Frustrating Realization may be Codependent
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Frustrating Realization may be Codependent
I am not new to SR, but I am new to the idea of codependency. I never in a million realized that I could be the type to be codependent, because my own addictions have been very selfish, but I have always managed to pay my own way and never really bothered asking for or taking any help from anyone else. I am close to four years sober, and now I find myself in a very interesting situation for a couple of years now.
Long story short, I was a bad alcoholic for a long time. I got my life together in 2020. I did it in a complete overhaul type way. It has not been easy for a lot of people being around me, because for years I was so out of control, that I think they really thought I wouldn't survive it. I never had any intentions of stopping the behavior, but I really had an eye-opening experience that led me to quit drinking in 2020 and I have never looked back. The rewards of sobriety have almost been unbelievable. A lot of them have been achieved by me simply living right, but some honestly seem Heaven-bestowed. I have been blessed beyond belief.
My partner was always the stronger one. Put up with my drinking for years. Very supportive but also very aggressive when I could not pull myself together. My family was much the same.
I am not concerned about my family but I am concerned about my partner. Lots of super passive aggressive behavior going on in the past two years. I just recently retired, and I am too young to really retire, but I want to take some time off for a breather before I take on a second career. My partner is 13 years older than I am and we have been together over two decades.
Long story short, I finally retired in April and was very excited. I am not much of a summer person, as I prefer the cooler months, so really took the summer to unwind. My partner is on social security, but gets a hefty benefit due to a very successful career. Now guess what? Without saying much, the strong implication is suddenly me, John, is going to pay for every little extra in our lives as their social security check only pays for exactly half of their bills and no more. We have discussed multitudinous times about the need for them to get just a tiny little part time job for extras and....you guessed it....nothing.
I still don't think I am really truly codependent because this is NOT going to go on much longer. They also are a beer drinker, though not at a problematic. But guess what John (me) is NOT gonna do? Yep, that's right, John isn't going to pay for this person's beer, that's for damned sure. As well as other things that are adding up quite a bit over the months. No way, no how.
I'm so livid right now because this has become an immediate problem. I know the simplest solution is to say, "You have no outside money outside what you bring in", but that feels too simple. I am TRULY pissed about this and am ready to take it to a deeper argument. Any comments would really, really be appreciated. Thanks, John
Long story short, I was a bad alcoholic for a long time. I got my life together in 2020. I did it in a complete overhaul type way. It has not been easy for a lot of people being around me, because for years I was so out of control, that I think they really thought I wouldn't survive it. I never had any intentions of stopping the behavior, but I really had an eye-opening experience that led me to quit drinking in 2020 and I have never looked back. The rewards of sobriety have almost been unbelievable. A lot of them have been achieved by me simply living right, but some honestly seem Heaven-bestowed. I have been blessed beyond belief.
My partner was always the stronger one. Put up with my drinking for years. Very supportive but also very aggressive when I could not pull myself together. My family was much the same.
I am not concerned about my family but I am concerned about my partner. Lots of super passive aggressive behavior going on in the past two years. I just recently retired, and I am too young to really retire, but I want to take some time off for a breather before I take on a second career. My partner is 13 years older than I am and we have been together over two decades.
Long story short, I finally retired in April and was very excited. I am not much of a summer person, as I prefer the cooler months, so really took the summer to unwind. My partner is on social security, but gets a hefty benefit due to a very successful career. Now guess what? Without saying much, the strong implication is suddenly me, John, is going to pay for every little extra in our lives as their social security check only pays for exactly half of their bills and no more. We have discussed multitudinous times about the need for them to get just a tiny little part time job for extras and....you guessed it....nothing.
I still don't think I am really truly codependent because this is NOT going to go on much longer. They also are a beer drinker, though not at a problematic. But guess what John (me) is NOT gonna do? Yep, that's right, John isn't going to pay for this person's beer, that's for damned sure. As well as other things that are adding up quite a bit over the months. No way, no how.
