When the "I" statements make them mad....
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Join Date: Jul 2023
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When the "I" statements make them mad....
Sorry this got a little long....
My (47) AH(50) has entered what many here have suggested in other posts is the final stage of the addiction cycle. He stayed in the Cinderella fairytale stage for a few years....blasted drunk from chugging bottles of vodka and then next day no consequence...no hangover, nothing. He would not drink on work days and then lean into his binge hard on days off. He is now drinking in the morning to head off symptoms of withdrawal and to stay just a little (or a lot if it is a day off) intoxicated.
For a quick background, he has always been an addict and short of using meth, has used/abused most other drugs (including spice). This most recent "episode" was triggered by a friend being diagnosed stage 4 terminal. (Although the relapse itself occurred 2 weeks prior to that) He is one of those that any excuse is a reason that it is fair for him to use alcohol. He also chooses to drink when nothing is wrong because "nothing is wrong" and that confuses him.
I have put in a lot of work on myself. Knowing that I would not leave at this point, I decided to really get some strong boundaries declared during a sober moment and establish my expectations for myself and the safety of our children. He understands and seems to know even when intoxicated that I am not going to sway.
Yesterday, i texted him to find out if he would be home for dinner. We don't wait for him if he is going to be late. He said he was a few minutes out. I went about finishing dinner and he arrived....I knew by how he got out of the car that we were not going to be good. I told him that I was glad he was home safe and then left him to do his thing (I do not engage him during these very intoxicated moments) he passed out then ate dinner then passed out (didn't say a word to anyone which is fine really). Time for bed....first boundary stomp he has executed in a long time, he went and got in bed first. I thought maybe he wanted to just say something so I went in there and he was "going to sleep" so I said, "I am going to go sleep on the couch" he asked why and I told him that I couldn't handle the smells in the room so i would move. I was not mean or mad just stated what I needed.
oh lordy did I poke the bear...
He flew out of bed MAD that I wouldn't stay and pushed by me to go sleep in the living room....I turned over and tried to go to sleep (usually not a problem because boundaries are a healthy thing) but this time laid there thinking that maybe I hadn't done that right and I was being harsh. Is he just progressing that quickly or am I out of line? He is drinking in the morning now and left early to "run errands" but in our small town nothing is open that early...
Where he works has very strict rules about drugs and alcohol. If he shows up even smelling like old booze they will detain him and take him to a testing site. I already told him i will not bail him out. (Last time i was able to sweet talk the cops into not impounding the car and they let him go home with me after he was booked) Part of me hopes that they will catch him. This will be his first week back with his new daily morning drinking schedule. He declares that before 7am drinking he is sober by 2pm. Yeah maybe if you have a mimosa or two....
so....are there rules to I statements that I missed? No accusing, no blaming....I am confident that I need to sharpen this skill for the coming storm and I would like to make sure I am setting a good example for my kids about being compassionate but also protecting the peace.
My (47) AH(50) has entered what many here have suggested in other posts is the final stage of the addiction cycle. He stayed in the Cinderella fairytale stage for a few years....blasted drunk from chugging bottles of vodka and then next day no consequence...no hangover, nothing. He would not drink on work days and then lean into his binge hard on days off. He is now drinking in the morning to head off symptoms of withdrawal and to stay just a little (or a lot if it is a day off) intoxicated.
For a quick background, he has always been an addict and short of using meth, has used/abused most other drugs (including spice). This most recent "episode" was triggered by a friend being diagnosed stage 4 terminal. (Although the relapse itself occurred 2 weeks prior to that) He is one of those that any excuse is a reason that it is fair for him to use alcohol. He also chooses to drink when nothing is wrong because "nothing is wrong" and that confuses him.
I have put in a lot of work on myself. Knowing that I would not leave at this point, I decided to really get some strong boundaries declared during a sober moment and establish my expectations for myself and the safety of our children. He understands and seems to know even when intoxicated that I am not going to sway.
Yesterday, i texted him to find out if he would be home for dinner. We don't wait for him if he is going to be late. He said he was a few minutes out. I went about finishing dinner and he arrived....I knew by how he got out of the car that we were not going to be good. I told him that I was glad he was home safe and then left him to do his thing (I do not engage him during these very intoxicated moments) he passed out then ate dinner then passed out (didn't say a word to anyone which is fine really). Time for bed....first boundary stomp he has executed in a long time, he went and got in bed first. I thought maybe he wanted to just say something so I went in there and he was "going to sleep" so I said, "I am going to go sleep on the couch" he asked why and I told him that I couldn't handle the smells in the room so i would move. I was not mean or mad just stated what I needed.
oh lordy did I poke the bear...
He flew out of bed MAD that I wouldn't stay and pushed by me to go sleep in the living room....I turned over and tried to go to sleep (usually not a problem because boundaries are a healthy thing) but this time laid there thinking that maybe I hadn't done that right and I was being harsh. Is he just progressing that quickly or am I out of line? He is drinking in the morning now and left early to "run errands" but in our small town nothing is open that early...
