broke, my dog got out and was just roaming the neighbor's yard because he won't fix his fence) my PC froze up mid-reply. XD

ANYWAY. XD

So AH's trusted role is an optional thing in his company that comes with benefits, so he can work from home and for trusted role positions and promotions and involvement, the compromise is to have two locked doors. The closet was the best option over the garage (which is kind of bleh to spend a lot of time in, so I don't blame him not wanting to hang out in there) and basement, which is hard for my daughter to cope with as her room is right by where his office would be and doesn't have an actual door, just a curtain, because her room was improvised down there after my son was born. Pinterest gave me the idea as people apparently have made lots of "cloffices" in the wake of the pandemic with increased work from home but not necessarily increased home space. XD It just made more sense--him working on the main floor, which is all one area partitioned off into a dining room (which is the playroom and where he worked), kitchen, hallway, living room and bathroom, etc. wasn't sustainable, since he'd be on hours-long meetings and just us being on that same floor to use the kitchen to eat was too noisy during these meetings. Like he needed SOMETHING more private and the sizable walk-in closet fit the bill, lol.

@trailmix it's funny you mention deflection--I was actually just told it might be a form of gaslighting, like withhold forgiveness to build desperation until I explode and then he can be like "WHY U MAD THO U NUTS FRFR." SIGH. It tracks, I actually have noticed he pokes and pokes and pokes until I explode and then he's like "Wait, why are you upset, you're acting completely irrational" so I've stopped biting when he starts picking at me. My mom would do that when she was drunk, so I'm surprised I didn't pick up on it sooner. Although he demands apology and remorse for a lot out of me, he's not readily dishing out grace, so there's no point. Probably time to quit seeking it from him because that sh** ain't coming.

As for malfeasance behind closed doors... I'd be really surprised if it was an affair or porn. He's got his vices, those just... aren't them. I'd buy more drinking, though, tbh. That would make a lot of sense. He also never drinks in front of anyone--he just disappears and then POOF reappears drunk as a skunk while maintaining he's not under the influence and we're all just mistaking his behavior.

Well, I gotta run, but THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR REAL. <3 Lots and lots of love. <3

trailmix

I know someone who did this to his wife. She also stopped biting and spent years calling him on it. He did finally stop. I think ignoring it is the best approach, personally. I don't recommend bothering to try to get him to stop, when I say it took years, I mean it took years (like 5) and hours of conversation.

Yes, he's probably just drinking. Might have something to do with work as well.

So basically nothing has changed.

How are you doing with all of this though?

JanuaryStrlight

I mean... I'm here, lol. There's a whole new pot of tea to spill but that's for a different post. XD Stay tuned!

Honestly, I feel pretty maxed out. I don't have five years in me at this point. It's been fourteen years of this and I'm running on whatever's left after the fumes are gone. :P But I'm getting a plan together and I'm going to sleep on it and we'll see what happens. Thank you for asking--I mean that, I really appreciate it. <3

Just going to focus on my kids and my training and getting back into working possibly and that will be that. <3 Lots of love!