I'm so livid right now because this has become an immediate problem. I know the simplest solution is to say, "You have no outside money outside what you bring in", but that feels too simple. I am TRULY pissed about this and am ready to take it to a deeper argument. Any comments would really, really be appreciated. Thanks, John
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HI!
Well, unless you have left something out here, I don't see you as being codependent? Bottom line a sure sign of codependency is abandoning your needs and wants (and sometimes yourself) for someone or many "someones".
Is that you?
Although you have been together for 20 years, most of that time was spent drinking. Is it possible, now that you are sober, that you are finding incompatibilities and that's what is at play here?
Other than the financial side and you mentioning passive aggressiveness, are there other things going on? Are you still committed to this person and are they committed to you, or is this more of a getting along ok by and large situation? No need to answer this here of course if that's all too personal, but something to ponder perhaps.
You are no doubt aware that alcoholics don't make the best of partners. It is possible there is a lot of resentment brewing here.
Is that worth addressing? Only you and your partner know that, but couples counselling might be a step to get everything out on the table?
Well, unless you have left something out here, I don't see you as being codependent? Bottom line a sure sign of codependency is abandoning your needs and wants (and sometimes yourself) for someone or many "someones".
Is that you?
Although you have been together for 20 years, most of that time was spent drinking. Is it possible, now that you are sober, that you are finding incompatibilities and that's what is at play here?
Other than the financial side and you mentioning passive aggressiveness, are there other things going on? Are you still committed to this person and are they committed to you, or is this more of a getting along ok by and large situation? No need to answer this here of course if that's all too personal, but something to ponder perhaps.
You are no doubt aware that alcoholics don't make the best of partners. It is possible there is a lot of resentment brewing here.
Is that worth addressing? Only you and your partner know that, but couples counselling might be a step to get everything out on the table?
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Thanks so much for your reply. To me, it almost feels like, "OK, you got sober, now let me be the anchor, so you know what it feels like." I definitely feel resentments from my partner, and almost a sense that they can never be paid enough.
I also think you are correct that there are incompatibilities that we have never addressed because I was always a bad drinker. Now that I am sober, my partner is appearing weaker, almost like it is "their turn", if that makes any sense.
I definitely caused A LOT of damage due to my alcoholism, but now with such a tremendous turnabout, it is as though I've succeeded "too much." Almost as if I deserved more punishment? I do not perceive that at all but all I ever get is "Ever since you got sober your world has been wonderful, and everyone sees it as though it is on display," I am very humble about my sobriety, but will admit is a VERY dramatic change from who I was.
My partner is not an alcoholic, and the drinking is very mild and does not bother me at all. It's the "Now I'm going to be a financial drain" as some sort of penance that I have a problem with. I LOVE my partner, but I have a feeling that even after so long we don't know each other so well. So much was a blur--even in the good times. Thanks for your help.
I also think you are correct that there are incompatibilities that we have never addressed because I was always a bad drinker. Now that I am sober, my partner is appearing weaker, almost like it is "their turn", if that makes any sense.
I definitely caused A LOT of damage due to my alcoholism, but now with such a tremendous turnabout, it is as though I've succeeded "too much." Almost as if I deserved more punishment? I do not perceive that at all but all I ever get is "Ever since you got sober your world has been wonderful, and everyone sees it as though it is on display," I am very humble about my sobriety, but will admit is a VERY dramatic change from who I was.
My partner is not an alcoholic, and the drinking is very mild and does not bother me at all. It's the "Now I'm going to be a financial drain" as some sort of penance that I have a problem with. I LOVE my partner, but I have a feeling that even after so long we don't know each other so well. So much was a blur--even in the good times. Thanks for your help.
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I don't know how codependency comes into this, dearest Og. 
s
I am not sure if you are married, but if so, you had to know they were 13 years older than you.
And sure, this is not easy for you and not what you want, so I am thinking that an honest conversation may help.