Where he works has very strict rules about drugs and alcohol. If he shows up even smelling like old booze they will detain him and take him to a testing site. I already told him i will not bail him out. (Last time i was able to sweet talk the cops into not impounding the car and they let him go home with me after he was booked) Part of me hopes that they will catch him. This will be his first week back with his new daily morning drinking schedule. He declares that before 7am drinking he is sober by 2pm. Yeah maybe if you have a mimosa or two....
so....are there rules to I statements that I missed? No accusing, no blaming....I am confident that I need to sharpen this skill for the coming storm and I would like to make sure I am setting a good example for my kids about being compassionate but also protecting the peace.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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You aren't going to be able to "protect the peace."
It's just going to be his way. To a drinking alcoholic everything is a personal attack. He's mad at you, mad at himself, mad at the world but god forbid he should actually change.
Sorry, but if you choose to stay it's only going to get worse. What do you see as the final ending to all this that doesn't include you tying yourself in knots and him drinking anyway?
It's just going to be his way. To a drinking alcoholic everything is a personal attack. He's mad at you, mad at himself, mad at the world but god forbid he should actually change.
Sorry, but if you choose to stay it's only going to get worse. What do you see as the final ending to all this that doesn't include you tying yourself in knots and him drinking anyway?
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Join Date: Jul 2023
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Originally Posted by biminiblue 
Sorry, but if you choose to stay it's only going to get worse. What do you see as the final ending to all this that doesn't include you tying yourself in knots and him drinking anyway?
He is going to drink. I have come to terms with that. I have no expectations of him not drinking and no ultimatum to hold him to such an obnoxious request.
If it becomes unsafe for us to be here, we have a solid plan. I have worked with a domestic violence advocate since 2016 when things were way worse than they are now. I am also not afraid to call law enforcement on him if that is necessary. Honestly though, he is going to self-destruct. It will just happen that he gets sober or he leaves. This is not our first cycle with the depths of alcohol.
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I can't honestly see that there was anything wrong with what you said. I assume you have told him he sleeps on the couch when he is drinking (which is all the time now I guess).
It's not the "I" statement, it's not you, it's him. It's no different than a couple that sleeps apart because one snores. There doesn't have to be a boat load of animosity about any of it, it just is and the parties accept it.
All that said, keep in mind that your boundaries (or at least this one) is a rejection of him. He drinks, he smells like drink, that's just the way it is. To him, you are just saying he is not worthy of sleeping in the same room with you because of that, so he gets defensive.
There is zero way to head off this stuff, it just is. You can't expect rationality from an active alcoholic.
Yes, it can progress that quickly. You also don't know what he's actually thinking. Also there is no guarantee that he will self destruct or leave. Just keep in mind there could be many, many years more of this, his functioning may diminish too, you will become his caregiver (really you probably already are).
He also drinks and drives. As for his work, it doesn't sound like he will be working there much longer. I'm guessing you are working as well, so loss of his financial contribution hopefully won't be too horrendous.
It's not the "I" statement, it's not you, it's him. It's no different than a couple that sleeps apart because one snores. There doesn't have to be a boat load of animosity about any of it, it just is and the parties accept it.
All that said, keep in mind that your boundaries (or at least this one) is a rejection of him. He drinks, he smells like drink, that's just the way it is. To him, you are just saying he is not worthy of sleeping in the same room with you because of that, so he gets defensive.
There is zero way to head off this stuff, it just is. You can't expect rationality from an active alcoholic.
Is he just progressing that quickly or am I out of line
He also drinks and drives. As for his work, it doesn't sound like he will be working there much longer. I'm guessing you are working as well, so loss of his financial contribution hopefully won't be too horrendous.
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I have to say that I agree with Bimini's point. You believe you are safe at the moment, but I wonder if you've completely separated your finances from those of your husband? I also wonder if the car he drives is in his name and if the insurance is in his name? It might be a good idea to get some legal advice at this point.
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Originally Posted by Anna
I have to say that I agree with Bimini's point. You believe you are safe at the moment, but I wonder if you've completely separated your finances from those of your husband? I also wonder if the car he drives is in his name and if the insurance is in his name? It might be a good idea to get some legal advice at this point.
This is great advice and yes, the car and insurance are in his name solely. Hisedical insurance is also his alone. The house is in my name along with all utilities, the kids phones, mine and the kids insurance, etc...we have a confidential marriage so no immediate repercussions financially if he messes up.
I think for me the hardest thing to deal with would be him hurting an innocent person while driving drunk but I cannot control that either. (Yes, i have called the police on him when I know he is drunk and caused 1 of his dui stops) none of us ride with him and my youngest son carries an emergency Uber gift card rather than call his dad.
If safety is on the line, I won't stay. its a non-negotiable.
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Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 142
This tension is very tough on your kids, Sam.
The history of domestic violence worries me. His seething resentment of your boundary-setting worries me. Your user name is appropriate, there are a lot of us here who are worried for you.
To wait for someone to self-destruct is not a plan.
The history of domestic violence worries me. His seething resentment of your boundary-setting worries me. Your user name is appropriate, there are a lot of us here who are worried for you.
To wait for someone to self-destruct is not a plan.