Tell them how you feel, and what you are and are not willing to do, as far as financing their drinking.
Just my thoughts, love. xx ❤️
(And I echo our dear trailmix
). xx
sI am not sure if you are married, but if so, you had to know they were 13 years older than you.
And sure, this is not easy for you and not what you want, so I am thinking that an honest conversation may help.
Tell them how you feel, and what you are and are not willing to do, as far as financing their drinking.
Just my thoughts, love. xx ❤️
(And I echo our dear trailmix
). xx
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Hey Venus,
Yes, we are married, but the age difference was not apparent many years ago when I was 28 and they were 41. It just wasn't a big deal then and my partner is very young for their age.
I have mentioned the imperative need for them to get a job for all of the extras (alcohol is a minor expense, but other things pop up that seem to be more and more.)
We have talked quite a bit but I find them more and more not wanting to have the conversations. It is time to dig deeper here. Thanks, Venus.
Yes, we are married, but the age difference was not apparent many years ago when I was 28 and they were 41. It just wasn't a big deal then and my partner is very young for their age.
I have mentioned the imperative need for them to get a job for all of the extras (alcohol is a minor expense, but other things pop up that seem to be more and more.)
We have talked quite a bit but I find them more and more not wanting to have the conversations. It is time to dig deeper here. Thanks, Venus.
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You know something else comes to my mind here.
Often we hear (in this forum) from partners of alcoholics that have been abandoned when the alcoholic goes to rehab, or shortly thereafter. They get sober, they feel better and they are off either trying to get a new rush (new relationship) or for other reasons that usually aren't necessarily apparent on the surface. Sometimes it's a big lack of communication, which has all but gone by the wayside. When the elephant is always in the room there is very little room for settling other differences or other "normal" relationship - stuff.
In many cases the abandoned partner will say - I sacrificed so much for this person and as soon as they get sober, they leave. Many times a person will think if the alcoholic will just get sober, all will be well.
Your situation may just be the flip side of this (which we don't see very often). When someone says - if they would just get sober then - it's almost always said - it may not be what you think it will be. You don't know the "sober" person or not very well and they may not even know who they are sober.
If your partner has been juggling things for 16 years, they are probably exhausted. Also, that whole break down of normal communication over many years has to leave damage. Another thing mentioned here sometimes is a lack (from the now sober partner) of true amends. Of working through all of the hurt and stress the other partner felt. It's like any betrayal, you kind of need to keep at it until there is a feeling of satisfaction from the hurt party that it's been addressed. Complete transparency about what happened in those years.
Anyway, just thought I would share that, don't know if it helps or not.
Often we hear (in this forum) from partners of alcoholics that have been abandoned when the alcoholic goes to rehab, or shortly thereafter. They get sober, they feel better and they are off either trying to get a new rush (new relationship) or for other reasons that usually aren't necessarily apparent on the surface. Sometimes it's a big lack of communication, which has all but gone by the wayside. When the elephant is always in the room there is very little room for settling other differences or other "normal" relationship - stuff.
In many cases the abandoned partner will say - I sacrificed so much for this person and as soon as they get sober, they leave. Many times a person will think if the alcoholic will just get sober, all will be well.
Your situation may just be the flip side of this (which we don't see very often). When someone says - if they would just get sober then - it's almost always said - it may not be what you think it will be. You don't know the "sober" person or not very well and they may not even know who they are sober.
If your partner has been juggling things for 16 years, they are probably exhausted. Also, that whole break down of normal communication over many years has to leave damage. Another thing mentioned here sometimes is a lack (from the now sober partner) of true amends. Of working through all of the hurt and stress the other partner felt. It's like any betrayal, you kind of need to keep at it until there is a feeling of satisfaction from the hurt party that it's been addressed. Complete transparency about what happened in those years.
Anyway, just thought I would share that, don't know if it helps or not.
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When we met, it was the late 90s and I was in my late 20s and my partner was 41. I had been through a very hurtful 6 year relationship, and they had not been in a relationship in a long, long time. Everything was "perfect" for a long, long time. We did all the "fun" stuff couples do: Travel, a very nice life, lots of friends, etc. My partner is a very normal drinker and I would say my drinking turned from abuse to dependence around 2008. In 2010 my mother passed away suddenly, and I was a mess from then until about 2014, so a good, long 4 years. My partner did their best to stick by me. I was literally just getting by.
My first real attempt at sobriety happened in 2016, and I had other times until 2020 where I would go as much as a year. But, in 2020 I realized that this was a life-defining choice, and I went about seeking sobriety in every way possible.
So here we are, and I am newly retired and my partner is close to 65--but a very young 65--but 65 nonetheless. I am 52 and taking a 1-2 year break before I begin career 2. I have had a bit of practice with this because my own sister married a man who was 14 years older than she, and I have watched their relationship change throughout the years.
The bottom line is we are not yet ready financially for my partner to be fully retired, and I am not sure how much they get that, as much as we talk about it. Lots of money has vaporized since I retired in the past few months and it cannot continue. They must do their part. If they could be fully retired I would support that, but the finances are just not there unless we lived a far lower standard of living (and I mean bare bones). We have worked too hard for that to be our reality.
I think the time is right for more conversations and I am ready to have them. I want to stay with my partner, but they have to come to an understanding that it is not just me WANTING them to help, they NEED to help. This will be a process, and we really are just beginning. Communication right now is key. I tend to keep things inside but I am ready to talk.
I am not entirely sure we totally "know" each other, but I know they are a great person and I am certainly willing to put in the work.
My first real attempt at sobriety happened in 2016, and I had other times until 2020 where I would go as much as a year. But, in 2020 I realized that this was a life-defining choice, and I went about seeking sobriety in every way possible.
So here we are, and I am newly retired and my partner is close to 65--but a very young 65--but 65 nonetheless. I am 52 and taking a 1-2 year break before I begin career 2. I have had a bit of practice with this because my own sister married a man who was 14 years older than she, and I have watched their relationship change throughout the years.
The bottom line is we are not yet ready financially for my partner to be fully retired, and I am not sure how much they get that, as much as we talk about it. Lots of money has vaporized since I retired in the past few months and it cannot continue. They must do their part. If they could be fully retired I would support that, but the finances are just not there unless we lived a far lower standard of living (and I mean bare bones). We have worked too hard for that to be our reality.
I think the time is right for more conversations and I am ready to have them. I want to stay with my partner, but they have to come to an understanding that it is not just me WANTING them to help, they NEED to help. This will be a process, and we really are just beginning. Communication right now is key. I tend to keep things inside but I am ready to talk.
I am not entirely sure we totally "know" each other, but I know they are a great person and I am certainly willing to put in the work.
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Hi
Other than streamline somehow being just above bear bones IDK?
I can suggest learning "I statements" when talking to a partner, friend, and everybody. That way you don't make the mistake of accusing people of making you feel any mood you get in as a result of any conversation. If people control your mood you are screwed.
Working at 65 is a little late to still be working. I know people work to the very end in their 80s even into the 90s, but I think it's time to change gears at that age and not work, retire.
Other than streamline somehow being just above bear bones IDK?
I can suggest learning "I statements" when talking to a partner, friend, and everybody. That way you don't make the mistake of accusing people of making you feel any mood you get in as a result of any conversation. If people control your mood you are screwed.
Working at 65 is a little late to still be working. I know people work to the very end in their 80s even into the 90s, but I think it's time to change gears at that age and not work, retire.
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I see what you mean, for sure, Zen, but there are plenty of part-time, easy jobs that could be done to help out. I simply don't make enough to bear the weight of both of us with any chance of having a decent life. I agree nothing full-time at all.