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I had this idea that if I said it perfectly it would be heard clearly, as it was intentioned and be absorbed and responded to well.
You might have said it just fine or even perfect.
My big learning was I had no idea how it was heard, absorbed or controlled, especially by someone in active addiction. Why I thought I could trust my loved one who was spiraling in so many other ways to respond correctly.
This was a huge part of my learning.
You might have said it just fine or even perfect.
My big learning was I had no idea how it was heard, absorbed or controlled, especially by someone in active addiction. Why I thought I could trust my loved one who was spiraling in so many other ways to respond correctly.
This was a huge part of my learning.
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You are a bright woman, Sam. That is clear.
But intellect and reason hold little to no sway when dealing with active addiction.
He is mired in denial and irrational. There is no pleasant way to say, “I find who you are becoming completely untenable.” But that was the truth (for me, at least).
Part of my addiction to control was demonstrated in my obsession with staging situations or organizing phrases to ensure my desired response. I thought, “If I could only be sweet, straight forward, strong, kind, clear, loving, wise, etc…. enough, he would embrace my point of view!” Nope. But I wasted plenty of time plotting it all out!
It ultimately helped me more to seek genuine compassion for the hopeless situation my ex-AH faced. He suffered terribly, and he was so sick that he couldn’t do the work to get healthy. I could. It helped me more to love him and believe that my genuine responses (not curated) were part of our path. Compassion calmed my angry fire a bit, but when the fire would arise I didn’t have to stamp it out immediately. I was allowed to feel and express my true emotions.
Everyone’s story is different, but I had to leave in order to cultivate that compassion. Living in the same house as addiction made me insane.
But intellect and reason hold little to no sway when dealing with active addiction.
He is mired in denial and irrational. There is no pleasant way to say, “I find who you are becoming completely untenable.” But that was the truth (for me, at least).
Part of my addiction to control was demonstrated in my obsession with staging situations or organizing phrases to ensure my desired response. I thought, “If I could only be sweet, straight forward, strong, kind, clear, loving, wise, etc…. enough, he would embrace my point of view!” Nope. But I wasted plenty of time plotting it all out!
It ultimately helped me more to seek genuine compassion for the hopeless situation my ex-AH faced. He suffered terribly, and he was so sick that he couldn’t do the work to get healthy. I could. It helped me more to love him and believe that my genuine responses (not curated) were part of our path. Compassion calmed my angry fire a bit, but when the fire would arise I didn’t have to stamp it out immediately. I was allowed to feel and express my true emotions.
Everyone’s story is different, but I had to leave in order to cultivate that compassion. Living in the same house as addiction made me insane.
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I read your responses and am filled with a genuine feeling of support. I also recognize that I am insanely stubborn. I dig in and decide that something will work my way because I will make it work my way.
Truth of the matter is that I am scared. Scared of what happens "if" and I promise you that after 20+ years of experience the list of "ifs" is really long. So instead of doing the one thing that I know I should do, i do a million other things to try to make the outcome go my way.
I am about used up. I can feel it inside. I come here for hope...hope that I can be like those of you who took that step towards freedom from this life. And then I dig in harder because I know I need him to leave to be safe. It needs to be his discard.
For those who are wondering, I do have a lawyer and a domestic violence advocate. There is a plan which does include name changes and protective services but I am not sure that is any way to live either. So, yep, I'm stuck at the moment creating my own fantasy world to pretend protect my family.
Sigh. Everything you say is right. So right. And here Sam goes on doing it all wrong becuase i am stubborn...
I should have kept this. I should not post. Your advice is so appreciated but I knew that no matter what I would still do whatever my crazy making brain wanted so why would i waste your time and worries? My apologies.
much love and light,
Sam
Just a quick ps- I won't be reading responses....gonna take a break from this pity party I started for myself. Be safe out there! I'll be back...don't worry about me
Truth of the matter is that I am scared. Scared of what happens "if" and I promise you that after 20+ years of experience the list of "ifs" is really long. So instead of doing the one thing that I know I should do, i do a million other things to try to make the outcome go my way.
I am about used up. I can feel it inside. I come here for hope...hope that I can be like those of you who took that step towards freedom from this life. And then I dig in harder because I know I need him to leave to be safe. It needs to be his discard.
For those who are wondering, I do have a lawyer and a domestic violence advocate. There is a plan which does include name changes and protective services but I am not sure that is any way to live either. So, yep, I'm stuck at the moment creating my own fantasy world to pretend protect my family.
Sigh. Everything you say is right. So right. And here Sam goes on doing it all wrong becuase i am stubborn...
I should have kept this. I should not post. Your advice is so appreciated but I knew that no matter what I would still do whatever my crazy making brain wanted so why would i waste your time and worries? My apologies.
much love and light,
Sam
Just a quick ps- I won't be reading responses....gonna take a break from this pity party I started for myself. Be safe out there! I'll be back...don't worry about me
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Hi I lost my 33 year old nephew to a drunk driver. He also had a brand new baby. If you know he is getting in a vehicle over the limit it would be helpful if you call the police and let them know instead if leaving it to fate. Just my 2 cents x
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