I do try to use "I" statements as well, and they do seem to help since they are not accusatory. Thanks, bud.
I do try to use "I" statements as well, and they do seem to help since they are not accusatory. Thanks, bud.
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Maybe couples counseling for one session and go from there. Some Churches offer MFT (non spiritual) counseling on a sliding scale. My family did that for me once. If you belong to a church, some pastors have experience in couples consultations for free. Great experience that help me understand who I was.
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Sometimes people want different standards of living as they get older. Are you sure you partner wants to “maintain” the level you have had up to now? Perhaps the “perks” that cost extra are more your desire than theirs, so they are not offering to pay their share?
I turned 59 in August and have been retired 2.5 years. Though I am currently working on a business degree for a second “career” in hospitality because I get free tuition and am interested doing something totally different than my former “university professor” role, I honestly might be happier just downsizing and living a more modest life with more time to reflect and enjoy nature, my family, my pets etc.
Maybe that’s a conversation you both need to work with over time—what are your goals and desires for the rest of your life as individuals and as partners? It might be difficult to have this talk—maybe in small stages or with a couples counselor if conflict arises?
Drinking cut me off from truly knowing my partner as he grew older and changed. Your partner may have also changed greatly though they appear to be the “same” person you’ve been with for so long.
What do you think?
I turned 59 in August and have been retired 2.5 years. Though I am currently working on a business degree for a second “career” in hospitality because I get free tuition and am interested doing something totally different than my former “university professor” role, I honestly might be happier just downsizing and living a more modest life with more time to reflect and enjoy nature, my family, my pets etc.
Maybe that’s a conversation you both need to work with over time—what are your goals and desires for the rest of your life as individuals and as partners? It might be difficult to have this talk—maybe in small stages or with a couples counselor if conflict arises?
Drinking cut me off from truly knowing my partner as he grew older and changed. Your partner may have also changed greatly though they appear to be the “same” person you’ve been with for so long.
What do you think?
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Thanks to you guys for all of the ideas. There is truth in all you say.
Hawkeye, I think it stems partly from what you say. I do not need to live a high standard of living anymore, it just bothers me that my partner does not have anything left over and I have never made a fortune. I am DEFINITELY too young to retire, and, like you, I am looking for something more of what I would enjoy and to tone down my professional career. I was also a university professor as well, and that runs in my family.
It seems like a lot of this is coming down to coming to terms with our age difference, which feels very large right now. It is nothing that makes me unhappy and I would never want to be with someone else, but with such a vast difference in age, this is the first time that it really feels poignant. The bottom line is life, in general, as we all know, is expensive. I guess I just get upset to get asked for money for things that could very easily be solved by a small, part-time job. Nothing full time, nothing demanding....just something to contribute.
I think the age difference also scares me right now because it is very noticeable, and I am watching this play out with my sister who is 68 and her husband is now 82. It is hard to be in a relationship with such vast age differences. I am also far younger than anyone else in my family.
I also DEFINITELY agree with the last thing you mentioned....drinking took me away from seeing him age as he was going through the processes....I still view him as the same but he is definitely, noticeably, older. This is for certain, and much more so even since I got sober 3.5 years ago.
Hawkeye, I think it stems partly from what you say. I do not need to live a high standard of living anymore, it just bothers me that my partner does not have anything left over and I have never made a fortune. I am DEFINITELY too young to retire, and, like you, I am looking for something more of what I would enjoy and to tone down my professional career. I was also a university professor as well, and that runs in my family.
It seems like a lot of this is coming down to coming to terms with our age difference, which feels very large right now. It is nothing that makes me unhappy and I would never want to be with someone else, but with such a vast difference in age, this is the first time that it really feels poignant. The bottom line is life, in general, as we all know, is expensive. I guess I just get upset to get asked for money for things that could very easily be solved by a small, part-time job. Nothing full time, nothing demanding....just something to contribute.
I think the age difference also scares me right now because it is very noticeable, and I am watching this play out with my sister who is 68 and her husband is now 82. It is hard to be in a relationship with such vast age differences. I am also far younger than anyone else in my family.
I also DEFINITELY agree with the last thing you mentioned....drinking took me away from seeing him age as he was going through the processes....I still view him as the same but he is definitely, noticeably, older. This is for certain, and much more so even since I got sober 3.5 years ago.
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Sorry to hear that you’re feeling some stress about these things Oglsby.
If all things were resolved and some of your wishes came through, what would that reality look like? Is it feasible?
Can you assert your position, then accept that new reality?
My wife has been without earnings for quite a few months now. The entire truth about our situation is that: we eat, the bills get paid, I love spending time with her, we share and laugh each day. I’m happy.
She is in whatever place she is meant to be at right now. I can only guess what an alternate future looks like.
For today I’m happy (watching some CFL football), our home is a safe and secure place, I have a loving partner. My Country is not at war.
Countless things to be grateful for.
You are a creative and capable person, I don’t think you have to worry about codependence. That doesn’t seem like you.
Maybe you’re resentful at your partner (??)
Finances (especially when thin) are too big of a stressor in life.
Are you intending to retire (or semi-retire) at your current home? If I recall you have a nice home out in the country. Would downsizing into a Condo or similar be an option. Would that increase the ‘nest egg’?
Glad you’re posting with your concerns.
take care, be well.
If all things were resolved and some of your wishes came through, what would that reality look like? Is it feasible?
Can you assert your position, then accept that new reality?
My wife has been without earnings for quite a few months now. The entire truth about our situation is that: we eat, the bills get paid, I love spending time with her, we share and laugh each day. I’m happy.
She is in whatever place she is meant to be at right now. I can only guess what an alternate future looks like.
For today I’m happy (watching some CFL football), our home is a safe and secure place, I have a loving partner. My Country is not at war.
Countless things to be grateful for.
You are a creative and capable person, I don’t think you have to worry about codependence. That doesn’t seem like you.
Maybe you’re resentful at your partner (??)
Finances (especially when thin) are too big of a stressor in life.
Are you intending to retire (or semi-retire) at your current home? If I recall you have a nice home out in the country. Would downsizing into a Condo or similar be an option. Would that increase the ‘nest egg’?
Glad you’re posting with your concerns.
take care, be well.
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I would like to add my experience for thought on this thread. This is coming from the loves one of an alcoholic side of the road. Your partner may well be experiencing turmoil over living through your addiction. As you know it does not only affect the alcoholic but can nearly shred the people around you. I can only speak from my own experience in that I carry trauma from all of those years, that are deeply embedded. The fear, the words, the watching of a loved one appear to be insane. There are some events that truly have seared into my being. I’ve been in Alanon for a few years and just started to see a trauma therapist for help to resolve or lessen this in my own mind. I would say be patient and kind because you may not realize what your partner has endured. It’s a process for the loved ones as well. I’ve told my qualifier many times that I felt like his addiction and chaos shredded me on the battle field, and I felt like I was still lying on the battle field bloody and tore up, and I needed help. We hope, we pray, we endure and when someone with addiction gets sober, we are lying there pummeled over all that we have experienced.
We are divorcing right now. I believe he’s still sober but I don’t know for certain. I love him and he says he loves me. However the future is unknown. But as I learned in recovery it’s one day at a time for us too.
That is my experience.
We are divorcing right now. I believe he’s still sober but I don’t know for certain. I love him and he says he loves me. However the future is unknown. But as I learned in recovery it’s one day at a time for us too.
That is my experience.
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Thanks TC and Ashm.
TC: Your post really resounds with me. Things are actually pretty honestly how I would hope them to be, with just a little more money. I chose to take an investment lump sum when I retired, and it is not a fortune, but it is a good chunk. I am just terrified of seeing it depleting when I am only 52. But it won't when I get a new job in 1-2 years and we can live frugally but well.
I also WANT to work longer, as I feel far too young to be retired, I just did not want to do my job of 27 years anymore. I think it I/we are just in an odd place right now because I would feel better if I had a job, but I also desperately needed 1-2 years off as I was burnt out. We planned to do a little traveling and rest together and we are doing that. I do NOT regret retiring. I had a great career and it was very fulfilling. It's just weird to look at each other each day and to realize that, for the moment, we are both retired.
I need to accept the fact that I am the younger of the two of us, and my partner was very supportive of me when we were younger and I was the lesser wage earner. It is now my turn. I guess through all of my years drinking I just never realized this. One of the many things I hate about having been a drinker. All of those years that are a fog to me, but not my partner. And in this, Ashm, you are 100% correct. My partner definitely sustained damage and I was definitely out of control for a long, long time and they stood by me through thick and thin.
And TC, again, I have tons of things to be grateful for. We do have a far better life than most, and it does not mean I want more material things. I actually do not. We have been there and done that. As I type this I am feeling a bit of exceptional joy because I feel like right now we are maybe exactly where we were meant to be. I will get another job, I will take this time off for US, I will continue to make amends and be the best person I can be, and I have so much to be grateful for. The next ten years will be pivotal in my life because I am the youngest of much older siblings and my partner is about to be 65 and I am 52. These are the facts. I need to be thankful for the now and live each moment as something special. We are financially secure to have all of the things a happy life should have.
One time I was feeling guilty because I thought, "I lived my whole career intoxicated, and somehow did a good job at it." I did not do a good job in my personal life. The other thing I thought was, "And now all of those hard years are over and at least my career is now over, and that is a good thing." This is also true. My 30s and 40s were NOT good times, and I was not the person I could be around those who love me so very much. I have a very good family and group of friends. Today I shall practice gratitude.
TC: Your post really resounds with me. Things are actually pretty honestly how I would hope them to be, with just a little more money. I chose to take an investment lump sum when I retired, and it is not a fortune, but it is a good chunk. I am just terrified of seeing it depleting when I am only 52. But it won't when I get a new job in 1-2 years and we can live frugally but well.
I also WANT to work longer, as I feel far too young to be retired, I just did not want to do my job of 27 years anymore. I think it I/we are just in an odd place right now because I would feel better if I had a job, but I also desperately needed 1-2 years off as I was burnt out. We planned to do a little traveling and rest together and we are doing that. I do NOT regret retiring. I had a great career and it was very fulfilling. It's just weird to look at each other each day and to realize that, for the moment, we are both retired.
I need to accept the fact that I am the younger of the two of us, and my partner was very supportive of me when we were younger and I was the lesser wage earner. It is now my turn. I guess through all of my years drinking I just never realized this. One of the many things I hate about having been a drinker. All of those years that are a fog to me, but not my partner. And in this, Ashm, you are 100% correct. My partner definitely sustained damage and I was definitely out of control for a long, long time and they stood by me through thick and thin.
And TC, again, I have tons of things to be grateful for. We do have a far better life than most, and it does not mean I want more material things. I actually do not. We have been there and done that. As I type this I am feeling a bit of exceptional joy because I feel like right now we are maybe exactly where we were meant to be. I will get another job, I will take this time off for US, I will continue to make amends and be the best person I can be, and I have so much to be grateful for. The next ten years will be pivotal in my life because I am the youngest of much older siblings and my partner is about to be 65 and I am 52. These are the facts. I need to be thankful for the now and live each moment as something special. We are financially secure to have all of the things a happy life should have.
One time I was feeling guilty because I thought, "I lived my whole career intoxicated, and somehow did a good job at it." I did not do a good job in my personal life. The other thing I thought was, "And now all of those hard years are over and at least my career is now over, and that is a good thing." This is also true. My 30s and 40s were NOT good times, and I was not the person I could be around those who love me so very much. I have a very good family and group of friends. Today I shall practice gratitude.
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Saskatchewan.
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Great posts Ashm and Oglsby.
Yes, I believe my wife was also shredded by my drunkenness. Thanks for the clear perspective Ashm. (and the reminder). This makes me appreciate her even more today.
Oglsby, teaching is a very stressful career. Kudos for putting 27 years in. I’m at about 17 years and I often wonder if I can continue for another 8 or 10 years. Who knows?
Glad you’re taking a couple of years to recenter.
Be well sober travellers!
Yes, I believe my wife was also shredded by my drunkenness. Thanks for the clear perspective Ashm. (and the reminder). This makes me appreciate her even more today.
Oglsby, teaching is a very stressful career. Kudos for putting 27 years in. I’m at about 17 years and I often wonder if I can continue for another 8 or 10 years. Who knows?
Glad you’re taking a couple of years to recenter.
Be well sober travellers!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,658
Hey Og, I have been rereading all of the posts, and I am wondering why you chose to retire so young; I know that would not work out for me at all, as I am in a very similar situation. xx
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Mid-Atlantic states
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Hey Venus,
A full career would have been 30 years, but I chose to stop at 27 years and 52 years old because I was really burned out and I have lots of family members who are ill and need visiting, etc. I also am keeping my partner's age in mind, and want to do some traveling before I start career #2 when that will not be so easy. The difference financially in retiring at 27 years versus 30 years was not enough for me to stay longer. Plus I taught at the college level for 27 years, which is a long time to be only 52.
I have been thinking about this post all day and how glad I am that I wrote it. All of you have made me realize that--though life is not perfect---I am kind of right where I need to be right now both personally, spiritually , and in the relationship with my partner as well as family and friends. It just feels weird to "finally be there", which I know is never perfection or never done in life. I spent so much of my life drinking that it is a very odd feeling to be able to retire at this age, and, honestly, the 'drunk me" did all of the work. It made me think of a Macaulay Culkin quote (Home alone movies, etc) where he says he views his age now and doing what he wants through the lens of a very young boy who was worked to death but paid for his future self's dinner. I guess I kind of feel like that for my career. It was rewarding but hard at times, and sometimes I wonder how I managed at all. But it's the other parts of my life I need to savor now, like time with loved ones and my partner.
I also have an opportunity waiting for me after the 1-2 years I take off in another but related field, so the timing felt right. I have been considering this since about 2019, right before I got sober.
A full career would have been 30 years, but I chose to stop at 27 years and 52 years old because I was really burned out and I have lots of family members who are ill and need visiting, etc. I also am keeping my partner's age in mind, and want to do some traveling before I start career #2 when that will not be so easy. The difference financially in retiring at 27 years versus 30 years was not enough for me to stay longer. Plus I taught at the college level for 27 years, which is a long time to be only 52.
I have been thinking about this post all day and how glad I am that I wrote it. All of you have made me realize that--though life is not perfect---I am kind of right where I need to be right now both personally, spiritually , and in the relationship with my partner as well as family and friends. It just feels weird to "finally be there", which I know is never perfection or never done in life. I spent so much of my life drinking that it is a very odd feeling to be able to retire at this age, and, honestly, the 'drunk me" did all of the work. It made me think of a Macaulay Culkin quote (Home alone movies, etc) where he says he views his age now and doing what he wants through the lens of a very young boy who was worked to death but paid for his future self's dinner. I guess I kind of feel like that for my career. It was rewarding but hard at times, and sometimes I wonder how I managed at all. But it's the other parts of my life I need to savor now, like time with loved ones and my partner.
I also have an opportunity waiting for me after the 1-2 years I take off in another but related field, so the timing felt right. I have been considering this since about 2019, right before I got sober.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,658
So, you mean you retiring from teaching, not retiring then. I mean, I am really confused because I thought you were learning to become a counsellor, which is incredible, by the way. ❤️
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